Road to Hell

Chapter One: Of Siamese and Water Balloons

It was a quiet day in the Jellicle Junkyard. Kittens were playing, old cats were cuddling and young cats were sunbathing. It was a very good day for relaxing, particularly if you had a gorgeous silver tabby to sunbathe with and the whole roof of the old Ford to lie on. Demeter and Munkustrap were almost asleep when Bombalurina stormed by like a crimson tornado.

"Oh, that Tugger!" she fumed. "He thinks he's SO sexy! Soooo cool! Mr. I-can-get-any-queen-I-want! I'm surprised he can walk around with that swollen head of his!"

Bombalurina's rant startled Munkustrap and Demeter out of their doze. Munkustrap looked at Demeter as if to say, "What is this about?" but Demeter shrugged.

"She seemed all right at home."

Both of them crept to the edge of the Ford and watched Bombalurina's tirade. She had gone from insulting the Rum Tum Tugger to insulting his family. After five minutes of hearing about the intelligence (or lack thereof), deformities and probable sexual habits of his forebears, Demeter felt that it was time to step in.

"…SON OF A SYPHILITIC PEKINGESE!"

"Careful now, Bombi. Half the Yard is family to the Tugger."

Bombalurina jumped three feet into the air and came down with her back arched and her tail bristled. She looked around, wild-eyed for the source of the voices. She didn't look long. There was Demeter, sprawled out on the old Ford, chin resting on her paws and looking highly enetertained. Munkustrap was beside Demeter, propped on one elbow, also looking amused.

"Demi, I could've had a heart attack! Is that what you want, A DEAD SISTER?"

Bombalurina sat down and began to groom herself, more out of nerves than a need to be clean. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jemima and Mistoffelees come into the Junkyard, probably looking for the screamer.

"On the bright side, if the Tugger was anywhere in London, he probably heard most of that," Munkustrap went on, "But I'm sure that Old Deuteronomy isn't overly fond of being called a syphilitic Peke. Besides, I'm his son too. What does that make me?"

"Mr. Wonderful," Demeter said, nuzzling under his chin. The moment would have been perfect if not for the gagging noises Bombalurina felt she had to make.

"Puh-lease! I've been humiliated and all you two can think about is making out? Don't interrupt me again! The Tugger is full of--"

"Himself?"

"SHUT UP, DEMI!"

Demeter, used to the fiery temper of her sister, asked, "What was it this time?"

"We were walking in the park and he asked me to get some ice cream. When I came back, he was all OVER some trashy, cross-eyed Siamese!"

"Not Cassandra?"

"OF COURSE, not Cassandra! Can't you hear Alonzo and her in that box? I'm pretty sure they're not playing Scrabble."

Demeter blushed.

"Then he had the nerve to say he was only hugging her because she was his cousin and back in town for two weeks, and then he told me to apologize!"

"Apologize? For what?"

"Gave her a good right hook to the jaw. Huh! Cousins! I hope he'll be VERY happy having cross-eyed brats crawling under his feet!"

"Oh, Talim is back in town? I'll have to drop by and say hi."

"Munkustrap, if you don't have anything to contribute to this convers--" Bombalurina stopped, mouth opening and closing several times. She tried to speak, but only produced a squeaking noise. Finally, she managed,

"You know this 'cousin' of his?"

"Oh yes. Talim used to live near here, but then her humans moved to Surrey. Er, go on. The Rum Tum Tugger eats what for breakfast?" He said this quickly, because Bombalurina was swelling to twice her normal size.

"You mean she really is—And he wasn't—DAMMITALL, now I have to apologize! I hate you Munkustrap!"

"What did I do?"

He was saved from a verbal evisceration by the entrance of the Rum Tum Tugger. He looked around the Junkyard, then spotted Bombalurina and sauntered up to her.

"I've been looking for you, Bombi."

"Couldn't you hear her?" Demeter snickered. Bombalurina hissed at her.

"I wanted to let you know that I explained it to Talim . She's OK, now."

"Good. I wouldn't want any of those perfect little teeth to fall out."

"I just told her that you ahd a huge crush on me and you were probably in heat, so when you saw--"

"You WHAT!"

