Excellent. If this story seems a little familiar, that's because it is. I first posted it on here more than a year ago, and despite my sporadic updates, I think I had a pretty good run. I'd like to thank everyone for my 300+ reviews! ♥You guys have no idea how happy it made me each time I read one. I love you. But anyway, I grew displeased with the story as it was, so I kept revising and reworking it. Eventually, I felt that I'd changed it so much that the original was kind of... sucky. So I took it down. But fear not! It's back and better than ever. Or at least, I hope so. Anyway, thanks for reading!
Title: To Be
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Strongly implied slash... Uh oh, guys. That's all for now.
Disclaimer: T'ain't mine.
Remember -- every time you review, an angel gets its wings. Or I find my day all the more satisfying. Either/or.
Let's do this!
"I missed you, Moony," you say quietly, wishing that the platform wasn't so crowded; you can't hug me in front of all these people.
"I missed you too," I murmur, looking at the ground.
"Everything'll be alright," you say knowingly as our eyes meet. Your gaze is reassuringly invasive.
As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise over the summer, now that I'm with you again, I can't deny it. I don't want to be alone. I want so badly for someone –for you— to understand me. I need you.
"Remus!"
The sandy-haired boy looked up from where he sat on his trunk.
Sirius was pushing his way through the noisy, crowded platform to get to him.
Remus attempted a grin, but it was so hard for him to smile with that terrible twisting feeling in his chest. "Sirius." His smile came a bit easier as he stood up.
Sirius stepped in close to him, obviously about to initiate a hug-type greeting.
Remus automatically took a step back.
Sirius gave him an awkward, one-armed pat on the back.
Remus laughed uncomfortably, as the anxious tugging in his chest grew. "So, er, how've you been?"
"All right." Sirius nodded. "You?"
He hesitated for a split-second before replying, "All right." Immediately, he regretted the unsure inflection in his tone. Maybe Sirius hadn't noticed. But then, Sirius had this incredible ability to read Remus, to see straight through his convincingly calm exterior. And he wasn't even trying to act calm right now. Surely, Sirius would have noticed.
Sirius looked around, scanning the massive throng with a purposefully furrowed brow. "James is somewhere around here..." he said in a very off-hand manner. "Must've ditched me for Evans."
Maybe Sirius had noticed, but didn't care.
"Still haven't seen Peter," he continued. "We've only just got onto the platform. James was being a great git and made us late."
Remus gave a short, forced laugh, looking down at his feet. Two months was a long time. Maybe it was long enough for Sirius to have lost interest in him. He couldn't blame him, really.
"How long have you been here?" Sirius reached to keep up the conversation.
"A while. I got here really early."
Sirius nodded as he crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes scanning the crowd again. "So..." he began stiffly. "What'd you do over holiday? I..." there was an edge to his voice, "I never heard from you."
"Err..." Remus's stomach dropped like lead. "Nothing, really..." He hoped that sounded more convincing to Sirius than it did to him.
There was an awkward pause.
"So..." Sirius started slowly. "Any particular reason why you didn't answer any of my letters?" He sounded either very hurt or very angry. It was hard to tell with him.
Remus opened his mouth to give some excuse, but none came to mind. He stood frozen, staring down at his feet, trying to force his brain to think of something to say. Anything would do. The only thing he could think of, though, was how terribly, terribly heavy his stomach felt.
"Hey!"
Both Remus's and Sirius's heads jerked up at the sound of James's ecstatic voice.
"Remus! Have a good summer?" He stood between him and Sirius.
Remus nodded slightly. "You?"
James laughed, "We thought you'd died or something! How come you never wrote us back?"
Sirius shook his head, giving James a warning glance.
Remus felt mentally paralyzed again.
James nodded, his eyebrows raised. He took a deep, dramatic breath. "Well," he started purposefully, "Sirius, I think I saw your trunk sitting back there... You guys seen Peter anywhere?"
They both shook their heads.
"Hm. Wonder where he is... He'll show up eventually, I guess. I'll go on and save us a compartment." He picked up his trunk, winking at a blushing fourth year Ravenclaw girl as he pushed past her.
"Right," Sirius said to James's retreating head, as he toward Remus again. "Hey, come with me to get my trunk. I forgot about it after I spotted you." He craned his neck to try to see around the thinning, scattered groups of people. "I left it somewhere over there, I think. I hope that poor girl is all right, though," he grinned, casting a glance in the direction James had gone.
