Title: Not Goodbye

Summary: What goes through Chas's mind in the Hydrotherapy room as he lies dying, with Constantine powerless to prevent it. Mild slash. m/m

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own Constantine or Hellblazer, they both belong to people with a hell of a lot more money than me, so don't sue.

Warnings: This contains mild slash. That means men loving men. Don't like, don't read, don't come whining to me.

Not Goodbye.

Chas Kraymer

I'm fading now, John. It will be okay though. It'll be okay. I wish you wouldn't look at me that way right now though, because it's hard enough to talk as it is, and I have something to say. You don't know how much I want to soothe away your pain John. How it's all I've ever really wanted to do. Because I love you, John. Now I might just be seeing you in Hell for that. But John, I'd walk through Hell to see you again. I'm dying, and it's hard to focus on you now, but your eyes are locked on mine, anchoring my soul to my body for a few minutes longer. Your gaze holds such love, such warmth and adoration from a man who would appear so cold and arrogant at first meeting, and that softness in your stare touches my heart so deeply that I can almost feel my body again. In that instant I know that it doesn't matter that my mouth is too full of blood to speak, the words I wanted to say aren't important, because you already know.

It is a battle to breathe against the awful wet mush inside my chest, but your eyes are begging me not to go, not to leave you like everyone else has done. My grasp on Life is slipping from me, and every minute I've spent of my time with you runs through my head in the space of a few milliseconds – it's as though a veil has been lifted; all the stolen glances I never noticed, gentle smiles I didn't realise were just for me. You love me too, John. My heartbeat is slow and lethargic; I've got so little time left.

My eyes brim with tears, glassy and prickling and hot. It just isn't fair. I crave the happiness we could have shared, if only you'd given me a sign of encouragement. Let me know I wasn't alone. But it will be okay. I think… I think I've faded now John. I can't feel your cool hands covering mine nor can I see your comforting, dark chocolate irises. I'll wait for you here John, wait for you to come, because there isn't a Heaven for me while you're still suffering. A flutter of panic seizes my chest as I realise I might be waiting for you for an Eternity, but I promise you John, I'll find you. I'll always find you Constantine.