Munkustrap jumped down form the Ford and grabbed Bombalurina's arm to prevent her doing injury to the Rum Tum Tugger. Mistoffelees ran over and helped.

"Yeah, you should probably apologize to her."

"Why you—I should—Of all the—GET OFF!"

She might have gone on in this vein for quite some time, but a water balloon hit her squarely in the face.

"Who did THAT!"

A second water balloon landed on the Rum Tum Tugger. He sputtered, "What was that for!"

"Sorry 'bout that. Teazer's got bad aim."

"Jerrie! Oi saw you, that was YOUR ballon what 'it the Tugger!

"Yeah, but you hit Bombi when you was aiming at Misty!"

He heaved his last water balloon at Mistoffelees, who ducked and said,

"Listen, if you two insist on abbreviating my name, you could call me Misto. Misty is a girl's na--" Rumpelteazer's last balloon hit him smack in the chest. Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer gave each other high fives, while Mistoffelees sighed and conjured a towel from mid-air.

"Noice shot, Teaze."

"Not really. That time Oi was aiming at Bombi.'

"Why were you two trying to soak me in the first place?" Mistoffelees asked, rubbing his head with the towel.

"We wanted to see if you'd lose your powers if you got wet."

"Obviously I don't, because I'm not a CARTOON CHARACTER!" He produced two more towels for Bombalurina and the Rum Tum Tugger.

"Well, we 'ad to try. Teazer, Oi'll race ya to the tree!"

"Bring it on!"

They got about five feet from the group when Mungojerrie tackled Rumpelteazer and they had a kitten fight.

"Ya can't outrun me, so you won' let me run? That's cheatin', that is!"

Rumpelteazer wriggled out of his grasp, smacked him upside the head and took off running. Despite herself, Bombalurina giggled and tried to turn it into a cough. She caught the Rum Tum Tugger's eye and the mirth vanished. She glared at him.

"I'm not apologizing till you apologize!"

"Well, the same goes for me!"

They began a staring contest. They were nose-to-nose, almost growling. The other cats wandered off, sensing that the two of them would have to work this out on their own.

Off in the distance, Bombalurina heard, "ten minutes! Our best time yet!" This from Mungojerrie. Bombalurina fought a grin.

Jemima ran up to them, covered in mud from head to tail tip.

"Hey guys, I just found a really good mud puddle. Wanna come play?"

"Not. Now."

"But maybe later?"

"Yes."

"Goody!" She ran up behind Victoria and gave her a bear hug. "RAH! I AM THE MUD MONSTER! FEAR ME!" She then did a very passable Macavity laugh.

The corners of the Rum Tum Tugger's mouth twitched. Finally he said, "We're both too stubborn to give in. Let's settle this the way humans do."

"Duel to the death?"

"No, you twit, a--"

"Mad gunfire? All die?"

"No! A bet. We both say we'll try to do something and first one to succeed wins. The loser has to apologize."

"What's our bet going to be?"

"I'm thinking. Get outta my face."

"Thinking, wow. Doesn't that hurt your head?"

"Shaddap."

He looked around, apparently lost in thought—isn't that unfamiliar territory for him? Bombalurina thought, and chuckled—and saw Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer coming back in the Junkyard. Mungojerrie sprawled out by the oven and Rumpelteazer sat beside him and began to groom his head. Bombalurina then said, without thinking,

"Don't they look cute together? I bet they become mates within the next month."

"THAT'S IT!" She jumped.

"What's what?"

"I bet you I can get the two of them together before then!"

"Not if I beat you to it. You're on! but the loser not only has to apologize, they have to…"

"What? What!"

"The loser has to kiss the winner for five whole minutes!"

"You want me that bad, huh? Let's shake on it."

They shook hands, then went away to plot. Both were thinking, There's no way I can lose this.

From his perch behind the rusty bicycle, Mistoffelees had heard it all. He snickered. Those two couldn't even Figure out their own relationship, let alone someone else's. He felt sorry for Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer, though. Bombalurina and the Rum Tum Tugger could end up hurting them through this stupid "bet".

"Now, this could be a problem."

Mistoffelees went out into the sunlight to dry off and think of how to warn the Terrors of Victoria Grove they were being plotted against.