Rurouni Kenshin Presents: The Meiji-Era Full Monty! -- Part 2

A special "arigatou" to my editor and co-conspirator MadamHydra, who is a formidable fanfic-writer in her own right and who let me borrow her creations, the Nightwitches, for this insane fic. What? You haven't read "That Which Lingers" yet? Then get thee to http://www.geocities.com/~madamhydra/TWL.html pronto! You won't regret it, I promise you... ^.~

SPOILER WARNING! Yes, even this silly-fic has spoilers... they're relatively mild Revenge Arc spoilers, but I thought I'd post the warning just in case. So, if you have no idea who Enishi and Tomoe are, or what the heck Jinchuu means... read at your own risk!

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. I don't own "The Full Monty." I'm not making any money off of this... who'd buy this silliness anyway? :P

Kenshin: [nods to the musicians] Let's do it.

[Grinning, the young women began playing something appropriately bawdy, and the men begin their dance. As they begin unbuttoning their jackets, the women in the audience loudly cheer them on.]

Fangirl #1: [whistling sharply] Go, Aoshi! Work it, okashira!

Fangirl #2: [waving a handful of cash] Soujirou! How about a lap dance?

Large group of fangirls toward the back: [clapping and chanting in time to the music] Ken~shin! Ken~shin! Ken~shin!

Enishi: [sweatdrop] And people say *I'm* scary...

Chou: [double-sweatdrop] No kidding...

Kamatari: [cheerfully as they continue the dance] Ah, don't let them rattle ya, guys... remember, we want them to enjoy the show. The more they like it, the more yen we make, ne? [puts a little extra shake in his step, much to the delight of the audience]

Group next to the stage: Wai! Shake it, Kama-chan!

[Kamatari winks and grins at the women, who shriek and clap wildly.]

Chou: [growls] Dammit... where does he get off flirting like that? He doesn't even *like* girls!

[The men finish unbuttoning their jackets and face away from the audience. Kenshin takes his cap off, his loose hair tumbling down his shoulders. Some of the audience-members faint, overcome by the sight. The rest cheer raucously, pounding on tables and stamping their feet.]

Misao: [clapping wildly] Nice move, Himura!

[Kaoru lets forth a long wolf-howl.]

Megumi: [sweatdrop] I definitely should've let her win after the first cup.

Kenshin: [tossing his hair away from his face and dancing gracefully toward the edge of the stage] Kaoru-dono?

Kaoru: [eyeing his partially bared chest] Hm?

Kenshin: [hands her his cap] Hold this for me, onegai?

[Winking at her, he turns away. Starry-eyed, Kaoru clutches the cap to her chest.]

Misao: [pounding the table delightely] Ooh... smooth, smooth Himura!

[The men toss their jackets to the side of the stage, and the bouncers hold back the throng of women who try to dive after the garments.]

Maki: [thoughtfully] Quite an assortment of scars on that bunch.

Tokio: Well, considering their histories, is it any wonder?

Asuko: Hah! I like a man with a few scars. Gives him character.

Maki: [smiling slightly] Then you must think a great deal of Himura-san. [concerned expression] He's so thin, though! Doesn't that girl he lives with ever feed him?

Tokio: [coughs delicately] Well... she's quite hopeless in the kitchen, really...

Asuko: [wicked smile] My, my, Tokio... your wolf acquits himself quite well up there with all those youngsters. I've never been so happy to lose a bet with you. [yelling suddenly in her gravelly voice] Yeah! Take it off, Hajime!

[Saitou glares in their direction. Tokio shrugs and smiles apologetically at him.]

Tokio: [sighs] Those texts better be everything you say they are, Asuko...

[Back onstage, the men are performing some more fancy footwork while flexing their arm and chest muscles. More audience-members pass out, and the crowd roars louder.]

Sanosuke: [grinning] Look at 'em... we're driving 'em wild!

Hiko: [flashes genius smile] I never doubted I would.

Saitou: [scowls] Ahou ga. If you only knew *how* wild some of these women are...

Sanosuke: [perks up] Really? Which ones?

Saitou: [considers for a moment, then shakes his head] Forget it, chicken-head... they'd eat you alive...

Soujirou: [interrupts with a smile] Sagara-san, are we ready for the next act?

