Can't say it's my first time writing romance...but it is my first serious yaoi fanfic. Have mercy on this poor soul and plese do not kill me if the characters seem OOC.

Psycological strain is enough to change a person, this is my guess of what would happen to someone with such a strong superego (sense of morals) as Tomonori. Please forgive if it's a bit off.

Flames however are welcome. Tell me I stink. I'll laugh about it,I really will.

(part1)

Tomonori stormed out of the house feeling oddly hurt, confused and a bit angry, though his face didn't show it. 'why would he say something like that?' But Tomonori couldn't find any reason for Tsukasa to not have meant what he said. Tomonori shook his head irritably. They couldn't...he was too old, Tsukasa was too young...EVERYTHING was too...odd. Tomonori gritted his teeth behind thinned lips.

Even though he did feel that way...somewhat. He did have... SOME interests in Tsukasa. Even if he kept them secret from him. Even if his actions wouldn't have given it away...truthfully...he was confused too. He didn't know what he felt. Not exactly at any rate...not quite attraction...but a bit beyond mere fondness... "ugh." he muttered distastefully. Just thinking about it was enough to tie his mind into knots...Tsukasa was...Tsukasa, there was nothing more he could say or think or do about it. Especially when it came to his wishes...

He sighed. He knew he wasn't good enough, that EVERYTHING was wrong with it, with BOTH of them and these...feelings, he carefully controlled his expression, keeping it blank-though for who's sake he knew not. Tsukasa was lonely. He reasoned behind this mask. And he was around him more than any other person, so likely, that was why the boy had done such a thing...why he felt-why he THOUGHT he felt...that...

Tomonori frowned, forcibly cutting off his stream of thoughts about what Tsukasa had told him. He didn't even like to CONSIDER those words... He projected an image of his own face in his mind. Was there anything really nice at all about his form? Any other reason for Tsukasa to think that way? Ordinary asian features, ordinary black japanese hair. Pale as ivory...nothing really outstanding came to his mind, bad eyesight, strict and reserved...far too distant, right? There was no way Tsukasa would be drawn to such...distance, would he? Tomonori internally sighed, completing his mental picture. All that uniformity, that reclusive part of himself, and even some flat out non-social-ness...all of his deficiencies...There was no way, there was just no way, compared to... He swallowed hard, a new picture filling his mind.

His plainess opposing Tsukasa's exotic pale blonde hair, trembly smile, large glass-like eyes filled to the brim with innocent hopeful brightness, despite the sudden moods of sadness that occasionally overtook him, the soft golden glow to his skin that seemed to make him shimmer in dim light... not even counting his beautiful personality, his shy laughter, awkward smile-making his whole face shine with joy, his gentle nature... Tomonori felt his heart sink in his chest. He couldn't do this to him...he couldn't have done anything to merit this suspective attraction, this sort of...attention, from Tsukasa!

'Is this a sort of test? Was Tsukasa testing something?' But...those eyes...

Ah, yes, those eyes...Tomonori inadverantly let out a sigh, the image imprinted upon his mind...

The memory came back unbearably strong. He stopped walking, pressing his back against a tree, the chilly air of the dusk turning his breath into smoke. He removed his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose. He had simply been cooking a meal when He had felt those small arms encircle his waist, raising the hairs on his neck...His breathing slowed as the memory came back, as freshly as though it was happening anew.

His motions froze, he jerked, stiffening. Who was holding him like that? Who WOULD possibly hold him like that? He glanced behind him to see a wisp of blond. He kept his face blank, not allowing the surprise to register, thinking nothing of it. He forced his voice to remain even "Tsukasa? oh. You startled me." Then those eyes had looked up at him, capturing his effortlessly. No matter how much Tomonori wanted to struggle, no matter how much he wanted to avert his gaze, he couldn't look away from those eyes. More compelling than any mindbreaker's, making his skin suddenly constrictive.

