From This Day Forward
As she stood in front of her father's grave, Rini did not feel as though her legs would collapse from under her, nor was she worried about the smearing of her freshly applied mascara by the onset of tears. Of course she missed him, loved him, and had cried when he passed on just one month ago in her arms, but the finale was too much of a relief. She had shed too many tears on his behalf while he was alive. Now was a time to rest, for both of them. She had cradled his head to her breast in those last few moments, much as a mother does to soothe her children when they have been injured.
"It'll be all right," she had said for him, for her.
"Your mother..." he replied. A distant smile touched his cracked lips, and Rini held her breath for his next sentence, his final confession. But none came. He touched her face and she gasped as she felt the warm tips freeze on her skin before they slid down her cheek. Then he was gone.
Was he with her now, her mother, his wife? She supposed so; but then he had never really left her.
Mr. Holden had left careful instructions as to the placement of his grave. "I need to be close enough so that she can grasp my hand and lead me to the other side, or close enough that I can grasp hers, if I'm the first to go." This was one such direction. Rini had not spoiled her father's vision with the facts, not that facts had ever swayed him in the past.
Despite her father's fervent loyalty to her mother – actually, she saw now, it was because of that loyalty – Rini had wanted for nothing. She was the proof, the evidence of their love. She was her father's treasure, his "favorite daughter." When she was a child this assessment had left Rini convinced that her father had other, illegitimate daughters, since how could she be his favorite when she was his only? His "littlest one," he called her.
Rini could feel the watery buildup behind her eyes finally begin. She willed herself not to cry, reminding herself that she had children of her own who expected an excited and smudge-free mother at their soccer game that day.
It was much easier for her to think of her parents' relationship with each other than of hers with either of them, so she did. They had shared a storybook romance; every romance in the book as far as Rini was concerned, since she had been told all of the classics through her parents' eyes. Mr. and Mrs. Holden always starred as his majesty and her highness.
Rini's eyes had widened at the story of sleeping beauty, unable to comprehend a century of sleep, much less a love that lasted throughout that time. "Mommy slept for ONE HUNDRED YEARS?" she had asked in awe, envisioning the story as it was woven for her: her father in a suit of armor, battling the fire-breathing dragon to find her mother and kiss her, wakening her from a deep, cursed sleep. He had chuckled lightly, squeezing her mother's hand and then Rini's. "You bet, Princess. And when I woke her up she was even more beautiful than ever."
Rini had wrinkled her nose at that. "And you waited for her all that time?" Mr. Holden's eyes held his wife's as he said, "I would wait a century and longer for your mother."
Rini inhaled sharply, the crisp fall wind cutting into her lungs. Blotting the corners of her eyes with her finger tips, she took a deeper, slower breath to collect herself. She tossed her car keys lightly in the air and dropped her bouquet of lilies on the joint graves of her parents. After a brief, respectful pause, she headed back to her car.
"No more of this, Dad," she thought, with a liberating step outside the boundaries of the graveyard. "No more waiting, no more pretending. I'm leaving you here.…"
Once in the car, Rini gave one last glance out the window to the two lone graves and the connecting flowers between them. One lily lay almost on top of the other, like lifeless hands unable to join, but unable to separate.
"You can finally stay here; not that you ever left."
"Dad? DAD!" Rini, Darien Holden's daughter, demanded his attention, unaware that she had it completely, that she was the reason for his distraction, as always. He looked up at her and smiled, lifting one hand to coax a few of her renegade blonde locks back behind her veil.
"You're an angel," he told her matter-of-factly, as if this was common knowledge.
Rini sighed and rolled her eyes. "Dad, really, do I look okay? Like, really okay?"
Darien shook his head. "You could never just be 'okay'," he said, his eyes roaming in wonder over her features. She was an angel, a glorious angel all in white. What else would angels wear?
Rini sat her hands on her hips, a gesture that normally disgruntled her father, but today it only added to the perfect picture that was his daughter. "DAD. BE SERIOUS. How do I... you know! How do I I look I ?" At the blank blinking of her father's eyes, Rini threw her hands up in frustration. "AH! I just wish M— " She halted her words as her father instantly cut off her sentence with his reply.
