Co-authored by Realtfarraige and Ladygreensleevesd.
This is our first fic, so please our feelings are easily offended but only when we're not being lazy enough to ignore them.
Disclaimer: All characters you recognise are the property of their respective owners. All OC's belong to us.
The characters will be OOC because it's necessary to the plot, although we'll try to keep them close to the characters you know.
Chapter 1: Roll Up, Roll Up.
"They're here. 'Bout fecking time." Cid stepped away from the window as the grimy bus pulled up outside the school. Turning away he stubbed out his cigarette, lit up another and surveyed the two expectant faces before him.
"Well how do they look?" a lean eclectically dressed man asked. He was flanked by a younger man similarly attired.
"Why the hell do you wanna to know! Oh right it's your area of…um… expertise. They seem a'right. But very green. Literally", he motioned to a dark haired teenager getting sick out of the bus window bringing cries of disgust from the group.
"No, no dahling. I mean their hair. Can I work with it? I have a new set of curling irons that I'm just DYING to use. I need to explore my art, express my creativity, unleash my imagination. My soul yearns for…"
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!" Cid interjected brusquely. How he wanted to throttle the man. "Yes Mario, their hair is, as you say, gorgeous."
Mario's eyes lit up, he clapped his hands together gleefully. "Oh Fabio", he breathed to his assistant.
Cid rolled his eyes at the pair of them "Camper than a row of tents. C'mon you goddamn creampuffs time to meet them." This insult did little to dampen the two men's enthusiasm as they followed Cid down the stairs.
Sephiroth stood at the door of the bus watching as the driver unceremoniously dumped their baggage in the dust. "Wonderful. Yazoo won't be happy about his faux snake skin case getting all dusty." Sighing he went back on the bus and tried to wake his brothers with a series of finger jabs and pivot kicks.
"OWW! OWW!" Kadaj, the youngest shrugged awake disengaging himself from his still slumbering brother Loz. "So, are we here Seph?"
"Yes and don't call me Seph. Or Sephy. Its SEPH-IR-OTH", he enunciated each syllable carefully.
"Sure, you keep telling yourself that. Hey Yazoo!" Kadaj waved him over. The aforementioned looked up from where he was talking to a blond haired man and a young woman with long dark hair. "Your shoulder's wet. Loz must have been drooling on you".
"Gross! Ugh, Loz I'm gonna kill you!" And Kadaj proceeded to do so.
"Children, please!" the blond Cloud jumped between the scuffling two. "Don't make Tifa power drive your sorry asses."
"I haven't learned that yet Cloud. It's only the first chapter."
"Hurry up and get off the damn bus!" Sephiroth roared.
Eventually everyone got off the bus and stared up at the imposing red brick building that was to be their home until the writers ran out of ideas. "That's an imposing red brick building", Aeris wondered aloud.
"Hey that's the school motto", Loz pointed to the arch above the door where the legend "Snapus, Crackleus and Popus" was emblazoned.
"And that means?" Tifa raised an eyebrow.
"Mary had a little lamb" if my knowledge of Latin serves me correctly" Yazoo said smugly.
"Wow. Inspirational."
"Bah. That sucksus maximumus" a fully recovered Yuffie quipped.
"Quiet there's someone coming." Sephiroth glared the group into silence.
Cid came down the steps. "Welcome to Final Fantasy Finishing School where characters learn their trade and hone their abilities for the enjoyment of gamers. Which is just another way of saying we do feck all really." He took a cheek-hollowing drag and continued, "I'm not one for formal intros so just give us that goddamn Letter of Acceptance." Sephiroth duly obliged. Suddenly he felt a strange tingling on his scalp. Looking around he noticed everyone else did too. It was then that the group noticed the two neatly dressed men next to Cid.
"Oh my Gawd, what the heck was that? And who are you two?" Yuffie exclaimed.
Whipping his head around Sephiroth failed to realise the effect of the sunlight glinting on his hair had on Cid's companions.
"Oh my…. like mercury! Oh my….. Fabio…" Mario's right hand was clutched to his chest while his other hand was swatting uselessly in the direction of where Fabio had been before he had fainted in awe.
After resuscitating Fabio Cid felt it was better to keep Sephiroth indoors while it was sunny, that and it was time for lunch. With that thought in mind he shepherded the students indoors. They followed Cid's smoke trail as he led them down stone-flagged corridors to a huge medieval style hall.
"Sit yer skinny asses down there and drink some tea", he pointed to a row of benches.