He had to look away! And was unable to...he was unable not to...so confused by those beautiful hypnotic eyes. He was always confused, always worried, wondering if some day his mask would slip and Tsukasa would read what he felt about those eyes, read in his own what he felt...what he saw in those eyes, oh those captivating eyes... The cut glass shade of gray, like a gently cracked and age spotted dusty mirror from the back of somone's attic. The one you knew was the most valuable even though it was cracked nearly to unusability, dark molten silver like mercury mixed with the faintest touch of rich green, a pale wash of brown over it. An indescribable shade. the light reflecting his own eyes back in the younger boy's even from that distance in a yet more mirrorlike fashion. He could see his own alarm in that reflection. He quickly hid it, it would not do to be afraid without reason, especially in front of those eyes.Tsukasa's pale gold lashes-like the gold filigree framework around the dual precious mirrors-fringed his almost impossibly large eyes, softening them further. Such beautiful eyes, changing colors with his moods, with his joy, with his frustration, with his tears, always different lovely shades of hazel. More brown or more green or more gray. He had always admired them... The bottomless black pupils were wide as they gazed at him, in perfect contrast with the hazel, mirror-like irises, gazing for a moment, as though they could gaze into his very soul...perhaps that was what made him feel so confused...he couldn't see so much could he? It seemed as though he KNEW everything just from the way he could look at him so deeply. As though he could see through that mask. Terribly frightening to him...

But those liquidy eyes looking at him in that half lidded way...sleepy? no...it didn't seem he was tired...

Tomonori swallowed hard, that odd nervous sensation trickling down his spine.

Tsukasa...staring in an almost...seductive manner like that...

It was enough to alarm him, enough for alarm to register through his impassive mask for a moment. Something wriggled in his stomach uneasily.

He didn't like that look, for some odd reason he felt his belly twist in fear. FEAR! Of a child nearly a foot shorter than him, and certainly far more slightly built. It was laughable. He knew even better than anyone else that Tsukasa would never harm a fly if given the choice, knew he was powerful, but would never hurt him...but nonetheless that look...of hunger that rawness frightened him. "Tsukasa? ...do you need something?" He heard himself ask, sounding far calmer than he felt. "I can't do this anymore Tomonori-san." Tsukasa said quietly in a low voice that reminded Tomonori of the purr of a cat ready to pounce, but with suddenly strangely sad eyes abruptly downcast. Tomonori felt, hovering at the edges of that soft tone, a twinge of desperation. Desperation for what? He wasn't suicidal was he? Tomonori's thoughts drifted down that path into alarm. After all he had been through...Tomonori certainly wouldn't be completely surprised by it, but... "I'm sorry, what?" Tomonori asked, becoming more uneasy when Tsukasa rubbed his hands against his midriff, through the well fitting black fabric of his robe, sending eerie sensations through him, his heartbeat racing suddenly. Had he been less able to control himself, blood would have rushed to his face in an unsightly blush, but he controlled it...barely. His body tensed, suddenly rigid. He never lost control, and now was not the time to start. He needed his face to be a mostly blank, controlled mask, so it was, and however his emotions might struggle beneath it, he wouldn't let them show. He couldn't let them show. Tsukasa's lips barely moved as he spoke in a low tone, one that Tomonori could hardly hear, his bangs hiding his eyes. "I can't pretend anymore, I have to know...no, I have to let YOU know..." Tomonori's heart nearly stopped, cold sweat trickling between his shoulderblades as Tsukasa nuzzled his neck from behind, eyes closed as though this might be his last memory, his hot breath stirred the skin near Tomonori's ear, sending hot ripples of some undescribable nervous enjoyment through his body. Tomonori swallowed abruptly as Tsukasa sighed, ghosting his hands over him in an almost loving manner, sending shivers down Tomonori's spine...it felt...good, in a way that was decidedly unfitting for a 'father' to have towards a 'son'...But Tsukasa didn't mean it...that way...did he?