Sanosuke: Uh... oh, right. Let's go, men! One... two... three...

[The men rip away their specially designed, easily removable police-uniform pants and toss them aside with a flourish... leaving them wearing only their fundoshi. Nearly every woman in the audience surges toward the stage, waving yen-notes and screaming.]

Misao: [squashed against the stage] Gaah! Kaoru-san, help!

[The bouncers arrive, pushing the women back. Several of the men exchange grins... even Saitou smirks a little... Aoshi remains unmoved, of course. Kenshin has eyes only for Kaoru, who is dragging Misao up onto their table. They both start dancing in time with the men, wobbling slightly. Megumi stays seated, her head in her her hands.]

Kenshin: [dancing toward the edge of the stage] Kaoru-dono... be careful! You'll hurt yourself!

Kaoru: [blowing him kisses] Stop worrying about me and dance, you sexy rurouni, you!

Misao: [laughing] Look, he's blushing, Kaoru-san! [yells] C'mon, Himura... shake it!

Megumi: [head still in hands] I do *not* know these two...

Sanosuke: Get back here, Kenshin! Okay, you guys... it's nearly solo-dance time. Kamatari's first... eh... Kamatari?

[The men look around as they continue dancing... but Kamatari has vanished from the stage.]

Sanosuke: [shaking his head] Che... must've chickened out. Ah, well... Soujirou, why don't you start, then?

Soujirou: [cheerfully] Hai!

[The bouncers do their best to contain the audience as Soujirou makes his way down to the front of the stage, doing a very sexy bump-and-grind. As he works his way down the line, however, things get quickly out of control.]

Fangirl #3: Sou-chan! Kawaii!

Fangirl #2: Get away from him, wench! He's mine!

Fangirl #3: Says you!

[The two begin pulling each other's hair and clawing each other's eyes out.]

Soujirou: [smiling and waving his hands] Ano... please don't fight, ladies...

[Two bouncers cart the feuding fangirls off... and a pack of drooling Soujirou fans quickly take advantage of the security lapse. They start climbing onto the stage, waving yen-notes... and a few are waving discarded articles of clothing as well.]

Fangirl-mob: Soujiiiiiirou! Dance for us, onegaiiiii?

Soujirou: [sweatdrop] Uh, oh...

[Suddenly, the mob is pushed offstage by a half-dozen lovely, well-dressed young women with light-brown eyes. They smile wickedly, their eyes gleaming ferally.]

Nightwitch #1: Seta Soujirou...

Nightwitch #2: Known as the Tenken...

Nightwitch #3: Possessor of god-speed...

Nightwitch #4: We'd be much obliged...

Nightwitch #5: If you would favor us...

Nightwitch #6: With a night of your company...

Nightwitches: [together in seductive voices] You won't regret it... we promise you...

Soujirou: [panicking] Eeto... gomen nasai, but I think my time is up, ladies... Ja!

[He uses his god-speed and vanishes offstage, the Nightwitches hot at his heels.]

Sanosuke: [yells] Soujirou! [mutters] Geez, that's two down. Oh, well... [out loud] Guess it's your turn now, psycho-boy. Try not to hurt anyone, okay?

Enishi: [eyes the audience warily] What if they hurt me first?

Sanosuke: [martyred sigh] They're *girls*, for crying out loud. Just dance, Yukishiro...

[Enishi tentatively makes his way to the front of the stage. Just as he starts dancing, a bunch of fangirls waving "Enishi Fan Club" signs makes their way to the front.]

Fangirl #5: [shrieks] Eni-chan! Dai suki!

Fangirl #6: [coos] C'mere, you gorgeous psychopath you...

[The girls evade the bodyguards and pounce on Enishi. He attempts to free himself, but they attach themselves to his legs.]

Enishi: [yelps] Help! Let go! Nee-san... what should I do?

[He sees a vision of Tomoe. She's smiling serenly... and he sees her mouth moving.]

Enishi: What... what are you saying to me, nee-san?

Tomoe: [whispers] ...lucky, otouto-chan...

Enishi: [incredulous] Nani?!?

Tomoe: [grins] You're about to get lucky, otouto-chan. Don't waste the opportunity... [her image dissolves]

Enishi: [eyes wide, blushing profusely] You're kidding, right? NEE-SAN!

