Title: Sexy?
Author: Technetium
Rating: PG (maybe PG-13, but I doubt it)
Season: Sam's a major, but really any season
Category: Humor/General
Archive: Sure, just tell me.
Summary: Jack learns the true meaning of "assume"
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or anything affiliated with it. If I did, well, I wouldn't have to worry about air travel or gas prices, for one thing. I do own a ribbon device I made out of tin foil and electrical wires, but that's neither here nor there (If you want instructions for making your own, feel free to email me).
"So, have you heard back from those sexy guys yet?"
"No, not yet. I sent them my photos, but they haven't replied."
Jack O'Neill, Air Force Colonel, fighter of the Goa'uld, Asgard ambassador, and generally unflappable guy, stopped in shock outside the lab of his 2IC. He must need to get Doc Frasier to examine his ears, because he could've sworn he heard Daniel and Carter discussing sexy guys. Well, there was no way he was walking in there to invite his teammates to lunch now. A quick glance up and down the corridors showed no one in sight, so Jack, against his better judgment, decided a little covert surveillance was in order. He pulled out the folder he had been carrying and pretended to be reading a mission report as he tried to listen to the increasingly disturbing conversation.
"I've worked with them before, and they tend to be a little slow." That was Daniel's observation.
"They are overworked with the volume that comes through this place. Besides, it's better to be thorough than to rush to a premature conclusion," replied a female voice.
The Colonel was glad he wasn't drinking anything to choke over.
"Well, they may call themselves sexy, but they've got nothing on you, Daniel."
What the! Oh, for crying out loud! He was shocked, he was confused, he was . . . a little bit hurt. Carter and Daniel? He was sure that would be considered illegal in most states. He thought they'd at least have the decency to tell him. And while he did have a little bit of gray, Jack thought he'd at least get a mention in a conversation about sexy guys of the SGC. Not that he had ever actually thought about any such conversation.
"Thanks Sam. Even though you're an astrophysicist, I'd rather come to you than any other sexy scientist."
"Well, field experience has to count for something."
Jack could've sworn he didn't touch any quantum mirrors recently.
"Of course in that respect," continued Daniel, "Teal'c would win any sexy contest."
"Oh, definitely," agreed Carter.
Well, he probably couldn't argue that, but he really, really didn't want to think about it.
"What about Jack?"
Yes, what about Jack?
"The Colonel? Sexy? I don't know."
Ooh, that hurt. Talk about a ribbon device to the ego.
"Well, Thor seems to think so."
Oh, no. No, no, no. He SO did not need to hear that. He knew Thor liked him, but they were buddies. He didn't think the alien, well, liked him, liked him! Weren't the Asgard sexless? And how the heck did Daniel find out that particular tidbit of information? That was it. Jack decided he was leaving now, before his two brainiacs decided to discuss the sex lives of Unas. He wondered if the SGC had come across any Men-In-Black style flashy-things, because he could surely do without the last five minutes of his memory. As he turned to leave, he ran straight into 6'3" of former First Prime.
"Greetings, O'Neill," intoned Teal'c, raising an eyebrow. "Would you care to join me for a midday meal? I am also seeking Daniel Jackson and Major Carter."
Well, there was really no way to back out of this now. "Ya, sure, you betcha." At least the resident alien was acting normal. They walked into Carter's lab to find her and Daniel still involved in their inappropriate conversation.
"Well, if you look at it in terms of the recent sexy analysis . . ."
"Ahem." Daniel adjusted his glasses and Carter looked up as Jack cleared his throat. He decided that embarrassing the younger members of his team was appropriate revenge. "Could you maybe lay off the sex talk until after lunch?" The archeologist and the astrophysicist looked at him with slightly puzzled, but otherwise blank expressions. They glanced at each other briefly before Carter spoke up.
"Excuse me, sir?"
Oh, he wasn't letting them off the hook that easily. "Don't look so innocent. Teal'c and I both heard you gossip-mongers. Of course, only scientists would think of an analysis as sexy." Comprehension finally dawned on their faces, where it briefly fought with embarrassment, before turning into full-fledged amusement. Sam tried to stifle giggles with her hand, while Daniel was grinning from ear-to-ear.
"Not sexy, Jack, CEXC – C E X C. The Center for Exploration of Xenobiological Cultures, or depending on the context, S E X C, Subject Expert in Xenobiological Culture. They're a group based at Area 51. They have a few anthropologists and other scientists that we correspond with on long-term studies of certain artifacts."
"Did I not get that memo? Teal'c, did you know about this?"
"Indeed, O'Neill, I have had many conversations with CEXC scientists." The Jaffa remained stoic, but Jack thought he seemed a bit smug. The look on Jack's face was almost too much for Carter and Daniel, but they managed not to burst out laughing. Oh, this was not good. Jack needed to find blackmail material on his teammates fast, or else he would be living this down for a long time. But before he did that, he had to be clear on one thing.
"So, about Thor . . .?"
Author's Notes: Please let me know what you think. If you do review, please sign in, as I'd like to read something you've written. I've never been a very serious writer, but I am trying to improve, so I'd welcome any comments or constructive criticism. Unfortunately, this was based on an actual experience. You have no idea how unsettling it is to be at a meeting after you've been working for less than a month and have a bunch of middle-aged men start talking about "sexy guys" while you sit there wondering what's going on and hoping that some sort of acronym is involved. (Their CEXC stood for something completely different.) I was originally planning to have Daniel confused by Carter & O'Neill slinging military acronyms back and forth, but when I was trying to come up with an organization to fit the acronym, it just seemed like something Daniel & Sam would use. Oh, and if you're wondering, "assume" means to make an "ass" out of "u" and "me."