The Duel to End All Duels.
A Piss-Take of The Entire Concept of Yu-gi-oh Duelling.
A/N: This idea came after re-reading SpookyChild's brilliant humour story in which he takes the piss out of Ryou/Bakura abuse fics. It cracked me up, it really did. Anyway, I was watching an episode of Yu-gi-oh the other day (I'm not watching it regularly at the moment, as on ITV they're in the middle of the Noa season, which is arguably the worst thirty or so episodes there are. I'm counting down the episodes until Yami Malik appears again, against Jounouchi, Yami and Kaiba. I need to see a half-decent bad guy. Noa makes me so irritated.) and I thought yet again how bad 99 of Yu-gi-oh duels are. How repetitive. How predictable. And so I decided to write a little one of my own. It features Yami against Bakura, with a few moments from the Battle City duel tossed in, but completely stirred up and made my own. I hope you all enjoy it.
…………
It was an averagely sunny day. The birds were twittering a harmless but incredibly repetitive and instantly dislikeable song, and there was no pleasant rustling of leaves in the wind due to the fact that all the trees had fallen down in a random hurricane the previous day.
Yami Yugi was suffering from extreme depression brought on by duelling-withdrawal symptoms. Unfortunately, there was no foreseeable way to alleviate this; no one in Tokyo would agree to duel him due to the irritating habit he had of always winning. Undeterred, Yami had been phoning up everyone he knew and begging them in an interestingly and increasingly hysterical tone if they would duel him, pleeeeeease.
"Come on, Anzu. We never duel each other."
"But…"
"It would be a fantastic way to demonstrate what a great friend you are. You can even give me a friendship speech at the end, and I promise I won't roll my eyes."
It was tempting. But... "Oh gosh Yami, if you had, like, asked me any other time…My dance lessons begin in, like, ten minutes…"
Suspiciously: "I thought you gave up dancing because it was a girls-only club."
"Well yes, but…um…" Anzu seized a piece of tissue and rubbed it against the speaker. "Yami, I can't hear you! The connection's breaking up!"
"It sounds fine at my end-"
"I can't hear you! There's too much crackling! Yaaa-" Anzu drew out the last syllable, letting it fade, then replaced the handset. "God, I feel guilty. Oh well."
Yami sighed and hung up. "Stupid mortal technology." He ran his finger down a list of phone numbers, and dialled.
"Moshi-moshi?"
"Ryou!" the Puzzle-spirit greeted enthusiastically. "How are you?"
"Erm, okay," Ryou answered cautiously. Why is he sounding so overly happy? He must be delirious or something.
"That's great!" Yami trilled. "Can I possibly speak to the Tomb Robber?"
"Uh…" The light raised an eyebrow questioningly at Bakura, who looked horrified. "I'm not sure. I…" He scrunched up his eyes and tried to see what his yami was gesturing. "I think he's…ill? Yeah. With…leg ache? (Aside) Yup, that sounds plausible. (To Yami) He…he's broken his leg. Yes, and it aches. And it hurts. Lots."
"Ow," Bakura said helpfully into the phone.
"Did you hear that? He's in a lot of pain." To Bakura: "Come on, you can do better than that."
His yami took a deep breath. "Oh my Ra, the pain! The pain!"
Ryou gave him a thumbs-up.
Yami sighed. "Yeah, yeah. I know you're faking."
"What?" Bakura exclaimed. "I was very realistic, thank you very much! And like you could do any better anyway!" He stopped. "Shit." Then: "Was I realistic?"
"Very," Ryou said soothingly.
Yami snorted. "Sure."
"Right, that's it. You're going down, Pharaoh!" Bakura seized the phone and started trying to throttle it.
"You could just duel me," Yami suggested hopefully.
"Don't be stupid. Why should I duel you? Besides, you can't lose, remember?"
"Yes, but I'll go easy on you this time. Anyway, what happened to 'I'm going to defeat you and take over the world?'"
Bakura shrugged. "It got old. Also, someone else can do it. I don't see why I should put myself out when no one ever thanks me." He handed the phone back over to his hikari.
Damn, he has a point.
Yami thought for a moment. "Okay then. Ryou, fancy a duel?""Uh…"
"What the hell?" Bakura snatched the phone back. "No one challenges my hikari to a duel and gets away with it! There's only one way to settle this, Pharaoh, and that-"
"Would be with a duel?"
"…Damn, I'm getting predictable already. Okay then. See you in ten minutes."
…………
Yami strapped his Duel Disk onto his arm and cleared his throat. "It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-Aibou, the synthesiser is broken!"
