Chapter 5 - The Date Swap

Dinner goes as excruciatingly painful as the salad course went. By the time we get our food, I'd do just about anything to get out of eating it. But then we go to the theater, where things can only get better. Two hours of no conversation, spent in the dark not having to pretend to be interested, Milkduds, and maybe some buttered popcorn. I don't get to the movies that often, but in my opinion, buttered popcorn is a must. The stale taste, the butter "flavoring," the orange salt on the countertop… that's what movies are made of.

Anyway, we get to the theater ten minutes before the movie starts, and what's his name buys our tickets. Then we go inside and get in line at the concession stand. There are only four people in front of us, but I immediately begin to worry that we're going to miss the previews, and everyone knows the previews are the best part. You can be pretty sure that most movies these days suck, but previews have a way of making just about any piece of crap look like it could be entertaining.

So, we're in line and my cell phone buzzes telling me I have a text message. It's from Josh, of course. I press read, and see, "Where are you?" This tells me he's either a: found a way to ditch Kelly-'ho and is now seeking to gain enjoyment from my misfortunes, or b: he's so incredibly bored on his date with Kelly-'ho that he's seeking to gain enjoyment from my misfortunes. Either way, it's my misfortune he's looking for.

I keep up idle chit-chat with what's his face and type in "Theater, you?" Let's face it; I'm seeking to gain enjoyment from his misfortunes as well.

What's his name is trying hard to decide between Goobers and Raisinetts, discussing the differences with me as though I've never been to a movie in my life. One is peanuts, the other raisins. JUST PICK ONE! Sorry, I'm losing patience.

My phone buzzes again as we move up in line. Only two to go and 6 minutes left. We're doing ok here. I check the message. "In line for tickets, don't go in without us."

What? What? What? I'm sorry, what? He's followed me to the movie theater? What the hell, what's his name is going to think he's stalking me. This is… wrong. Inexcusable. Sick. Unforgivable. Yet, here I stand at the concession stand with a huge smile on my face. I need professional help.

We just get to the front of the line when they walk in. "Donna, Mike, hey!" Josh yells from across the room as though he can't believe he ran into us here. My question is, how did he know this was the theater we were going to? I, of course, give him a glare. Can't let him know how happy I am to see him. It's part of our thing.

"Josh," what's his name says with a big smile on his face. He really is a nice guy. Completely boring, but a nice guy. "This is a surprise!"

"Yeah, what are the chances?" Josh says, stealing a glance my way.

"What are you guys going to see?"

"The Tom Hanks movie, you?" he asks as though he doesn't know.

"Same."

"What a coincidence," I deadpan.

Just then, the sixteen year-old concession worker with the red vest and pre-tied bowtie puts two medium pops, a box of Milkduds and a box of Goobers on the filthy, oily, salty, balled up napkin ridden, stray straws lying all over the place glass counter. "$11.50."

Josh turns to Kelly-'ho. "Want something?"

She smiles a down right freaky smile. It's like serial killer smile; I'm a little scared. "Bottled water."

"Add a large buttered popcorn, a bottled water, and a medium coke to that please," Josh says, handing the kid his debit card. Yay! Buttered popcorn!

"Uhh…" what's his face says, dumbfounded. He no doubt doesn't know how to handle another man paying for his date. Who would?

"Don't worry about it," Josh says, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. "You can get it next time." Ok, is it my imagination, or is Josh being genuinely kind to what's his name? I stare at him and he smiles big at me. Is it possiblethe last hour and a half has been so bad he's actually happy to have contact with any human, even Monotone Mike?

"Thanks, that's a plan," says Monotone Mike. Ok, just for the record, even if Josh double dog dares me, there won't be a next time.

Once Josh has paid the $21.25 for the garbage we're about to consume, we head into the theater. The previews haven't started yet, so I'm happy. We're walking down the isle when I feel a familiar hand on my lower back. I turn my head to glare at Josh, but he looks so cute. He's trying to balance the popcorn and his drink in one hand so the other one is free to be on my back. How do you get mad at that?

