Jobs SDK Characters Should NEVER Have

By Rin Amaru/Rin-chan

Disclaimer: I do not own Samurai Deeper Kyo or any of its characters, though I wish I did. The idea for this fic comes from a Gundam Wing fanfic I read a long time ago.

A large crowd has gathered around a stage in Washington DC. An announcer walks up to the podium in center stage and taps on the microphone.

"Let's give a warm welcome to the future President of the United States!" the announcer shouts into the microphone. The crowd cheers as Kyo walks on the stage, grinning.

After he adjusts the microphone, he begins, "When I become President, my first order of business will be…" The crowd becomes silent in anticipation. "… To take over the whole damn world! I—err…-- WE WILL BE THE STRONGEST!"

The crowd collapses in shock. Kyo laughs and walks slowly off the stage.

Occupation: Politician

Yuya:

Chewing gum and playing with her hair, Yuya looks up as a car pulls up to the window. She lazily drags the microphone towards her face. This has become routine after a few days worth of the boring job.

"Welcome to The Mibu National Bank," Yuya said cheerfully, "How may I help you?"

The man in the car rolled down the window of his Ford SUV and leaned towards the speaker, "I would like to take out $100 please." He grabbed the plastic case by the microphone, placed a slip inside of it, and allowed the machine to send the case to Yuya.

Yuya stared at the slip of paper from inside the case, smile disappearing. "You want to take out money?"

"Uhh… yeah…" the man said, waiting patiently.

"YOU CAN"T TAKE OUT YOUR MONEY! THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE IT"S SAFE! YOUR BOUNTY IS SAFE HERE, AWAY FROM ROBBERS AND CROOKS AND… DEMONS LIKE KYO!" Yuya screamed, laughing maniacally into the microphone.

The man rolled up the window of his SUV and slowly drove away, leaving Yuya to the nice men in white.

Occupation: Bank teller

Benitora:

Leaning back in a large chair, Benitora took notes on a young woman in a lounge chair.

"So, Miss. Rena, how do you feel about your parents?" Benitora asked, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.

"Well," the Rena said softly, "I love my father but my mother is always so mean to me and—"

"What did you say about your father?" the Red Tiger asked, looking strangely at the woman.

"I-I love my daddy…" she said, now frightened.

The normally jovial and squinty eyes of Benitora went dark and suddenly opened wide. The very air in the room went cold as his black blood showed its strength.

"Fathers are the root of all evil. I hate my father…. I HATE HIS VERY SOUL!" Benitora shouted, practically strangling the girl in front of him. Realizing what he was doing when Rena's face turned purple, he let go of her neck.

"Oh… I'm very sorry… I just need to… calm down…"

Occupation: Psychiatrist

Okuni:

The church choir was singing during the Sunday service. None other than the lovely Okuni was in the front row of the choir, an alto-soprano. In the middle of "All Ye Faithful", the fallen miko dropped her song book. When she bent down to pick it up, the entire church had a nice view of her massive cleavage.

The men and boys snickered and stared at her breasts while the women and girls shielded their eyes and screamed. Okuni glared at them all, hate running through her veins.

Suddenly, everyone in the pews was suspended through vital organs in the ceiling, held up by wires. Okuni laughed.

"For people so rude, their blood is so… beautiful…" she said, rubbing her breasts.

Occupation: Choir singer

Mahiro:

Mahiro was cleaning the counter of her pet store as two new customers walked in. Approaching the counter, Mahiro realized it was a father and son.

The boy pointed to the tarantulas and other spiders in cages behind her, next to the cute puppies and fluffy kitties. "Daddy, daddy! I want one of those for my birthday!" His father nodded.

Mahiro smiled uneasily with her black curly hair floating behind her. "A spider, you don't want one of those… Those are mine!" she shouted, blocking the spider cages with her body.

The little boy frowned and climbed over the freshly cleaned counter and tried to get at the spiders. "I want one! GIMME!"

Mahiro just glared at the boy, releasing all the spiders in the cages. Spiders crawled all over the boy's skin while the father shouted at Mahiro and the boy screamed.

The boy suddenly stopped screaming and collapsed on the floor, dead. Shortly afterwards, the father dropped too. Little black widows left their necks and into Mahiro's loving hands and happily went into their cages.

Occupation: Pet store owner

Yukimura:

"Bartender! Gimme another beer!" a very drunk man asked a feminine man behind the bar, serving drinks to others.

