AN: Okay, so I finally decided to add something extra to this chapter. The reason why it was originally so short was because I didn't think I would finish this story and I was about to scrap it, but my friend Kim yelled at me and made me post it. Thank you Kim. I'm sure everyone who likes this story also thanks you. I hope everyone enjoys the revisions (or if this is your first time reading the story, I hope you like it all in general).
Now, for some warnings. This fic is a testament to how demented and fucked up my brain is. So, if you have a problem with M/M relationships, rape, blackmail (as the title suggests), violence, sex between men, cursing, etc, then why the hell are you watching Gravitation? This fic is just more screwed up and graphic (hopefully, I won't get in trouble).
This chapter is written from Shuichi's POV and there's a flashback written in italics (it's a kinda long flashback, but bear with it).
Disclaimers: Gravitation and all of its characters belong to Murakami Maki-sensei and I'm just borrowing everyone for my own twisted pleases. If I did own Gravitation, there would have been more yaoi goodness throughout the rest of the series and I wouldn't be here writing fan fics. With that said and done, enjoy the story.
Blackmail: Chapter One
I lay on my back, the world around me out of focus as the dull sound of the creaking of old bed springs echoes throughout the room. I barely notice as the man above me grunts his release, filling me with his vile seed, further defiling me. I hate how he has me laying on my back, the same way my beloved does. Who does he think he is that he can take me like I'm his legitimate lover? But then again, all this is to him is just a game. He revels in my pain, his orgasm just an added bonus. I softly groan as he pulls out of me leaving behind only a dull pang of pain and the slow trickle of semen and blood. Selfish bastard didn't even bother to prep me before ramming hard and fast into my ass.
I close my eyes as I feel him shift positions from being above me to sitting beside me. I try to block out the reality of my situation; I'm not ready yet to deal with what is happening to me again. I don't want to be reminded that I am reducing myself to nothing more than a cheap whore; a sex toy to be played with by this uncaring prick.
"On your knees," he orders. I hate when I have to actively participate in this little game of his instead of just letting him have complete access to me. He must know that I'm trying my hardest to not cry, to not break down in front of him because of the way he's treating me. But all I can do is comply and slide my pained, bruised body off the bed and kneel in front of him, his cock in front of me half erect and waiting for me to give it some attention. I take it in my hand, slowly pumping it while he grins down at me. He's loving every second of this.
"I don't have all night," he says with that smug grin still plastered all over his face. I close my eyes and engulf the hardening organ, feeling it push at the back of my throat. He grabs my hair to set up a tempo that he prefers; fucking my face relentlessly as he tries to reach another orgasm. My scalp hurts as he pulls harder on my hair, trying to increase my already dizzying pace. I almost bite him as he cums in my mouth, making me swallow his seed. I remove myself from his crotch and cough, wanting to force the vile liquid from my body but I remember the punishment from the last time I tried that. Instead, I try to keep the bile form rising in my throat to expel what should have never been ingested.
I'm still on my knees on the floor; my head resting on the side of the bed when I feel the man who has just made this past hour of my life a living hell shift his weight. He's now standing and searching for the rest of his clothing which he threw carelessly around the room. I refuse to move until he is on his way out the door, taking the money I have to give him. He looks back at me to say that he'll see me next week before walking out the door, slamming it behind him. I'm torn between wanting to take a shower and wanting to leave out this cheap, dank motel room to the safety and security of my home. I just want to cuddle up in my own bed to cry myself to sleep and pretend for another week that this never happened and that I'm am more than that man's cheap toy. But right now, a shower sounds good.
After what seems like forever, but is actually 2 or 3 minutes, I stand up to walk over to the small bathroom to wash the filth of that man off my body. I look at my reflection in the mirror. The image of a once proud, happy-go-lucky but now broken man stares back at me. I try not to dwell on it too long but instead walk over to the shower and turn the water on to as high of a temperature as I can stand. I let the steaming hot water cascade down my body and I grab the small, cheap bar of soap to start the process of cleaning myself of some of this grime. Soon my vision becomes blurry and I break down and cry. The only thing I have that keeps me going, the only person that keeps me from ending this all, the one man in this world that gives me the power to endure this, is the one I must come face to face with tonight and fear his possible wrath.