Yugi peeped out from behind a bush. "Sorry."
"What the hell are you doing over there? You're being threatened and I'm saving you, remember? Isn't that what is supposed to happen when I duel a bad guy?"
Bakura coughed. "I would appreciate it if you treated me with a bit more respect. I may be trying to take over the world but that's no reason to be rude."
"Sorry. Now come on and make your 'I'm going to take over the world speech.'"
The Ring-spirit's eyes went misty. "I haven't said that in so long." He cleared his throat. "You cannot win, Yugi! I will defeat you and your pathetic God Card and take over the world! Your friends cannot save you now! Hahahaha!"
Yugi frowned. "I swear it was longer last time."
Bakura glared at him. "Like you could do any better."
"Are you supposed to call me Yugi? I'm sure you know me well enough to work out who you are talking to." Yami folded his arms and tried to look annoyed.
"Look, that's how it's meant to happen, okay?"
"Do you have to be so mean about my friends? They can't help being cheerleader-substitutes," Yugi squeaked from behind his aibou.
"Y-a-m-i! You can do it if you try!" Anzu, Honda and Jounouchi appeared and started waving pom-poms in the air.
Bakura blanched. "Dear Ra."
"Will you hurry up and finish the speech already?" Yami said impatiently. "This Duel Disk is getting heavy."
Bakura sighed, and said monotonously, "There is no hope, Pharaoh. I will defeat you and your pathetic God Card, and take over the world. I know your friends will try their hardest to encourage you etc., but it will be to no avail. Hahaha."
"Take over the world," Yugi repeated in a horrified whisper. "Aibou, how can he say such things? You won't let him do that, will you, aibou, will you, will you?"
Yami put a hand on his shoulder and said in a deep voice, "Do not be afraid, Yugi. He is a difficult opponent, but together we will win."
His light smiled and kissed his cheek. "I love it when you say things like that."
Bakura yawned and examined his nails. "Brave talk, Yugi. I mean Yami. I mean Pharaoh. But even with the two of you working together you cannot hope to defeat me. I will surely crush you."
Yugi looked heartbroken.
"Don't listen to him, Yuug!" Jounouchi called from the sidelines. "You can do it!"
"Love ya, Joey!" Yugi called back.
Eveyone stared.
"…What?"
"You used his dubbed name?" Bakura questioned. "What kind of person does that? This is the original, you midget idiot. Japanese at all times."
"Don't worry Yugi! You have the power of friends on your side! We'll always be here for you!" Anzu shouted.
"I summon Dark Magician, and place one card face down," Yami said loudly.
"Ra, I love original beginnings." Bakura glanced at his cards. "Eeeny, mineey…okay, summon Headless Knight."
Yami laughed confidently. "Haha. Your Headless Knight is far too weak to destroy my Dark Magician."
"Not so fast. I'll use this – Conviently Appearing Magic Card – to boost my Knight's attack power so that it is powerful enough to defeat your Dark Magician, even though magic cards can only boost attack points up to 500 more, because the unwritten rules of Yu-gi-oh duelling state that the opponent always gets the upper-hand on their first go."
"No! My Dark Magician! Now I am vulnerable to a direct attack!"
Yugi scratched his head. "Why do you want to tell him that?"
"We have to keep the audience informed at all times," his yami explained.
"Oh."
Yami met his opponent's eyes. "What else do the rules state? I want to do this properly."
"Well, firstly you have to be overawed by my magnificent strategy and terrifying cards. I take a few of your life-points – not many, but enough to get your friends worried about the possibility that you might lose. That's when the first cries of encouragement start. Then at some point you start pulling back, and I make a random remark about how useless friends are. You have to look indignant, and give a speech on the values of friendship. Or Anzu can say it instead, and you can nod your head and look serious."
Yami frowned. "I'm not sure if I can remember all that."
"Don't worry. I'll help you."
"Thanks."
…………
It was six hours later, and they were almost finished. Lifepoints stood at Yami: 200 and Bakura: 4000, and the tension would have been high if it weren't for the fact that it was seven o'clock at night and everyone was getting hungry.
"Look, Yami, I appreciate this means a lot to you, but could we at least stop for supper?"
"Don't be foolish. I'm nearly finished."
"You don't how right you are, Pharaoh." Bakura set a card down. "Summon Maneater Bug. And I'll use Polymerisation on it with my other three monsters, giving it more than enough attack power to wipe out the rest of your life points. Attack!"
Looks like it's time to put my strategy into action.
