Title: I Know the Way Out
Author: Cyher AKA tiger220
Summary: When Josh has a problem, Leo's the only one he can go to.
Author's Notes: It's 8 pages of character growth for Josh and Leo It's six chapters long, but really they're more like scene breaks than chapters. I wanted something that broke the moment a little better than some pretty pattern of asterisks, underscores, and tildes. At least, that's what I tell myself when it starts to feel a little ridiculous that chapter 3 is all of 3 paragraphs.
Prologue
I don't know what's going on…except, I do. Let me rephrase. I don't know how I let this happen.
Josh Lyman wiped sweat from his brow and gazed at the pictures in his office. His family. Framed images of his mother and father, Joanie, aunts, uncles, and grandparents smiled at him from one wall. Most of that family was gone now.
On the opposite wall was his White House family. Candid shots of the White House senior staff during their brazen campaign to elect Josiah Bartlet to the presidency. There was one picture that stood out from all the rest. It was full color and very large: a shot snapped just after the results were announced on Election Night. Josh could still remember it. 'Bartlett wins with 311 electoral votes.'
They were all happy. Everyone was smiling. Even Toby had forgone his trademark scowl for a large grin. Sam and C.J. were dancing in the background. Right there in the middle stood Leo McGarry, one arm draped over the shoulders of the soon-to-be-president, the other wrapped around Josh's own shoulders, pulling him into a strong and happy hug.
He'd let them down, they just didn't know it yet.
Chapter 1
Slowly Josh made the walk from his office to Leo's. His head was pounding, but was it real pain or imagined? He couldn't tell anymore. Either way, he was grateful for the dim lights of late night.
As he entered the outer part of Leo's office, Leo's assistant, Margaret, looked up from her computer. "Josh," she said with a sense of urgency, "I just got this email that says each year 100,000 secretaries get—"
"You know what, Margaret," Josh said, cutting her off, "tell Donna and I'm sure she'll find some weird way to work it into a conversation about the trade deficit or something. Is he in?"
"Yeah, I think he's getting ready to leave," Margaret answered. "Josh, are you feeling all right? You look a little pale."
Margaret's question went unanswered as Josh tapped lightly on the door before entering the Chief of Staff's office.
"Hey, Josh," Leo said, glancing up from the papers he was stuffing in his briefcase.
Josh didn't say anything. He didn't really know what to say, and was beginning to feel like the whole thing was a mistake, and he should just go back to his office where a mountain of paperwork awaited him. That would surely be preferable.
But it wouldn't be helpful.
Slowly and silently he sank into one of the chairs that faced Leo's desk. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his head down.
"Leo," Josh said shakily. Leo looked up, the worry in Josh's voice yanking him from his task.
"What is it?" he asked, closing his briefcase and pushing it aside. Josh said nothing. "Josh?"
Josh looked up and ran a hand through his hair. "Leo," he began again, "I…" With a sigh, Josh rose from his chair and paced the room, searching for the right words. Leo watched, concern etched on his face. Josh didn't look well. He was thinner and paler than usual.
"Josh? What's wrong?" Leo walked around his desk, but when he got to Josh's side, Josh turned and walked to the other end of the office, keeping distance between himself and the Chief of Staff.
"It's just…I think…" Josh continued to search for a way to say what he needed to say, but every time he started, it just sounded so wrong. He had circled the office like a caged animal several times before stopping. "You know, it's nothing," he said finally. "Sorry to bother you, I'm just…I'm gonna go…I think we need to get a new nose count on-"
"Josh!" Leo said with more than a hint of annoyance to his tone. He wasn't really annoyed, but if there was one thing he knew, it was how to handle his staff, particularly Joshua Lyman. "You've been in here bugging me for five minutes, obviously something's up, now what is it? And I know it's not the nose count for the banking bill. Toby says that was sewn up hours ago." He walked over to Josh and before Josh had a chance to retreat once again to the other end of the room, Leo had grabbed the other man's arm.
Josh removed Leo's hand and collapsed on the couch. With a sigh he leaned back and looked at the ceiling, only to draw another breath and lean forward, staring stonily at the wall in front of him.
"What is it?" Leo said gently as he sat down next to Josh. Josh looked down at his feet and squeezed his eyes shut. He drew a breath and let it out with a shudder. Leo could feel him shaking.
"I'm sorry, Leo. I…I didn't know where else to go…"
"It's okay," Leo said. Leo could hear the fear in Josh's voice. Josh Lyman wasn't the type to scare easily. Whatever was up, Leo knew it couldn't be good.
"I need…help…"
Leo nodded his head. "I'm right here."
His eyes still on the carpet, Josh reached into his pocket, pulled something out, and placed it in Leo's palm. He sat there for a moment, covering Leo's hands with his own, but still not looking him in the eye. Josh released Leo's hands and walked to the window, where he gazed out at the White House lawn.