After being in this godforsaken motel for nearly two hours, I drag my bruised, sore body down the steps before I come to rest at the lobby. Aizawa left me with the responsibility of turning in the keys and paying for the cheap, dank room that I was forced to degrade myself in. After I hand the receptionist my money and the room keys, I ask the man who looks as if he wishes he were dead whether or not he knows the number of any taxi services. He lifts his head up to once again acknowledge my presence and points outside to where there is a small number of cabs sitting out there, waiting and hoping to get a fare from the motel. I thank the man who doesn't even move to say or do anything to show that he actually heard me but I don't dwell on his rudeness; I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible.
It doesn't take me long to walk up to one of the taxis and hop in, giving him Hiro's address since I don't think I can bear to look my lover, Yuki, in the face just yet tonight. The ride seems maddeningly slow and all it does is force me to think back to the events of the past week that left me in such a humiliating and degrading predicament. That day started off like any other and I would have never guessed that it would have had such an impact on me.
flashback>
"Tadaima!" I yell at the top of my lungs before I start running through the house in search of my blond lover. I am so excited and can barely contain my joy as I slide though the house; my socked feet slipping slightly on the polished, hardwood floor. We finished recording early in the studio today and K was nice enough to let us go home early. Since yesterday was one of Yuki's many deadlines, I haven't spent enough time with him and now is my chance to be with my koibito.
"Do you have to be so loud," I hear my lover grumpily say from the kitchen as he walks out towards me with a mug of coffee in his hand. Despite the fact that it's after 3pm it looks like he just woke up not too long ago which would explain his foul mood. I'm not surprised since Yuki usually sleeps forever after a deadline because he would have pulled several all-nighters in a row.
Despite his grumpiness and irritability, I can't help but try to jump into his arms to show how much I missed him during the day. But, having lived with me for so long, he easily sees through my intentions and sidesteps me at the last second and I fall face first into the floor. My whining does nothing to him and it not like I expect him to apologize, but my crying and wailing is due more to habit than anything else.
"Stop crying. Dammit. This is the last thing I want to deal with when I wake up." Yuki takes a sip of his coffee and walks over to the couch to sit down. I stroll over to him after I finally pick myself up from the cold, linoleum floor, still rubbing the part of my face that impacted with the hard surface. Once I get to where my lover is I straddle his waist and snuggle up against him like a big teddy bear. He says nothing as we just sit there, enjoying each other's company and the silence between us. It's not one of those suffocating silences that threaten to drive someone insane, but rather, it's a soothing calm that allows me to listen to the rhythm of Yuki's heart and find peace in its steady beating.
"Oi, brat," I hear my lover say with such gentleness that I barely notice the insulting nickname that now seems to be my pet name. "You received a package earlier. I just needed to tell you before I forget about it." I think the real reason Yuki told me this was because we've been sitting like this for a while and he probably wants the feeling to return back to his legs sometime soon. I scoot off of his lap and head towards one of the end tables that usually house the mail we receive daily. I don't recognize the handwriting on the front and there's no return address and I'm almost surprised that Yuki hasn't opened it yet; he always opens anything that looks suspicious but he was probably too tired to notice it.
I'm almost squealing with delight over what the contents of the package might be; it's an oversized envelope so it could possibly be fan mail or maybe that autographed picture of Nittle Grasper that I've always wanted (Tohma's too mean to sign anything for me when I'm at work). I head into the kitchen to find a pair of scissors to help me open the envelope; it's been heavily taped and there's no way that I can get it open otherwise. After the annoying tape has been dealt with I reach in and pull out a piece of paper and that's when my world comes crashing down on me. It's a blackmail letter from Aizawa stating that he still has pictures from when he had me raped and that he would go to the press with them, along with Yuki's past, if I don't meet him every Friday at some shady sounding motel with 250,000 yen.
