Summery: Two young boys, one last fight, two little pills called Ecstasy and one long detention.
Dedicated: To everyone who reviewed. You made it all worthwhile!
Beta: By Rae (thanks for putting up with me throughout all this!) and naughtygoldie (for helping with that horrible last chapter). Hugs to you both.
Disclaimer: The lyrics are by Suede (but I changed the 'she' to 'he'), and the boys belong to JKR. I'm just the naughty drug dealer.
What Comes Up Must Come Down
Now Harry understood. This is why they called it getting high… because when you fall down - you crash.And it hurt.
And he hated it.
He buckled his jeans with shaky fingers and put on his glasses. He felt exposed and wanted to wear his T-shirt, but it was still damp, so he brought his feet up to the window seat and hugged his knees instead. The cracks in the ceiling threatened to collapse and the walls were closing in on him. The wind was too cold, the sun was too bright and stung his eyes, and the smell of disturbed dust filled his lungs.
The world turned upside down once more.
Even in his cupboard he never felt so alone. It reminded him of being surrounded by Dementors, that horrible certainty that he would never be happy again, the despair.
There was an irritating prickle behind his eyes, but he managed to hold back the tears. The last time he cried was for Sirius, and crying again because of some silly teenage angst seemed like an insult to his godfather's memory. Besides, crying did not do him any good then, and would not help him now. It was a pointless, pathetic act.
He tried vainly to swallow the lump in his throat.
His jaw clenched so tight he thought his teeth would shatter, and his entire body ached like in the beginning of a flu. He was exhausted, physically and mentally, and more than anything wanted to crawl into his bed and pretend the outside world - and Draco Malfoy with it - never existed.
It was shocking how your world could break apart in a single moment, and it was becoming a habit in Harry's life. Every time things turned better, something happened and he sunk deeper: Discovering he was a wizard - only to find out there was an evil psychopath trying to kill him, finding a godfather - and not being able to live with him because he was an escaped prisoner, winning the Triwizard Tournament - only to be snatched by Voldemort's rebirth, and having the most wonderful time of his life - only to discover it was all a lie.
So that's why the Muggles made it illegal, he thought sullenly. It makes you stupid and gullible.
What had happened just minutes ago seemed like a different world away, as if it had all happened in another dimension, where everything was perfect and Harry could be happy for a change.
But it wasn't real, he kept reminding himself. What's wrong with me? Why do I always have to rush head first into things I know nothing about? Why don't I ever learn?
…And why did I kiss him? Maybe he could bribe someone to Obliviate them both and erase the whole thing from their memories.
At least he was sensible enough to end it. Who knows what they would have been doing right now if Harry had not stopped them, if he had let Draco go on...
Harry shook his head and chased those thoughts away.
Surprisingly, even though he was angry, he could not bring himself to hate Draco. He could not even think of him as Malfoy again. Whether real or not, the experience changed something between them, changed Harry's feelings towards Draco, and the change seemed permanent. He was not foolish enough to call it "Love" anymore, but a deeper understanding, a strange kind of companionship perhaps. Still, it did not make him stop wishing it had never happened. That he and Draco had never taken the drugs, never met, that he had never known Dudley, and that he was never born. It would have saved so much trouble if he had never been born. It was a conclusion he arrived to quite often these days.
How could things deteriorate so fast? One moment they were hugging innocently, and the next they were trying to swallow each other's faces. Maybe that was what ruined it. What they were feeling - what he himself was feeling - was beautifully innocent; he just wanted to cause Draco pleasure, to make him happy. Yes, he had enjoying it just as much as Draco probably had, but it had not about sex and cheap carnal lust. He thought they were above such things - too divine, too pure. That was why he had stopped Draco. He had not wanted to taint it.
He went over the day's events in his head, but could only remember fragments of it, like a twisted scattered puzzle. What he could remember clearly was that he, Harry, was the one to touch Draco first, the one to initiate the first kiss, the one who suggested they should both take the pills…
It's all my fault, he realised. My fault, again. The emotions that were storming inside him changed rapidly from anger - to depression - to guilt, a route he was already too familiar with.