"You wish Mom were here?" he asked breathing a sigh of relief. "I'll be GLAD to get her, she's way better at these things than me."
Rini reached out to halt him, opened her mouth to tell him that it was HIM she really wanted there. She just wanted him to stay with her for more than ten minutes. It was her wedding, after all, and she wanted to spend her last few moments of childhood with her father. A moment alone with just the two of them, this ultra rare event; was it too much to ask for?
But her father exited, and Rini fell back into the dressing room couch, careful not to muss her hair or her dress. But just as she had relaxed, her father wandered back in and she was on her feet in an instant.
Darien scratched his head in bewilderment and shrugged at his daughter. "Couldn't find her, she must have already gone in."
Rini smiled and exhaled at this, glad that he had not brought her mother in at that moment. For now Rini's luck, or her father's better consciousness, had decided that it was to be just the two of them.
"I'll miss you, Daddy," Rini almost whispered, crossing to his side of the room and framing his face with her smooth, white, gloved hands.
He gave her a lopsided grin and grasped her hands in his, kissing her finger tips and then her head in the possessive manner of a father. "I've been missing you since the day you told me you were leaving, and I'll miss you for a million years after, my princess."
Rini smiled brilliantly, and wrapping her arms around her father she allowed a few rebel tears to fall to the floor. "Don't be sad, Daddy. You know that I love you so much. You know that I'll love you forever."
Darien kissed his daughter's hair and gripped her tightly, taking full advantage of her rare outburst of affection. "Don't worry, munchkin, I won't be lonely. I'll miss you terribly, terribly, awfuly bad, but I'll still have your mother to keep me company, and I know you'll come and visit at least once a day, right? Maybe once an hour!" He pulled away enough to wink at her and she smiled playfully back at him, though he noticed that some of the radiant joy he had seen in her just moments before was now fading from her smile. Darien was left wondering yet again why it was that his daughter felt the need to pull away from him as she did.
Rini heard her cue of "Here Comes the Bride," and tenderly kissed her father's cheek before retreating completely from his embrace. Taking the arm he offered her, she looked into his eyes one last time with love, reverence, and pity. He was completely unaware of the wedge he had put between them over the last twenty years. He had no idea how it pulled at her heartstrings to see him with her mother, unknowingly flaunting his connection with her, his ability to be with her. Daughter could only look on from the side lines as parents shared a connection she could never have with them. Finally, with one last glance at her past, Rini stepped out onto the white paved church aisle and faced her future. She had had her moment alone with her father, but it had fled as quickly as it had come.
Darien tried to focus on the name in front of him, unsure of its connection to him. It obviously held some importance, for if it did not his vision would not be blurred, and his face would not be drenched with the salty excretion of his eyes.
Even as he knelt there crying, his body felt alien to him, as if detached. Numb fingers traced the engraved letters on the marker in front of him. Images flashed before his eyes and another sob wracked his body. Why was this piece of rock affecting him so? This cold hard stone held no life, no warmth, and no information. It was just a name, a sentence, and two dates. Surely there was more to that story than this. Surely this rock was placed here to commemorate more than two lines and two four-digit numbers. Darien gripped his head in frustration, in anger, in grief, but over what? He still could not comprehend.
"Dad?" A soft hand touched his shoulder and he jumped, belatedly registering his title. He quickly rubbed his face in an attempt to hide any sign of strong emotion from his teenage treasure.
"Hey, Rini, I didn't see you there," he excused his behavior.
Rini smiled softly and squatted down next to him. Darien smiled endearingly when she checked her green graduation gown and shoes to make sure they had not been affected by the mud. Sure that no damage had been done, Rini turned her attention back to her father, and placed a hand on his shoulder, half for comfort and half to steady herself. She ducked her head down to better see and read his eyes. Had he finally taken her words to heart?
"I'm sorry for yelling, Daddy," she apologized guiltily. When he did not respond, Rini was not offended but recognized it as his usual silent acceptance of her apology. She scooted forward so that she was crouching closer to him, assured that they were again on good terms. She looked to the rounded stone in front of her, careful not to encroach on the six feet of grass that separated her from the marker.