I'm almost hyperventilating after reading this and I'm trembling when I notice that it feels like there's still something inside the envelope. I hesitantly reach inside and I pull out several photos of me with my attackers. I stand here looking at the pictures and it seems as if the whole world has stopped and all that remains is nothing but my worst fears. I thought I was able to move pass what happened to me and that I would no longer have to deal with the jealous rival but I guess I was wrong.
"Oi, brat, what's in the package," I hear my blond lover say from the living room, his words pulling me out of my waking nightmare. This is one of the times when I am truly grateful that he didn't open the suspicious looking mail cuz the last thing I ever want him to see is what happened to me that fateful night in order to protect him.
"It's nothing Yuki, just some annoying fan mail," I say back to him, hiding the envelope under my shirt as I move quickly out of the kitchen and head towards our bedroom. Even though I can't see him, I can feel Yuki's amber eyes boring into my back as if he's trying to read my soul and find out the truth. Luckily, he says nothing and lets me continue my journey. He knows I'm hiding something but he lets me hide it from him for now.
Once I finally reach the dark bedroom, I turn on a light and look once again at the blackmail letter and try to commit the information to memory. I've never heard of the motel that he wants me to come to so I'll have to look it up. Also, there's no way I can withdraw that much money from my account without Yuki noticing. He thinks that I'm too immature and irresponsible to handle my own finances so he does it for me. While he is right, it won't take long before he receives a bank statement and notice a lot of money missing and unaccounted for.
If that wasn't bad enough, today is Thursday and I have to meet Aizawa tomorrow evening with the money. I don't think I'll be able to go to the bank and withdraw that much but I have no other choice but to try. If I can get everything done on time tomorrow morning, then maybe K will be nice enough to give me a decent lunch break and I can go to the bank then.
It's not long before my thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Yuki walking down the hall towards me. Normally, I'm not so observant, but when you feel as though you're trapped against a wall with nowhere to run, you notice everything. I search around the room quickly to find a place I can hide the envelope and its contents without my lover finding it and I decide to place it in the bottom of my underwear drawer. As far as I know, the novelist doesn't go through my boxers; unless he has some weird underwear fetish I was never aware of.
Before I can close the drawer Yuki turns the doorknob and enters the room, the light from the hall spilling in. "What's wrong and what are you doing," the blond asks as he notices that my hand is still inside my underwear drawer. I have to think fast in order to make up a lie that's believable without giving myself away; I honestly think that I'm the worst liar in all of Japan and Yuki will be able to tell in a heartbeat if I'm not telling him the truth.
"Getting…something," I say as I try to think of something better to say. I quickly close my underwear drawer and roughly open up another random drawer and act as if I'm looking for something. "Why can't I find it," I say just loud enough for my lover to hear me while I pray that he'll think that I'm just clumsily looking for some random item that I misplaced in the dresser. I begin to open another drawer when I hear my lover sigh and come over to me. He's muttering under his breath about me losing my head if it wasn't attached to my neck and how I'd still find a way to succeed at that impossible task.
"Just tell me what you're looking for and I can probably find it," the blond says in an annoyed tone. Me randomly rummaging through most of my clothes is probably ticking him off since he's usually relatively neat. He looks down at me and this is the first time since Yuki came in here that I've actually looked up into his eyes. There's no concern or disbelief in them and I almost sigh in relief knowing that he's not suspecting anything.
"I'm looking for one of my stage outfits; well, the shirt at least. The girl who wrote that letter said I looked like a whore at my last concert and I just wanted to see if that shirt really looks that slutty." I'm actually amazed at myself for saying something so perfect without completely fucking it up. I think Yuki brought it cuz he just sighs again before opening the closet door and pointing to where all my stage outfits are hanging up.
I just say 'oh' and I reach in to grab a random shirt that looks as if it would better suit a girl working on the streets than a young male pop singer and I hold it in front of myself. "This doesn't look slutty, does it?" I know that it does but I just need to go along with my little white lie for a bit longer.
I receive a devilish grin from Yuki as he looks at the shirt and he's probably remembering how I looked in the outfit on stage; my body swaying with the music in a dance meant to tempt and tease everyone who looks my way. No matter what I wear on stage, Yuki knows that I am his and his alone. That probably adds to his excitement that he can receive a personal performance anytime he pleases and he will see me wearing a lot less than this.