[The last thing he sees is Tomoe winking at him. Enishi looks down at the nubile young fangirls attached to his legs... and promptly passes out with a nosebleed. The two fangirls look at each other, shrug, and drag the unconscious Psycho from Shanghai offstage, closely pursued by the Enishi Fan Club.]

Misao: [shrieking with laughter] That's what I call Jinchuu! Ne, Kaoru-san?

Sanosuke: [staring uneasily at the raucous crowd] Maybe these women are more dangerous than I thought. You ready, Saitou?

Saitou: [growls] Ahou. I'm not doing the solo dance, remember? It's in my agreement...

Sanosuke: [shrugs] Suit yourself... more yen for the rest of us, then. Oi, broom-head, that makes you next.

Chou: [cocky grin] Leave it to me! [He begins a flamboyant dance, to much applause and tipping, only to be interrupted halfway down the stage by three attractive young Nightwitches.]

Chou: [wide smile] What can I do for you lovely young ladies? A private dance, maybe?

[The Nightwitches grin evilly at each other, then fix a predatory stare on Chou.]

Nightwitches: [in unison] Show us your sword, big boy!

Chou: [looking pole-axed] Eh?

Nightwitch #1: [flirtatiously] Don't be shy... show us...

Nightwitch #2: [coy smile] We heard it was *enormous*...

Nightwitch #3: He told us so...

[The three women point at a grinning, kimono-clad Kamatari. He waves a yen-note at Chou.]

Kamatari: C'mon, Chou-kun... dance for us!

Chou: [red with fury] l'll get you for this, you damned freak! C'mere...

[He starts toward Kamatari, but the Nightwitches block his path. One attempts to peek inside his fundoshi while the other two hold onto his legs.]

Chou: [sputtering] Hey! Get offa me! Bouncers!

[Strangely enough, the bouncers seem to be ignoring the Nightwitches. In desperation, Chou breaks away and bolts, the Nightwitches close behind him. Kamatari doubles over with laughter.]

Kaoru: [laughing hysterically] You're right, Misao-chan... this *is* fun!

Misao: [clutching Kaoru's arm] Ooh, it's Aoshi-sama's turn! I'm going up!

[She jumps off the table and pushes her way to the front of the crowd... as Sanosuke nudges a clearly reluctant Aoshi toward the front of the stage.]

Sanosuke: C'mon, Shinomori... just pretend it's combat without the swords. Close your eyes and meditate or something... it'll be over in no time...

Aoshi: [thinking] //Hmm... meditate... not a bad idea...//

[Aoshi takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and begins a graceful, sinuous dance... causing faintings and nosebleeds throughout the audience.]

Yuka: [fanning herself vigorously] Oh... my!

Risako: [watching him through half-lidded eyes] Hmm... perhaps he's not as cold as I thought. Ne, mother?

Tokio: [fanning placidly] I should say not... [glancing around the room] He's the clear favorite so far, that's for certain. I feel sorry for young Misao... if she wants to keep Shinomori for herself alone, she'll have her work cut out for her...

[Tokio catches the eyes of a group of "youngsters" headed for Aoshi and shakes her head slightly. They sigh as they turn away, some scowling, some pouting.]

Nightwitch: [muttering] Old spoilsport...

[Meanwhile, young Misao is practically drooling as Aoshi approaches her. There's no room left in the band of his fundoshi for her yen-note... so she takes a deep breath and slips it carefully down the front. Startled, Aoshi's eyes open.]

Aoshi: [clearing his throat] Misao...

Misao: [eyes sparkling] Hai, Aoshi-sama?

Aoshi: Was that really necessary?

Misao: [grins] Oh, most *definitely*, Aoshi-sama!

[Aoshi sighs and resumes his dance. Misao swoons her way back to the table.]

Misao: Ahhh... that was *so* worth the wait. [looks around] Ne, Kaoru-san... where's Megumi-san?

Kaoru: Ano... [she points to the front of the stage, where Megumi is watching Aoshi dance with a foxy-smile on her face.]

Misao: [shrieks] THAT HUSSY! [Kaoru holds an enraged Misao back as she tries to throw kunai at Megumi.] GET AWAY FROM MY AOSHI-SAMA YOU... FOX-LADY YOU!