Leo's eyes turned down to the container in his hand. Putting on his glasses, he read the label:
Lyman, Joshua
Vicodin
Take 1 every 4-6 hours as needed for pain
A one month supply filled one week ago was nearly half empty.
"Oh, Josh…"
Chapter 2
I told him I'd help him. I told him I'd be there for him. That was months ago. Where was I? Why didn't I notice?
If there was ever a time Leo McGarry wanted a drink it was now. If there was ever a worse time to drink…it was now. He couldn't believe it. Josh and drugs were two things that should never be in the same sentence. Not like this, anyway.
White House Chief of Staff Leo McGarry poured himself a ginger ale and processed the conversation he had had less than an hour ago with his deputy, Josh Lyman.
Josh had come into Leo's office looking like death warmed over, and after a little prompting revealed issues he was having with pain killers. It had shocked Leo at first, but after he thought about it, he began to wonder how he hadn't noticed earlier. He began to wonder how he hadn't noticed at all.
Leo shook his head and downed the rest of his drink. It just wasn't right. None of it was. What had happened to Josh in Rosslynn, what has happening to him now, and especially what Leo had agreed to. He glanced at the closed door of his guest bedroom and wondered if Josh was okay. The young man would stay with him for a few days, and Leo would continue to check on him and help him during the following weeks. In exchange, Leo would keep quiet. That was their deal.
"This administration can't handle another scandal, Leo" Josh had said. "Between the President and MS and everything people still haven't forgotten from last year…this would kill us."
The sad thing was Leo knew he was right. Josh had mentioned resigning his position, but Leo wouldn't hear it. Maybe it was selfishness mixed with a dose of arrogance, but Leo didn't want to lose Josh at the White House and at that moment he felt like he possessed the knowledge it would take to help Josh walk through this nightmare. To help him out of this hole.
Josh shared his confidence. He had so much faith in Leo McGarry that he had walked into that office knowing that the older man would know what to do.
Leo poured himself another drink and hoped they were both right.
Chapter 3
It had been three weeks. Three weeks since the banking bill sailed through the House. Three weeks since Josh had received the lion's share of the credit. Three weeks of no pills. Three weeks of pain.
It still wasn't as bad as it could have been. Yes, his back ached and his head was pounding, but his own stubbornness seemed to keep some of the pain at bay.
I don't need the pills. I'll just stand here behind the door with my back straight against the wall. I'll take deep breaths and it will go away. It WILL go away.
Chapter 4
Leo was beginning - scratch that - continuing to wonder if he had done the right thing. He would watch as Josh put on a happy face and joked around with C.J., Toby, and Sam, but he also saw what no one else did. The clenched fist during conversations. The tight jaw and closed eyes during whatever diatribe the president had wandered off on.
It worried Leo.
He and Josh had been meeting nearly every night since Josh had first come to see him. During that time they had talked about everything from how Josh was feeling to how Leo was feeling to what position Josh played in Little League and how many Girl Scout cookies Mallory had once shoved down the throat of an obnoxious Cub Scout. There was only one thing Josh refused to discuss.
Leo had tried to get Josh to let the others in on the secret. They were his friends and would surely be a source of support and comfort, but Josh wouldn't hear of it. He swore up and down that the one-on-one meetings with Leo were suiting him just fine, and that adding other people to the mix would just create more pressure and he didn't want pity. He didn't want pity, and who could blame him?
Poor Josh Lyman-an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of lunatics. Poor Josh Lyman-an unfortunate victim of PTSD. The last thing he wanted was more ammunition for all the PoorJosh-ers or for anyone to see him as weak. He couldn't do his job if people thought he was weak. Of course, Leo knew that was just an easy scapegoat to cover up Josh's real reasons.
Greater than the fear of pity and weakness, was his fear of hurting the president's chances for re-election. The more people knew about the situation, the easier it would be for things to leak to the press. Josh would lie down in front of a bus if that's what it took to help the president.
Leo checked his watch again. Josh was supposed to have been there five minutes ago. In the past that wouldn't have worried Leo. For Josh to be 10-15 minutes late to any meeting was pretty normal. Ever since his confession, however, he had been on time or early for every meeting. It was a control thing, Leo knew. Josh couldn't control the pain he was feeling, so he'd focus on the things he could control. Based on what Leo overheard during the daily assistant gossip meetings, it was really starting to freak Donna out.
Five minutes turned into ten minutes, and Leo had had enough sitting around. As he left his office, he made a mental catalogue of all the places Josh was likely to be.
Chapter 5
Leo opened the door and poked his head in Josh's office. A pile of folders and paperwork was scattered across the desk, but Josh was nowhere in sight.
"Hey Leo, you looking for Josh?"
"Donna, you're like a cat!" Leo said. "Didn't your mother teach you not to sneak up on people?"
"She tried, but realized it was futile," Donna said. "I'm not sure where Josh is. He said he was going to take a walk, and that I could leave once I dropped a memo off at C.J.'s office. I just came back to get my coat. I could stick around-"
"Nah, that's okay." Leo said. "You should go. I mean, the place is practically deserted, anyway."