Rini cautiously inspected her father's face as he too gazed at the stone, checking for a reaction, any reaction. She could see that he had been crying, sobbing even. But strangely enough he seemed somehow unaffected by this, like a man oblivious to the fact that his head had been busted open and that there was now blood gushing out of it.
"I wish she was here... Dad," Rini said carefully, slowly, unsure how he would take her words. Receiving no reaction, positive or negative, Rini continued. "I wish she could see me walk onto the stage, see me accept my diploma."
He turned to her then, suddenly, with the stroke of an epiphany. "She still can!" he exclaimed, his eyes lighting.
Rini raised hopeful eyebrows at him, praying that this was the sign she was looking for. "What do you mean, Dad?" she asked again, carefully.
Darien rose triumphantly and pulled her up with him, rubbing her back affectionately as she brushed off her gown. "Dad?" she repeated, gaining confidence by the second. "What do you mean?"
He grinned and reached in his pocket. Pulling out his cellular phone, he suspended it in front of her eyes by the antenna. "Your mother," he started seriously, but became unable to contain his grin. "Your mother just called me from the road!" He snatched the phone back into his grip and shoved it into his pocket before squeezing his daughter's shoulders excitedly. "She'll be there just in time for the ceremony, Munchkin! Isn't that great?"
But Rini's face hardly reflected the joy he had hoped it would. Rather, it had fallen at the mention of her mother's phone call, and had only deepened into a frown at the mention of her anticipated arrival.
Much to Darien Holden's horror, Rini started to cry. She left him in his baffled state and retreated back to her car.
Darien ran after her and grabbed her arm, only to be roughly shaken off and pushed backwards. Rini got into her car and slammed the door, but her father grabbed onto the windowsill and pushed his upper body inside the car. "What the HELL, Rini? What the HELL is your problem!" he shouted at her, initiating their second fight that day. "What the HELL do you have against your mother! Were you just saying you wanted her there to HUMOR me? What the HELL did she ever do to YOU!" Darien gripped her arm tightly but she jerked it out of his grip.
"NOTHING! SHE HASN'T DONE A FUCKING THING! THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM ! IT'S YOU! YOU'RE MY FUCKING PROBLEM, DAD!" Rini screamed back at her father, throwing all notion of respect to the wind as the anger- powered adrenaline pumped through her veins and pounded in her head.
"YOUNG LADY! I suggest you watch your wording VERY carefully beca—""You know what, Dad? Why don't YOU, for once, huh? Why don't you just shove it! WHY DON'T YOU JUST DROP DEAD? I bet you'd LIKE it better THERE ANYWAY!" Rini was sobbing now as she shoved the key in the ignition and blasted her radio, causing her father to grab his ears in surprise and back away from the car. Once he was fully out of the vehicle Rini revved her engine and sped down the gravel-paved road, her car shaking the entire way.
Darien could only scream in frustration as he watched the purple Saturn zoom down the rickety road and disappear onto the highway. Getting into his own car, Darien slammed the door and honked the horn several times in frustration before whipping out his cell phone and speed-dialing the only person who could help him now.
"Serena, thank God you left your phone on. Rini just cursed me out and left. She just fucking left!" Darien was sobbing now too, and he clutched the phone to his ear as a tear-streaked child would clutch a stuffed bear. "God, I just need you so much, Baby. I need you so much. I miss you so much..."
He stood about a yard behind the crowd, clenching and unclenching his hands in tandem with his mind as it grasped and released the reality of his situation. He watched as if through another's eyes the rigid, cold form of the box which was the reason for this gathering. The onyx-clad crowd was composed of faces he knew, and just as many he didn't, all there to pay their last respects to the woman encased in that accursed box. To him it seemed as though he were any other man in the world and the woman inside the casket were any other woman but his wife. But it was not so. His mind was able to grip this thought, finally. When he balled his fists again at his sides, still victim to their almost spastic movements, his left hand closed around a softer and significantly smaller one.
