A/N: Finally, after soooo much time, here's the epilogue that I said I wouldn't write. I don't remember the last time I have ever had so much trouble writing anything, which is the reason why I didn't think I was going to write this. But after a lot of thought, consideration and reviews, I decided that I might as well try. Eleven attempts later, I came up with this. Over twenty pages of failed writing and I'm still not satisfied. So please review so I can edit or completely replace this chapter. I don't want to post crap, it makes me sad. Also, this epilogue is written in third person and I personally don't like to write in third person so constructive criticism is very much appreciated.
But anyway, on with the warnings. If you have a problem with M/M sex, mentions of rape, blackmail, drugs, death, and bad things happening to Yuki and Shuichi, then you don't have to worry cuz this chapter is relatively clean. In fact, it's probably PG or PG-13 solely based on language (not even too much of it) and the fact that it only mentions all of the stuff listed above and not in detail. Sorry to disappoint. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. I'm just borrowing characters for my own sick, twisted pleasures.
Blackmail Epilogue – Finding Closure
The sun kissed the horizon, signaling that a new day was just beginning with the promise of many things to come. A gentle breeze blew through the trees and grass, softly caressing all it touched with such loving care. All seemed still and quiet, with only the occasional rustling of leaves in the trees above. Not even the songs of birds could be heard, signaling that they were either still asleep or trying to catch that early worm everyone keeps talking about. It was as if all of Japan knew that the young man standing outside in such beautiful weather wanted nothing more than peace and quiet while he collected his thoughts. But then again, all cemeteries demand a calmness that can only be granted to the dead who are resting there.
Shindou Shuichi – lead singer of Bad Luck, lover to the famous romance novelist Yuki Eiri, and carbon copy of his idol Sakuma Ryuichi – stood in a quiet cemetery near the outskirts of Tokyo staring at the headstone before him as if it would suddenly come to life and answer all the questions that plagued his mind. It was a lack of sleep from his constant nightmares that brought him to the grave littered earth so early in the morning. Never once in his life – not for school, work, church, nothing – did the pink-haired singer every wake up so early, on his own, like he had today. However, he knew that he couldn't put this off any longer.
His eyes traced over every curve and stoke of the kanji that was carved down the front of the stone as if it held a secret meaning that could be discovered if stared at long enough. Shuichi had been standing there before the headstone for nearly an hour, his body frozen as if he were a stone angel guarding the soul of the man that lay buried beneath his feet. With weary eyes and a shaky hand he reached out to touch the top of the stone before his, testing to make sure that it was real and he was not living in a daydream or fantasy.
His hands ran across the cool, smooth stone, taking his time as if he feared it would bite him back if he weren't too gentle. Finally, the singer's hands traveled down the front of the headstone, his fingers tracing the kanji as his eyes had done earlier. It still seemed so unreal that the man whose name was on the stone was actually dead, gone and buried; his life nothing more than a collection of memories to be forever referred to in the past tense.
Shuichi couldn't stop his thought from lingering on what little he knew about the man buried under his feet or how tragically and violently he died as he pulled his hand back to rest at his side. The singer didn't even want to imagine the amount of pain and suffering the other man went through before finally taking his last breaths and slipping into an eternal slumber. Despite not being directly responsible for the untimely death of the unfortunate soul, Shuichi could help but feel a pang of guilt for being the cause of the man lying beneath the ground instead of safe and alive in bed.
The pop star turned around to look at the man who had given him a ride and was waiting so patiently for him to come back so they could leave the place that reeked of death and fresh cut flowers and grass. He wanted nothing more than to turn to the car, run inside and leave but Shuichi knew that he couldn't just run away, not after he had come so far.
"I can't believe that we're here like this," Shuichi said as he turned back around to face the headstone, his voice just above a whisper as if he were afraid of disturbing the slumber of all those who lay in their cold coffins. "I never really thought about death, especially about you dying. I don't know, maybe I just made you seem more powerful in my mind then you actually are.