"Josh," I whisper harshly.

"Right, sorry," he whispers back, taking his hand off me. I really don't think he even realizes he does it.

We walk down a row near the back and head towards seats. What's his name goes in first, followed by Josh, then me and then Kelly-'ho, whose smile I'm still a little freaked out by. What's his name picks a seat and sits down, and Josh sits next to him and props his feet up on the seat in front of him. "Uh, Josh…" I say.

"Yeah?" he asks looking up at me.

"Um…" I say, gesturing to Monotone Mike.

"Oh, right," he says, smirking at me. "You'd probably like to sit next to your escort." Not really, but it seems like the right thing to do.

"If that's alright."

"Sure," he says standing up and giving me his seat. He then sits next to me and Kelly-'ho sits on the end, next to him. Just as the lights go down, the music gets loud, and the curtain opens on the screen, he leans in and whispers, "Just trying to give you an out."

I turn my head and whisper back. "You're just afraid to sit next to her."

"Yeah, that too."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

We're about a half hour into the movie when I feel something brush my left shoulder. Is Donna making a move on me? I mean, I'm all for it, but we're on dates, and not with each other. I look to my left and see Monotone Mike's hand resting on Donna's shoulder. What the hell?

What's happening here? Is he making a move on the mother of my children right in front of me? What should I do? Pick his hand up and move it off her shoulder? Challenge him to a duel? Take one of his fingers and bend it backwards until it breaks or he moves his hand willingly? I think about it for a minute and settle for bumping into Donna's side rather hard at an attempt to jar his hand from her.

"Ow!" she says pretty loudly.

"Oops," I say, but look at Monotone Mike's hand. He hasn't moved it. I wait a minute and try again.

"Ow!" she says even louder.

"Sorry." She responds by elbowing me in the side really hard and eating some of my popcorn.

"Ow!"

"Serves you right," she whispers, taking some more popcorn. I move it onto my left leg so it's easier for her to get to. Then I look over and notice his hand is still on her shoulder. I need something sharp.

After that, I try to sit still and concentrate on the movie, but I'm struggling. Between Donna reaching into my lap every minute or so and Monotone Mike trying to feel her up, the movie's the last thing on my mind. I keep glancing at it, trying to will it to move, but it's not working. Finally, I lean over to Donna. "Trade me places."

"What?" she whispers back, still looking at the screen.

"Trade me places."

"Why?" She's paying no attention to me whatsoever, but manages reach over and get more of the popcorn.

"Donna, trade me."

Finally she takes her eyes off the screen and glares at me. I can't really see her eyes, but I can feel them boring into me. It's a glare, I can tell. "Why?" she whispers harshly.

Instead of answering, I nod towards the hand on her shoulder. She just shakes her head and turns back towards the screen. What's going on?

I make it about another two minutes before I decide to take matters into my own hands. I get my cell from my pocket and stare at it as though I've got a call. Then I whisper, "hello… ok, hold on," into it. Then I stand up, grabbing Donna by the hand, and waive my cell towards what's her face and Monotone Mike. "Work, we'll be right back." They nod and go back to watching the movie.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Josh, what's going on?" I ask as soon as we're out in the hall. I know damn well his cell didn't ring.

"What's going on? That's what I want to know."

"Well, it's a movie about a guy…"

"Not that, and you know it. He's groping you in there and you're not doing a damn thing about it!" He's pacing back and forth in the 3-foot alcove we're in near the restrooms.

I try not to laugh, but really, groping? "He's not groping me, Josh," I say calmly.

"Not groping you? What the hell do you call that?"

"I call it a hand on my shoulder."

"Exactly!" he says loudly, stopping right in front of me and gesturing frantically towards my…breast?

"That's not my shoulder, Josh."

"But that's what he's aiming for!"

"What?" And why do I like that Josh is staring at my breast?

"Donna, don't you know anything about men and movie theaters?" I honestly have no idea what he's talking about, so I just stare at him. "In movie theaters, men start with the shoulder and work their way south to the…" he gestures towards my breast again.