His mind drifted to where Draco was, and he wondered what the other was feeling. Was he going through the same thing Harry was? Or was it worse for Draco? After all, he came here with the sole purpose of serving his detention, and found himself in the dubious world of Muggle drugs, being taken advantage of by a sixteen-year-old hormonal Gryffindor.
Harry buried his face in his hands. Oh no, what have I done? he thought with horror. I sexually molested Draco Malfoy! It made him nauseated, and for a short while he even contemplated jumping out of the window, but as the Future Saviour, that would have meant taking the rest of the world down to hell with him, so it was out of the question. There was no easy way out. Not for the boy who lived.
He stared at the closed door that hid Draco from him. Draco had been there for almost an hour. What if something had happened to him? Harry's conscience nagged. Maybe he's traumatised by what I've done? Maybe he caught pneumonia? Maybe he's dead! The last thought found him already standing in front of the toilet door.
He took a deep breath and knocked.
No answer.
He knocked again, more urgently this time.
"WHAT?" snapped Draco from the other side.
"Are you OK? You've been in there for ages. Come out." Harry hoped Draco was not in there hiding because he was scared of Pervy-Harry.
"Sod off. Leave me alone." The voice was shaky.
"Come out of there," Harry pleaded. "I… I need to pee," he tried a new tactic.
"I don't care. Go away."
Draco did not sound annoyed enough, and Harry did not like it. He suddenly remembered he never heard a locking sound. "If you're not coming out, I'm coming in," he said, waited a few seconds, and opened the door.
The sight that greeted him made him think for a split second that maybe someone had used a Time Turner. Draco was bent over the sink, wearing wet robes, cupping water in his hands and forcefully washing his face. But when he straightened and turned to look at Harry he was not grinning as he had the last time. His features were hard, his lips pursed tightly together, his eyes narrowed, and an angry crease appeared between his eyebrows. "What is it, Potter? Missed me?" he tried to sneer, but it was not very effective. Harry was glad there was no mirror on the wall, because he was sure Draco would have been mortified if he knew that his eyes were puffy and trimmed with red, that Harry could see he had been crying.
This realisation struck Harry like a Bludger to the guts. The words, it's my fault, repeated through his mind like a mantra. He needed to make things better. "You can't stay in here, Draco. It's too dank and chilly, it isn't healthy. And you shouldn't wear those wet robes, you'll catch a cold," he said, and mentally kicked himself for becoming Molly Weasley.
Draco stared at him and narrowed his eyes further. "What do you care?" he asked and crossed his arms over his chest.
"I… I don't want to see you hurt," Harry answered honestly. "And I really need to pee," he added not so honestly, but he knew it would move Draco out of there.
Draco sighed heavily. "Fine," he said with difficulty as if he was agreeing to something awful like donating all the Malfoy fortune to SPEW. He made sure to glare at Harry on his way out.
Harry stayed there for a few minutes, just walking back and forth in the small gloomy space, trying to plan his apology to Draco. His brain seemed to be on strike. Probably lifting up Say No to Drugs! signs, he imagined. So he gave up and returned to the bigger room.
Draco sat in the corner of the window seat with his legs crossed and his face turned to the wall and away from Harry, hugging himself tightly. Apparently he took Harry's advice and removed his robes. He pointedly ignored Harry as Harry approached and sat gingerly on the other side of the seat.
The silent was deafening.
It was too unnerving, and Harry could not take it any more. He released a nervous breath, and turned to Draco. "I'm sorry, alright?"
Draco kept ignoring him.
