Letters Read

But all I have is your letter read
And I cannot get it out of my head
And I'm afraid, and I can't breathe,
And I'm in love with you
But you are not with me
And I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie

Rachael Yamagata, "Letter Read"

There were few things she didn't need a calendar to remember: Rory's birthday, her own, her parents' anniversary, and the day Luke had kissed her on the porch of the Dragonfly.

She supposed she could add the day he left Stars Hollow to the list as well.

When Rory had presented her with tickets to her graduation from Yale, Lorelai's throat constricted and her hands began to shake on seeing that date—May 20th—embossed in gold.

"I thought maybe you had forgotten," Rory had soothed. Lorelai shook her head, knowing her daughter meant well, but realizing it wouldn't matter how long ago, it still hurt as much as it had the day he left.

In two years so much could have happened. Maybe they would have been living together or even had a child. But no, Luke had been himself, withdrawn; Lorelai had been herself and made mistakes. Things had escalated; Luke had walked out her door in frustration and hadn't bothered to come back.

She wished she could say she hadn't had any contact with him, but whenever he seemed to be in an especially forgiving mood he would send her a note or a card, once or twice an email. She'd received the first of these the July after he left, when things were still fresh.

It had been an unusually hot summer in Connecticut and the paper felt limp in her hand as she sank down on the porch stairs to read it.

"Lorelai," he had scrawled, looping the L loosely like he had seen her do so many times.

Obviously I can't begin to apologize for what I did, so I won't. The diner won't close as of yet. Caesar will run it until we're out of supplies and even then, I've already signed a contract for the next two years. No one will buy me out and if Taylor tries, you have my permission to throttle him.

The middle of nowhere isn't as bad as I thought. Lots of time and quiet for me to think.

Take things one day at a time, Lorelai; You are a strong person and you'll be okay.

My love,

Luke

That had been it. No explanation, no return address, no promises of return or that one day they could try again. It had taken Lorelai several tries to make it all the way through without tears clouding her vision. The next had come in September, as Rory returned to Yale, then at Christmas and a note on her birthday. A similar pattern followed the next year.

Lorelai had started many a letter to him as well. She'd plead for him to return, tell him she was sorry, she needed him, wanted him, loved him even. Then there were the ones with the accusatory tone, but it didn't matter, they never got sent. Nowhere to send them to. They were creased and crumpled in a box under her bed.

Once he had said something about a town in Maine. The only clue.

She wasn't sure she had even looked at another man since then. She couldn't bring herself to date but she kept busy with work, with her friends, Rory and whenever the house felt suddenly empty or she felt especially alone, she'd search out the Luke box. She pulled out the flannel shirt: the fabric soft and worn as she slipped it on, letting a part of him still be with her. He hadn't completely left, that's why she was so convinced he would return.

The sun was bright and Lorelai squinted as she made her way through the lush quads and looming bricks of academia. She'd spent all morning with Rory before the soon-to-be graduates were ushered off, gowns in hand. Lorelai had watched her daughter leave, deep in discussion with the girl next to her, not glancing back. Lorelai had shaken herself, swallowing the lump in her throat and briskly walking towards the main quad.

The lawn was packed and Lorelai was flushed, slipping off her sweater as she found her seat. She breathed a sigh of relief that her parents weren't here yet and tipped her face back slightly, closing her eyes as the sun warmed her skin. A shadow fell across her face and Lorelai scowled, peeking open an eye.

"Hey." She didn't recognize him at first, in the suit, but the five o'clock shadow and deep voice were easy to place.

Lorelai stared at him, convinced she was dreaming. He had cut his hair, the hair that had curled out from underneath his baseball cap. The curls that her fingers had naturally found when she kissed him. He was tanned and looked as fit as always. She couldn't breathe.

"Lorelai?" He waved a hand in front of her face. She couldn't—was she supposed to be overjoyed, envelope him in a hug, say she had missed him, cry, yell at him for leaving? She didn't know. This wasn't in the Gilmore Guide to dating.

"Hey," she settled, barely saying the words.

"Can I?" He motioned to the seat next to her and Lorelai nodded.

"What are you—I mean, how did—why?" She leaned forward a little, looking back at him, studying his face.

"I don't know." He dropped his gaze. "I'm not sure I can answer any of your questions. I got an invitation. How could I not come?" Luke replied seriously and Lorelai's heart fluttered in her chest. Luke had always loved Rory and had been protective of her.

"How did she find you? I never—I don't have your address. My best guess would be Maine somewhere."

"You'd be right." Luke shrugged. "I don't know either. Maybe she got someone to track down my emails."

"You and Rory—you emailed her?" All this time, she thought, still flustered.

"I sent you letters," he reminded her. And they made me miss you even more. "But yes, I emailed Rory on her birthday, holidays. She used to email me her news almost monthly. Less so recently, but then I got the invitation."

"I don't know what to say, Luke." Lorelai shook her head and glanced down as he looked at her, remembering how intense his gaze was. "I'm really glad you're here," she whispered and smiled at him.