Megumi: [fox-ears twitching as she slips her yen-note in the same place as Misao's] Ohohohoho!

Aoshi: [returning to the line of dancers in back That was... an experience.

Sanosuke: [slapping Aoshi on the back with a grin] You did good, okashira. Care to top that, Hiko-sama?

Hiko: [smirks] Just watch me, boy. [He swiftly heads for the front of the stage, flexing and shaking his hips. The hall erupts in delighted screams as a pack of drooling fangirls rushes the stage.]

Fangirls: HIKO-SAMAAAAAA! [They shower the stage with yen-notes and female undergarments.]

Sanosuke: [watching with a slightly sour look] Well, Kenshin, I gotta say that your teacher's certainly got the moves....

Kenshin: [mumbles something incoherent]

[Hiko saunters back toward the others, wearing a smug expression. Saitou leans over and says, loudly enough for Hiko and the other men to hear...]

Saitou: [malicious amusement] Well, that performance certainly got *her* attention...

[Sanosuke looks around curiously and sees Risako, whose narrow-eyed stare could vaporize stone. Then, as Hiko sees a sinister and decidedly predatory little smile appears on Risako's face, he flubs a step, trips and falls off the stage. He is promptly mobbed by the rabid fangirls, led by two women clad in familiar blue uniforms.]

Okon and Omasu: [hearts in eyes] HIKO-SAMA! We've waited so long for this!

Hiko: [speechless with dread]

[The swirling mass of Hiko-and-fangirls heads for the door.]

Kenshin: [stunned] I've never seen shishou act so clumsy! How strange...

Saitou: [wolfish grin] Well... it's your turn, rooster-boy. Think you can handle it?

Sanosuke: [smirks] Heh. No problem! [cracking his knuckles] Time for Sagara Sanosuke to work his magic...

[Sanosuke begins a bold, seductive dance, delighting the hordes of fangirls who surge to the front of the stage, clamoring for his attention. As he works the line, he takes off his headband with a cocky grin and throws it into the audience. A stampede ensues, and one flushed, breathless woman emerges from the melee clutching the headband tightly.]

Misao and Kaoru: [shocked] T- T- Tae-san?!?

Tae: [smiling as she holds the headband over her head] What am I offered for this lovely headband, worn by sexy Sagara Sanosuke of Meiji-Era Full Monty fame?

[She is immediately surrounded by screaming women waving money at her. She winks at Kaoru and Misao and turns her attention back to the bidding.]

Kaoru: [admiringly] That's one way to get Sanosuke's Akabeko tab paid off...

Misao: [studying Sanosuke, a mischievous grin spreading across her sake-flushed face] Kaoru-san, I have an idea. Let's go up front and... [whispers the rest in Kaoru's ear]

Kaoru: [grinning in return] I like it!

[They head for the front of the stage, with Misao employing some discreet kempou to open a pathway through the frenzied fangirls. As they reach the front, Sanosuke grins down at them.]

Sanosuke: [continuing to dance] Yo, Jou-chan, Misao-chan. So, you've come to watch a *real* man in action, ne?

Kaoru: [flutters her eyelashes and simpers] Oh, yes, Sano... next to Kenshin, I've always liked *you* best.

Misao: [using her most seductive voice and waving a few yen-notes] Why don't you come over here and let us show our... appreciation?

Sanosuke: [broad smile] When you put it that way... how can I refuse?

[He dances up to the two women, who can't help blushing as they squeal their encouragement.]

Misao: [to Kaoru] He *is* a sexy baka-yarou... I almost feel guilty...

Kaoru: Don't lose your courage now, Misao-chan... gambatte!

Misao: Right! [calls to Sanosuke sweetly] Sa~nooo! You'll have to bend down... I can't reach you up there...

Sanosuke: [squats forward on one knee] How's this?

Misao: [looks deep into his eyes] Oh... that's perfect... ne, Kaoru-san?

Kaoru: [grins wickedly] Hai!

[The two reach behind Sano and pinch his butt. As he yelps in surprise, they grin at each other... and shout...]

Kaoru and Misao: WEDGIE!

[They pull the band of his fundoshi up as high and hard as they can.]