"I didn't know it would be like that," Harry continued. "I'm sorry everything went so out of control. I'm sorry I went out of control," he tried to apologise. He moved to the middle of the seat, closer to Draco. "I'm not normally like that." He lowered his voice, "I never… you know… kiss -"
"Boys?" Draco interjected. "Of course you don't." He turned to look at Harry, face twisted in resentment. "You're Perfect Potter!" he spat. "Perfect Potter who always catches the snitch, Perfect Potter who always gets the better broom." He raised his voice, his eyes blazing, full with emotion. "Perfect Potter who always gets away with everything, Perfect Potter with his perfect Patronus, Perfect Potter that everybody loves, Perfect Potter who never kisses boys!" His voice shuttered, "'cause perfect boys don't like other boys, do they?" He closed his eyes and turned away to lay his forehead on the wall. "Must be nice… being perfect," he murmured under his breath, so quietly Harry was not sure he was supposed to hear it.
Draco was breaking down and Harry's heart was breaking with him. Harry would have never believed this proud boy could feel so much pain and self-loathing as he could now hear in Draco's words. He was so occupied with his own misery and problems, that he completely ignored everyone else's, believing the grass would always be greener on the other side of the fence. Draco seemed to be guilty of it too though, if he thought Harry's life was perfect. Harry wanted to reach out to him, to hold, to comfort… but first he needed to tell him how mistaken he was.
"You're wrong, Draco. I'm not perfect, and you know that. You think my life is so great? My parents were murdered, I have Voldemort after me, last year I messed things up so badly and got people hurt … and killed." He had to stop to compose himself. That was the first time he admitted aloud to his guilt. "And you're right, I never kiss boys…" He looked down at his hands in embarrassment. "Just like I never kiss girls. I don't have time for those things. I mean, I kissed this one girl. Once. Under the mistletoe. Well, actually she kissed me," he mumbled and Draco turned to look at him curiously. "And it wasn't very good," Harry finished weakly with a shrug.
Draco rolled his eyes and his lips twitched in what might have been a shadow of a smile. Or probably a smirk.
"I don't think liking boys makes you any less perfect," Harry said and tried to catch Draco's eye, but he looked away again. "I don't think it matters at all." And he meant it. Up until Draco mentioned it, the thought that he kissed another boy did not even cross his mind. He was confused about kissing Draco, but for whom he was, not because of his gender. He never considered his sexuality; never saw much difference between girls and boys anyway. Except for maybe the fact that girls giggled and talked too much and it was quite annoying. Maybe he really was gay. Or maybe he just liked people with pretty hair and pretty eyes, like Cho and Firenze and Sirius… and Draco. "I don't know if I like girls," Harry admitted. "I mean… kissing you was actually… er… kind of better," he blurted and pretended to inspect his shoes.
"It was that damned Ecstasy, Potter. You didn't know what you were doing. I thought the dust was in love with the floor, for God's sake." Draco shook his head in shame. "So don't worry, you're not gay."
"You don't know that," Harry countered. "And I wasn't worried."
"Trust me, gays don't dress like that," Draco said and waved at Harry's oversized jeans.
"Actually, they're not really my clothes; they're my cousin's," Harry pointed out.
"You're still not gay, Potter."
"Maybe I am."
"What, so you're trying to be the better queer now? Why do you always have to compete with me over everything?"
"That's ridiculous. How can someone be a better queer?" Harry laughed. "You have a very peculiar way of thinking, you know that?"
Draco glared at him.
"All I'm saying is that things didn't work out for me with girls, so… maybe it's because I prefer blokes," Harry said.
"No. You don't," Draco argued. "Listen, did you ever want to kiss another bloke? Not while under the influence of some illegal Muggle crap?"
"I wouldn't mind kissing you again," Harry said, and then cringed. "I mean… er…" his words faded and he looked away, pretending he was not really there and had not confessed to anything unusual.
Draco watched him intently, as if trying to gauge his sincerity. "Fine, I'll play your game. You can kiss me." He licked his pink lips, and Harry watched as they glistened in the sunlight. "It's not like we've got anything better to do around here anyway," he drawled.