Remus gave a weak smile as he picked up his own luggage. His mind was reeling. He had to tell Sirius what had happened over the summer. He had to. He had to get it all out right now or else he'd go crazy.
"James and all..." Sirius said, greatly miffed that Remus hadn't added any choice comments of his own about James's philandering.
"Yeah," Remus laughed forcedly. He'd probably have a chance to get Sirius alone during the train ride. If he could wait that long. It hadn't been so bad that morning. He'd actually felt a lot better about everything, like a giant weight had been lifted off his chest. Until Sirius had asked him about the letters. And then James. And now it was hard to even breathe.
Sirius narrowed his eyes, glaring at Remus for a moment before heading off in the direction of his trunk.
And now Sirius was annoyed with him. Remus stood still for a moment, trying to collect himself. For the first time, it occurred to him that things between him and Sirius wouldn't just go back to how they were at the end of last term. Two months was a long time. And so much had happened. Remus took a deep breath before going to follow Sirius.
On the train a few hours later, weeks and weeks of dedication and relentless preparation were about to culminate into one moment of glorious humiliation. James and Peter had just left to go put their new nose-hair growing charm to the ultimate test.
In the meantime, the compartment was silent.
Sirius, by this point, was incredibly unamused by Remus's increasingly morose behaviour.
Remus was just sitting there, cramped up against the window, staring blankly out at the dull scenery as it flew by. It was starting to rain. Sirius couldn't help but get the impression that the rain would stop if Remus would stop staring out the window.
For several minutes now, Sirius had been observing Remus, really for lack of anything better to do. The more he looked at him, though, the more he thought that Remus was really looking pretty rough. He was uncharacteristically unkempt; his shirt was all wrinkled and untucked. That was very unlike him. But the thing that really struck Sirius the most was how thin he was. His skin was pale and tired, stretched too thin across his gaunt face; his arms looked like they were in danger of snapping in half. He looked ill.
It was really rather concerning. Sirius broke the silence, "Full moon was last Sunday, right?"
Remus looked slightly startled before replying, "Yeah." He nodded and turned towards the window again, crossing his arms restlessly.
"Still feeling bad?"
Remus hesitated. "No. Not really. It's been, what," he furrowed his brow, counting his fingers, "four days?" He shrugged, sighing.
"How was it?"
Remus stared at the empty seat across from him for a long while, his mind obviously elsewhere. Finally, he mumbled almost unintelligibly, "It was okay, I guess." He suddenly frowned, his whole body tensing up as he held his breath. "Why?"
"You just look really tired is all."
"Oh. I am tired."
"Oh." Sirius's mind raced with blankness as he tried to continue the conversation. "How come?"
"I dunno." Remus shrugged.
Sirius frowned. This was absolutely wretched. He was running out of stupid things to comment on. Remus was never this hard to talk to.
And Remus was just sitting there, apparently perfectly fine with the overbearing awkwardness.
Sirius couldn't stand it anymore. "What's wrong with you?" It came out more accusatory than he had meant it.
"What?" Remus blurted defensively.
"What're you acting like this for?"
"Acting like what for?"
"This." Sirius indistinctly gestured at the space between them, his tone gaining urgency, "Is this why you didn't answer any of my letters over the summer? I don't get it. Are you just tired of us or something? Of me?"
"I–What do you mean? No." Remus sunk down in his seat, crossing his arms as he looked up at Sirius with a furrowed brow.
"Why didn't you answer my letters, then?"
"I don't know."
"Oh, all right, then."
"I don't know. I'm sorry."
"Okay."
"I'm sorry," Remus muttered again to the floor.
"God. Stop it with the 'sorry'-ing. It's obnoxious."
"Sorry..."
"You were pissing me off a lot less before you started talking."
"I–" Remus faltered, his voice quiet, "I– You were the one–"
Sirius cut in, "I said I don't want to talk to you anymore."
Remus let his head go limp. It hit the window with a loud 'thud'.
"Ow..." he groaned quietly as he pushed his long fringe into his face, smushing his nose with his hand.
Sirius glanced over, frowning heavily.
Remus let his hand fall down into his lap, his sandy hair obscuring eyes. He hit his head against the glass with another 'thunk'. This happened several more times. Ordinarily, Sirius would have tried to put a stop to it, but he just sat there, enraged by the occasional sound of Remus's head hitting the glass.
