Haley stared at the blank journal in front of her and the pen in her hand. She relaxed back in the seat and debated about what to write. It was for her eyes only but still she wanted the words to make sense and capture the moment, the very essence of what she was feeling inside.
Dear Diary,
It has been a long journey and the funny thing is I know now it has just begun. Someone once told me the most powerful word in the English dictionary is "choose". The power of a choice. I never understood it then…but I get it now. The decisions we make today affect the rest of our lives. That is true. But the choice I have made affects everyone's lives. It's a hell of a position to be in. I will think about it everyday. God, a person could go crazy thinking about something like this. What is right? What is wrong?
Why did I do this? For me? It might seem that way but it's not. Still I can take the heat. I will have to and my reputation will definitely be under the fire from now on. All I ever wanted really was Nathan. Nathan and Lillian. And now I will have them. I guess I always would have had them but I chose not to take the easy road.
I sacrificed for my friends. Now Jenny gets to have a real life with real parents who love her. She doesn't have to be on the run with Nikki. And Peyton and Jake are soul mates. And Lucas and Brooke. They should be together. This was their destiny. That was the "end" Lucas told me about. The beginning was always there and now history is being written with each passing minute. I control the middle.
Jake, Peyton and Jenny can be a family. Lucas and Brooke will have their chance to grow up, then rediscover each other. Keith will find Jules and they will work out their differences. Karen and Andy won't have to be apart. Dan and Deb won't divorce. Maybe those two don't get the traditional happy ending but deep down, I think she knows. Dan Scott will never change. He's the same person he has always been and always will be. It's up to her. The power to change it all, the power to leave has always been there and it lies in her hands. But in an odd way, she is where she wants to be. Sadly, it's all Deb knows.
I take a deep breath and try to imagine that soon my wildest dreams will come true. I always wanted more than mornings belting out tunes in the shower and nights singing at Tric. I always wondered if there was more out there for me. Now I know. And not only do I know, I have the opportunity to express my art and let my passion and talent take me to places I have only been in dreams.
This is my shot. Most people only dream of a chance like this. Now hopes and dreams will become my reality. I've done it. It all comes down to these next few moments.
But I didn't just do it for me or for the people I care about. I did this most for Nathan. As much as he loves me and as much as I may have changed him, right now he's still that 16 year old kid. He needs to live and learn and experience. Only that will shape him into the man he is destined to become. He can't do that with me…so I have to let him go in order to do it without me.
Peyton was right. All along it was turkey or ham, black or white, north or south. I only had two options. It never would have worked with us staying together and pursuing our own dreams. We would have hindered each other. As selfish as it may sound, I don't know if I'd be mature enough to be there while he went for High Fliers or a career in college and the NBA. And no matter what he says, there is no way he could have handled the music with me. He'd always be jealous of Chris and it would be impossible with the tours and the fans and the long recording sessions. It just wouldn't work.
Nathan and I are destined to be together but only after we take care of ourselves first. Time, experience and maturity will make us become the people we have and need to be. He might not understand now, I am sure the cycle of the downward spiral has already begun and his anger towards me is slowly manifesting itself into hate. He might not get it now but one day, one day he will.
I'm sure at one time or another we've all wanted to see our futures clearly. What will happen? Now I know everything and I must keep everything the same to ensure the ending. I will wait for annulment papers and send them to my lawyer, knowing they won't make it to North Carolina in time. I must face the music when Nathan finds out. I must face Megan again. I must prepare myself for the mental and physical challenge when the wave hits, knowing all along what was going to happen when I suggest a Dominican divorce. The wedding, Yoanna, Lillian, Chris, Taylor…all of it is pre destined to happen. I just have to make sure it did happen.
This is crazy and confusing and scary at the same time. I feel that I did the right thing though I'll probably second guess myself every day. But it will all be worth it that morning in eight years when I wake up in the St. Francis hotel. It won't be a dream then. I'll be in Nathan's arms and it will be our time and we can be a family again. Knowing how beautiful that will be will sustain me for these years that are to come.
I never wanted this and I never asked for this but often that's how it happens in life. We are dealt a hand and we must play those cards to the best of our ability. I can only hope I played the smartest game possible but then again…only time will tell.
30 April 2005
Haley James (Scott)
Sighing, she closed the book and in doing so, closed the door on an important chapter of her life.
"You mind if I play my guitar?"
Haley smiled.
"Since when did you ask my permission for anything?"
Chris gave her a side glance.
"Since you woke up in Alabama acting like a crazy woman. Now I'm all afraid you're gonna spazz out again and chop me up into a zillion pieces or something."
She grinned.
"Officially? No but unofficially, you better watch your back."
"I'm sleeping with one eye open", he warned as he began to strum.
"Smart move, Keller."
"Seriously though…I'm glad you came back. This is your dream. Most people don't even get one shot. We've earned an opportunity, now it's up to us to turn it into gold."
"I know."
"I'm just sorry about everything that happened with Nathan and all…"
"Chris…"
"I hate getting all sappy on you because that ain't my normal way but I know this wasn't easy for you."
"No, it wasn't."
"I'm your friend and I have your back…always. I just want you to know that, Haley."
"I do", she smiled.
"Maybe you two can work it all out in the midst of those Grammys and headlining tours you were babbling about", he joked.
"Maybe."
"After all", he said. "No one really knows what the future actually holds."
It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him everything but she decided not to. Eventually it would all come to past and he would see it, every bit of it just like she told him that day in Alabama.
"I guess you're right", she finally looked at him. "No one really does know."
He gave her a shrug and began to sing…
I started up my hollow And I realize there's tomorrow Well I'm cruisin' El Paseo And I'll let you know
Piece of wood to follow
A day that doesn't come to the lucky
But I would rather wallow
In the rain than moods that seem so potlucky
In my off-white coupe back '65
Oh I'm cruisin' down my own street
And my hoopty says to me
"You better hang on to your benchseat
I'm gonna take you for a ride."
When it comes, when it comes
I'll let you know
But don't stay up for me
Don't wait up for me if I'm not home, yeah
Haley smiled as she drifted off to sleep underneath the blanket on the bus. She needed her rest. After all, it would all come down soon enough.