Sara answered the door in the afternoon to find Grissom standing on the doorstep with both hands in bandages, one blood stained and the other stretching over his entire forearm.
"Shit, Griss, what happened?" She gaped, letting him inside. He walked straight past without answering her. Catherine was hanging back a bit, outside her car, and Sara's gaze turned to her, questioningly. "Cath?"
"He's not feeling too good right now, Sara. Look after him okay?"
Confused, Sara nodded. "Do you want to come in?"
"Oh, no thanks. I should get back to work. I might drop in later and check up on him," She pointed down the hall to where Gil had disappeared.
"Okay. See you, then."
Once Sara had closed the door to Catherine pulling out of the driveway, she followed Grissom to his bedroom. She knocked twice, but there was no answer. When she opened the door he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands, although a little tenderly because of the bandages. Sara walked lightly over to the bed and sat down next to him, wanting so much to touch him, simply by putting a hand on his shoulder or leaning against him. She wanted to let him know she was there but she had never initiated such intimate gesture with him and was unsure of how he would react.
Eventually Grissom broke the silence. "I screwed up."
"What? Oh-no, no you didn't. I'm sure you didn't. What do you mean you screwed up?"
"I lost control where I should have kept my head. And in doing so, have jeopardised the respect of our colleagues at the lab and their faith in my ability to work right now." He sighed, simply listing the facts. His voice was steeped in disappointment at himself. "Ecklie will have a field day."
Sara had to smile a little wryly at his comment, but sobered upon his weary expression. "I know we have reason to dislike him, but he isn't stone cold. He'll understand."
Gil didn't answer to that, merely dropped his chin again, staring at his shoes.
"I can't live with it, Sara."
"Live with what?" She froze, afraid of what he might say next. "Me?" Sara added, in a small voice. Grissom paused, analysing his own thoughts, and she dreaded her fear might actually become reality. Whether she liked to admit it or not, she had adapted to needing somebody there. She doubted whether she could bear returning to an empty apartment, alone, with nobody to chase her nightmares and fears away.
"No. I…I can't live with what he did." They didn't need elaboration as to who 'he' was. "What he did to you. I can't bear to see that every day, Sara. I can't stand away and spectate."
Sara was panicking. "So, so what, you're going to kick me out so you don't have to?" Her voice was accusatory and threatened, rife with a hurt sense of betrayal. She was losing control of her emotions, she knew, as tears slipped down her face.
"Y-you think that's okay, is it? Well maybe in your world it is but you can't hold me for weeks and then drop me. You can't just kick me out! I-I feel safe here! I couldn't sleep but with you I don't get raped every night over and over by an imaginary Adam Trent! You, you – I trust you Grissom, but y-you can't expect me to if you keep doing this to me! What, are you suddenly afraid that you're breaking protocols again? Bit late for that isn't it? Why did you take me in? I feel safe with you – I don't care if I can never have anything more than just to be here I don't care I just- I can't-I can't-" But Sara's desperate cries were stopped abruptly by his mouth meeting hers. After a couple of long seconds the realisation hit her that he was kissing her, and she closed her eyes and ignored all the imaginary neon signs that were flashing around her telling her to pull back. She sank into it, and they both tasted each other for the first time, but their exploration was as shy as each personality and their kiss had no lust to it. Grissom's hand at some point cupped the side of Sara's cheek, his thumb brushing against the small spot just behind her earlobe and it sent shivers down between her shoulderblades. And all the while through her mind, Gil Grissom is kissing me, Gil Grissom is kissing me…
When they resurfaced Gil looked in her eyes with a slighly bemused expression, and Sara in his with a bewildered one.
"What…?"
"It was the only thing I could think of that would successfully quiet you." He grinned a little sheepishly at her slightly flushed expression, and realised they were both breathing a little shallowly.
"That better have meant more than a shut up." Sara warned, a little amused herself butperplexed all the same.
"I'm not kicking you out." Grissom sobered a little, his heart felt like it were ping ponging around his chest. He had to quell the urge to whoop as his mind sang out triumphantly, a kind of victory cry, You kissed her! You kissed her! You kissed her!. Then his previous trail of thought returned, after being swiped clean from his mind, and his mood fell a little. "I-I can't watch you go through this alone. If I'm going to do anything I want to…I want to be there with you."
Sara nodded, slowly, understanding what he had just proposed. Apprehensive of what that might mean in every aspect of her life, she pushed the worries to the back of her head and shot him a watery, shaky grin. "Kiss me again and then I'll decide."
And he did so, happily.
Later that afternoon they had fallen asleep on his bed, fully clothed and just content for that moment just to lie together in comfort. Grissom slept soundly, snoring quietly, for the first time in days. For then, the rages of Adam Trent couldn't permeate his thoughts. Happiness and contentment had rendered him impervious to hate just then. He decided he would face it later, and let sleep consume his tired body.
