Covered in Rain
Written by: Ciuline Ihmenjo
CLAMP is the genius behind Card Captor Sakura. I do not own these characters, nor do I pretend to own them. My ideas and the stories that follow are my own follies.
Little words…
So, I suddenly found myself writing this. I don't know why. Then again, Covered in Rain has never come to me on a regular, updateable basis. I just know that when I get an idea for it, it POURS. I don't just write a little ditty, but the entire chapter just comes out all at once. So, without further ado, I present to you the next installment of my ever-awkward favorite romantic couple.
o()o Tropical Depression o()o
During some moments in the past, I found myself in a strange situation. I would be sitting in my room after another arranged marriage meeting or just a long day and find myself wishing you weren't so preoccupied with that stupid snow bunny. Even though you were hundreds of miles away, I just didn't want to admit something I never thought could exist. Just so long as I had that one little glimmer of wishful thinking, perhaps everything would be okay. At times, I hated myself for even wishing misfortune on another person. Other times, I wished you wouldn't find happiness, just I had not found it for myself.
I was confused at first. Why did I find myself attracted to you? I had Syaoran. He was enough for me and then some. I loved him for what he was… a pillar of strength. If he was there, I could weather even the fiercest storm. The only problem was that I had come to rely on that pillar. I think, after watching you, I realized you didn't have someone clinging to you – even if they did so unintentionally, as I did with Syaoran. You supported them from the background, enveloping them like an ocean. They did not have to rely on your abilities. They were still free to swim, but you were there to help them along. Your sister, that snow bunny, they were all present and supported in this ever-present buoyant force, but they remained somewhat unaware of exactly what you did for them.
It was when that selfish wish came true that I felt like I had done something terribly wrong. Had my prayers those many nights actually reached the gods? Had they heard out my selfish, childish desires and actually granted them?
Part of me wanted to crawl in a little hole and die when I got the time to think about what I had done. I know that it wasn't my fault. After all, what sort of benevolent maker would grant the wish of a little girl?
Apparently, not this one. And then he came.
Of course, at the time, I didn't know that you had suddenly been left on your own by the snow bunny. A lot of the time I was with him, I felt like it was some sort of karma. I had wished for something terrible. It had come true, but I didn't know that at the time. I figured that it might be my punishment to suffer for being so self-centered. You had seemed so happy. I had the gall to wish for that to go away.
Then, suddenly, it did. Most of me wanted to never have to see your face again. I couldn't bear having to explain that I had prayed those many nights for just a chance with you. I never wanted to have to face the nagging fear that stuck with me. If I had broken you up and this was my heaven-sent chance, what if I blew it? What if I screwed everything up? Even worse, what if you didn't accept me? I was dirty. I was broken. I didn't want you to see me like that because I was sure you would reject me on the spot. Of course, it was very hard to avoid any of that when I found myself knocking on your door.
Actually, I had expected to see Kinomoto. The other one – your sister – not you. So, when you opened the door and stood there with that silly look on your face, I couldn't help it. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug you, actually. I looked like hell. I felt like hell. My arm hurt. My ribs hurt. I hurt. And I wanted to just collapse in your arms. At the time, I thought that I'd feel safe. Now that I've actually been there, I almost wish I had the courage that night to collapse into your arms. I think you would have welcomed me.
I know that I'm this sort of strange entity. First, I showed up unwelcome. Second, I take over your floor. Third, I took over your bed. Fourth, I slowly began to inch my way into your life. Finally, I think I stole your heart.
And then there are those times where I steal your shower. Maybe that will have to wait for another time. You see, you have this very comfortable shower head. It's the perfect remedy for those long and stressful days where you just need boiling needles pounding the frustrations out of your back.
It doesn't help that all of the towels smell like you.
O o o o o O
"Neh," I found myself saying, "Touya, what do you think about when we sleep together?" I was snuggled up against you on the couch for a well-needed cuddle. It had been a long day. After a heated session with the school, my credits had finally transferred. I'd be starting classes at the beginning of the spring semester. I would be behind, but at least I would be. It was the chance I was looking for: the ability to put the past behind me and start over. Really, though, this was even better. I would be starting over again in familiar territory.
You swallowed, hard. "And what do you mean by that?" It was so cute the way you blushed. You fidgeted with a strand of my hair and finally put your chin atop my head.
"I mean exactly what I said," I replied.