"Well," he's licking his lips as he moves his hand to remove the piece of fabric that I call a shirt from in its place in front of me. "I don't think you look slutty as opposed to…fuckable." Now that there's nothing between us, my lover lifts his hand to tilt my face before he crashes his lips against mine. The passion and power of this kiss send my senses wheeling and I forget all about my troubles and fears. The only thing that exists right now if Yuki and I'll be damned if I'll let anything else get in the way.
I think everyone in the studio earlier today was completely surprised that I was productive today. Anyone who knows me could tell that I got a little too much loving from Yuki last night which usually leads to an unproductive, wasteful day; however, I had no time to loose for anything in the world. I needed to finish everything either on time or early so I could go to the bank (which I was able to do) and the only thing left for me to do is mentally prepare myself for the worst.
So now, I'm standing here in a dank, dirty, and creepy looking motel room waiting for my rapist to arrive. I was so nervous about being late that I actually got here twenty minutes early. I can't help but pace around the small room and try to focus on everything but the bed that sits in the middle of this area. I glance over at the small paper bag full of money that's sitting on the table near the door. I then glance out the window and notice that the only thing out there is a windowless brick wall. Well, at least I don't have to worry about someone looking into the room and seeing me in this position.
I keep up the pacing for a few more minute when I hear the door to the room open. I look up from floor to see the object of my fears and apprehension wearing an evil grin on his face. He closes the door behind him and begins to slowly walk towards me like a cat stalking his prey. I barely notice that I'm walking away from him until my leg hits the end of the bed. When he does finally reach me, I once again lower my head and avoid his gaze like the plague. Finally, I can't avoid him any longer when he forces my face up roughly and makes me look in his eyes. After a few seconds of staring me down, he roughly pushes me down on the bed and looms over me.
"Well at least you know your place, you little slut," he says from above me in response to my submissiveness while his hands work on remove his shirt. I can't help but look around the room, expecting either someone to come save me, or someone to come help Aizawa with humiliating and degrading me. Unfortunately, after a few moments, no one comes to my rescue but at least no one comes to help my irate rival.
"Look at me, bitch," Aizawa says in an aggressive tone which forces me to look back in his direction and I notice that he's completely naked. I slightly blush and want to look away but I know that that's not an option right now. "Take off your clothes," he orders, his eyes never once leaving my small form as I slowly sit up to begin the task of pulling my shirt off. I hesitantly pull my pants down, leaving my boxers on because I don't want my bear butt to touch these sheets that probably haven't been properly cleaned since they were purchased.
It's only a matter of seconds before I feel an added weight by my legs at the foot of the bed as Aizawa finally decides to join me. I can't stop my body from sliding back some in a futile attempt to escape my soon-to-be rapist. He laughs some at my movements before reaching down to pin his hand on my chest in order to stop me from fleeing. I turn my head to the side and stare off at the wall as I feel his cold hands travel down my body. It's taking all of my will power to not let any tears spill from my eyes as I feel him roughly remove my boxers but I know I have to be strong right now.
"Turn over." The former singer barks another order that I must do and I turn to now lay on my stomach but before I can get comfortable (as comfortable as one can get on a disgusting motel bed) he moves my body so that I am now on my hands and knees. I know what's coming next and I'm only granted a few seconds to try to calm down and attempt to relax before I feel Aizawa force his way inside of me. I have to use every ounce of power to not scream out in pain. Instead, I bite on my lower lip to prevent any sounds from escape my mouth and I know that I'm gonna have to explain my bruised lip and limp to Yuki later.
Above me, my rival moans out his pleasure while all I feel is mind numbing pain. It's the kind of pain that makes you wish that you were unconscious so you wouldn't have to deal with it any longer. I received no warning, no preparation, no nothing. And now, I can feel blood trickle down my thighs and I know that this pain will last for a while. But for now, I have to try to block out the feeling of being ripped in half and remember that I can't give this uncaring bastard the pleasure of seeing my tears, or hearing my pleas and screams.
