Hellhomer

By

Patrick Moore

This story is rated PG-13 due to mild lanuage and strong violence.

The Simpsons are owned by 20th Century Fox.

Hellraiser is owned by Clive Barker.

Apologies to all.

Today is Lisa's birthday, and as usual, Homer forgot to buy her a present. The last present Homer gave Lisa was one of those make your own birthday videos at the mall, but he was going to get her a diary.

"D'oh!" Homer grunted, as Marge asked him for his present for Lisa.

"Homer, you didn't get her a decent present," frowned Marge. "I told you two weeks ago to get her the Malibu Stacy dvd collection."

"You're in trouble now, Homeboy," said Bart.

"Shut up, Boy," Homer shook his fist at Bart, then turned to Marge. "Don't worry, Marge, I'll head to the mall and get Lisa her present, before she gets back from Janey's." Homer heads out of the door, just before Ned Flanders greeted him.

"Howdy-Doody, Homer," Ned replied.

"Must get Lisa present. Shut up, Flanders," Homer got into his car and drove off, just as Lisa went inside the house.

"Where's Dad going?" Lisa asked her mother.

"He had to go to work," Marge lied. "Mr. Burns wants him to work overtime."

"On a Saturday?" Lisa gave her mother a puzzled look.

"I better meet Milhouse at the comic book store," Bart went out the door, as Marge gave her usual angered look.

"Why did the mall have to be so crowded today?" Homer groaned as the mall's parking lots were crowded with no empty spaces. "I knew I should have gone to one of those cheap malls in Shelbyville, they have the super-sized strawberry malts with the large cookie dough chunks."

Just then, Homer spotted a nice little store next to the mall. He drove there, where he was greeted by a wrinkled old woman smoking a long cigar dressed in a Chinese garb.

"I see that you're my first customer," the old woman said to Homer. "What would you like to buy?"

"Today's my daughter's birthday, and I want to find her a decent present," said Homer, as the old women took a drag from her cigar.

"Lisa like puzzles, get her one," said Homer's brain.

"Zip it, Brain," said Homer. "I'll do the thinking around here." He soon turns back to the old woman. "Do you have any puzzles?"

"Come inside, my fat little friend," replied the old woman. "What kind of puzzles dose she like?"

"I like to get her one of those brain teaser puzzles she likes," Homer replied, as he spotted a strange cube on one of the nearest self. He picked it up and showed it to the old woman. "I'll take this one. Lisa likes that Rubic square thingy anyway."

"That certain puzzle is not for sale," said the old lady. "Get another puzzle."

"Why can't I get this one?" Homer asked.

"That puzzle opens the gates of Hell!" the old woman snapped. "Now get another puzzle and get out!"

While the old woman wasn't looking, Homer put the square puzzle into his pocket, and grabbed a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards and put them on the counter.

"A good choice," the old woman smiled, as she took Homer's money, and put the cards into a small paper bag. "Thank you and come again."

"I will," Homer smiled as he walked out of the store, but mumbled under his breath. "You old, smells like my gym socks bag."

Lisa gave a weak smile as she looked at her new sweater from her Aunts Patty and Selma. The sweater looked like it had the hair of a million cats sown into it.

"I was going to make it into a blanket for Ling, but she might cough up a hairball," said Aunt Selma.

"Thanks, Aunt Selma" Lisa gave a small grin.

"Open my present," said Grampa Simpson. "It's an classic colt. 45 pistol."

"Grampa, I hate violence and guns," replied Lisa.

"Grampa, how could you?" Marge frowned at Abe.

"I was going to give it to Bart when he's old enough," said Abe.

"I'll take the gun," Bart smirked. "As long as it shoots water."

"I knew I should have got fake bullets," sighed Abe.

Just then, Homer enters with "Lisa's" present. "Happy Birthday, Lisa!" he shouted, as he gave her the puzzle cube from out of his pocket. "I hope you like puzzles."

"Oh, Dad, this is the best present you ever gave me," Lisa smiled. "What's in the bag?"

"I got Bart some Yu-Gi-Oh cards to play with his friends," Homer gave Bart the cards.

"Yu-Gi-Oh sucks, man" frowned Bart. "I'll just add them to the rest of my other sucky trading cards."

"I'll start to figure out my new puzzle after dinner," Lisa said, as she went upstairs.

"That was sweet of you, Homey," Marge kissed her husband on the cheek.

"Now tell Marge that you stole that cube from the old woman who told you it wasn't for sale in the first place," said Homer's brain.

"It's Vanilla Pepsi for you tonight," said Homer to his brain.

Homer's brain groaned.

Satan looked at his monitor from the pits of Hell to see Lisa trying to solve the puzzle. "Come on, kid, solve that puppy so I can bring Hell on Earth." He now laughs evilly.

TO BE CONTIUED...