Tomonori knew he didn't need those thoughts. He couldn't allow those thoughts. Not with the feelings He had been mostly keeping under control himself. It was all he needed to lose control now and do something regrettable because he jumped to the conclusion that what Tsukasa was doing was meant as... He swallowed. His mind racing for a logical explanation. Why could he be acting like this? What if there was something wrong with Tsukasa? What if he was sick? "Tsu-Tsukasa?" he heard himself stutter as a warm breath stirred the tiny hairs by his ear. Don't lose that control you fool! Control...

He steadied himself, asking in a calmer, but still concerned tone "Are you sure you're feeling well? Are you sick?" He twisted around to test his forehead for fever. Tsukasa loosened his grip as Tomonori turned around, he sighed. "You...don't understand do you?" he murmured to himself. But suddenly his eyes snapped back to Tomonori's face, his lip quivered, and something inside him seemed to burst as he abruptly grabbed Tomonori around the neck, his eyes inches away from Tomonori's, so much more beautiful when closer... He suddenly seemed desperate. "Tomonori-san, do you hate me?" Tomonori's eyes widened, nearly blushing once again, controlling it for the second time. "What?" he said disbeleivingly before he could assert control over his mouth. But those mirrored irises looked so fragile when he said that...frightened even. But...why would he be afraid of something like that? He should already know the answer right? Tomonori couldn't remember being distant or aloof or outright hateful to Tsukasa ever. He tried to always be kind to the Eraser. Tsukasa's life was, and had been hard enough without him adding to it by... He forced his thoughts away, back to rationality. He hadn't ever done anything of the sort. So what could possibly bring up this sort of question with such fear and desperation?

"I could never hate you Tsukasa." He replied softly. "Why would you think such a thing?" Tsukasa's lip suddenly quivered again, curving into a releived smile that made Tomonori's insides warm, then back into a desperate sort of worry. Worry? About what?

Tsukasa grabbed him closer around the neck, Tomonori's eyes widened as he was suddenly forced to bend down. An inch separated them. Tomonori controlled his urge to blush warning signals flaring in his head, paling. He stuttered "Ts-Tsukasa! What are you-" Tsukasa placed a finger to his lips, silencing him, giving him an uncontrollable blush reaction, eyes wide, visible to him in those mirrors...

"Shhh...don't talk, just please don't hate me for this." Tsukasa whispered ever so quietly. His arms trembled around Tomonori's neck. Tomonori was about to ask another question, feeling rather uncomfortable being so close to him, feeling just oddly...Scared, about all of this. Why was he so close? Was he really going to...no! That couldn't be it, he didn't think of him that way did he?. He wasn't really comfortable with any kind of human contact but if Tsukasa was really going to...No, he wasn't was he? He couldn't be! Why was he so close then? He...He wasn't...