His actions are fast and hard as he tries to reach his completion, my body nothing more than a means of helping him with his orgasm. It isn't long before I hear him moan aloud, his movements stopping momentarily as he cums inside of me. There are a few more small, little thrusts of his hips as he makes sure that my body receives all that he has to give. When he finally does move from inside of me, I collapse back onto the bed and I shudder as I feel his semen and my blood slowly flow from my body. Aizawa is still kneeling behind me trying to catch his breath and all I can do is hope that he's done with me. All I want to do is shower and go home. I don't want to be here any longer with this prick, forced to be his sex toy for however long.
"Not bad, bitch," I hear Aizawa say before he moves to lie down beside me. I try to move away from him, not wanting to be close to him, but I can't. My lower body is so sore and it hurts to move. I guess I have no other choice but to stay here until he gives me another order. We are both silent and I wonder if he's asleep or just plotting something.
"Clean yourself up; I don't want to get blood on any of my shit." With that said, I slowly drag myself out of the bed and stand to walk over to the small bathroom. Luckily, the door to the bathroom is on my side of the bed so I don't have to walk too far in this condition. I grimace with each step I take, the pain shooting though my body, but I bear through it all.
I close the door behind me and turn to the shower. I set the temperature for as high as I can stand and step in. I'm a little surprised that this meeting didn't last as long as I feared but I shouldn't complain; this was not as bas as when Aizawa had me raped.
I'm in here for a few minutes before I hear the man of my fears banging on the door telling me to hurry up. Not wanting to upset him for fear of the consequences, I just rinse my body off of any lather from the soap and exit the now steamy room, dressed only in a towel wrapped around my lower body. Aizawa is fully clothed again, but I can't help but notice the erection confined in his pants. I know that it's meant for me and I wonder why he even bothered to get dressed again if he's just gonna fuck me again. But then again, maybe he wants to give me a false sense of security just to mess around with my head.
He sits on the bed again and motions for me to come to him. I do as instructed and I move to stand in front of him. The former singer begins to unzip his pants and he removes the cherry-red organ that was begging to be freed.
"On your knees," he says and I am frozen for a few seconds. The last thing I want to do is suck this bastard off. It's bad enough that I have to be here, but I don't want to do anything, except be quiet and let him do whatever he wants with me. "Did you hear me you little slut, or do I have to repeat myself?" Anger and impatience are lacing his voice like a sheet of ice and I know that I should probably do as told if I want to get out of here without much incident.
I lower myself to my knees, his cock in front of me threatening to further defile me. I almost grin because – even though I shouldn't be thinking about it at a time like this – Aizawa's a lot smaller than Yuki and Hiro. Maybe that's why he has to resort to rape to get laid. The other man must have noticed my amusement because he grabs me by the back of my head and roughly pulls me down onto his dick. I nearly gag as he pushes the swollen organ as far as he wants, not bothering to let me breath. I try to pull away from him so I can at least get a breath of fresh air, but his hand prevents me from moving too far. I want to bite down on the hardened flesh in my mouth in order to remove it, but I don't even want to think about what Aizawa would do if I attempted that. So instead, I am left with the only option of letting him fuck my face until he cums.
Luckily, as soon as I stop struggling, he pulls out of my mouth some and I take this chance to fill my pained lungs with some fresh oxygen (well, as fresh as it can be when breathed around someone's sweaty cock). Once I do get some air onto my body, he once again pulls on my head to the speed he desires and I once again nearly choke, but luckily I don't. After what seems like an eternity he cums inside of my mouth, his hot seed filling every crevice until it overflows and some trickles down the side of my mouth.
"Swallow it," I hear him say above me, slightly out of breath and looking somewhat dazed. I know I have to, but my body refuses to listen for a few seconds. I do finally swallow the milky-white substance, but I can't stop the bile from rising in my throat and I promptly vomit all over the floor. I'm hunched over as I force out semen, lunch and whatever else happened to be inside my stomach onto the floor. After a few minutes of shuddery, chocked breathes I feel Aizawa's foot push my head down on the floor, my face coming to rest a few centimeters from the disgusting pile of vomit that I left near the bed.