Sara sighed, a deep, shuddering breath. It was a shaky start to a no doubt shaky relationship, she knew. Neither she nor Gil would ever win nobel prizes for social ability. Her with her past, shadowing every move she made, and him with his inadequacy around others. And then there was the more recent events. She trusted Grissom wholeheartedly and felt as if she were moving on, but it wasn't her. He obviously had some issues to get over, and she knew she could be the only person that could help him through them. It felt weird, thinking of them helping each other through what they would have previously gone through alone. Why didn't we do this before? Sara asked herself over and over, secretly knowing an irrational answer but not understanding it in full. She took a deep breath, soaking up his uncategorisably Grissom-like smell, and sank back into his embrace falling into a comforting sleep.
"Hey, Sar." Nick smiled warmly at his friend, trying to quell any urge to hug her or let any compassion seep into his voice. They'd all pretty much kept their distance after the rape, burying themselves in work and occassionally kicking proverbial walls together over the monster that had ruined their colleague. Nick and Warrick had spoken of their joint almost shame at what their gender could do, had calmed each other in moments of blinding rage, and assure each other that she would eventually be okay. Unsure of what they could do to help, they did what they knew to be safe – and gave her space and time. Grissom was there for her, they reasoned. And Catherine was there for Grissom.
He'd missed her, though. Her wry voice and slight sarcasm, her sense of humour. What she put into her job.
"Hey," She replied, a little reserved, nervous to be back at work after all that had happened. The last time she'd walked into the lab had been the same night that…I don't need to think about that now.
"Hey Girl," Warrick joined them, coffee cup in one hand, the other reaching out to give Sara a hug. "How you been?"
"I've been better, thanks." Sara shrugged.
"I bet." Warrick gave her a compassionate look and acquiesced.
Catherine and Grissom arrived at the same time, and Sara knew they'd been pep-talking. She shook the idea that that she wasn't ready for work, and sat down at the new break room table with the others.
"Right, guys, we got some easy cases tonight so let's get them over with. Nick, Rick, you two have a robbery at a convenience store just off Fremont. Greg, you're with Catherine, you two are at a suicide case in Henderson. Guy shot himself, apparently. Sara-" Grissom turned to look at her after the others. "You're with me, heist at the Oval. Nothing high profile."
The other four left and Sara shot Grissom a look. "Don't go easy on me, just cause I was off for a while."
"I'm not." He replied, walking round the table to stand next to her. "Let's go."
After shift they were sitting in Grissom's Yukon at traffic lights, lost in their own thoughts, when Sara spoke up.
"Can you take me home?" She asked, a little tentatively.
For a moment Griss was puzzled. "That's where we're going, right?"
"No, I mean, my home."
"Okay." He took a left and quickly formulated a route to Sara's apartment from their current location. Once he was on the way, he asked her why.
"I miss it. I feel…I feel Sara-esque now, enough that I can handle being in my old life again."
"You sure?"
Sara nodded. It hurt to think that she'd changed any, but she knew she had. The lights of Las Vegas passed the tinted windows, bright and blinding, and she concentrated on them in the silent drive to her apartment. It wasn't long before Gil pulled into the drive of the complex.
"I'm just going to go up and get some stuff, I'll be back soon." She explained, before getting out of the car. She ran up the stairs and lifted the buddha just on her doorstep to get her spare key, and then stepped inside. It was the same as it had been three weeks ago, just with another layer of dust on top. Sara had left the place a little messy, and she walked in and sat down, staring about the room as if normality were facing her once again. She knew she couldn't sweep this under the rug, nor could she forget Griss in her haste for everything to return to as once was. Since that kiss in his bedroom, they had both seen each other in new light, but had timidness towards those feelings anew as if they were some sort of taboo, forbidden. Grissom had laid his hand on the small of her back here, she had reached out on his shoulder there, small, intimate gestures made but otherwise everything had been just as was, only a little closer.
Sara was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice him approach through her open door.
"Penny for your thoughts?" She jumped and turned at his voice.
"God! Griss! I didn't hear you-" Sara caught her breath and looked back to her thousand mile stare at a forensic journal on the coffee table. "Just thinking about, well, stuff." She didn't feel like wording her musings.
"That much I figured." He sat down next to her on the sofa, putting his hand on her knee. "Ready?"
"Well….I kind of felt like staying awhile. Breakfast? I can make frittatas…I've got some beer in the fridge…"
Gil shook his head no. "Thank you, but I had enough at the lab. Why don't I get you something? You look pretty tired."