Tsukasa squeezed his eyes shut as though to brace himself, then snapped his head forward and jammed their lips together so hard that their teeth clacked. Tomonori thought his eyes would pop from his skull in shock, stiffening, pain flaring from his mouth under that crushing jaw breaking kiss, but with it, just a hint of sweet hot sunshine that made something dance inside his stomach, made his face grow warm..."Ouch!" Tsukasa squeaked jerking back abruptly. he pulled up a hand to his lips, looking surprised at the pain there, gazing at Tomonori with a look of such naive surprise, even shock, that Tomonori had a mild urge to smile embarrassedly, or even laugh, but he was too busy staring in wide-eyed shock at Tsukasa. Then the boy seemed to realize what he had done-rather ineptly, but still done. "Oh..." He touched his mouth, seemingly surprised to find his lips throbbing. "I-I didn't mean that to happen...not like that-I'm so sorry!...I..." He suddenly seemed to turn crimson in a split second. He swallowed, backing away, babbling in a very out of character fashion, not seeming to know what to do with his hands, nervously jerking them together, sticking them in his pockets only to change his mind. Even brushing against Tomonori's hand once. "T-T-Tomonori-san...I think I...I...I'm sorry...I just needed to get that out of my system and..." He swallowed "I...I think...IloveyouTomonorisan!" He blurted the confession together in a speedy stammer, clamping a hand over his mouth seemingly horrified when he was done. Tomonori had felt his heartbeat leap into his mouth, then drop abruptly into his toes. He raised a hand to his painfully throbbing lips, alarmed, but still maintaining nothing but surprise on his mask-like outer face, he looked away. He had to avoid those eyes, lest they see the clashing emotions threatening to spill over there. Tsukasa looked at the ground, embarassed, blushing brightly, a pained look on his face. "I-I know it's wrong...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have-you can't possibly feel the same-but I can't help it Tomonori-san..." His eyes were pleading as he stared into the depths of Tomonori's soul. Tomonori wasn't sure whether or not Tsukasa could read what was going on there, if his eyes were still sheilded. "I j-just can't help it..." He muttered softly again. Half pleading, half apologizing. Desperate for understanding. He grabbed a gloved ahnd and held it desperately in his own smaller hands, clasping it against his brow, bowing his head. Tomonori let out the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. His blood chose this as a good time to tinge his face with red. Taking a hurried step back from Tsukasa, fiddling with his glasses, he said nothing, trying to think of what he could say. "Oh." He tried to think of something, but the words weren't coming...he needed a bit of time to gether his wits without the memory of...

"T-T-Tomonori-san? w-w-will you still take care of me?" Tsukasa looked petrified, the red had faded from his face into a ghostly white.. Tomonori tried to catch his whizzing thoughts. Tsukasa? and...HIM? "I-I know you don't feel...the same..." Tsukasa's eyes looked terribly sad, though he cast his eyes away from Tomonori as he said it in some clumsy attempt to hide it, he let go of the hand he had grabbed. "But...can I at least stay here? If you don't want me to..." He swallowed, wiping his eye. A glimmer of wetness dashed away. "w-w-well, I wouldn't blame you..n-not now at least I mean." he said shakily. He shut his eyes as though not wanting to see his fate. Tomonori felt something ache in his chest. He placed a hand to Tsukasa's face after a moment of indescision, titling his face to look at him. The boy gave a small gasp, staring shocked at him, his utmost attention given-his rapt expression alone was enough to give the bravest person sudden shyness. Tomonori's expression softened, he gave a soft smile to Tsukasa who promptly turned red again. "You always have a place to stay with me. And I still don't hate you and never will." Tomonori bowed his head then sighed, wondering how he could say this. "I understand...But... I don't understand why..." He paused to think of a way to word what he wanted to say. He took a breath and let it out slowly, forcing himself to relax his words.. "Tsukasa...it would be illegal you know. For anything to happen between us...I'm truly sorry...you know this can't happen..." He bowed his head, hair sliding to curtain his face on both sides, hiding one of his eyes. He spoke quietly"I wish I could make you happy...that would be worth it to me, but..." He sighed "I'm really not the right person for you...You'll see. You'll forget about me in no time...I'm sure you'll find out what I mean, then you'll understand." He opened his eyes. Tsukasa was staring at him, looking crushed. Tomonori was alarmed by the hurt in those eyes. He made to speak again, but Tsukasa only shook his head, eyes squeezed shut, his head bowed suddenly, looking away from Tomonori. His hands clenched into fists, then he looked back up at him with eyes suddenly a cloudy gray. so emotional, it mingled into something Tomonori could not read. Eyes raging. "I'll never forget you Tomonori-san...never...how can you even-" He stopped himself. Tomonori was genuinely surprised. The fact that Tsukasa had raised his voice...he hadn't known that he felt so strongly about this. Second thoughts bubbled in Tomonori's mind, once again he made to say something but was cut off by a sharp "No." From Tsukasa. The eraser sighed, the whites of his eyes growing pink, like he was holding back tears, he looked away. "I'm sorry. I won't bother you again. I'm sorry about everything. I should have known...I'm so sorry...you didn't want this...you never...I'll just go...I'm sorry." Then he had gone with a bow, eyes suspiciously liquidy, a glimpse of wetness on his face. Leaving Tomonori to be privately confused and afraid of his own feelings. "Tsukasa..." But Tsukasa was gone. Tomonori sighed, wanting to follow but also knowing now that his prescence would only worsen this...none of his apologies would close that terrible wound. It was much better that he never know...just be hurt now... He heard the door to Tsukasa's room close, and he sighed, his own feelings bubbling confusedly to the point of overflow, He wanted to kick himself for being such an idiot. He frustratedly whipped off the stove, and pulled on a coat for a walk outside, hoping it would clear his thoughts and give him some solution to this new and unexpected problem. One he had never expected to have. He just needed to get away. He could hear a choked sob from the boy's room. His chest gave a sharp pain, he opened his mouth to say something, taking a few steps to the room, but drew back suddenly. He had to get out of there...