"You dirty, fucking whore. Think you're too good for it, huh?" With that, he pushes my head into the chunky, pinkish semi-liquid as punishment. I try to lift myself up but Aizawa's foot once again pushes my head into the floor, this time harder before he walks away. I immediately get up, sitting back on my heels, and remove the towel that's still around my waist to wipe off my face. I can't believe he actually did that to me but I should have known to not underestimate anything that Aizawa is capable of doing to degrade anyone.
My back is to the other man while I continue to try to clean myself off while trying to suppress the urge to throw up again. I hear him open the paper bag that contains the money I have for him; he probably wants to count it to make sure I'm not trying to short-change him. I sit perfectly still and wait for him to finish counting so he can leave. I want nothing more than to go home and curl up against Yuki like a kitten snuggling against its owner. It's a few more minutes before I hear movement but I don't turn around to look.
"Don't forget to pay for the room and I'll see you next week." With that, I hear the door open and close, signaling that he has finally left me here in peace for at least another week. I drop the towel over the mess on the floor and head to the bathroom to once again take a shower. I just hope that this cheap soap and shampoo will be enough to overcome the stench of everything in that happened in this room, but even if it doesn't, I'm gonna take another shower when I get home.
Home. I can't think of the last time that one simple word brought me such pleasure just thinking about it.
end flashback>
"Is this the address you want," I hear the cab driver say, bringing me back to reality. I turn to look out the window and notice a familiar apartment complex so I nod to the driver before I take out my wallet to pay the man. I ease my frame out of the small car and limp over to the building.
That first night, I went back home to my lover, avoiding him at all costs for at least three days. Luckily, he spent a lot of time in his office so all I had to do was stay away from him during dinner and almost every night until I could walk straight again. I said nothing to Yuki and I know that he's still worried but right now, I can't face him; I feel too dirty and ashamed to see him at the moment.
Fortunately for now, Hiro doesn't know that I have to do this. I just show up at his apartment and tell him that Yuki and I had another fight. It's not uncommon for this to happen but at the same time, this is the first time that I've had to come over because of a fight in over two months. But instead of asking questions, he just sighs and lets me in so we can talk about this. I wish I could tell him what the real problem was but for now, that's not an option. I can't risk getting anyone else involved.
"So, what happened this time?" Hiro asks as I sit down in the living room while he prepares some tea for me. I have no idea what to tell him without having him mad at Yuki for something that he didn't do. Sometimes his over protectiveness is appreciated, but right now it only keeps me from telling him anything because if I told him the truth about what was going on, he would probably want to kill Aizawa. So I just sit here quietly while he prepares the tea, and after a few moments I am rejoined by him. He sits the tray in front of me and begins to serve the hot liquid. I can feel his eyes bore into me as he await my explanation but I instead stare down at the tea trying to think of anything that sounds believable. The only problem is, Hiro knows when I lie and he hates it when I keep things from him. So I choose to remain quiet and hope that Hiro decides to not ask anymore questions.
I feel his hand on my cheek bringing my face up so he can look me dead in the eyes. His expression is so sad like he has to tell me that my dog died. I almost crack under his gaze; breaking down into tears and telling him everything that happened but I don't. He leans in towards me and for a second I think he's going to kiss me but instead he brings me into him embrace, hugging me tightly while soothingly drawing circles with his hand across my back. A few silent tears escape my eyes as he holds me and all I can do is hope that he doesn't notice the moisture falling onto his shoulder.
"Yuki-san called earlier trying to find you. He said you've been acting weird for a while and when you didn't come home on time he got worried." I can hardly believe what Hiro just said as he tries to take this new approach on getting me to open up with the truth. Yuki never calls around looking for me; at least as far as I know. But then I glance over to the clock and notice that I was supposed to be home almost three hours ago; Yuki knows that I'm never late if I can help it and I usually call when I am. That plus the weird way I was acting probably frightened him. He's been a lot nicer and considerate since he opened up to me a few months ago.
