Oh, Akima is what I've dubbed the library girl. I watched Titan A.E. too many times. Sorry :(

I'm always going to remember this day. The look on Akima's face, her lower lip stuck out steadily, so sure of the reasons behind what she'd done. The tension in the Garden, the almost absolute silence in a place that was normally so loud. You're the newest and latest scandal, you know. Everyone's talking about you.

"Seifer, maybe you can do something."

I've never seen you like this. Tears drying on your face and a look of pure misery in your eyes. I've never seen you sad. Mad – I see you when you're angry all the time. But you haven't cried since we were little kids. I think I teased it all out of you.

"Seifer…"

You were so certain you'd done something wrong. Like it was your fault.

"I just…"

You didn't even get that you were the one that had been hurt, that it was the others who had wronged you, not the other way around. You shouldn't have been so hurt, so sad. You should have been fucking angry. That usually wasn't such a problem for you. Flying off the handle, I mean. But you've never been a really stable person emotionally… Made you easy to manipulate. Too easy, I guess. I guess we all hurt you more than we'd ever thought.

"I shouldn't feel this way damn it!"

You had called them your friends. You had told them something you thought you could trust them with and in return, they had shared your secret with the world. Made that measure of trust something dirty and perverted. I know what it's like to be sold out. To be offered up as the fatted calf, to be sacrificed so others can survive. So they can feel better about themselves.

"I'm sick, I'm so sick."

But it wasn't you. It was never you. It wasn't your fault.

"I don't fucking get it. Why can't I be fucking normal?"

A lot of the world doesn't think you're normal. That's their problem. By themselves, humans are wonderful, beautiful things. But on the whole, they're pains in the asses. Ignorant about things that are different from the majority. We of all people know that, right? Being SeeD… being a mercenary makes other people treat us different, without ever even knowing us. So you think everyone around here would understand what it's like to be different. But they don't care. They've made you their freak among freaks.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Just because you aren't mainstream doesn't mean you're a freak. Doesn't make you wrong. Don't you get it? How many times will I have to tell you before you understand?

"Zell…"

"I just wish I could take it all fucking back. Make it all go away."

"Don't say that."

"Why not? What's so great about… about this? About being like this?"

"About being gay." I was never one to mince words, now was I?

You wince. "I said not to say that."

"Why? That's what you are."

"No, I'm not! I'm not, I can't be… I… I…"

More tears come, washing away the dusty trails the other ones had left on your cheeks. It does... well, it twists my insides all up, in ways I'm not really proud of.

"Why'd I fucking tell her? Why'd she tell all of them? And… even if she did, what were they all so mad over? I just… I couldn't be with Akima anymore, and I thought she deserved to know why."

You always did try to play the good guy. You're too... I don't know, idealistic sometimes. And people call Squall the hero. Not everyone is on the same level as you Zell. It should be that way, but well, lots of things 'should be'.

"Guess… guess I shouldn't have said, huh?"

All you wanted was to confide in someone. I know. It's hard to keep secrets. It's so hard. You don't want to tell at first, but it eats away and eats away and eats until you'd give everything up just so you could tell. So you told. There's nothing wrong with that. It's natural. It should have been painless. But pain is all you're feeling right now.

"I hate them. I hate them!"

"I don't blame you, Chic - Zell." Can't blame you for much of anything. You'd never hate anyone without reason.

You laugh a little, just a little, but it's a small, watery sigh that goes straight to my heart. Cuts right through any defenses I've put up. Cuts right through.

"I know you don't." You laugh again. "You know, Seifer, you're too good sometimes, too damned nice for your own good, no matter what they think."

You were one of the first to accept me when I came back. And I won't say we're friends now, because I don't think I deserve that, but we work together without killing each other and that's all Quistis and the others ask for. I tease you, but there's no venom behind it, and there's no real feeling behind your reactions anymore. It's just that: teasing.

"I just know you wouldn't do that."

"Sure." You tip your head to the side, and slide closer towards me on the bed. "You really think that? That I wouldn't have watched you? Around Garden, in the training center? On missions? That I never imagined you while I was jacking off in my bed? In the shower? You really think I'm that good a person?" Your face contorts. "Think again, Seifer. Think the fuck again."

If only you knew.

"Stop talking like that!"