Donna gave Leo an uncertain look. "Well, okay," she finally said. "If I see Josh roaming the halls on my way out I'll tell him you're looking for him."
"Okay," Leo said. "Have a good night!"
"You too," Donna said, giving Leo a small wave as she walked out the door. Leo watched her go. When she was out of sight he counted to ten and looked around the bullpen. There wasn't a person in sight, and the lights had already switched over to a low-energy setting that left the room fairly dim. More than practically deserted, the place seemed downright dead.
Leo slowly started to walk through the area. Josh wasn't in the communications bullpen. He wasn't in the mess. He wasn't in his office. Maybe he had just gone for a walk around the grounds, but Leo found it unlikely.
Leo stopped. His eyes settled on a heavy oak door. It was the door to a small closet that used to house a few janitorial supplies but had since been turned into a supply closet for the various assistants and junior staffers that worked in the area.
Leo walked to the door and rested his hand on the knob. He was going to feel pretty stupid if Josh wasn't in there, but he pushed the thought aside and opened the door.
Josh was barely visible amidst the boxes of legal pads and pens that cluttered the room, but he was there. He was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest. His body jolted just a bit when the door open, and he looked up with that deer-in-the-headlights expression. He relaxed just a little when he realized it was only Leo.
"Leo," he said searching his brain for something to say. Some explanation for why he was sitting on the floor in a closet. "I was just…I was…I needed a…"
Leo closed the door behind him, turned on the overhead light, and squatted down to Josh's level. "Hey Josh, this is me," Leo said, resting his hand on the young man's shoulder. "What happened?"
Josh wouldn't look at him. He stared intently at the floor in front of him, but wouldn't raise his eyes to meet Leo's gaze again. His hands had begun to shake, and Leo took them in his own. "Josh, talk to me."
"I couldn't make it stop," Josh whispered. "It just…I had to get away from…from everything, and…nobody comes in here that often. I've been watching."
Leo pushed a crate of file folders out of the way and sat down next to Josh. "It's gonna be okay, Josh."
"No," Josh said. His voice shook and his chin was beginning to quiver. "I feel…I feel like I'm falling and standing still all at the same time. I feel…I don't know. I don't understand why I can't beat this, Leo!"
Josh's whole body had begun to tremble, and without even thinking Leo wrapped his arms around Josh and pulled him close. That's when it happened. The breakdown that Leo knew was inevitable but at the same time had hoped wouldn't happen to Josh.
Josh buried his head in Leo's chest, and was unable to hold back a sob. Tears flowed freely from his eyes and left wet spots on Leo's shirt, but there was no thought of embarrassment or weakness on either side. There was only sadness and despair.
"I don't get it," Josh said through clenched teeth. "I just don't understand why…"
"I know," Leo whispered. He tried to hold back his own tears, but over the past few weeks Josh had worked himself into Leo's heart. He had always seemed like a favorite nephew to the older man, but somewhere along the line that all had changed. Leo had this overwhelming amount of love for Josh. In that moment he knew that their entire dynamic had changed forever.
Josh was his son, and he was suffering, and Leo couldn't stop it. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he kissed Josh's hair and held him close. It was all he could do.
Chapter 6
Several minutes had passed since Josh and Leo had taken deep breaths and found some sort of inner peace. Neither spoke. It wasn't so much that they didn't want to, but that they knew one word could completely disrupt the calmness that had settled over them.
They silently sat side-by-side in almost identical poses. Finally, Josh spoke.
"You know, people say we're a lot alike."
"Do they?"
"Yeah," Josh let out a small laugh which brought a smile to both their faces. "Yeah, they say the president is grooming Sam to be president some day and you're…y'know…"
"Hmm. Yeah, Sam would probably make a good president."
"Yeah."
There was that silence again.
"You'd make a great Chief of Staff for him. Any president would be lucky to have you."
"I don't think so."
"Well, you don't have to," Leo said, "because I know so."
Josh shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.
"But they're wrong, Leo. I'm not like you. I want to be. I try to be, but I'm not."
Leo had never seen Josh with so little confidence.
"I don't know how you did it," Josh said. "How did you…how did you do it?"
"I had a lot of help, Josh. I mean, a lot of help…I'm sorry I can't do more for you. I'm sorry I can't make this easier."
Josh looked at Leo, alarmed. "But you've done so much for me," he said. "I mean, I don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for you…If anything, I've let you down. I'm the one who should be sorry."
"No," Leo said firmly. "It was stupid of me to think that I alone could…I should have known. Josh we're strong, but we're not that strong. Nobody is."
Silence.
"Josh, you hear what I'm saying? I think it's time to talk to the president."
Josh gave an almost imperceptible nod.
The two men helped each other up off the cold closet floor. They took a moment to compose themselves before opening the door and stepping into the hallway. Side by side they walked to the other end of the building.
It seemed like the longest walk of Josh's life, and it was only the beginning.