"Hiro," I breathe out his name before my entire body is racked with pain-filled sobs. I hold onto my friend tightly, gripping his shirt in my hands as I cry out all the pain that has filled me for the past week. He continues to stroke my back and whisper soothing words into my ear but I can hear nothing over my own crying.
After a few moments, my body stops trembling with the force of my pain and sobs so that my tears become silent. I still refuse to let go of Hiro, refuse to let him see me like this. It's not like this would have been the first time he's seen me cry, but I don't want him to know the reason why I'm in so much pain right now. I move to sit in his lap and curl up, still crying in his shirt. I wonder how many shirts of his I have ruined with my crying yet he never complains and only holds me tighter.
His hand moves to gently stoke my hair and he remains silent knowing that I will tell him as soon as I'm ready. He has no idea what could have happened to me so he's patiently waiting for me to confide in him. I let the sound of his heartbeat and the gentle motions of his hand in my hair calm me to the point where I have no more tears to cry. I lift my head slightly to glance over at the clock again to notice that we've been like this for over half an hour. Yuki must be worried sick and that's the last thing I need to happen.
I slide from Hiro's lap and reach my hand over to grab the phone that's sitting on the end table. He just looks at me while I try to dial the number to the home Yuki and I share so that I can tell him that I'm safe and at Hiro's place. I hold the receiver to my ear after a few failed attempts at dialing the right number; my eyes are still blurry from all the crying. After the second ring Hiro grabs the phone from my hand and waits for Yuki to pick up. I just stare at him as he explains to my lover that I'm at his place now and that I might not be home until tomorrow. There's a moment of silence on both ends before Hiro reassures Yuki that I'll be fine and that he won't do anything inappropriate with me. Yuki should know by now that I would never willingly cheat on him.
Hiro finally hangs up the phone and looks at me. "I didn't think you're in any condition to talk. Besides, you'd just worry him even more." Hiro stands up after a few seconds and reaches out his hand to me. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up." I accept the outreached hand and let him pull me into a standing position and leads me into the bathroom. I look in the mirror and notice that my face is pink and puffy; not a pretty combination. He grabs a washcloth and begins to clean my face for me. Sometimes, I swear Hiro is like my mother.
"Do you wanna take a shower?" Again, Hiro-okaa-san is trying to replace my real mom, but another shower does sound nice.
"Yea, that sounds good," I say in a small, cracked voice. It would be great to let the water wash away some of my pain. He steps out to grab an extra towel and something clean for me to put on. When he comes back I've stripped down to my boxers and have the water running for the shower. He sets the towel and clothes down and asks what I want to eat. Despite being hungry I have no appetite so I decline his offer to cook for me. All I want right now is a hot shower and some rest to forget about all the happenings of this day.
As soon as I step out of the bathroom fresh from my shower I'm confronted with one of my greatest fears. Sitting in the living room chatting with Hiro is none other than my precious Yuki. Normally I would be ecstatic to see my best friend and my boyfriend getting along and having a nice conversation without keeping up appearances for my sake, but now is not the time for me to see Yuki. I'm just standing in the hall, both men in my sight but I'm completely out of theirs, watching them discuss what might be wrong with me. Seems like they only like each other when they both have to worry about me.
I finally leave the safety of the shadows to join them in the living room. Yuki is sitting down drinking tea while Hiro is standing near the kitchen; he's probably cooking for me because something smells so good. My head is down and I tug at the ends of the shirt the Hiro lent me that is obviously too big for my slender, petite frame. I want to just run into Yuki's arms and cry myself to sleep but I don't want to have to tell him about what's going on. I glance up and notice the sadness and worry that's in his eyes. All of this is for me; the pain, the concern, and the other raw emotions that one would never, ever see in the eyes of the infamous Yuki Eiri.
"You didn't have to come Yuki," I say in a voice so small that I'm not sure if I even said anything. But I must have because Yuki responds by walking over to me and wrapping his arms around me, tears threatening to fall from his beautiful amber eyes.