Sanosuke: [chokes and goes gray for a moment] That... was... evil... Jou-chan! [He pitches forward, and Misao catches him by the shoulders, nearly falling over herself. Kaoru is rolling around on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.]

Misao: [laughing almost as hard] Don't blame her, rooster-head... it was my idea...

Sanosuke: [still grimacing] I should've known... sneaky little weasel-girl...

Misao: [impulsively plants a kiss on his slightly open mouth, then whispers in his ear] That's for being a good sport... now go make way for Himura.

[She pushes him back onto the stage. Sanosuke stares at her, speechless, and hobbles back into line with the remaining men. Saitou is grinning nastily... Kenshin is struggling not to laugh -- and failing miserably... and Aoshi eyes him coldly.]

Sanosuke: [growls] Oi, Shinomori... *she* kissed *me*. And it was only a joke... so don't go getting your fundoshi all in a twist about it...

Aoshi: [evenly] If you say so.

Sanosuke: [thinking] //She's pretty cute... for a skinny, flat-chested little weasel. Wonder what she'll look like in a couple of years?//

Kenshin: [still chuckling] Err... Sano, can I help you with your...

Megumi: [pokes her head out from the curtain behind the stage with a foxy-grin] Don't worry, Ken-san! This situation calls for a doctor, don't you think, rooster-head? [winks at Sanosuke]

Sanosuke: [anticipatory smirk] Whatever you say, kitsune-sensei... [He obediently follows Megumi behind the curtain, winking at Kenshin.]

Kenshin: [grins] Don't forget the finale, Sano!

Sanosuke: [waves him away] Hai, hai... you'd better do your thing first. Remember -- now's your chance to really knock Jou-chan for a loop! [He tries to say more but is yanked backstage by an impatient Megumi.]

[The minute Kenshin takes a step toward the front of the stage, the noise level in the room becomes almost unbearable.]

Kenshin: [waving at the audience sheepishly] Really... all this fuss over sessha... you're all too kind...

[He begins to dance, his hair swaying with his swift, graceful movements. The fangirls try to claw their way through the bouncers... but they manage to hold the rabid women off.]

Maki: [watching with half-lidded eyes] My, he's quite... skilled. Would you be terribly embarrassed, sister, if I gave him a tip?

Tokio: [dryly] It depends on what *kind* of tip you have in mind.

Maki: [sighing in disappointment] I suppose it would be rather undignified. What I wouldn't give to be a few centuries younger...

[Meanwhile, a few tables away...]

Misao: [watching Kenshin approach] Yatta! Here he comes, Kaoru-san!

Kaoru: [striking a dramatic pose] Stand back... time for the kenjutsu komachi to go to work.

[Since Kenshin is by far the most popular of the dancers, he takes a long time to work the line. By the time he reaches Kaoru, he's got yen-notes stuffed in every part of his fundoshi... woven in his hair... tucked behind his ears...]

Kenshin: [smiling his friendly-rurouni smile at Kaoru] Look, Kaoru-dono! We can get the doujou roof fixed now! And a new washtub... and...

Kaoru: [smiling and waggling a finger] Come here, Kenshin...

Kenshin: [shaking his head gingerly] Kaoru-dono, you don't need to tip me. Really.

Kaoru: [suggestive smile] Oh, yes I do... now come here...

Kenshin: [sweatdrop] You're not going to do that wedgie-thingie to me, are you?

Kaoru: [giggling] Of course not! Now stop resisting... you *know* you can never say no to me...

Kenshin: [smiles and shrugs] That's true enough...

[Kenshin obediently approaches Kaoru... who stands up on tiptoe and kisses him softly. Cheers erupt all around them, and some fangirls start waving "Kenshin & Kaoru Forever!" signs.]

Sanosuke: [emerges from backstage with several lipstick marks on his face and neck, whistling loudly] All right, Jou-chan!

Kaoru: [smiling sweetly] Now go give us that big finish we've been promised.

Kenshin: [stunned] H- hai! [He returns to the others with a bit more spring in his step.]

Sanosuke: [winks] Way to go, Kenshin. Now... let's give the ladies what they came for, men! Line up... and one... two... three...

[The scene ends with flying fundoshi... and a shot of the men from the back as they bare all to ear-splitting screams, cheers and applause...]

~Owari~