Tomonori shook his head irritably, instinctively tapping his lips in memory.

He forced himself to walk, pushing his back from the supportive tree and continuing briskly on his way. His pace slowed to a shuffle as he felt an incredible sadness sweep through him. 'I have to go back...He deserves some explanation, some reason...I just can't do that to him.' He bowed his head, allowing some of his emotions to show, frustration creasing his smooth brow. 'How can I explain this to him? How can I tell him? I can't possibly be good enough...and...I can't risk it anyway. Serving under a mindbreaker is dangerous enough, what would happen if I were to become so...involved with him? An eraser.' He sighed softly. Something in him wanted to. He wanted to see Tsukasa happy, even more than he wished happiness for himself. But he knew that wasn't the only reason. He knew what he felt. Knew it, but couldn't acknowledge it. He was a preist. Above all else he had to serve. Above all else he was dedicated to the service of his God. 'I care about him.' He justified stubbornly. 'But that doesn't mean I feel THAT way about him. Even if I did-God have mercy on me-I could never allow myself to do such things! I must keep my priorities straight.' He bowed his head, a black curtain of hair hiding his profile. He shivered as his mind brought that brief intense moment where Tsukasa had jammed his lips against him back into his mind. His mouth gave a ghost of a throb as though to punctuate the memory. Tomonori internally gritted his teeth 'stop that! I cannot allow my reason to be overthrown. I must not encourage this behavior. I must hope it passes...' He suddenly swallowed.

Not only did he have to hope for Tsukasa's to pass, but he had to hope for his own emotions to cool. He couldn't recall a time where he had felt so agitated. This wasn't like him. He walked onwards deep in thought, wondering if he could even find a solution by the time he went home.

(end of part one)

please review...I intend to update if I can get a reveiw.

Otherwise I may as well remove this, I'm not very good at writing romance. It's more of an angst thing...there'll be plenty of that, but I'm a hppy ending type of person...in fact, I even have a FUNNY ending in mind.

Ah, this is an...orange...fic.

What is an orage you may say? Many people are familiar with lemons and limes, but oranges? A lemon or a lime is a sexual fic...slightly sour, in varying proportions--ie more graphic. An orange however is sweet. Not quite fluff. It's more of a sensuality thing that never quite becomes an issue of (pardon the bluntness) screwing around. It's my own definition as you might have guessed, but it seemed to make sense.

Orangeness.

please review, even if it's just to say I ought to be hung by my hair until the crows pick out my eyes. It's my first fic on my new account...no I wasn't cast off for lemons or anything...actually, I was practically kicked off for bad grammer. Pathetic ne? I'm checking more carefully now. If you catch a typo, I'd love if you can point it out for me--I'm lazy. I'll try to fix it up.