Nodding drunkenly to the man, Yukimura poured another glass of beer. Just as the man was about to take the glass, Yukimura swiped the glass and drank it gaily. The man growled.

"What about my beer? You just drank my beer!" the man shouted, grabbing Yukimura's shirt collar and pulling him over the bar and onto the floor. The drunken man attempted to kick Yukimura in the face, but he easily avoided the blow.

Again, the man tried to hit him, but Yukimura remained superior. Suddenly, the man's head rolled on the floor next to Yukimura, the body was held upright by someone.

Yukimura smiled and hiccupped, "Thanks, Saizo!" Putting the body down, Saizo frowned and helped his lord to his feet.

"Yukimura, you have to stop worrying me like this!"

"S'alright! Why won't you be a dear and grab me some sake?" Yukimura said, grinning.

Occupation: Bartender

Sasuke:

"Good morning, class! I would like to introduce you all to out newest student, Sasuke!" Miss. Libby said happily, holding Sasuke's shoulders. She always treated her 7th graders like kindergartners. Patting Sasuke's head, she said, "Isn't he just the cutest little boy?"

Sasuke hung his head while the class snickered. Removing shuriken and daggers from his pocket, the little ninja successfully ripped out Miss. Libby's innards. The class gaped at the white haired boy.

Grinning, Sasuke left the classroom, but not before throwing the bloody weapons into the wall just above the frightened students heads.

"Idiots…" he said, closing the door behind him.

Occupation: Student

Akira:

"Waiter! Did you bring me that cocktail yet? It's boiling out here!" a rude man shouted from under an umbrella. He was on his private island, sipping now warm lemonade in 105 degree weather.

Akira walked up to the man politely, holding a tray with the cocktail. Handing the man his drink and removing the old lemonade, he said warmly, "Here is your cocktail, sir." While the man took his first sip, Akira left to bring the warm lemonade inside.

"Hey, waiter! This cocktail isn't nearly cold enough!" the man complained until he came face to face with a furious Akira. Glaring daggers at the man, Akira grabbed the glass in the man's hand. The glass became covered in ice and, shortly, so did the man's body. Smiling cockily, Akira brushed his hands together.

"Is that cold enough for you?"

Occupation: Waiter

Kyoshiro:

"Alright, now shift slightly to the left… that's it…" Kyoshiro said as he squirted oil onto an attractive young woman's bare back. Actually, she was completely naked, with the exception of a towel over her buttocks.

After moving his hands perfectly over the woman's tense shoulder blades and eventually to her lower back, he began to pull the towel away from her firm butt. Grinning happily, Kyoshiro's nose began to bleed as he stroked her butt. The woman growled.

The happy janitor outside was listening to music on his old, reliable cassette player while sweeping the floor. Unbeknownst to him, screams, shouts, and painful slaps rang through the halls. Pans and oil containers hit the walls. The door opened, and the woman stepped outside, covering herself with a towel. She huffed and walked away.

Back in the room, Kyoshiro nursed a rather large bump on his head.

"But… didn't it feel good?" he shouted after her.

Occupation: Masseur

Muramasa:

Alex Trebek neatened the cards with the questions in front of him.

"Now for the final question... Who will win tonight, Muramasa or the reining champion, Ken Jennings? If Muramasa wins, he defeats a legend!" Trebek began. The crowd applauded.

"Alright. The category is International Film Directors. This director of an Oscar-winning film is fighting to preserve Angel Island, site of a former immigration station in San Francisco Bay," Alex Trebek stated. As the Jeopardy theme began, he thought to himself, 'They'll never know the answer is Ang Lee…'

"Your time is up! Ken Jennings, what was your answer?" Trebek asked.

"Who is Michael Moore?" Jennings replied uneasily. Trebek shook his head.

"I'm sorry, that is incorrect. Muramasa, what is your answer?"

Muramasa had answered every other question right, leaving Ken Jennings in the dust. Looking over at Muramasa, Alex Trebek received a soft smile from the old man, as if to say 'Thank You.'

"Who is Ang Lee?" Muramasa said happily.

Confetti filled the air as the other Samurai Deeper Kyo characters ran on stage to congratulate Muramasa.

If only Trebek knew he could read minds…

Occupation: Jeopardy contestant (not really an occupation… but hey!)

A/N: Wow… That was rather interesting… I hope you all enjoyed my retarded humor. I can't believe I wasted an hour and a half of my life writing this lol