"But here you are, six feet under and you still have some hold over me. Almost every night I have nightmares and I still blame myself for your death. But after a lot of thinking and talking with Hiro, you know what I realized? It's not my fault. You brought this all on yourself."
Shuichi lowered his head as he began to feel tears roll down his face and he made no move to stop them. His hands were balled up into tight fists held at his side, almost wanting to hit something or someone in order to release some of the anger and frustration he was feeling. With more strength and resolve he began to speak again, this time letting the pain and anger lace his voice.
"IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT YOU'RE DEAD!" Those words rang out through the cemetery, causing Shuichi's impromptu chauffer to jump slightly in the car, astounded by the raw emotions and sheer volume of the singer's voice. This was the first time he had heard Shuichi's voice since getting out of the car and it wasn't nearly as booming.
"Did you think you would get away with it all? You had me raped, you raped me, blackmailed me, threatened and assaulted Eiri and then you got what you deserved." The young star lifted his head up to the sky, his eyes trained on the clouds passing above him but not really seeing the white fluffy masses. He just needed to look at something – anything – other than the grave before him.
"After the first time, I thought you were just pathetic." Shuichi's voice was once again soft and lacking the anger it held before. "The only way you could stay on top is if you took me out of the game after completely humiliating me and reducing me to a cheap whore. Your cheap whore. But I got over it. It strengthened mine and Eiri's relationship, Hiro was there for me and I knew that it wasn't my fault. Sure I would think sometimes that maybe if I hadn't followed you that night or if I wasn't drinking, I would have gotten away and it wouldn't have happened. Heh, but you know what? You probably would have found another way to have them rape me. And that how I dealt with it, that's what allowed me to not blame myself and move on with my life; I couldn't have stopped it from happening.
"But when you sent those pictures… I knew that there was no way around it. You didn't have a couple of random thugs waiting to drag me out to a secluded area; there weren't people to hold me down and force to on my knees. You were only armed with pictures and a part of my past I wished and prayed I'd forget."
The pink-haired star looked down at the tombstone once again before speaking, his voice soft and choked as the tears continued their journey down his face. "You made me see what I did and allowed them to do. I didn't fight, I didn't scream and I didn't cry. Not because I liked it, but because I didn't want to give you the joy of seeing my pain. And I thought that maybe if I could handle that, I could handle your blackmail again. I had to protect myself and Eiri from your jealousy. I made the choice to go to that hotel but couldn't handle it. I felt dirty and disgusting and…and…I felt like everything you said about me was true. I didn't think I could face Eiri because I felt like such a slut and that I deserved all those things you did to me. Why? Because I let you do it. I didn't ask Eiri to fight for me or get Tohma to take care of everything, and that's what made me blame myself for all of this. But it's not my fault you were a sick bastard and used me like that.
"But now you're dead and I'm just realizing that it's your fault that you're dead. When I first heard about it, I couldn't stop thinking that if I hid the pictures better and if I didn't act weird then Eiri wouldn't have found out and you wouldn't be dead. No matter how much I hated you, and I still do – even if you are dead – but I would never wish death upon anyone. I wished that your dick would shrivel up and fall off but at least you'd still be alive. I just kept thinking I was a murderer, even if Seguchi-san was the one who shot you. No one would have gone over there if it wasn't for me."
Shuichi once again turned his head to face the car he had ridden in and its driver. His blond haired lover, despite looking very tired, kept his gaze on the pink-haired singer intent on giving him some moral support, even if it was from a distance. Shuichi smiled knowing that the once stoic, cynical man cared so much about him to not just be there for him, but to have nearly killed the man whose spirit he was talking to now.
