Dedication: This is for Rachel.
Spoilers/Timeline: Post break-up, before Say Something.
A/N: Do read and review.
Impermanence
Some people say that my outlook in life is pretty much rose-tinted. I prefer to think of myself as an optimist by force - what other creature could you turn into, after running away from home at sixteen? I've weathered an unplanned pregnancy, abandonment by the kid's father, penniless living at the back of a hotel in a garden shed, a near-marriage, an adulterous daughter... and come out of it tap-dancing. You could say I've had my share of ups and downs, but I've managed to hold my head up high and above water, if I may mix metaphors. I've managed to hold my head above water, and I'm still breathing.
I'm still breathing. My pulse is still beating. But I'm not alive, not really. I seem to have misplaced my glasses - has anyone seen them lately? Is it hiding under the couch? Because it's been 'Weather Outlook: Grey Skies' lately...
"This too, shall pass," they say.
This wall, this barrier, this... thing between us - it feels insurmountable. My heart is heavy and my sights grow dim - now where is that from again? (He would know.) (No, don't go there.)
Images pass in my mind's eye: him serving me coffee, twisting the cap on the to-go cup tightly so that I wouldn't spill any on myself, him smiling as I waddled my way through the ice-skating rink he made me, his arm around me, gently stroking my knee as we watched another classic movie at the bookstore. Me, going to Chris' parents place with the bottle. Me, hungover, and lying through my teeth to Luke, twice. (Oh God, what have I done?) His eyes, darkening from a hazy blue to a violent shade of black as Chris went on his stupid (stupid, stupid!) tirade about his impermanence in my life.
That's what my life was all about: getting in and out as quick as possible, grab all the happiness you can, don't commit to anything, just live in the moment. Just live in the moment and be happy, even if it's on the surface, because life is short and changes in a New York minute. This philosophy that I have - it's how I live my life out loud - what's that bible verse again? Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself? I liked the way I lived - there were plans, but aside from Rory (and now the Inn) (and not to forget, staying the HELL away from my parents), I've never really had any long-term plans. Even with Max. Or Alex. Or Jason.
Until he came along, and ruined everything by making everything better. By just being there, every single day. I gave Rory stability by giving her a place to live, and a loving home to come back to everyday. I didn't know that someone else was handing it out in spades to me too.
We've danced this dance a long time, him and me. And now, I've ruined it completely.