3. Unprotected
Eight days after his conversation with the Headmaster, Remus found himself in front of Severus' office once more. He knocked sharply, a smile tugging at his lips at the thought of his beloved one – for he loved the Potions master, that he was sure by now.
"If you have not been poisoned and are in dire need of an antidote only I can provide, I suggest you leave immediately if you value your life," greeted Severus' voice friendly as ever through the still closed oak door.
Remus sighed, opening the door and entering with a small nod. "It's me."
"Oh, it's just you, Lupin," muttered Severus, proceeding to focus his concentration on the cauldron set upon his desk. "Come in already and close the door. I don't need any more unwanted spectators..." He measured three drops of some dark crimson liquid into the cauldron that caused the concoction to erupt in bubbles. This seemed to be the required reaction because Severus' face didn't show any kind of worry.
"How is it going, Severus?" Remus asked interestedly, passing behind the Potions master to look over his shoulder into the cauldron. He brushed the other man's arm gently before he settled on the desk's edge, tilting his head sideways.
Severus squared his shoulders with a jerk, not looking up from the chopping board where he was currently cutting some squishy looking ingredient for the further use in the potion. "I'll cure you of that ridiculous notion. You cannot touch me," he growled, his lips thinning, "while I'm brewing an important potion."
"But I can touch you after you've finished?" Remus smiled mischievously.
Severus remained silent, adding the cut pieces of what looked like some kind of slug to the cauldron.
Remus frowned. "Is that the last potion I have to test?" In the last week he had tested four different concoctions, one viler than the next. Nothing had had the desired effect Severus had said. Remus couldn't tell, there hadn't been a full moon in the last week, but obviously Severus could somehow tell when the lycanthrope had been healed and when not.
"Yes," said Severus, his voice sounding strained. "Now would you kindly remove yourself from my personal space?"
"You didn't complain yesterday." The day before Remus had been allowed – he still couldn't believe it – to help Severus brew a potion.
"Then you obviously haven't listened closely enough."
Remus shrugged, hopping from the desk and plopping down into the armchair opposite from Severus. He smiled, watching how the dark-haired man held the wooden spoon, stirring the potion with practised motions, while basking in memories how Severus had managed to stir his emotions.
Remus was ripped from his reminiscing when Severus snapped at him to pay attention. "What? Oh, sorry, what did you-?"
"I told you to meditate or do whatever you think you have to do before you take the potion," the Potions master snarled impatiently. "I hadn't expected you to have an even shorter attention span than those dunderheads... Or aren't you interested anymore?" His hand jerked in the direction of the cauldron. "It's not as if I wanted to brew it in the first place..."
"No, sorry, you're right," Remus said hastily, "I shouldn't have let my mind wander."
"You don't have to confirm that I'm right, but it's reassuring to know we are of the same opinion," said Severus dryly. He spelled the fire out and ladled a few spoonfuls of potion into a goblet. The concoction emitted some puffs of smoke as Severus put the goblet down to cool off enough to be drunken without risk of a burnt tongue.
"Are you sure this is it?" Remus repeated. He couldn't see how this potion was any different from the last ones. "What ingredient did you alter?"
"The most efficient one."
"Now, that's the answer I wanted to hear," Remus muttered sarcastically.
"It's not as if you could understand what I'd be telling you," snapped Severus, throwing the ladle down carelessly. "So don't try to talk to me about potions! You haven't the slightest idea what those fine, simmering-" he stopped, turning abruptly to pick up the fallen ladle.
"Severus?" started Remus cautiously, rising to his feet. "Are you-"
"Yes," the Slytherin Head of House interrupted sharply, "I am all right. Please, refrain from asking trivial questions you are not entitled to hear the answers to!" He drew in a quick breath and turned back to the werewolf. "The potion is ready."
Remus took the proffered goblet with a slight frown. "You are not all right," he dared to object quietly. "And I want you to know that you can talk to me."
Severus didn't answer. Something he had been doing a lot lately.
"All right," Remus sighed. "But I'll not suddenly stop caring just because-"
"Drink already, will you?" snapped Severus. "I still have classes to prepare, papers to correct, you know? The sooner you're out of here, the better!"
Remus rolled his eyes, preparing himself for the foul taste, and then he poured the potion into his mouth, swallowing quickly, trying to forego his taste nubs. It didn't work nearly as well as he would have liked to imagine. Remus almost retched at the taste, not knowing with what he could compare it. The thick concoction travelled down his throat at an extremely unhurried pace, coating it with a flavour he never wanted to experience again. It reminded him faintly of nutmeg, way too much nutmeg, scrubbing down his dry throat.