"I'm sorry Shuichi. I'm so sorry." I'm dumbfounded as he says these words. What could he possibly be sorry for? He didn't do anything and even if he did, he never apologizes and would never conceive of doing so in the presence of anyone other than me, Tohma and maybe his siblings. But all I can do is return his hug and cry into his chest; the warmth of his body soothing and frightening at the same time. I don't want him here, yet I don't want to let go for fear of him leaving me again to never return.
"Why are you sorry, you didn't do anything?" I whisper into his shirt after a few moments of intolerable silence. I don't know why he's acting this way towards me but it's frightening. Yuki never shows his emotions so this is scary and I don't know how to react.
"I'm sorry because I couldn't protect you."
"From what? You're always there for me Yuki." I'm choking on my words hoping that he isn't talking about what I think he is. I don't want him to know what I've had to do to protect the both of us. I hope he didn't find out about all the perverse activities I had to participate in order to keep both our secrets quiet. I look over to Hiro who looks like he's about to cry, the dinner oblivious to him; luckily he turned off the burner or else the kitchen would be on fire by now.
"I found the envelope Shuichi." Yuki's voice pierce through my soul, crushing it and making me want to sob harder. "I saw the pictures and read the note." Now I push away from Yuki, the breath leaving my body as I gasp for air. I step away from my lover and my friend, but I only end up hitting a wall. I wrap my arms around myself as if that will give me the comfort I so desperately need at this moment. Before I realize it, I've slid down the wall and am now sitting on the floor, my face buried in my knees.
"Gomen Yuki, gomen." I know that Yuki will never look at me the same way again. Not only does he know about what I have to do with Aizawa, but he also saw some of the things I had to do when I was first assaulted by the jealous singer. Just thinking about that makes me want to disappear from his sight and hide under a rock until things get better.
"Shuichi." This time it's Hiro's voice calling my name in a soft voice, trying to coax me to look his way. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I know it's him, but I can't turn to look at him in the eyes either. "It's okay Shuichi. You know we're here for you, just let us to help."
"Demo…demo…" I can't finish my thoughts because there's nothing left for me to say. I'm a whore; it's just as simple as that. I could have asked for Yuki and Hiro's help earlier, but I didn't. I knew what I was getting myself into and I let it happen. There's nothing more to say.
I let myself be pulled into Hiro's warm embrace but I still keep my head down and refuse to look him or Yuki in the face. Hot tears continue to stream down my face and blur my vision so I barely notice when Yuki kneels in front of me, but he forces me to look in his eyes.
"Daijoubu Shuichi, we'll take care of this now." This is the first time in a long time that I've seen Yuki's eyes look so cold, so hard, so ruthless. I'm almost afraid to ask what he will to do rectify the situation. I don't know why he's even bothering to do this for me; I put myself in this situation. When he stands up to walk away I reach out my hand and grab the leg of his pants; there's no way I'm going to let Yuki do anything that will get him in trouble.
"Onegai Yuki, don't. Boku wa… boku wa…" I did this so you wouldn't have to worry and you wouldn't have to face and relive your past. "I can handle it alone. I don't want you to get hurt." My voice sounds cracked and raw as I plead for him not to do anything stupid. Yuki would try to, and probably succeed at, killing Aizawa.
My lover just looks down at me wanting so badly to make the man who has reduced me to this pay, but he also wants to be here to comfort me and honor my request of letting me handle everything. But I know the look in his eyes says that he cannot stay with me while Aizawa is still out there.
"Nakano, look after Shuichi for me." With that said, Yuki walks out of the apartment to leave me alone, still in Hiro's arms. I can only stare at the door as I try to imagine what Yuki may do and hope that it won't result in any bloodshed.
So, whacha think? I know I'm evil and sadist so you don't need to remind me. Please review and let me know. I love feedback and it's the only thing that makes me write and finish my fics. I'll accept flames, cuz I know everything isn't perfect and I need to improve. Stupid, useless flames, however, will be forwarded to professors I don't like.
Notes:
1. Demo – But
2. Boku wa – in this context, it means "I will/can" (boku is a first person pronoun and can mean 'I'; wa is a sentence particle which marks the subject of a sentence)
3. Daijoubu – in this context, it means "It's okay,"
4. Onegai – "Please"