THE FELLOWSHIP VS. THE MAYONNAISE JAR
By: Legolasina
DISCLAIMER: erm...mushrooms are great, but they dont eat cake. I love LotR, but I dont own it. Mayonnaise is evil, but Eowyn can defeat it...in other words, I'm random, & I'm desparate for a stupid disclaimer. Rock on!
"UH! I can't open this dumb jar!"
Pippin looked at the mayonnaise jar in disgust. He was in the Gondor kitchen at 12:00 a.m. Pippin was trying to make a sandwich that would make his hunger disappear. Pippin earlier was playing a game where he was blindfolded, & kept running around & kept knocking things over. Aragorn was so mad at Pippin that he couldn't speak, so Frodo sent him to bed without dinner. The only person who still liked Pip after that night was Merry.
"MERRY!"
"What's wrong Pip?" Merry thought Pippin was hurt. "I can cure you in no time just hold still!" Merry was hyperventilating.
"I'M NOT SICK! Can you open this?"
"Oh sure!" Merry struggled with it for what seemed like forever. He even tried to do a karate kick…Pippin found out Merry didn't have the best of aiming. Merry hurt his foot while Pippin was hurt in more places.
(Grr) "I can't open it either, SAM!"
"What is it Mr. Merry?" Sam was holding his frying pans & started swinging them around; he hit Pippin in the back. "OUCH!" Pippin exclaimed.
"Can you open this?" Merry said kicking Pippin.
"Why does everyone hate me?"
"We don't hate you; we just want you to shut up."
"OHHHH, ok" Pippin finally understood things now!
"Ok Mr. Merry." 30 minutes later. "This is a tough jar no doubt, MR. FRODO!"
"What is it Sam? Do you know what time it is? It's 1:00 in the morning."
"We know, um could you open this for us?"
"Sure!" 30 minutes later "BOROMIR!"
"Me vewy tired. You go night, night." Boromir was obviously out of it.
"Boromir, can you open this for us?" (holds out mayonnaise jar)
"Oh, no problem." 30 minutes later (hiss) this jar is evil, EVIL…LEGOLAS!"
Legolas came in looking very pretty (not). He also was in such a good mood (not). All the hobbits figured out why Leggy went to bed at 6:00 every night.
Grr "can't an elf get his beauty sleep?" flicks hair
"I thought that only girls had to have beauty sleep!" Frodo hit Pippin in the back of the head.
"Please Mr. Legolas" said Sam "please can you open this jar?"
"NO!" Legolas screamed in his high pitched girly voice. (Yet all the girls fall in love with him.)
"Please" they all said with their puppy dog eyes.
"Oh fine" 20 minutes later "GIMLI!"
"What my elfy friend, are there orks near?" Gimli had his ax.
"Will you open this jar with your ax?"
"Sure!" 30 minutes later "ARAGORN!"
Aragorn came running in holding his sword. He started swinging it, & if Pippin didn't dunk, he wouldn't have his head for that much longer.
"WHERE ARE THEY, WHERE ARE THE ORKS?" Aragorn screamed.
"There's no orks" Gimli said trying not to get killed. "We need you to open this."
Then Aragorn made this speech about how kings don't work for the life of a low lifer, which included opening mayonnaise jars. Fortunally, Legolas knew what to do.
"Well kings don't fight orks either, which happens to be a job of a low lifer."
"Shutting up."
So Aragorn struggled with the jar for 20 minutes. He fell about ten times, he quit before he broke his back.
"GANDALF!"
Gandalf came in, wearing his boxers. Nothing more than his boxers. He had his staff, but no shirt & no pants, only his boxers. This put a very bad thought in Pippin's mind.
"Eew Gandalf, put some clothes on!" said Pippin covering his eyes.
"Who called me?" asked Gandalf in a very bad mood.
"I did." Said Aragorn very scared because he knew not to cross an angry wizard.
"Why?"
"Because we want you to open this."
"OH…ok."
Gandalf tried & tried. He even used his magic to make it obey him…and even did a cartwheel.
"Abracadabra!" Nothing happened.
"Hmm, this is serious; this calls for….Earth Girls!
And with the wave of his staff, two girls had appeared. One was a blondie, one was a brown head. The blondie saw Legolas & started screaming and chasing him around the kitchen.
"AHHHHHH!" Poor, pitiful, Legolas screamed
The brown head finally got a hold of her friend who kept screaming in a high pitched scream.
"Stupid blondie, stop tackling the poor guy.
"Must kiss cutie. Must do the absurd."
"You passed that stage a LONG time ago."
"Really, I thought I was quite normal!" (snickering & coughing heard in background)
When the two stopped arguing, they noticed the fellowship staring at them.
"Hi…um where are we?" Asked the brown head.
"You're in Middle Earth, erm could you open this?" Gandalf asked politely.
"Um…I guess." 20 minutes later "Sorry, but no we can't."
"I SHALL MEET YOU SOON MY DEAR, I PROMISE!"
"Ok well thanks." (send back to Earth)
"Next time," Legolas said "don't bring the blondie."
"Darn" said Pippin "I wanted to have some Mayonnaise."
Just then, Eowyn came in, grabbed the jar, popped the lid off, & then said to the gaping Fellowship…
"Go to sleep."