Yami signalled to Anzu, who gasped, "Oh my God, what is that?" She pointed at the sky, and Yami took advantage of everyone's attention being diverted to sneak a card from his deck."I didn't see anything," Bakura said suspiciously. "Pharaoh, you aren't doing that thing again where you pretend to see something weird just so you can grab another card from your deck, are you?"
Yami put on his best shocked face. "Of course not. No one values fair play more than I do. And to prove it, I'll play this card: Cheating For All! It allows me to destroy any monster on the field. Guess which one I'll choose?"
"Not so fast. I'll use this card: Cheating Never Pays, You Stupid Pharaoh, which will counter any magic card you use! Haha!"
"Ah, now you have activated my trap card!"
Bakura staggered back in horror. "A trap! No!"
"Yes! And it is: I'll Cheat If I Want, Damn You, and that will let me revive a monster just sent to the Graveyard!"
The Ring-spirit smiled in satisfaction. "My monster never went to the Graveyard, Pharaoh. It was 'removed.' There's a difference. Therefore, your trap card is rendered useless, and I am free to attack!"
Yami gasped. "But I can't survive another attack!"
"You should have thought of that earlier." Bakura smirked, and yelled, "Attack!"
As the smoke cleared away, everyone saw that Yami had 10 lifepoints left.
"What the…you couldn't possible have survived that attack! My monster had 1000000000 attack points!"
Yami smiled annoyingly and folded his arms.
"No matter. I'll defeat you on my next go. There is not a single card in your deck which will allow you to defeat my monster."
Yugi clutched his dark's arm. "Aibou, he's right. What are we going to do?"
Yami smiled, and looked towards Anzu, Jounouchi and Honda. "Well folks, what are we going to do?"
"Trust in the Heart of the Cards!" they chorused.
"Eleven out of ten." He drew. "Wow, fancy that. Slifer the Sky Dragon."
"Radammit!" Bakura yelled.
"Ha. I love it when I start winning." Yami sacrificed all his monsters to summon the God Card, and watched with glee as the scowl on Bakura's face became larger and larger.
The spirit stared at his cards. There had to be something he could do, surely. Ah ha.
"Wait a moment, Pharaoh."
Yami obligingly stopped what he was doing.
Bakura snapped his fingers and Ryou appeared on the ground, clutching his arm.
"Why the hell did you have to poke me with a knife like that? It bloody hurt!"
His yami ignored him. "If you attack with Slifer then I don't think my poor little host will survive. And that would be a pity, wouldn't it?"
Yami thought. "Well, not really. I would still win. OW! Aibou, that hurt! I mean, please don't do anything to Ryou, Tomb Robber. It wouldn't be very nice."
Bakura smiled evilly. "He might die. Burnt to a crisp. Then you would have his death on your conscience."
Yugi clapped his hand to his mouth. "Aibou, what can we do? We musn't let Ryou get hurt. He…might die." He started crying.
Yami put an arm around him. Angrily, he snapped at Bakura: "Why did you have to put it like that? Don't you know it's his first time in a PG story?"
The Ring-spirit looked at the ground in shame. "I'm sorry." To Yugi: "Okay, he'll survive. But he might get a bit hurt."
Yugi smiled and hugged his yami. "That's better. Thank you, Ryou's evil dark half."
"Anytime."
"So you are forcing me to choose between losing the duel and Ryou getting hurt?"
"Yup. No, wait, what am I thinking? I like my hikari. I couldn't possibly put him in such danger. Come over and have a hug, Ryou."
Ryou got up. "Thank God. I thought I would have to lie there forever."
"As if I would ever do that to you." Bakura smiled fondly at him.
"But what about his wound?" Yugi asked.
Ryou and Bakura both laughed. "It's fake blood, duh," Ryou scoffed. He put some in his mouth. "Mmm. Ketchup."
"But what about the duel?" Yami asked.
Bakura shrugged. "How about we say you win? It was getting boring anyway."
"Wohoo! I win again!" Yami punched the air in triumph.
Yugi smiled lovingly at him. "My hero."
…………
A/N: My Ra, that has got to be the fastest amount of time I have ever written a humour story in. Two and a half hours for a complete story, with no breaks? Wow.
Hope it turned out okay. It ended up a bit longer than I first thought it would. Also, I wanted something fairly short and quick to read, which wasn't really what I ended up with. Oh well. I'm still on a high from the fact that I managed to write for two and a half hours. My back is killing me, though. Maybe I'll type on a table in future, instead of on a bed. :S