"That's ridiculous." Actually, now that I think about it, that's pretty close to the truth.

"I'm a man, Donna, I know what's going on here."

"You're losing it, Josh. Now can we go back to the movie?" I ask, walking back towards the door.

"We're switching places."

"No we're not."

"Donna!"

"Josh!"

"Fine, but I'm keeping an eye on him and…"

"My breast?"

"If I have to," he says indignantly, putting his hand on my back and leading me back to our seats. I try to act put out, but I love jealous Josh, he's adorable.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

We're not in our seats very long when Monotone Mike makes his play again. Donna giggles a little bit, but I don't see what's so funny about it. Would it be too much to ask for everyone to keep their hands to themselves? What's her face and I are managing it just fine.

What happens next is not my fault and cannot be blamed on me. I just want the out there from the beginning. Not my fault. I'm attempting to concentrate on the movie when Donna reaches over and puts her hand on my thigh. Very high on my thigh. Very, very high on my thigh. In fact, it's not my thigh at all, if you know what I mean. When I feel this, I immediately stiffen. I mean my body, you pervert. Although, truth be told, yes, that stiffens too. And then we're sitting very still with her hand on my very alert… and we're both staring at the screen. And then she very carefully removes her hand and places it in her lap.

A good two minutes go by before either one of moves or says anything or maybe even breathes, and I finally move my head the slightest bit to look at her. She turns her head slightly my way and we're not quite facing each other. "Popcorn," she whispers.

Apparently she was reaching for the popcorn, which I sat on the floor when we left to have our little hand on breast talk. Unfortunately, from the waist down, I'm still pretty worked up about what just happened, so I'm not completely comfortable. I shift a little bit and pick up the popcorn from the floor. "Here," I whisper back.

"Thanks." She cautiously takes some and we're quiet again.

It's a few minutes later when I reach for the cup in the cup holder between our seats. I get it almost all the way to my mouth when she reaches for it while still looking at the screen. Once again, her aim is less than perfect, and her fingers graze my lips, causing me to harshly suck in air. She no doubt felt that. She eventually gets her fingers around the cup, and they tangle with mine, and suddenly the stiffening problem I had a few minutes ago is back, in both ways.

We slowly bring the cup down together, both of us staring at our hands. "That's diet," she whispers. "Yours is over there." She tilts her head towards the cup holder between what's her face and me.

"Right, sorry." Neither one of us lets go of the cup for a few seconds.

The next time she picks her cup up to take a drink, I put my arm on the armrest, trying to relax and get back to some semblance of normal breathing. It's also worth mentioning that although I've had my eyes glued to the screen, I haven't watched a single second of this movie since the hand in lap thing happened. Anyway, when she puts her cup back in the holder, she rests her arm on top of mine. Normal movie procedure for this is that whoever's arm was there first gets to keep the armrest, am I right? Or is it that the man always gives it up. I'm not sure, but suffice it to say that neither of us moves our arm. So we sit there for a few more minutes with her arm on top of mine, her hand resting on mine. Suddenly the breathing thing becomes even more difficult.

But the straw breaks the camel's back when my fingers spread a little bit, of their own accord, and hers slip between them and then her thumb starts slowly rubbing back and forth on the back of my hand, and that's when I reach back into my right pocket and pull out my phone again. "hello….ok, hold on." I stand up, grab Donna's hand, and wave my phone at what's her face and Monotone Mike, who nod and keep watching the movie.

We walk up the isle to the doors leading out to the hallway, and I turn around to find out what the hell's going on. "Donna…" That's all I get out because she has me pushed up against the wall just inside the theater doors and we're kissing and my arms are around her waist pulling her as close to me as I possibly can and her hands are around my neck and her fingers are in my hair and it feels incredible. Then our mouths are open and our tongues are in a perfect rhythm and one of us is moaning. I think it's me. In fact, I hope it's me, because the other one of us is making little squeaking noises, and I hope that's not me. And the stiffening problem, yeah, that's still there.

