A/n-I'm already apologizing for this. I'm very sorry. I couldn't help it. I was bitten by a rabid plot bunny and I couldn't shake it. Besides, I killed my knee on the bottom of the swimming pool at practice, and I have nothing better to do with my time.
Disclaimer-I don't own anything recognizable. Yay?
PS-In compliance with new rules, all review responses were deleted from this story. It's not like I love them any less, it's just that I'm sick of being temporarily banned for reasons unbeknownst to me. So that's it...
"One ring to rule them all…it just seems so drab, does it not?" His high-and-mightyness Sauron asked the random orc guy. We'll call him Marco Polo.
"Whatever," said Marco Polo, watching his lord with interest. He honestly could care less about ruling rings.
"I'm thinking we go with something much more…demonic…" said Sauron. And in the flames of Mount Doom, Sauron forged the most evil thing ever created…
"BEHOLD! THE ONE SPATULA TO RULE THEM ALL!" cried Sauron as he held the demonic kitchen utensil aloft. The orcs oohed and aahed at the sight of their diabolic lord held the diabolic item aloft. However, Sauron's happiness with the weapon was short-lived.
"So THAT'S where I put that darn spatula!" said Sam, grumbling angrily. He couldn't have a complete kitchen set without the spatula, could he? Before Sauron, Marco Polo, or anyone else figured out what was going on, the special hobbit of happiness took the One Spatula back to Hobbiton. However, at this time, Sauron did not know of the existence of Hobbiton, and decided that Sam was some sort of sign that the One Spatula was not the weapon of mass destruction that he needed.
After several more days in Mount Doom, and a large amount of coffee, Sauron created another, more powerful, more evil thing ever created…
"BEHOLD! THE ONE CANDLE TO RULE THEM ALL!" The orcs, upon seeing the flickering light of the candle, all fell to the ground and began twitching.
"THE LIGHT! IT BURNSES!" they all shrieked in agony. Several of them succeeded in jumping off large objects such as Mount Doom, Barad-dûr, and Gandalf's nose. Exactly what Gandalf was doing in Mordor at the time is not known.
"Um, well, I guess this will never do," grumbled Sauron as he tossed the One Candle into the Cracks of Doom, where it sizzled like several Boy Scouts in Death Valley.
After three days of hard labor in Mount Doom, seven rubber chickens, thirteen copies of Pinocchio and four hundred cappuccinos, Sauron was ready to present the most evil, deadly, can't-think-of-another-synonym object of ALL TIME…
"BEHOLD! THE ONE SOAP BAR TO—oh bugger…" said Sauron as the ill-fated One Soap Bar slipped out of his hands and fell into the Cracks of Doom.
"Well, this is lovely," said Marco Polo as Sauron proceeded to throw a temper tantrum and succeeded in destroying several ranks of orcs and three Crebain.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Middle Earth…
"What the bloody hell is going on over there?" Galadrial asked nobody in particular, as a huge fiery thunderstorm raged over Mordor.
"I bet he's going to create some object of extreme evil, which is going to cause a great war between Men, Elves and him, which is going to result in said object of extreme evil being cut from his hand by Isildur, who is not going to toss it into Mt. Doom despite what Elrond and Círdan tell him, and is going to be shot by orcs and drop the object into Anduin, where Deagol is going to find it and Sméagol is going to steal it, resulting in Sméagol killing Deagol and turning into Gollum, and some random hobbit named Bilbo is going to win it from him and he's going to give it to his cousin-whom-is-commonly-referred-to-as-nephew Frodo, who is going to take it on a quest with a bunch of random other dudes to throw it into Mt. Doom and ultimately end evil forever," said Celeborn, "But it's just a guess," Galadrial just gave him an odd look.
"BEHOLD! THE ONE ODD DRAWING OF SOME SCYTHE-WIELDING LADY TO RULE THEM ALL!" shouted Sauron. However, the One Odd Drawing of Some Scythe-Wielding Lady was stolen by me, who is in fact the one who drew it (please, don't ask) and was stuck back in my English/History binder where Sauron stole it from. Needless to say, the One Odd Drawing of Some Scythe-Wielding Lady was not exactly "successful".
"Maybe the One Ring was not such a drab idea," said Marco Polo's cousin's friend's grandfather's cousin's cousin's cousin's uncle's brother's nephew's grandfather's second wife's son through common law marriage. We shall call him the "Yugoslavian Man" (inside joke, don't ask).