"Well, it's not all rainbows and fireworks," you offered. I could feel my head vibrate every with every syllable that left your lips. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. Even after my groan and my half-hearted attempt to hit you, though, you remained silent. At least you stopped talking.
"It's not that difficult of a question!"
You picked me up easily and turned me around on your lap. "Then what if I asked you?"
"If you asked me what I thought about during sex?"
"Yes." I thought it was a simple enough question. You rolled your eyes and followed the motion with a heaving sigh.
"The sex isn't enough?" I said slyly. It was your turn to groan.
"That's dodging the question."
"But I already know the answer." You looked at me, more in disbelief than anything else. "I think that I could never be any safer than I am in that moment."
I think that I left you completely speechless. It wasn't the first time. For a moment, you sat there, working your mouth up and down. I couldn't take it and broke down into a fit of giggles. It, fortunately, snapped you out of your little fishy trance. "Th… that… that's really sappy for you." As soon as the words left your mouth, I slugged you with the closest pillow I could find. "It is," you said in your defense while ducking another pillow. "I'm just not used to you being sappy and such."
"I can be sappy," I pouted, dropping my fluffy weapon of choice. You smiled, something goofy, and poked me in the nose, letting your finger linger there. For a moment, I went cross-eyed. I adjusted myself and slinked back into my little indention in the couch. Actually, your arm was just a more comfortable location. I felt safe there, as if nothing in the world could touch me. Just being there, wrapped up in your arms, I was invincible. For a long time, we remained that way.
"You're being cuddly," you said finally with a tone that begged for the end of this discussion.
I nodded. "Cuddly is okay. At least you make for a good pillow." I curled more into the crook of your arm and shut my eyes.
"Now it's my turn."
"For?" I asked, looking up at you.
"Why me?" It was a response and a question all in its own.
I choked, audibly, before dissolving in a fit of coughing. It was two syllables, though, that felt like a shot point-blank to my ribs. I could even feel the bullet exiting my back. I took a sharp breath to fight the pain that accompanied those two words. When I looked up, I could see the concern in your eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"I… yes… no… I mean…" I wanted to look everywhere else. I couldn't meet your eyes. If I looked in your eyes right now, I wouldn't be able to stay here. I'd run, fleeing into the street all over again. Maybe this time, I wouldn't end up hurting you. It may hurt more than the words that rose into my throat despite my efforts to permanently swallow them.
"It's okay," you said softly. And my little blanket of security returned, if only ever so briefly. I still had to deal with the panic that threatened to launch my body out the nearest exit – irritatingly enough, a window. I still had to deal with the reply I never wanted to say. "I'm sorry if I did anything."
"It's not you," I began.
You quirked an eyebrow. "You know, that's usually reserved for situations where we're breaking up, right?"
"Please, not now." I looked pleadingly into your eyes. It was a mistake I realized all too late. Tears welled up in my eyes and everything broke in a single instant. You didn't say a word. Thank you for understanding. I felt two arms around me and the soothing brush of your lips on my forehead.
"I hated him," I said finally. I could feel myself trembling with my efforts to control the sobs that wracked my body. Maybe I was trembling from the sobs. I was trembling, that much was obvious, but I didn't care. I just felt weak. "I hated him for being the thing I could never be. I hated him for being the one you loved. I hated you for being happy with him, and I wished I could take his place. God, I prayed so many nights that you would just look this way. Maybe one night, you'd realize that I needed you so badly." You still remained silent, so I continued. "I felt horrible when I found out that you had split apart with him. It was like I had gone through those last few months of hell as reparation for some cardinal sin. I never wanted you to actually lose him. I never wanted it to end up like this."
You ran a hand sheepishly through your hair. "I don't mind this situation, though."
"I don't either, but I just never wanted it to have to be this way."
"You needed me, and I needed something. I selfishly decided that you would fill a void. When you reached out to me, I decided to be there to get you back on your feet." You smiled and your lips grazed my forehead against. "It was very selfish of me. I just told myself I'd never fall in love. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that silly promise to myself. At the time, it just felt right." That cute little flush returned to your cheeks for a moment. "It still feels right, even if it may not last forever, right now, it feels right."
I knew you were trying to comfort me, but your words seemed to have the opposite effect. I felt more tears coming. "But, I wished that you wouldn't be happy with him! I wanted you for myself." I sniffled and tried to hide myself further in your arm.