I push on her and suddenly I have her against something, another wall I guess, and my hands leave her waist and start rubbing up and down her sides, pulling her shirt up just a little as I go. My thumbs graze the sides of her breasts, and now were both moaning, and I swear I'm about to hike her very long skirt up and take her right here in the middle of the crowded theater when suddenly she's falling backwards and I'm falling on top of her and there's a rather loud thud and we land on something. Luckily, it's pitch black and no one can really see what's going on.

I stand up and pull her up with me and we look behind her at the huge theater trashcan that we've made out against and tipped over, which is just disgusting. Then I tug on her waist and we're back against the wall we started on and we're kissing again. Screw the trashcan.

"We've got to get out of here," I whisper when I'm finally able to tear my lips from her neck a few minutes later.

"We can't go, we have dates," she whispers back between bites on my neck. I'm finding it particularly hard to stand at this point, so I grab her face in my hands and bring her lips back to mine.

A while goes by before I'm able to speak again. "We can say there's an emergency at work," I mumble sucking her earlobe into my mouth.

"That would be rude," she moans. I must have her now.

"And this isn't?" I ask just before devouring her lips again.

"Good point," she sighs against my lips and kisses me some more. We break apart a minute or… ten later, and she tells me that we're going back to our dates. I whine, but she promises to make it up to me later. So, we head back in and sit down.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, that's not something I do everyday. You know, the going to a movie with one man and almost having sex with another during said movie thing.

Josh and I finally tear ourselves away from each other and head back to our seats. It's very hard to keep our hands from roaming, and I find myself wondering how long this damn movie is going to go on for when I feel it. Oh yes, what's his name has his hand back on my shoulder. This isn't going to go over well.

As soon as I feel the hand, which by the way, hasn't headed south towards my breast even one time, Josh's head snaps my way. I look over at him and put my hand on his knee to try to calm him, but he's freaking out.

"Donna…"

"Shh…"

"Donna…" a little louder. And then a miracle takes place. The music swells and the ending credits roll and I jump up out of my seat, dislodging the hand on my shoulder before my… I don't even know what to call him, beats the hell out of my date. Or at least tries to.

We gather our things, and I admit, I'm a little sad to see that we didn't finish the $6 popcorn, but seeing as how I'm going to be having sex in the very near future, I'm gonna let it go.

As soon as we're outside in the light, Josh makes an excuse that we're needed at work right away. We're trying to act very apologetic, but Josh has a smirk and his dimples, and he's swaggering, and I'm sure I'm blushing and smiling like I never have before.

What's his name offers to drop me off, but Josh is NOT having it. I don't think anything in the world is going to get him to agree to me being alone in a cab with this guy now. Especially not after the last shoulder incident. Then, what's his name offers to drop off Kelly-'ho for us so we can get into the office, and to my utter surprise, she doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Anyway, all that to say that I leave with Josh and Monotone Mike and Kelly-'ho head off together.

The cab hasn't even pulled away from the curb when Josh and I are making out in the back seat like seventeen year-olds breaking curfew. "Where to?" the cabby asks, and we both spout off Josh's address without any thought.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Three hours and five orgasms later (three for her, two for me), we're lying in bed naked and sweaty. There's much to discuss, including but not limited to work, but for now, everything's perfect and neither one of us is willing to change that.

I'm lying on my back, with Donna draped over me, head on my chest, eyes closed, randomly kissing whatever she can reach, when out of the blue she says, "We should send them candy."

"Who?" I ask lazily, one hand buried in her hair, the other intertwined with hers on my chest.

"Monotone Mike and Kelly-'ho."

"Why?" I ask, laughing a little.

"To thank them. If it wasn't for the fact that they were both completely undatable…"

"I wouldn't be doing this," I reply, rolling us over and attacking her chest with my mouth. She giggles, but it quickly becomes a sigh and then a squeak and then a moan and Kelly-'ho and Monotone Mike are quickly forgotten.