Disclaimer: We are losers and own nary a character to be found…unless of course we make shit up (which sometimes we do) and in that case, we do own them.
A/N: This is a joint fic between Distempered and Sweet Audrina. Like it, don't like it, we hardly give a flying thestral. But reviews are sweet and always appreciated…and deep inside, we do care. We crave acceptance like emo kids crave Dashboard cds.
The Final Battle
It was a typical day in post-war Hogwarts; the entire population was settling down for the start of term feast. Harry Potter had shocked the world by defeating Voldemort at the end of his sixth year, and to everyone's…shock, Voldemort had reverted to his 17-year-old self. He was now wandering in with the rest of the first years, as he had been doomed to repeat his Hogwarts years from start to finish.
Harry and Ron Weasley were discussing Quidditch in voices almost too loud to be allowed, while Hermione Granger stared wistfully off into space…more specifically, into the general direction of the Head Table. To speak very plainly, she was staring at the Potions Master whose named we have learned is Severus Snape. Her reverie was interrupted by loud taunting of the entirety of Gryffindor House at 17-year-old Tom Riddle, who put up his hood defiantly and stared broodingly into his hands.
"They should be nicer to poor Tom. What did he ever do to them?" said Hermione, wonderingly.
All heads in the Great Hall turned to her simultaneously with varying degrees of incredulousness written on their features. Hermione simply shrugged and sat down to continue daydreaming about her professor.
Headmaster Dumbledore, noticing that the din had quieted considerably, took advantage of the moment to stand up and make a rather startling announcement.
"My dear students and faculty members, I have something to say that may shock and horrify you. Wait, wait, horrify is not the word I'm looking for. Ah yes, it may shock and delight you! I trust you all remember the Triwizard Tournament from a few years back. Well, now that the Dark menace has been taken care of," here he paused to look pointedly at Tom Riddle, who glared back for a moment before returning his stare to his hands, "I, and a few other notable instructors of fine institutions of learning (magical or otherwise) have concocted something similar, only with more schools and less life-threatening situations!"
The crowd began to murmur in anticipation. What sort of scheme had their beloved Headmaster cooked up for them? Most had expected a relatively quiet year, being that a war had just been fought and many people had died, but apparently that was not to be. Harry Potter stood up to express his outrage.
"Headmaster, I think I speak for everyone in this hall when I say that nobody wants to get involved in another of your crazy schemes. The last one, if you'll recall, nearly killed most of us several times over, and I'm pretty sure that everyone needs a bit of a break, sir."
"On the contrary, Harry, I think we should hear the Headmaster out before we go dumping on his crazy scheme," Ron said, having developed a sense of self-esteem and confidence during his stint in the army.
"Yes Harry, let's hear what Dumbledore has to say," Hermione agreed, never tearing her glance away from Snape. Snape was still quite oblivious to her attentions.
Dumbledore continued, "Hogwarts, in the coming weeks and months, will be playing host to a world-wide battle of the bands!"
Eyes goggled, mouths dropped open, and dumbfounded stares from the students and faculty greeted the end of that statement. Dumbledore smiled. This was exactly what he expected from everyone. Then, he went on to finish explaining before the food appeared on everyone's plates.
"Over the course of the next six months, studies will be all but abandoned in an effort to create bonds with those outside our world. You will be rooming with these people, you will be forming friendships with these people, you will be rocking out with these people. I want you to treat this like an education experience…actually I don't. Okay, now we can eat."
Dumbledore sat down to tuck into his spotted dick with a twinkle in his eyes. Beside him, the gruff Potions Master was contemplating how the Headmaster could have read his mind, besides the fact that the man was an accomplished Legilimens, and how his plans could be falling so spectacularly into place. There was a rock star buried within those billowing black robes, and it was just itching to come out.
Snape knew that girls liked rock stars, that girls chucked their panties at rock stars, and that Hermione Granger was a girl. And therefore, if he was to succeed in winning Miss Granger's fair hand, he would have to become a rock star.
Being a fairly dark person in nature, Severus was instantly attracted to the decadence of goth rock, although he would never admit it to any living soul. The nights when he could slip into his obscenely tight leather pants and undulate around his room to the sounds of Marilyn Manson were the high points of his life…that and wanking to the thought of Hermione Granger of course. It really was too bad that he didn't seem to notice that she reciprocated his feelings. But all would be changed when he was finally able to express his feelings through song.
The students turned to their meals, though not too many of them were interested in eating at the moment. Most were content to look at each other and wonder if any of them had any talent, who exactly would be infiltrating their school…and just what a battle of the bands was.
"Harry, you and Ron are in my band," Hermione stated matter-of-factly.
The two friends exchanged glances with each other, and Harry said, "Hermione, are you insane?"
"Not insane, Harry, just eager to show the world that Hermione Granger is more than a know-it-all, bookworm swot. She is a know-it-all, bookworm, swot, ROCKSTAR!" Hermione gathered up her various texts, despite the fact that it was the first meal of term and she had no reason to be carrying texts around as school was going to be interrupted anyway, and walked out of the Great Hall, unaware that cavernous eyes were following her every move.
Harry and Ron exchanged another baffled look. "Do you even play any instruments, mate?" Ron asked Harry, hoping that he didn't. Ron, in fact, did play an instrument - the drums specifically - and was hoping for something besides Wizard's Chess that he could one-up Harry on.
"No, I don't. Between being abused as a child, growing up as a human weapon, and defeating the most evil wizard since 1945, I haven't particularly had time for hobbies," Harry answered.
Ron gave an inward cheer but affected a sympathetic look. "Well, we have, as Dumbledore said, six months in which to prepare, so I'm sure you can learn how to play the guitar by then."
"Well, I guess if you think so Ron." Harry smiled at his best mate, and then turned back to his dinner.
On the other side of the hall, Draco Malfoy turned his gray eyes on the various members of his House and grinned in satisfaction. His mates returned the grin as they all knew about Draco's not-so-secret ambition to be a pop star in a boy band. It appeared that his chance had come.
"Oy, Draco, can I be in your boy band?" asked Crabbe, stuffing a dinner roll into his oversized mouth. Draco's lip curled in obvious distaste; Crabbe was too ugly to even be the "ugly one" in a boy band, while Goyle was just a tubby bitch and therefore didn't qualify. Draco also had serious doubts about their talents in general.
"No, you cannot be in my boy band. I am just going to have to wait to see who joins us at school. I'm sure there will be at least four other decent looking blokes with talents as considerable as mine."
Draco was nudged in the side by the boy sitting next to him. "No, Blaise, you can't be in the band either, as I'm not entirely sure what you look like."
Draco had been quite serious about his aspirations for some time. If he could pinpoint a time, it would probably be when he was around thirteen years old, and was on a journey to find himself. This journey took him to a small Muggle neighborhood in an undisclosed location of the world, where he was taking an idyllic stroll on a beautifully warm spring day. He passed a group of Muggle children, sitting on their front steps with a large black box at their feet. This black box emitted a different, yet altogether pleasant sound. Something about having the right stuff…
Draco was in love. His lover was a little music genre called pop. Its king was the boy band. Draco yearned to be its prince.
The various murmurings of the students and teachers had begun to die down a bit, as most were now eating instead of talking, when the doorway to the Great Hall swung open and streams of people began to pour in. People of all shapes and sizes, some beasts, and a walking clock - all came in the room and headed toward the Head table. The murmurings began in full force again.
The students and teachers from other schools had arrived.
2nd A/N: Yes, this is ridiculously alternate universe. But, it's fine. Thanks for sticking around this long (if you have). Reviews!