Thanks to Gord and V and Haldir's Heart and Soul for your comments.
Erestor had a lover once. Long ago, when the world had felt young, though it hadn't been then, when the Elven kingdoms were still intact, and wars seemed so common. It had been his first love, a very short fling of ten years. His lover had been younger then he, he vaguely remembered that, though could not recall the color of his hair or eyes, even if he felt he had known once.
He hadn't thought of him in so long, though the faint memory had been dear to him in the way all first loves were. It was strange, how distant it felt after so long, how faded that memory was.
The only reason he had even thought of it at all, was because Lindir somehow reminded him of that first love. He wasn't sure if it was a look or a gesture the younger elf had done. Merely something… just reminded him.
It was such an odd thought, at such a time, when Lindir was curled against him on the bench just outside the main doors of Imladris. His body was so warm, so seemingly delicate against his own, and he couldn't help but thank the Valar for the chance to hold him.
It had been several months since their first kiss. The air was growing cold; winter would soon be upon them, though like all Elves, neither felt it.
Linder's head was tucked beneath his chin, eyes closed as the younger listened to the world, and to his heartbeat, while his arms stayed tight around him, listening as well, to his breathing, to the wind.
Things were rarely so peaceful, even in such a place as Imladris. There always seemed to be life, laughter, the sound of working. Yet, in the early morning, as they sat there, it seemed there was only them.
And he was thinking of a love he couldn't remember. He couldn't even think of why it had ended…
"Erestor?" the word was so soft, but instantly caught his attention.
"Yes, Lindir?" even as he spoke, he felt the other shift in his arms, that head tilting to kiss his chin, before moving up, touching his jaw with petal soft lips, further, taking his lips. He allowed it, embraced the feeling, returned it whole heartedly.
The last few months, they had grown closer. Any free time they had, they spent together, or near each other if the other was working. Most of the time, Erestor would have Lindir in his office even as he worked on his official documents, and as always, when he was done and Lindir wasn't, he would be in the Hall of Fire, listening to him practice.
Hesitant emotions had turned into more, had breathed into a life that revolved around them two alone.
Glorfindal was still irritating him about that, about how the world disappeared for the two, or at least for Erestor, whenever they were together. He had fended off his teasing, had abruptly stated that he still served Imladris first, and that Imladris was always first in his thoughts.
That had received nothing more then a knowing smirk and a quipped word of, 'So when are you going to seal?'
He hadn't even thought of it, he wouldn't, not until he received some sign of Lindir wanting such. Even then, he wasn't sure he himself was ready for that. Not in such a time, when even the lives of Elves were uncertain. They were not actively at war, but the Enemy was still there, still waiting.
For now, this was enough. Spending what time they could together, these quiet moments. Even if there was an ache to never let go, to wake every morning to him, rather then have to wait till they broke fast to see each other. To feel him beside him at night, and know he was there.
At least the dreams had stopped haunting him. He assumed it was because he finally had gotten what he wanted, for the most part. They were together, he could touch Lindir whenever they were together.
Of course, it hadn't gotten that far yet, as the dreams had. But he wasn't worried about.
Though, something tugged at him, that remembered moment during that dream the night before they had gotten together, when Lindir had looked to him with those dying eyes and breathed his apologie...
"Erestor?" the voice was a little concerned, breaking through and bringing his gaze down to those brilliant green eyes he knew and loved so well now.
"Forgive me, something occurred to me," he didn't want to truly confess what it was, he didn't want to worry Lindir, or have him consider him somewhat odd for such dreams.
"What?" was the slightest prod, that slender body pulling just enough away to state that Lindir wasn't going to let it rest.
"It was nothing, I was just reflecting on us," that was the truth.
"Yet?" he was starting to wonder if Lindir knew him better then he thought.
It was a bit thrilling to imagine, and yet a bit off putting at the moment. He kept his silence, considering what to say, how to divert the topic. Nothing however, was coming to mind as those eyes continued to bore into him.
"Perhaps... if I told you something , you'll tell me?" was the soft offer.
That took Erestor off his guard a bit. He knew he didn't know everything about Lindir, such his past, and he was always eager to learn everything he could of him. But was the trade worth it? He wasn't sure.
Seemingly taking his silence as either an agreement, or deciding to force the issue, Lindir continued, gaze steadfast, even though his skin flushed, "I've always loved you. Ever since that day I arrived here. Admittedly, its changed... first I loved you as my savior, then as I grew older, into this... But I knew, from the moment I looked up from the muddy earth, to your face, into your dark eyes, so warm and concerned... I knew I loved you."
The confession drained what thoughts he had away, leaving him only able to stare for a long moment, until Lindir looked away at last, courage faltering.
"But what of..." Erestor eventually stammered out, unable to believe it. It was what he had desired, but it seemed so unreal.
"Feadin was a friend, a very dear friend. He sought to fill my longing when I believed you unattainable. You didn't seem interested... So I thought my heart could be changed. In the end, after his death, I realized that was not so, and so rejected any other advances. When you finally did come to me..." his head bowed, "I admit to being afraid. That you were merely concerned for my health, and as Feadin did, merely sought to help my longing, not knowing it was you that I loved... I feared you would turn away again, once things seemed alright, and so kept up this sense of courting."
That seemed to unfreeze Erestor's tongue, and he lightly reached to touch his chin, turning his face to him, "Did you think so little of me?"
The minstrel's gaze met his, "No, I thought everything of you, that you were perfect for so long. Just... so...untouchable because you were so. I didn't deserve you, despite my desire. I thought you were granting me a kindness, not knowing it would break me."
A slightly sad smile, before Erestor's hand moved to cup his cheek, "I am far from perfect, Lindir. I hope you realize that, and that I offer you no kindness in this, merely my own selfish desire to be with you."
That flush brightened again, warming the skin under his touch further, "I know. I know that now, after spending time with you."
"Good. Because I promise you, I have had such feelings for you for some time, it just took me a while to look and realize it," Erestor assured, leaning in to lightly take his lips, kissing him tenderly.
Lindir's gentle but firm hands reached for him, tugging him closer as he wrapped his own arms around him, pressing body to body. Eventually, Erestor found his fingers trailing down, slipping under Lindir's soft tunic, touching warm skin. The younger moaned, pressing closer yet, taking all his air hungrily as he caressed over bare flesh.
"I dreamed of touching you this way," Erestor whispered, as they pulled away a little, pausing as Lindir's lips moved to touch his jaw, slipping down his neck a bit desperately, "That's what I was thinking of, those dreams..."
Lindir paused then, just a little, "You seemed troubled."
"It was just one dream..." Erestor's hands moved to rest at his hips under his shirt, "The night of your collapse. It was like this... and then suddenly you stopped, and asked for forgiveness... Really, it prompted me to confess to you, among other things."
Something in Lindir's face seemed to close, as the minstrel looked away, slipping out of his grasp. Frowning in mild confusion, Erestor reached for him again, only for the other to shy.
"What is it, Lindir?" faint fear came to Erestor, that perhaps he shouldn't have confessed.
"It's nothing, just the thought of work prompted me to remember that I have a performance tonight," a weak smile, before Lindir stood, "Shall I see you tonight?"
It was so sudden, Erestor wasn't sure what to think, "Of course, but Lindir..." he started to stand when the younger stepped away.
"Tonight, Erestor," was the soft, almost plea, before with a sharp turn, the minstrel practically fled.