He squeezed her hand. "Me too."

A thought struck Lorelai. "My parents will be here."

"Okay." No sooner were the words spoken than she saw her parents emerge from the crowd and move towards them. If they were shocked to see Luke, they didn't show it.

"Lorelai, who is this man--" Emily asked, obviously aggravated that Lorelai had brought just any man to her daughter's graduation ceremony. Her mouth fell open when she realized who it was. "Oh. Hello Luke."

"Hello Emily. Richard. How have you been?"

"I'd like to ask you the same." Richard responded rather sharply. "My daughter informed us that you had left town."

"Dad--" Lorelai stepped forward to stop him.

"It's okay, Lorelai. I deserve it." Lorelai silently agreed but she wasn't going to let Luke see that he had achieved any emotional reaction from her. Being stoic was his strong point, however, not hers. "I moved. To Maine. And I helped my sister out over the summer. I hadn't really planned on staying but I did and--" Liz knew, Lorelai thought.

"What did you do?" Richard inquired.

"I bought a cabin and you know, fished and camped and I don't know--"

"You fished and camped for two years? In the woods, by yourself?" Emily's questions eerily mirrored the ones in Lorelai's mind.

"It doesn't sound like much, I know. I just had to—I needed to figure out some things."

"Did you?" It surprised Lorelai that her mother was so interested in Luke's disappearing act.

"I don't know," Luke shrugged. "I haven't had a chance to test them out yet." Emily nodded, like she understood. She quickly spotted someone she knew and moved off to talk to them. Richard seemed extremely interested in his program all of a sudden and Lorelai realized it was for her benefit. But she was tired. She didn't want to do this here.

"It's hot," Luke complained, taking off his jacket and loosening his tie. "Do you think they have drinks here?"

"Water maybe," Lorelai shrugged. Luke stood up, brushing his hands on his pants.

"You want some?"

"Yes, please." Luke nodded and disappeared into the crowd. Lorelai watched him go, exhaled, and turned towards her father.

"I'm sorry, Lorelai," he apologized, looking up from the program and removing his glasses.

"I don't think I am, dad." She shot him a soft, apologetic smile and he nodded, understanding.

"You loved him?"

Lorelai tucked her chin to her chest, pretending to think, but not really having to. "Always," she breathed. "Apparently that wasn't enough."

"It will be. Don't doubt yourself, Lorelai." He told her seriously and Emily emerged from the crowd, sitting on the other side of her husband.

"Here you go," Luke's voice to her right surprised her and she took the plastic cup of ice water he held in his hand, already sweating in the heat.

Lorelai sipped her water, still trying to get out everything. She desperately wanted to call Rory or Sookie, somebody that would understand. But isn't it ironic, she thought, how the person who used to understand her—probably still did—was right next to her instead. Luke was right next to her. Her skin prickled as she let the thought settle. After he left, she had wallowed for almost two, three weeks—every night she expected to hear his tread on the stairs, his voice on the line—she guessed she still did. And now that she was sitting so close that if she moved her fingers ten inches she could hold his hand, Lorelai couldn't remember how she got out of bed, went to work, and proceeded with her life.

"Hope it doesn't rain." Luke commented, breaking her thoughts. She murmured something in reply and he turned to look at her.

"What?"

"There are these storms in Maine, just very sudden. The wind rolls in big, dark clouds and it pours, rains in sheets, lightening, thunder, everything. It's nice."

Lorelai is fascinated by this story for some reason, but she knew that wasn't Luke's intention. "That wasn't what you were going to say. What is it?"

"I'm just trying to make sure—maybe I shouldn't have come." Luke exhaled. "You're quiet. And you're never quiet."

"Well how exactly am I supposed to be! You show up here completely unannounced, with no word for two years—letters, yes, I know—but no calls and I'm supposed to be okay with it? Or did you envision me leaping into your arms?" She hissed at him. Luke was slightly surprised by her force and he glanced awkwardly around her to make sure Richard and Emily hadn't heard. Luke fidgeted in his chair and didn't look at her when he talked.

"No, Lorelai. I—I don't know what I thought. I guess this isn't the best time to discuss this."

"It should be starting any minute." Lorelai glanced at her watch.

He handed her a handkerchief. "I have tissues," she said simply. Luke nodded. "But thanks. Just…be prepared for the worst. I know you hate crying."

"I have a sister. It's not unheard of." Luke replied, his words swallowed by the music playing, signaling the start of the ceremony. Lorelai was just glad to have comfortable silence.