They were sitting about a metre apart, bodies towards the door and faces turned towards each other. Harry's mouth became dry as a desert, and heat crept up his cheeks. Draco was staring at him challengingly, and Harry wished he would close his eyes because it was making him even more nervous. Suddenly kissing was easier said than done. But he wanted to kiss Draco again; he needed to find out if what he remembered was real or just the effect of the drugs. And possibly also prove a point. So he gathered his courage and gulped down his anxiety, took a deep mouthful of air as someone would when preparing for a battle, and leaned sideways to meet Draco's awaiting lips.
Draco did not make things any easier for Harry, and just sat there, unresponsive. His still lips were as perfect as the last time they kissed, warm and soft and wet… Harry froze. Then he drew back as if being burned. He was suddenly conscious of his own cracked, dry lips and his lack of kissing experience, and he was afraid to make a fool of himself.
"Well, that summarises it," Draco commented in a bored tone. "It was definitely the pills before, because that kiss was boooring."
Harry knew a challenge when he heard one, and as a proud Gryffindor, he was not going to let it slide. With a determined air he licked his lips, ripped his glasses off his face, jumped up on his knees, and charged.
Draco did not know what hit him.
Harry grabbed his shoulders, pushed him back to the sidewall of the window seat, and captured his mouth with his own. He took the opportunity of Draco's startled gasp to plunder it with his tongue, tilted his head, and deepened the kiss.
This time Draco did not stay indifferent. Once his initial shock was over, his own tongue followed Harry's, and Harry welcomed it into mouth, one hand moving up to fist Draco's silky hair and the other down to rub his chest. Draco's hands entangled in Harry's hair, holding on to him tightly as he closed his eyes and made a contented noise in the back of his throat, his enthusiasm washing away the last of Harry's insecurities.
The kiss was different from when they kissed earlier that day. It was still good, but a little more awkward. Harry was aware of everything he was doing, of where he put his hands, and the small embarrassing sounds that escaped his mouth. He was also very much aware of the consequences and implications of what he was doing. There was no excuse this time; he could not blame it on the drugs anymore. He kissed Draco Malfoy because he, with a fully functional, lucid mind, chose to kiss Draco Malfoy. And deep down it terrified him.
Another difference about this kiss was that now apparently Harry needed oxygen. Reluctantly, he pulled away. "Well? Still think it's boring?" he asked Draco as he tried to catch his breath.
Draco's eyes were unfocused and his pupils were dilated again. His lips were already red and swollen and parted as he panted, his chest heaving under Harry's palm. He did not answer the question. Instead, he only growled and dove forward to crush his mouth back on Harry's.
"I suppose that means no," Harry chuckled smugly, and resumed to battle their tongues.
Harry's curiosity won over him, so he used the next time they came up for air to ask about what has been bothering him. "Er… were you always gay?"
Draco quirked an eyebrow. "No, I decided today over breakfast," he drawled. "Of course I was!"
"So… before when you kissed me and all that… it wasn't just because of the Ecstasy? It could have happened anyway?" Harry tried unsuccessfully to hide the hope in his tone. He wanted to know if Draco had always been attracted to him.
"Don't be stupid. I hated you," Draco said and Harry was happy to notice he used the past tense. "I might be sixteen and horny, but I have my principles."
"But you want to kiss me now," Harry prompted.
"I don't know…" Draco frowned as he pretended to ponder it. "If you won't stop with the daft questions, I might change my mind." He smirked.
Harry grinned and licked that smirk off Draco's face.
After some more practicing Harry found out he could breathe through his nose as well, without needing to break the kiss. It was a very useful discovery, albeit a late one.
He cradled Draco's cheeks between his hands and kissed him softly. When the tip of Draco's tongue came out, Harry closed his lips around it and drew it into his mouth, sucking it greedily and then releasing, in and out in slick wet motions. Draco was whimpering, his nails digging into Harry's back as Harry continued, unwilling to give up his captured prize.
He did not stop until Draco pushed him back. "You liar, how many people have you kissed?" he asked, puffing between every word. "There's no way there've been only this one girl."