"Slowly," said Severus with a tense voice, "breathe slowly through your nose!"
Remus heeded the advice mindlessly, though it didn't help the taste. The sick feeling in his stomach, however, quickly dissipated. Cautiously opening his eyes again, Remus sat down in the armchair again, leaning back to stop the spinning of his head. "That was by far the foulest tast-"
"Yes, yes," interrupted Severus quickly, his eyes holding a strange gleam. "Did it work?"
"I didn't turn into a werewolf," said Remus with a look, "but I guess that's to be expected as it is not full moon tonight."
"Can't you stay serious for at least a small expanse of time!"
"I do try, but how should I tell whether it worked?"
Severus sighed in annoyance, seemingly realising the truth of the statement. "How are you feeling?"
"Apart from the still imminent desire to be sick?" At Severus' impatient glare Remus went on quickly, "I don't feel any different than the other times I tasted one of your potions."
Severus' eyes flickered to the empty goblet in his hands. "Hand me the goblet," he said quietly.
Remus held out his hand as the Potions master went around the desk. "Here you are," he said. "You should really start to season your potions. Once you try your own unpleasant tasting concoctions, you'll know why everybody complains constantly."
"More to the right," said Severus, keeping his eyes fixed on the empty goblet.
"Huh?" Remus' gaze flickered downwards, realising that his hand pointed in the wrong direction. Rolling his eyes - really, as if Severus couldn't have picked up the goblet anyways -, Remus thrust it into Severus' waiting hand to the right.
"Thank you." His normally silky voice was husky as he gripped the chalice with both his hands, putting it down carefully.
"Are you feeling better now?" Remus asked carefully. "I know you probably won't be willing to tell me why you were-" He sighed, running a hand through his light brown hair. "I wanted to talk to you, anyways, about what's been happening between us..."
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Severus. "Maybe you're suffering from some kind of... hallucinations?" He sneered cruelly. "Something happening between us? Really." He snorted. "If it hadn't been me brewing the potion, I'd be led to believe that it was flawed."
"I'm talking about the kiss," said Remus boldly. "I didn't imagine that, did I?"
"What kiss?" drawled Severus. "Oh, you are talking about the time you forced yourself on me? Was it at least satisfying for you?"
Remus flushed. "I didn't want to force- I just wanted-"
"Do you believe that's an excuse?" the dark-haired man asked snidely. "You didn't want to but you did, anyway?"
"No!" exclaimed Remus, coming to his feet. "That wasn't my intention and you know it! And you did react to my advances! I could feel your heart racing, so don't try and deny it!"
"Desire is not the only human emotion to speed up one's heart beat."
"And this last week? Weren't you flirting back – well almost? Wasn't that happening between us?" How could he warp the reality just the way he wanted to see it? Remus couldn't follow him sometimes.
"The only things happening between us are accidents or attempted murders," Severus said coldly. "Anything else would have been frowned upon by Black, eh?"
Remus sighed. "You know I wasn't in on this stupid prank," he said evenly. "And Sirius is dead and will remain so. I don't know what his exact intent had been back then, but it shouldn't be important any longer, in any case. The now is important. And I want-"
"This isn't about you, you self-centred Gryffindor fool," spat Severus. "Don't you see it?"
Remus sighed again. This would be taking a lot more time than he had anticipated. "It's about you, then?" he asked. "About you asking Albus to brew this potion for me? About you fearing that I would end-up like those werewolves that are dying these days? About you telling me that Albus forced you to do it? What exactly is it about?"
The corners of Severus' mouth curled upwards. "Dumbledore told you, then? Most predictable, isn't he?"
"What are you on about?" Remus frowned.
Severus didn't listen. "Told you that I wanted to help you, didn't he? Even though I explicitly asked him not to. Told you that I needed the recognition, did he?"
"Yes, he-" Remus couldn't follow Severus anymore.
"And he was right, in one point at least," the Potions master smirked. "I do need the recognition; I want the satisfaction of you knowing it was me..."
If the butterflies would have still been in Remus' belly, they wouldn't have fluttered their wings, but gnawed at his insides. Suddenly, the dungeon room seemed more sinister than before, cool air of an unknown origin wafting through Remus' hair, and Severus' whispered words chilled him to the core.
"Severus, you-" Remus stopped short before he could add an embarrassing 'frighten me.' Gryffindors were the brave ones, after all.
"I know, Remus, I know." The Slytherin crossed his arms beneath his heavy robes. "And even you were right with one thing: I am an excellent Legilimens; reading your mind was indeed a simple task."