The ceremony was long, boring even. The keynote speaker was some dignitary or other and Lorelai could barely make out a word through the accent. She searched the sea of heads for one that looked like Rory, but she gave up after the second row. She flipped through her program, studying the names, finding the silly ones, the unpronounceable ones and the Joe Schmos. She traced her finger down the Gs, surprised at the swell in her chest just seeing Rory's name printed there: Lorelai Leigh Gilmore, B.A. English. Doing all these things she felt a pair of eyes on her and she knew it wasn't the man behind her who kept mumbling things to his wife. It was Luke. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, wanting to pull her curls up off her neck, but she knew her mother would hiss at her to leave it alone. Lorelai couldn't help it. The temperature seemed to have risen ten degrees, most likely because of all the bodies, which had also conveniently blocked any breeze. And they still hadn't started announcing the graduates. Lorelai rolled her eyes and shifted in her seat. Luke's proximity was such, that, even avoiding eye contact she could make out his movements. He loosened his tie, then tightened it back. She knew he must be dying. He hated suits and if she was about to melt in her dress, then she could only imagine how uncomfortable he was. He gave in and unbuttoned his cuffs, carefully rolling back each sleeve. Lorelai watched him peel back the cotton, revealing his tanned forearm. He noticed her watching him but he couldn't catch her gaze before she turned back to the front: the first row was standing up. Finally, she thought. A quick count revealed over 50 A names. She slumped back in her seat and she heard Luke chuckle. She glanced at him, a smirk playing across his face, and couldn't help but smile. She blushed under his gaze and turned back to the stage, fanning herself with her program.

In the masses of people after the ceremony was over, Lorelai rolled her eyes, exasperated and tried to avoid being pushed into Luke. How was she ever going to find—"Rory!" She called, seeing her daughter trying to peek around the family in front of her. "Ahhh! You did it!" Her daughter flew towards her, hugging her tightly. "I'm so proud of you, sweetheart."

"Thanks! And you were doing so well with the not crying thing," Rory kidded. Lorelai shook her head. Rory glanced behind her mother. "Oh my God! Luke! Did you know Luke was here, mom?"

"Yeah, I knew, sweets. We sat together."

Rory's eyes grew wide. "You did?" Lorelai just nodded, biting her lip as she watched Rory hug Luke and give him a kiss.

"Of course I came," Luke was saying. "I got the invitation."

"Will you come back to Stars Hollow with us? We're having a big party tonight." Lorelai hadn't seen Rory this excited since the first time Chris had visited them in Stars Hollow. She found it hard to breathe, watching her daughter with the best father figure Rory had in her life, who had helped her up from the sidewalk when she'd scraped her knee at ten, made her mashed potatoes when she had the chicken pox, had tried to protect her through her relationships with Dean and Jess. He had always been there. For both of them. And it killed Lorelai to think that it stopped there. They hadn't progressed any. It was still she and Rory, taking on the world, no boys allowed. She had always been fine with just Rory. Until Luke came along.

Luke glanced up at Lorelai. "Well, I don't know about that."

"Oh please, Luke. It's silly for you to drive all this way just to sit through this boring ceremony. You don't have to stay long, I promise."

Luke shifted, throwing his glance at Lorelai again. She nodded. Luke was coming back to Stars Hollow. She didn't know how she felt about that.

He stepped aside, letting Rory speak to her grandparents. "Is that okay with you?"

"It's whatever Rory wants, it's her day."

"You did an amazing job, Lorelai."

Lorelai blinked back tears. She knew, but it always overwhelmed her to have someone else confirm it—especially Luke.

They bid goodbye to the grandparents and strolled back through campus, Rory pointing out various landmarks to Luke. Lorelai walked along with her arms wrapped around herself, just observing. This was all too much for her: her daughter graduating and moving on from this place she had fallen in love with, where she had memories that didn't involve her mother, memories that were hers alone. And Luke, the man she had missed every day for two years, letting his would-be step-daughter show off all the places special to her. Lorelai wanted to grab his hand and do that too: take him to Sniffy's Tavern, to the porch of the Dragonfly in May, to the apartment above the diner to watch the Fourth of July fireworks, everywhere.

Somewhere in the back of her mind it registered that Luke had told them he would follow them back to Stars Hollow, but she brushed off his words as she stepped quickly to the Jeep, not wanting him to see the tears slipping down her cheeks. Rory got in, placing her diploma delicately in her lap and glanced up at her mom, her expression quickly melting from pride to shock.

"Oh mom," she whispered, reverent. "I'm so sorry. I should have told you I sent him a--"

"It's fine," Lorelai said hoarsely. "It's just a little much today. You're all grown up and I can't—and then Luke. I've just missed him." She was tired of keeping things hidden and allowed herself a few minutes, Rory trying to comfort her.

"Maybe he'll realize how stupid he was to leave. I know he's missed you, Mom." Rory soothed. "I'm so sorry. I just didn't think he would actually show up. And then I left you to deal with—and Grandma, what did she say?"

"No bloodshed, obviously." Lorelai was finally able to speak without wheezing. "She was okay, actually. She asked him a couple things."

"Where the hell he'd been?"

"Maine. Maine, Rory. It wasn't like he was in Africa or some war torn country. Two states away."

"I know." Rory said meekly.

"You knew? Oh right, cause you sent him emails. And that's another thing. When the hell did he get a computer? That's not a Luke thing to do, that's--"

"Mom? How about I drive so we're not sitting in New Haven when Luke gets to Stars Hollow and thinks we bailed on him."