"Oh shut up, you…you…SON OF A MOTHER!" yelled Sauron, before storming off to create his weapon of demonic-ness.
Forty-six hours, fourteen strawberry smoothies and a defrenestrated giraffe later, Sauron had another item he could use to take over the world. It was not something coveted by hobbits, that gave off light, that was slippery, or that was stolen from the author. It was an item of pure evil…
"BEHOLD! THE ONE SPANISH TEXTBOOK TO RULE THEM ALL!" Sauron crowed triumphantly. The orcs cowered at his feet. An aura of evil spread throughout the land. Everything fell silent, except for the pained howling of the author. Yes, I am cowering and howling. Sauron gave the classic evil-villain laugh, as lightning flashed in the background. However, he did not expect the author running off and warning the world of the demonic weapon.
"ELVES! MEN! THE DARK LORD SAURON HAS CREATED AN EVIL WEAPON WITH WHICH HE HOPES TO DESTROY THE WORLD!" cried the author, who shall now be called Hype. Everyone gave her an odd look. "WE MUST COMBAT IT WITH GOOD BOOKS!" Unfortunately, the citizens of Middle Earth believed Hype to be a raving lunatic. She realized she would have to do this herself…or, rather, with the help of some of her friends.
"Rhia! LH! We have a situation code blue in Middle Earth!" Hype called into the "Hotline".
"Code blue?" asked LH, "We have attacking mutant space potatoes?"
"I mean, we have a Code Yellowish-Pinkish-Purpleish-Blueish-Reddish-Whitish!"
"You mean, Evil Warlords using Spanish Textbooks to take over the world?" asked Rhia, shock and horror etched into her face.
"Yup," said Hype.
"We must represent our respective-ness!" said LH, not exactly making any sense.
"XYLOPHONE!" shouted Hype, for no apparent reason. The three teenagers made their way to the Black Gate, representing the only things that the One Spanish Textbook could not fight against.
"LET THE LORD OF THE BLACK GATE COME FORTH, AND JUSTICE BE DONE TO HIM!" shouted Hype. Three teenagers in front of an imposing black gate was not exactly a very strong opposition. Sauron nearly laughed himself to death.
"I will try to crush you quickly!" shouted Sauron. He sent millions of orcs out to combat the three teenagers.
"Well, holy bloody crumb," said LH, looking around.
"We are well prepared, do not fear!" said Rhia and Hype, pulling forth their weapons.
"I REPRESENT GOOD BOOKS TO COMBAT THE TEXTBOOK!" shrieked Hype, who began throwing good books, such as Silverlance, The Firebrand, and LOTR(ironically) at the orcs. They were easily killed and driven back.
"I REPRESENT GOOD LANGUAGES TO COMBAT THE SPANISH!" yelled Rhia, who began throwing English dictionaries and dictionaries of the trio's made-up words at the orcs. Soon, the vast majority of them were dead or running.
"AND I REPRESENT GOOD MUSIC FOR NO APPARENT REASON!" yelled LH, who pulled out several boom boxes and began playing good music such as Green Day, Mars Volta, Evanescence, and a variety of Oldies music. Hype started dancing until both Rhia and LH smacked her.
"AAIEEEE!" shrieked the Yugoslavian Man and Marco Polo, filling in the sound effects as Sauron came forth. The music, dictionaries, and books did nothing to stop the Dark Lord and the One Spanish Textbook. However, Hype and Rhia's Spanish teacher came barreling in, and bit Sauron on the ear until he released the Spanish Textbook. Then the Spanish teacher took the book and ran back to the school where he lived. The Textbook was never seen again. The three teenagers decided to celebrate by playing the good music even more, then running back to Rhia's house to play "The Sims".
"Well, bugger," muttered a very fed-up Sauron, as he nursed his ear.
"Nice Van Gogh touch," said the Yugoslavian Man, giving Sauron a thumbs-up. Sauron proceeded to let his wargs beat the bloody crumb out of the poor orc. That was the last that was seen of the Yugoslavian Man.
"Maybe he was right…maybe rings aren't so drab after all…" mused Sauron. The rest, as they say, is history.
I think I've apologized enough for this, and I'll say it again: I'm so so sorry. I'm not sure what this turned into, but I guess it's now self-insert piece that probably isn't that funny. Please, go easy on the flames…