Remus shivered, though not due to the fact that Severus had said his given name. "When you've read my mind, then you know that-"
"I only took what I needed to know," Severus interrupted haughtily. "Do you really think I'd stay for even one instant longer than absolutely necessary in your animal mind? You don't really know me, do you?"
"I seriously doubt it at the moment," said Remus. He didn't like the route this conversation was taking in the least. He had wanted to use the time to convince Severus to give him a chance but from the looks of it, it didn't seem like he was going to have success.
Severus chuckled. "Do you know what you all had in common? You, Dumbledore, the Dark Lord? You all thought you knew me like no one else. Well, you were wrong."
"But you helped our cause," said Remus faintly. "Voldemort was-"
"-a fool because he believed he owned me," interrupted Severus with a smirk. "He was a skilled Legilimens but he couldn't read anything I wasn't willing to let him see."
"But Albus-"
"Dumbledore," snorted Severus. "Was he able to destroy the Dark Lord? No. He needed a small boy to do his job. Why do you think he was a greater Legilimens, then?"
"Let me help you!" exclaimed Remus suddenly. "I'm sure I can- Even if I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about and why you are telling me all this!"
Severus uncrossed his arms, reaching for a quill that lay on his desk. He studied it closely, twirling it around between his fingers. "I don't believe you will be of any help. You never were. You are as useless as Black was the year he finally died."
"Why can't you let him rest in peace? Yes, he tortured you while he was alive, but you did your fair part, as well."
"Rest in peace," repeated Severus. "They're all dead, aren't they? Your friends, my acquaintances." He brushed the tip of the quill against his lower lip.
"I don't-" Remus choked, pressing a hand to his suddenly racing heart. "I-"
"Didn't I tell you it wasn't about you?" The words slowly seeped through to the werewolf's mind. His breathing was erratic and he stumbled backwards, collapsing back into the armchair.
Colours swam before his eyes, peculiar shapes morphing into objects too fast for his brain to process properly. The armrests beneath his sweaty palms felt entirely too warm all of a sudden. Maybe it was only his imagination.
'What's – going – on?' Remus' mind screamed groggily. He couldn't come up with a suitable answer.
This was different than any other potion testing, different than anything else Remus had ever experienced. And he wasn't sure whether that was good.
And suddenly, Remus knew. The nutmeg, the steaming cauldron, the enigmatic words, the hallucinations. He couldn't believe it. How could he have been so wrong?
His fingers clawed into the armchair, his blood boiling, but Remus was afraid to loosen his grip. He was stronger than the common human, so he had to learn to control his physical power at a very young age. The brown-haired man – the one who wasn't sure anymore whether he was still a werewolf or not – blinked against the garish colour vertigo before it suddenly dissipated into a slower twirling.
Severus came into his view.
Remus' shallow breathing hitched.
He had believed to be in love with someone who was willing to end his life just like that.
Remus realised something else, something essential: Whether the potion had worked, whether the potion's purpose had been to cure him – nothing mattered anymore.
He wasn't the Monster Severus had always claimed to abhor, never had been. He was as human as one could get.
Severus was the Monster.
The last thing Remus' now foggy mind registered was how Severus threw the goblet back down onto the table. He closed his eyes and welcomed the engulfing darkness that rescued him from the excruciating pain breathing caused him.
End-
A/N: drusillasrain suggested I keep Snape sure of himself until the very end of the story. She said it appeared that he was sick, maybe even suffering from an physical attack (when he was throwing down the ladle). I didn't follow her advice, though, because I decided to let it appear to be a physiological problem. I enjoy dark fics, but only if they're more or less OOC grin
About the poison: Almond is too well-known. If I had written that Remus tasted almond, everyone would have immediately known it's acid. I debated whether I should let it taste like cherries (as the cores include prussic acid, as well), but then again, acid works too quickly. If you swallow enough, you're dead within seconds. Nutmeg is, when you eat too much (I believe five pieces can kill a child), toxic. You're getting hallucinations (like Remus), you're dizzy and sweaty.
It's unsure whether or not Snape killed Dumbledore.
If there were to be a Sequel, Lupin would survive.
It's unsure whether Snape actually drank something of the potion as he stroked his lower lip with the 'quill'.
The dying werewolves: A reviewer of the German version asked whether Snape really did brew these potions for the dark werewolves in Voldemort's army. I didn't even intend to let readers believe this – this wasn't what happened. The werewolves didn't get any potions back then; the transformation isn't dangerous. And the werewolves that are dying these days had only been Snape's test objects for the poison – and, of course, a convenient reason for everyone to believe Snape had good intentions.