"No matter what happened, what you did to me and made me do, Eiri was always there for me." Shuichi didn't even bother to turn his gaze from his lover as he continued to talk to the soul of the man who seemed to always haunt him. "He didn't hate me for what you made me do; in fact, he never wanted me to do any of it. He cared about me more than his reputation. He always came to help and save me from you even if it meant him getting hurt." Shuichi couldn't contain the renewed anger that he felt boiling inside of him as he turned to face the tombstone again, speaking through clenched teeth. "And you did hurt him. You nearly gave him a concussion from that blow to the head, he had to be hospitalized for his ulcer and you almost did the same thing to him that you did to me. Heh, I couldn't even believe that he told me about it, but I guess I should be happy that he told me. Knowing him it probably slipped while he was a little too drugged up to realize it. His psychiatrist had to up his prescription when he started having nightmares again."
Shuichi held his head down and began to laugh. It wasn't the kind of laughter that conveys some sort of humor and joy but rather one that alerts the rest of the world that you're very close to a mental breakdown and truly believe that the fates are against you and that if there is a god in heaven, s/he must hate you. There were tears in his eyes and his small frame was trembling slightly with the force of his laughter. "For the longest time I blamed myself for that too. I thought that it was my fault for making him sick and reliving his past. That's what I had tried to protect him from but it ended up biting me in the ass. He kept telling me that it wasn't my fault but I refused to believe him. Hiro told me the same thing and so did Seguchi-san but I couldn't stop blaming myself.
"But now, I'm over that. They were right and it's not my fault. The only reason why any of this happened was because you hated me. You hated my talent, my success and you hated that I was better than you. If you never blackmailed me, Eiri wouldn't have gotten sick, so it's your fault. If you never took those pictures or if you would have just gotten rid of them, I wouldn't have had to do any of that stuff." The pop star couldn't help but cringe at the memory of the things he had to do in that cheap, dank motel room before he continued. "If you didn't do any of that stuff to me Eiri wouldn't have tried to kill you and if you would have left him alone, then Seguchi-san wouldn't have been the one to pull the trigger.
"You dug your own grave…oh my god, I can't believe I just said that." Shuichi shook his head, somewhat upset with himself for choosing such bad words. He almost wanted to laugh at himself but decided that it was just better to finish what he started. "Either way, you brought this all on yourself and I shouldn't blame myself anymore and I should just move on. I still have my life to live and a bright future ahead of me.
"So, now, I guess this is goodbye. Goodbye from this world, from my nightmares and goodbye from my life." With that said, Shuichi turned around and headed back towards his lover's car, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. He was able to leave all of his pain and self-blame with the man who had caused all of it. He had loosened the hold that the man he was walking away from had on him.
With a sigh of relief, Shuichi approached and enter his lover's sleek sports car, intent on leaving as soon as possible. The blond just sat there for a few seconds, looking at his lover, wanting to ask him if everything was okay but he didn't want to drop his façade of being an uncaring prick, even if it wasn't the time nor place. When the singer decided to not say anything after a few moments, Eiri took it as a sign that Shuichi didn't want to talk about it, at least not right at the moment. The novelist turned to face forward again and was about to start the ignition but something stopped him; it was the sound of Shuichi whispering so softly he wasn't sure if the other man was even talking to him at all.
"Did you say something," Eiri said, his voice low and dull. It was clear to anyone that the blond was dead tired and probably wanted to go back to sleep more than he wanted to leave the cemetery. He turned back around to look at his lover while bringing his hand over to move the younger man's face so he could look into the violet depths of his lover's eyes.
"I said that I can't believe it." Shuichi's voice was still soft and quiet as if he didn't want his lover to hear him for a second time. "I never thought that I would come here and get all of that off of my chest."
Eiri said nothing but instead leaned forward and laid a quick, soft kiss on his koibito's pink lips. He had been worried about his younger lover since this whole incident began. His worry even carried on after Aizawa was dead and buried, fear and guilt gripping his whole being for not being to quell his lover's fears and nightmares. If that wasn't bad enough, he had made himself sick all over again, something he had tried to avoid, and it nearly sent the pink-haired singer into a deep depression. Whenever anything bad happened to him, his lover couldn't help but blame himself even though it wasn't his fault.