He sharply turned his eyes to the owner of the hand that was now clasped within his. Confused and innocent blue eyes, so much like his own, stared back at him. The corners of his lips advanced upward, and his cheeks tucked in a little, but his daughter could not recognize it as the smile he meant this to be. He scooped the little girl up in his arms and buried his face in her soft blonde locks for comfort. She looked like a fallen angel in her little black dress, the color so out of place on her.
"Don't cry, Daddy," she told her father, instinctively uncomfortable with the role reversal. "Can we see mommy today?" she asked innocently, hoping that the prospect of seeing her mother would cheer him up.
Darien choked on his tears at the question and sank to the ground holding onto his little girl like a lifesaver. He felt bodies swarm around him, though they were all nameless, faceless. He could hardly pick out one voice from the din, though Rini's plea of 'please don't cry, Daddy' remained clear and constant. Finally the firm voice of his sister, Mina, reached his ears, and he felt strong arms, probably Serena's brother's, wrapping around his to help him up. Mina's voice came to him from behind, offering to hold Rini while he went up, but Darien's only reaction to this was to tighten his grip on her.
"Please don't cry, Daddy," she repeated, in an earnest effort to calm her distressed parent, her beloved horse, her bedtime story, her knight in shining armor.
Darien could see the coffin getting closer but was not aware of the movement of his feet. He could hear the whispers around him, could make out every word.
"He's lost it."
"Can you blame him?"
"Poor child."
"It was inoperable..."
"She was so beautiful."
He was standing over her now, and she was beautiful. She looked so different from the way she had in her last moments of life. She had hair again, and her lips were full and colored, pouting even.
Rini tugged at her father's arm. "Is Mommy sleeping?"
Darien stayed frozen and answered lifelessly. "Yeah, Munchkin, Mommy's sleeping."
"Like the Princess Serena?" Rini prodded further. "Can you wake her up, Daddy?"
If he kissed her would she wake? Open those beautiful blue eyes and laugh in surprise? My birthday? I can't believe you, Darien! I mean really, a COFFIN? Am I really that old? What are you implying, you lout! Mina! Put the camera away and hand me my little girl... He laughed a little despite himself. How well he could imagine her. Perhaps if he could keep on imagining?
Come on, dear. This is so depressing. Didn't we promise Rini a day in the park? Let's get out of these shrouds and into something decent! I'm all for overalls myself...
Darien was smiling now. Overalls, cotton candy, Ferris wheels, that's where he would rather be. They'd all go after this ridiculous ceremony. Rini would get such a kick out of the pony rides. She loved pony rides.
"Wake her up, Daddy! I wanna go home!" Rini giggled, convinced now that this was a game. Daddy would play prince, slay the cancer dragon, wake up Mommy and they could all live happily ever after.
"Come on, Darien, it's time to say good-bye, they've got to close the casket now." Mina placed a soothing hand on her brother's back, trying to ease the pain somehow, rub it out of him.
Darien mumbled his acknowledgement and rested Rini in her Aunt's arms before approaching the casket one last time.
He bent over his princess, his armor glistening in the sun. His sword had been cleaned from its recent slaying and was now sheathed. His future queen looked as beautiful as ever, her skin warm to the touch, and her cheeks flushed as if in anticipation of the kiss she was about to receive. Brushing her lips with his own, Darien ignored the chill of her stone-cold body and replaced the feeling with a memory of her warmth. "You'll live, my love," he whispered to her. "You'll live on through me. You'll watch our daughter grow and marry. You don't have to be scared. I won't leave you. You'll be with me, Darling; you'll be with me from this day forward until the day I rest in the Earth beside you."
The casket closed with a slam of finality and was slowly lowered into the ground. Sobs were heard from all around as realization struck the crowd that the woman within the oblong of wood was to never be seen again. But amidst the grief, one soul was content as he watched the ceremony through detached eyes. Once the casket was completely out of sight, Darien Holden turned from it, scooped up his daughter, clasped his wife's hand and headed for the family van. Once inside, he smiled at the empty seat beside him and turned around to his daughter. "So, Rini, how does the county fair sound to you?"
"You mean the one with PONIES and stuff!" Rini exclaimed excitedly from the back seat, and Darien felt the pride of his decision wash over him.
See Serena prodded with a loving smile. I told you she'd like it.