"Are you implying I'm a good kisser?" Harry wiggled his eyebrows.
Draco raised his pale pointy chin defiantly. "I was saying no such thing!"
Harry could not help himself; there was something about Draco's sharp bones that drove him crazy. He bit that pointy chin, sucking on it and pressing his tongue to the soft flesh underneath Draco's jaw, feeling Draco's groans vibrating into his mouth.
"OK, so…" Draco gasped as Harry proceeded to lick his way up to his ear. "So maybe you're not a terrible kisser."
Harry beamed at the compliment and tried to do the best he could. He flicked his tongue over the shell of Draco's ear and nuzzled it with his nose, making Draco giggle. He tenderly kissed his temple and weaved his hands into Draco's hair, letting the silver-blond strands twirl around his fingers. It still smelled like daffodils. He pushed the yielding locks away from Draco's ear to give himself better access to the hidden skin behind it and lapped it up thoroughly, relishing the shivers he could feel were flowing through Draco's body, and the soft delighted noises he made.
Harry was kneeling on the seat, and Draco's feet were still on the floor. It was uncomfortable and Draco tried to move his leg up to near the window. His knee collided with Harry's chin, and then when he tried to move it away from Harry's face, he accidentally kicked Harry in the stomach.
"Ouch!" Harry cried and quickly caught Draco by his boot before any further damage, silently thanking him for not aiming lower. He moved the foot to his other side so he was seated in the V of Draco's legs, and leaned back to kiss him.
Harry trailed his hand higher over the boot to caress Draco's naked calf. He carried on higher over the hem of the black underwear to Draco's bent knee, and rubbed it in circles, occasionally dipping his fingers in the crack behind it to tease at the sensitive spot. He twirled his tongue around Draco's in time with his hand, and as his mouth slid down to Draco's long neck, his hand moved up to Draco's thigh.
Draco's pulse was beating fast under his lips, and his muscles quivered under his fingers as he spread his legs further. Harry stroked up and down the inside of Draco's thigh, enjoying the friction of soft velvet against his sweaty palms, and the puff of Draco's hitched breaths on his face.
Draco grasped Harry's waist and tugged him closer until their chests were touching, but Harry was still on his knees and Draco was sitting and Harry wanted to feel more, to be closer. So he moved back, grabbed the underside of Draco's knees, and pulled him down until he lay flat against the seat with his legs in the air where Harry held them.
Draco's mouth opened with surprise, and his eyes were glinting in anticipation. His blond hair was sprawled around his head like a golden crown, and his cheeks flushed liked roses as he lay, all taut muscles and pale smooth skin, presenting himself to Harry's ravenous gaze.
Everything else around Harry lost its enchanted appeal once the drug's effect was over and the ice-water bucket of sobriety hit him. Everything else except Draco - he was still the most beautiful thing Harry had ever seen.
Harry placed Draco's feet back on the seat and slid his palms slowly up his body. Over Draco's parted thighs, his hips, his waist, his chest, his shoulders. He braced his hands on each side of Draco's head and lowered himself over him - not touching, just close enough to feel Draco's body heat seeping into his skin. They locked their gazes for an endless moment and then Draco arched up into Harry and Harry pressed down. Their bodies seemed to fuse together. It was perfect. Harry's blood was pumping in his veins as they kissed again, gathering down his body as they rocked their hips together slowly, almost shyly. Harry wanted it to never end. It felt like the Ecstasy was coming up again, but it was not. It was Draco who was making him light-headed; it was Draco's body that made his heart speed like that, and it was Draco's kisses that intoxicated him.
He was high on Draco.
Harry brushed his knuckles along the inside of Draco's arms, over his wrists, and downwards to entwine their fingers before moving their joined hands above Draco's head. He held his body so only their foreheads touched.
Draco opened his eyes, grey dark with passion. Harry thought he could lose himself in those eyes.
"This is us, Draco," Harry said and rolled his hip down, dragging himself over Draco, bringing their erections together in one long, achingly slow, movement.