Cloud didn't like tea and quite rudely said so, "I don't like tea."
"I'll say it again. Sit your ass down in that chair and drink your goddamn TEA! Time to meet your 'teachers'". He indicated to the crowd of people sitting at the top of the hall. "Right. I'm Cid Highwind, the principal of this fecking school until my parole officer says so. I run this whole operation and provide cigarettes." He threw packets of Marlboros at them for emphasis. "And these fine gentlemen and questionable ladies are the finest mentors that could be smuggled over the border."
"Cid you are such a flatterer." A strange blue-haired man said sarcastically.
"Shuddup! I'll introduce you first then. This is Seymour Guado, our groundskeeper and gardener."
"I am a landscape architect!" Seymour screeched.
"You keep telling yourself that. This is our resident nurse and masseuse, Barrett Wallace."
A large brute stood up. "You're in good hands with me. Hahaha."
"Hahaha", Cloud said meekly.
"What! His limbs are bigger than most peoples bodies!" a worried Aeris exclaimed.
"I'm not letting him crack my coccyx." Yazoo crossed his arms.
"Shuddup! Now these are our hair and beauty experts Mario and Fabio." Mario blew kisses and Fabio winked at Sephiroth."..the schools counsellors Reno and Rude." The two were slumped in their chairs. Reno was fondling a cattle prod. Cid drawled on "And our Fashion Gurus, this is Edie Okasha," Cid gestured to a petite Japanese girl in her twenties. He paused and gestured to the large Drag Queen next to Edie, "Ehm, this is 'Miss' Alex. "Ugh." Cid shuddered. "In front of ye are written tests as part of the selection system. You morons just gotta fill them out so we can gauge what yer unique talents are. You have five minutes and no joined up handwriting please. I have to read them all. Now GO!"
The Test
"Damn." Sephiroth shook his pen and tried to get it to write with no luck. Suddenly a well-manicured hand placed a fluffy pink sequined pencil on the bench.
"Here you go sweetie."
"Um…thanks." Sephiroth watched Mario sashay down the aisle. He shook his head and started the test.
Sample Questions:
1.How do fires affect you?
2. Do you have any qualms about stealing another's property and/or identity?
3. There is a Hedgehog in front of you, what do you do?
4. Flowers make you want to……..
5. Do you have a strange affiliation with lawnmowers?
6. Are you interested in becoming a psychopath and/or becoming under the
control of the voice(s) in your head?
If you have answered yes, or just bothered to fill in the above questions you are insane, and therefore eligible to be in this school. Congratulations!
"I'm sure I failed that test!" Yuffie moaned.
Aeris rolled her eyes heavenwards. "How can you fail a test that was mostly about yourself!"
"Well it was hard work."
Cid leafed through the tests strewn about his desk. "Hell, I don't think that Sephiroth guy needs our help to become a villain. Yikes! What does he have against fecking Hedgehogs?
Mario leaned forward excitedly, " So, categories please! Who's the baddie and the goodie-two shoes?
Cid's headache was getting progressively worse and as such was affecting what little manners he had. "Listen Queer Eye of the Gay Guy, what do you care?"
Mario blinked, then putting on his air steward smile calmly said, "I'm a member of the style team, so even though you don't believe in appearances or at least looking like you own a bar of soap, I do. Now, categories please, my team have work to do."
During Mario's little speech Cid's neck had gone a bit red. "Fruitloop, I'm going to speak your language just so you can understand this. Eh………..No (1), I don't care what you and this bunch of pansies, sorry Edie, have to do, you'll get them when I'm ready to give them to you. Oh and 'FYI' I own a bar of soap and more importantly I'm the principal and a captain to boot, so the last thing I need is some jumped up hairdresser telling me how to run this school."
Following Cid's rant, Mario stood up straighter, put his shoulders back and stared Cid straight in the eye. "I'm not just a 'hairdresser' as you so eloquently put it. Where I'm from they call me a 'Queen,' therefore I outrank you 'principal.' So, categories bi-atch!"
Cid could only stare as Mario strutted out of his office with the categories. Fabio followed Mario clicking his fingers, after him there was 'Miss' Alex saying "You showed him girl," then Edie and strolled out last trying unsuccessfully to hide her laughter. Opening the cupboard full of cigarette packs to get another cigarette, Cid couldn't help but shake his head and sigh at his luck. He leaned back in his chair and rolling his eyes heavenward, he said, "It's gonna be a LONG Fic."
(1) From "My Wife and Kids."