"Don't want to hear it? Can't say I blame you." Your voice is bitter but there's no spirit behind it. You're trying to drive me away, and that's the one place I won't go. You think this will make me leave?

"Zell… Chickie…"

"Don't call me that."

Even your protests are halfhearted. That says something is wrong. Really wrong. Most times I avoid the hero role as if it were the plague, but right now… I wish I knew what to say to take away the pain. To take away the sting of Akima's betrayal, the faint disgust in people's eyes, the smirks and the cold shoulders that weren't there before. Some people are still on your side you know. All the ones who really matter.

"Just go away, Seifer. You don't do pity any better than the Quistis."

"What makes you think this is pity?"

You lash out. I'm the only one here, why not at me? We've always fought and in a way this is no different than any other time.

"Goddamn it! Just go the fuck away! Why do you care? Why are you still best friends with the gay guy?"

You lunge at me, pushing me up against the wall, eyes flashing and temper flaring as violently as I've ever seen. And believe me, I know your temper. Know what sets you off and what doesn't. But you've got your finger on the trigger right now and even I don't know where to step or what to really say.

"Zell…"

"You think I want to be like this? You think I wanted to fall in love with you? You think…"

You trail off, a look of horror upon your face. Another mistake to add to today's list. You sink back onto the bed, pressing the heels of you gloves into your forehead. I know that you didn't mean to say that, but you did.

"Shit."

Zell…

I can't say what I mean. I can't. It comes out twisted whenever I try. That's why my teasing is so cruel. Why whenever I try to say something that's really important, it comes out garbled and meaningless. Foolish and stupid. It just won't let itself be said. I can bark out orders at you – and I have – but I can't tell you that… I like you. I like you too. I can't say that I've waited years to hear those words, that it doesn't matter what the others will think of you and me, and from now on it is going to be you and me. Together. I want to say that forever is a pretty long time, but if you can stand me for that long it's yours. If I could say the things I want to say, I'd say Akima's a bitch. I'd say she never deserved you. That you don't deserve any of this. That they're being bastards, all of them. I don't understand them. You're so beautiful Zell, so special. How come they can't see that? I can see it. How come they can't? How come they don't love you the way I do?

You're staring at me again. Strangely. Like when you first learned I was with the Sorceress. Like I'd done something simply too out of this world to even comprehend. I guess some of what I was thinking must have come out, and I really can't blame at you for looking at me like I've been possessed all over again. Sudden declarations of love aren't really my style, right?

But it doesn't make it any less true. And for some equally strange reason, you seem to understand. You must have been able to make some sense of my mangled words because your lips are on mine. And – sweet Hyne, Zell. I couldn't even begin to imagine this. Not that I haven't tried. I've imagined it so many times. The feel of you moving underneath my hands… You always seem like a ball of energy that wants to be everywhere at once, like it's a conscious effort to even remain in one place. I feel your heartbeat pounding through your arms and I remember what you said a minute ago, about watching and wanting. Did you really think you were the only one around here that watched? That wanted?

"Seifer..."

And the little voice – the admittedly very little voice that calls itself my conscience is protesting feebly. I shouldn't be taking advantage of you right now. Not when you're so upset. Even mean bastards like me have standards. Those standards, however, are quickly being overshadowed by a year of wanting and not having. But then there's the voice of reason, which are calmly saying that there are people down the hall and that the door is only shut, not locked. Damn it. The voice of reason and my conscience have banded together. Guilt. Fuck. Stupid little pinprickings of guilt.

I pull away from you with a small sigh. Hyne. That look is so heartbreaking. Goddamn it, Zell, stop staring at me like I just ran over your puppy!

"Don't you... don't you want this?"

"Yeah. Of course I do!" That makes you feel a little bit better at least. "I just... I can't right now."

"Why?"

Why do you still have to look so unhappy?

I reach down to ruffle your hair. You're too upset to even bat an eye. "Because you just broke up with Akima. Because you just spent the last hour crying your eyes out. Because Selphie is standing outside the door." A muffled squeak confirms my suspicions. You laugh as you hear her scamper away, and this time it's a real laugh.

"I... okay." You snuggle up against me and bury your face in my shoulder. "Tomorrow, 'kay?"

"Yeah. Sure. Tomorrow."

I have defiled all that is FF8.