"I think I'll pass, too. I feel pretty tired." Sara said, yawning on cue. She lay back against Grissom's shoulder and he found himself tracing her forehead, fringe to temple to ear with his fingers. Without precidence, Sara sat back up and planted her lips on his. And in moments they were kissing again, except this time her intentions were clear. Grissom felt a new lease of life and kissed her back, hands spreading to cradle her back. His left hand passed over her bra strap and she broke the kiss, looking into his eyes wildly. "Shall we?"
"Sara…" He almost stopped her but this time he was mercy to his body and her own pleading look. This was what he had to do, he now knew. So he let her lead him into her bedroom and then he was unbuttoning her shirt, both attached at the lips. Devoid of clothing apart from underwear, he pulled her onto the bed where they made out deeply and passionately. Grissom slid his hands down her stomach but stopped just above the lining of her pants, hand flat on her smooth skin. He broke the kiss and looked into her eyes this time, searching for any uncertainty. On finding none, he whispered, "You sure you're ready to…?"
Sara swallowed and nodded, smiling apprehensively. She took a deep breath and then looked into his eyes as he slid her pants off and slid his fingers over her. His touch was light enough to give her shivers and she moaned softly into his mouth, pulling apart to breathe, she closed her eyes and leant her forehead against his. "Griss…" She breathed as he pulled her close to the edge, and then he kissed her again before lowering himself down her neck, planting featherlight kisses on her collarbone to her breast bone, taking off her bra and discarding it. She sucked in a breath through her teeth as his mouth landed on her breast and then down her stomach. His tongue was on her hips and she shuddered. "You okay?" Grissom whispered, and she nodded, laying back, one hand laced in his peppered hair the other grabbing the sheets, gathering them as she clenched her fist. She came close to the edge a few times but each time he teasingly stopped and then he crawled back up the bed and threw the covers over them. Sara slid her hands down his back and removed his boxers.
"God, Sara... I don't have…I don't have my toothbrush."He murmered, stammering.She could tell he was fighting off waves of ecstacy, and she laughed a littleat the statement and its odd timing, and he thought how akin to music it was. "So-" She kissed him again, giddy with a combination of breathlessness and desire. "Use mine."
"I eat meat…"
"I don't care…" Sara hummed, carelessly, smile wide. She was going to make love with Grissom, why on Earth would she let a toothbrush stop that?
"God-okay-" He cursed softly as her hand closed around his length. In one quick move he took control of the situation again, hand cupped on her breast, straddling her and sliding himself inside of her. She gasped as he began to move and he caught her lips again, eager to taste her even just once more. Grissom had never felt so happy, he thought. Sara tilted her head back, eyes closed, pushing into the pillows as they both neared their climax. When he came, he whispered her name into her neck, lips pressed against her skin so she could feel his hot breath as he said "Sara…". She let out a deep breath as her body arched and suddenly noticed she had been crying, the tears running from the corners of her eyes down the sides of her cheeks and onto her earlobes. "Griss-" She breathed, and they were both breathing shallowly.
"God…Sara…what's wrong?" She turned her face and wiped the tears away. Grissom pulled out of her and lay one hand on her hips and the other, holding his body up by his elbow, on the side of her cheek.
"Nothing, nothing, I just…" She gave him a watery smile. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," He smiled back, warmly, kissing her again. "God, I love you."
He kissed her on the neck again. "I love you so much." His mouth was on her breastbone and she could feel his voice vibrate through her bones, and nothing thrilled her more.
"I love you, too." She sighed, and they fell asleep, sweat-slicked bodies intertwined. Sara's dreams were filled with deep, blue eyes filled with love just as the sea with water.
Ahhhhhhhad to happen some time, eh? Where to from here? I'm only the chauffeur in this wild, angst ridden ride! Hope that hasn't made this into some cheap romantic fic. Okay who am I kidding? it was to start with, lol. Hope you liked though; finally got some GSR in there! mutanthorse, (i think that was it) you are so right, Adam's fingernails were bitten down to the tread, soo I'll just pretend it was the scabs :S see I don't think of the details. I need a beta! Anybody GSR-angst-drama-wit hungry enough to beta for me? I do tend to run with themes but I'm trying to expand my horizons. Anyway I hope everyone liked this chapter, I know it took ages (sorry), thanks to all you jolly souls who reviewed (want to be a jolly soul? pleasepush the mauve button, you know you want to...! please don't make me beg! I need to know what I'm doing wrong...and what I'm doing right hehe). Love it or hate it feedback would be lurvely; but with hate mail, please write with a purpose. I can't improve if I don't know what needs improving, eh? Though I know a lot needs to be improved here!
Oh gosh I'm rambling. Got to blaspheme less too. Hence the gosh. Right off to bed before I kill you lovely tolerant people of just plain boredom.
Keep writing and happy readingfrom Mochaccino Girl xxx