Eiri lifted up his hand and gently stroked the side of Shuichi's face as he began to speak to the younger male. "I'm glad that you finally realize that you were the victim in all of this. I'm proud of you Shu-chan."
Shuichi just stared at his blond lover as if he had grown another head and was having a conversation with himself in French. This was the first time that the novelist had ever told him he was proud of anything he had done and accomplished. He continued to stare until he heard the sound of Eiri starting the ignition of the engine, the blond obviously not wanting to wait for Shuichi to make any attempt to form words from his hanging jaw. He was tired and wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible so they could both try to take a nap; Buddha only knew how much they both needed it.
"D-d-d-did you just say that you were proud of me," the pop star asked after finally snapping back to reality. He continued to look at his lover but it was now less of a surprised, gaping stare that could rival a dumb fish.
"Yeah, I said something like that about five minutes ago," the blond replied, too tired to say anything more sarcastic and besides, he needed to be nice to his young lover now anyway. He glanced over at Shuichi, trying not to keep his eyes off the road too long since was barely in any condition to be driving. The younger man was smiling and could barely keep from bouncing up and down in his seat in sheer happiness. Eiri was being nice to him even though he was sleepy which would usually put him in a very bad, evil, keep-talking-to-me-and-I'll-kill-you-slowly mood.
Maybe the blond was changing and it was all for the better. Shuichi laughed to himself slightly as he thought about the reasons behind his lover's transformation; Aizawa Taki. It was very true that the lives of both men in the car were forever changed by the jealousy and hatred of the once talented rival singer, and some of it was a change for the better.
Maybe the old sayings were true and that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Both Shuichi and Eiri had overcome many hurdles in their lives and relationship and they were better for it. Eiri was nicer to his young lover and their relationship deepened. It was even evident in the way the novelist allowed his koibito to call him by his given name, a luxury generally given only to family. The blond had also proved that he would go to any lengths to protect the younger man, throwing caution, his own safety and health to fate to be dealt with at a better time.
Knowing this made Shuichi's heart swell with joy as he leaned over to lay his head on his lover's strong shoulder, content with the simple contact. Eiri made no effort to push the pink-haired singer away from him. He shared his lover's smile and they continued to drive home in silence, allowing their thoughts to fill the void, knowing that the other was probably thinking about similar things.
"I love you Eiri. So much that you'll never know."
"I know exactly how much you love me, brat."
'And I love you too.' Those words didn't need to be spoken but both men know that they were in Eiri's heart, even if they didn't flow from his lips. They both knew that actions spoke louder than words and Eiri's actions would forever resound in Shuichi's mind as clearly as the blond's words would.
With that in mind, Shuichi allowed himself to nod off, still leaning against his lover. There was now nothing to weigh heavily on the singer's heart and mind to keep him up so he let himself slip into a light slumber knowing that his dreams would not be haunted by his past or the dead for he had finally found the closure that he so desperately needed and deserved.
A/N: Yay, all done. Did you like it, hate it, think I should work on another one and replace this crap? Sorry about having some of Shuichi's thoughts all over the place, but then again, he's all over the place. Also, who thinks straight at a time like that?
So, I hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I enjoyed reading it. Now I won't feel so bad about working on my other fics so I can finally post them (I'm in the middle of two Yami no Matsuei fics that have been begging to be posted). Don't forget to review so I can fix this epilogue and also just for my own personal growth as a writer. And like I said before, I don't like writing in third person unless it's a paper for one of my classes so I need to improve. Don't let me write crap! Correct, criticize me, flame me, something. Just let me know that someone's actually reading.
But anyway, keep an eye out for me and maybe I'll write something less demented and angst-y (won't happen anytime soon cuz the 2 fics I'm working on now just scream 'mean and evil'). Hopefully, you'll hear from me again soon.
-- KuroiShinigami