A few long minutes passed in heavy, oppressive silence, only interrupted by the occasional 'thud'. Suddenly, there was a commotion outside the compartment. Sirius looked towards the door just in time to see James and Peter rushing in, clutching stitches in their sides. Suddenly the silence in the compartment was replaced with uproarious laughter. Peter leaned against the closed door, nearly doubled over with mirth.
James wiped a tear from his eye, trying to speak through his laughter "That was—That was phenomenal! I've never seen anyone's—" he lost the ability to speak as he and Peter suddenly burst into stronger peals of uncontrolled laughter. James's knees started to give way as he lowered himself into the seat across from Sirius, still doubled over with laughter. He tried to straighten himself up again, "Oh god... It was—Oh god, Sirius. It was—" his laughter didn't stop, but it did lessen considerably as he noticed Remus and Sirius, "What's wrong with you two?" He couldn't help but to continue giggling.
Sirius was sitting with his arms crossed tightly across his chest, a good deal further away from Remus than he had been when James and Peter had left. He was purposefully looking away from Remus, who was sitting with his head propped against the window, apathetically trying to cram himself as far into the corner as was possible.
"Nothing," Sirius scoffed. His tone lightened drastically as he asked, "So, what'd you guys do, exactly?"
"Oh, oh, god, it was brilliant! All right, so we've got my cloak, right? And we go in–" he began to laugh again, "–we go into Sn–" Uncontrollable laughter.
Sirius started laughing at how hard James was laughing. The only one in the compartment who wasn't laughing was Remus.
"Snivellus's– I can't. I can't–" He shook his head, grinning madly, "Wormtail, you go."
Peter's laughter subsided a bit as he took on the task of explaining the caper, "He was just sitting in there by himself, so we–"
"But, what ever would Lily think?" Sirius interrupted.
"Shut it, Black! If you tell her about this–" James warned.
Sirius laughed, "Of course not! Why would I ever do such a thing?"
Remus leaned in towards the others unsurely. His voice was shaky and weak, "Lily Evans?"
Instantly, the compartment fell silent as all eyes turned incredulously to Remus.
Remus shrunk back slightly.
"Ohh," James nodded with sudden understanding. "That's right. You don't know about all that, do you?"
"About what?"
"Maybe that's for the best," James laughed. "It's nothing, really–"
"They're madly in love," Sirius teased, throwing an arm around James.
"We are not!"
"Don't let him lie to you, Moony. He doesn't know what he's talking about." Sirius didn't turn to look back at Remus. "He's blinded by the overpowering emotion pouring from his soul at the very mention of her name."
"You're going to get it for that one, Padfoot," James said as he hooked Sirius from behind with one arm, mock-punching him with the other.
"Okay, okay!" Sirius laughed as he freed himself, "Violent, aren't we?"
"You had it coming."
"So, which one did you use?"
Remus sank back into his seat.
"One what? Oh! On Snivellus!" James broke out laughing again.
"Was it the–"
"No. We tested that one on you, remember?"
"No. When? I don't remember us testing the first one. Seems like I'd remember something like–"
"That was the one that didn't work."
"Wasn't it the one with the shiny knickers that didn't work?"
"Yeah, but this one was before that."
"Oh! That's right! We did test that one, didn't we? I guess I forgot about that one after all the others' far more exciting results." Sirius burst out laughing, "Speaking of which, did you bring the tentacle drops?"
"Yeah. I brought everything."
"Excellent. This year is going to be so great..."
"We have to do something to be remembered by, don't we?"
"Yes, yes. The Marauders' last reign of terror," Sirius grinned.
"Brilliant."
"Hey, Wormtail, did you ever hear from your Aunt Harriet after that time we–"
"No. She'll probably never speak to me again after what you guys did..."
"We didn't do anything!"
"Well, maybe just a bit," Sirius beamed.
"But, you have to admit, Wormtail, it was worth it, wasn't it? To see the look on her face..." James shook with laughter.
And so on. The next few hours were spent in more or less constant uproarious laughter as they reminisced about the previous summer's splendid accomplishments and their high hopes for the upcoming year.
Remus remained silent for the rest of the train ride, chased further into his growing misery by the sound of Sirius's laughter.
Thank you guys so much for reading! Please, please review, that I might use your insights to better my silly story.