"Yes," Draco moaned.
"No drugs, no excuses."
"No. Ohh…" Draco gasped as Harry repeated his action.
"You and me, for real."
"Yes, real. Harry. Please, just… just don't stop," Draco murmured and they both groaned as Harry pressed harder.
Draco closed his legs around Harry's back in encouragement and Harry leaned down to kiss him. He slithered his hands down Draco's sides, over his jerking hips and around to grasp that soft flesh he loved so much.
"Yes," Draco whimpered needily and raised his head to bite Harry's shoulder.
Hot sparks of pleasure streamed down Harry's spine as he thrust faster against Draco who was writhing beneath him as they kissed and touched and panted. Draco's heels were digging into his lower back as Harry squeezed the round, pliable cheeks. He moved his hands higher, shoving them between Draco and the seat until he reached the line where black velvet met skin, and pushed his hands inside Draco's black underwear, craving for more naked flesh.
And then the door burst open.
Their two Heads of House stood in the entrance, eyes bulging out of their sockets.
The two boys froze on the spot.
Snape made a strange squawking sound and turned a puke shade of green.
McGonagall paled and raised her hand to her mouth in a Hermione kind of way. "That is not what I meant when I told you to get along!" she shrieked.
Snape squeaked again, apparently unable to speak.
Harry tried to become invisible and hid his flaming face in Draco's neck.
And Draco... he seemed completely unfazed by the whole situation, and kindly asked the shocked professors to come back later. Then he cradled his face in his hand and complained to no one in particular, "My jaw hurts."
Snape and McGonagall were still standing in the doorway, stunned by his insolence and the sight before them.
Harry scrambled off Draco and sat crouched with his hands in his lap trying fruitlessly to hide what was already painfully obvious, avoiding the professors' eyes.
Draco sat straight and looked disappointed.
"You two..." McGonagall choked and cleared her throat. "You will put your tops back on, and come down to the Great Hall with us. We will wait for you outside," she finished in a hurry and turned to leave. "Oh, come on, Severus, stop gawking!" She tugged at Snape's arm and closed the door behind them.
Something she said got the wheels in Harry's head turning. His eyes popped out as the Knut dropped and realisation sunk in - top. Now he got it. Wait a minute… He stared at Draco, wide eyed, "I CAN TOP?"
Pink crept to Draco's cheeks. "Now?" He laughed nervously. "They're waiting for us," he said pointedly and waved towards the door.
"I meant… er… not right now, just… I mean…" Harry mumbled, not feeling very eloquent at the moment. Now that he finally understood what Draco meant when he offered it, he wanted to slam his head into a wall. How could he miss that opportunity? He had the chance to… to… and he said NO? Stupid, stupid, stupid! he cursed himself in his mind.
Draco stood up, put on his robes, and went towards the door.
Harry glanced at his retreating back and swaying hips, and images of what he could have had flooded his mind, making his heartbeat pulse in places that were much lower than where his heart was usually located.
Draco turned to look over his shoulder with a wicked little smile. "Coming?" he asked, batting his eyelashes.
A new mission formed in Harry's mind. It had nothing to do with defeating Voldemort or saving the world, but as he followed Draco down the tower stairs, seemed just as important –
He was going to have Draco Malfoy!
…And top.
And thank Dudley profoundly, because those pills were the most brilliant birthday present.
'cause like all the boys in all the cities
I take the poison, take the pity
but he and I we soon discover
we take the pills to find each other
0-0-0
-The End-
A/N:
1. Thank you for reading. I hope you're not too disappointed there was no full sex scene… Please leave a review – it's my first fic and I need all the concrit and feedback I can have.
2. Links to fanart for chapters 2 and 4 can be found on my Personal Profile.
3. For those who asked why Harry would want more Ecstasy – it's because you always want more after the first time. Always.
4. This fic was written solely for entertainment purposes. Please don't view it as an encouragement to try anything illegal or dangerous.