"How can you blame yourself for something out of your control?" You chuckled. Even though I couldn't hear you, I could feel your arms shaking for the briefest of moments. "I'd understand if you were my sister, maybe, but it's not like Yuki decided to pursue interests elsewhere because you willed it into existence. We still keep in touch, and he's quite happy in his situation. He wishes the best for me, as well."
"Even though you're with the one who wanted you to part ways with him?"
You contemplated my words for a moment. "Does it always have to rain in your world?"
"Neh?" My expression flashed confusion. It was more than enough to drive the remnants of panic from my brain. Now that my mind had a new interesting thing to which to cling, it no long cared that I was scared out of my wits. I was scared of rejection even after you had accepted me.
"Maybe I should add 'insecure' to your list of traits. I think it fits somewhere in between cuddly and stubborn." You paused, but I wasn't sure what to do. I could only try and hide myself further in the crook of your arm. Finally, you titled my head up. "It's a joke. You were supposed to laugh."
"I don't feel like laughing, silly." I sniffled again.
"I could always add silly to that list, too." You cracked a smile and plucked me from my little sanctuary in your arm. "You just need to remember, I didn't care those months ago when you showed up on my doorstep. I've put up with you – as you put it – since that time. I have no intention of letting you go."
"Really?"
"Really," you confirmed. "Now, I believe we were trying to cuddle. At least, you were. I do think it's possible to cuddle when you're the pillow."
"Yes, but you have arms. And they're perfect." I smiled and settled back down on the couch. After a few minutes of shifting, I found my head in your lap and your face over mine.
"Perfect for cuddling?"
I smiled, lifting my body to give you a quick kiss on the lips. "No, they're perfect for so many other reasons."
Your eyebrow arches again as you just shake your head, dissolving into those silent chuckles I've grown so familiar with. It's very common to wake up and look at you in the morning experiencing that same fit. Maybe it's just my timing.
"I have perfect arms?"
"Do I have to spell it out for you?" I attempted the most aggravated tone I could muster, but I think it only came across as mock-annoyance.
"No, really," you said, amusement creeping into your voice, "are they strong and muscular? Do they have supple curves? Would my arms stand a chance against Hercules?" Your voice cracked with the last few syllables. I found one of your hands pinning me into the couch. I was too far comfortable to take any effort to slug you. Besides, the pillows were out of reach. It's almost as if you planned for this to happen.
I sighed and shifted, trying to find a good position with your body rumbling from your repressed laughter. "Touya, don't ever change, okay?"
"What brought this on?" You peered down at me. I could see your face through half-lidded eyes. Instead of watching you any longer, I decided to shut my eyes. "No, really," you added, "this is so uncharacteristically like you."
I allowed my eyes to open for a moment and stared at you menacingly. "I don't feel like slugging you with a pillow and you're asking me to change that?"
"Touche," you said with a slight grin.
I shut my eyes once more and snuggled into you. "I just think that if anything ever changed, we'd find that we're really not in as perfect a situation as we figured."
"Even then, as stupid as we can be sometimes, I'm sure we'd figure out a way to thwart even fate itself. Besides, if we were in fact perfect for each other, I'd hate that. Perfect is far too overrated. We'd end up like my sister and that silly gaki of yours."
"Z'not a gaki," I muttered sleepily.
"Of course, he's not, but I'd still rather not end up like them."
"Touya, dear," I sighed, "if we ended up like them, we would no longer be ourselves."
You patted my head and ruffled my hair a little. "Yes, but they do at least have something. Maybe we could figure out exactly what that is." You paused and I almost opened my eyes to determine why. "And if we do, maybe we will have something."
"Like them?" I asked.
"Like them," you replied.
I smiled. Something sounds good. It's much better than nothing. It's far better than self-doubt and all the questions I had never found answers for. Maybe I never wanted to. Still, something sounded great so long as I knew you would be there with me.
To Finish…
I actually lost my rhythm here, for a bit. I got stuck on one word. I'm six pages into the bloody chapter and suddenly, all that creative energy just ground to a halt. Now, I know that seems silly, one word, right? Well, I just couldn't figure out the word, and it's like the front most car of a bullet train coming to an abrupt stop. Everything just kinda piled up behind it and went careening off the tracks. Poor train of thought, it never stood a chance.
Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this latest entry into my not-so-oft-updated story.
Ciuline Ihmenjo