Watching the Sunset

Chapter 1

Author's Note: Well, this is the first chapter of my (I hope so) romantic story about Subaru and Seishirou. It appears that Seishirou survived the fight on the Rainbow Bridge (because Subaru saved him. How? Be patient gg) and was taken to hospital. A few weeks passed and Seishirou, looking out of the window of his room at the hospital, sees Subaru sitting on a bench next to the lake at the hospital's park. Of course he decided to go out!
I just wanted to write a romantic story about the two of them, so I hope it worked, because I'm not quite used to writing romances! If you like it, let me know and I'll continue

Disclaimer: Subaru and Seishirou (and all the other characters made by CLAMP) of course belong to CLAMP. The story belongs to me :-)

He let his eyes wander down the plateau of the hospital's park until they finally found what they were looking for.

Subaru was sitting on a bench and looking across the lake at the sunset, apparently totally lost in thoughts.

The sunbeams made the water sparkle and twinkle, which somehow reminded Seishirou of the view they had had watching the lights of the city at night from the viewing platform of Tokyo Tower a long time ago.

Now he didn't smile, though. He had always been smiling, all his life. But that had only been pretence, only a masquerade. Only smiles of disdain and arrogance, only smiles of fake affection and fake pity.

And yet, there had been that one smile, his last one. A smile that was totally different from all the others. It was the smile he had given to Subaru at the moment of his death. It had been a genuine smile. A smile that had really been sent from the bottom of his literally shattered heart. The first time he ever had allowed someone to look inside his soul so deeply. The smile that had absolutely said the same as he had been whispering at that moment.

I love you.

Right now, he didn't smile. There was no need for pretence anymore. Not now, after what had happened between the two of them at the Rainbow Bridge. And now, there were so many questions unanswered, so many things he really needed to ask the one sitting right down there on the bench and looking at the sunset.

Silently he approached the familiar frame on the bench and sat next to it, not looking at the other's face, not looking at his reaction, but only at the beautiful warm evening sun, that seemed to be about to drown in the waters of the lake.

Seishirou felt Subaru's eyes turning to him. He felt the other's shudder, his tension. The other's reaching for words he couldn't grasp.

"I knew it was a mistake to tell you." Seishirou finally said, without turning his head, as if he was actually speaking to the sun he was staring at. There was no reaction. So he continued. "Somehow I knew I shouldn't tell you, because I wasn't sure how you might react." His eyes frowned and his voice became more tensed. "But still… I decided – well, it's not as if I had had that much time… But I realised that this might actually be the last chance to tell you and so I decided that if I wouldn't tell you now, my whole live would not have had any meaning at all."

Subaru lowered his head. He didn't answer, but Seishirou knew that he was thinking hard about what his ears had just heard.

"I… didn't want to leave you like this, Subaru-kun. But there was no time for explanations. There was only time to say… what was most important to me." Seishirou said merely to himself, as his thoughts began to wander back to the year of the Bet and to run through all those years that had passed until now. "You see…" he said, turning his head towards Subaru. Suddenly he tensed and his eyes widened.

Subaru was staring at the sunset, his eyes filled with tears that seemed to have been sealed away for nine years. The sunlight made the one tear running down his right cheek sparkle as if it was a drop made of pure diamond.

"Seishirou-san…" he whispered weakly and finally turned his head to face the other man. He closed his eyes briefly but strongly, and then opened them again.

Seishirou looked at his one beautiful emerald-green eye that had lost its shining a long time ago, yet not a single bit of its purity and depth. The other eye was empty. White. Like a mirror reflection of himself. And somehow… looking at the one broken eye… he felt… he actually felt...

…guilty.

There was great pain standing behind those tears, great sorrow and grief.

Seishirou looked down. "Come on" he murmured, unsure what to say. "Don't…" He suddenly found himself lifting his hand in order to touch the other's, but he stopped right in the air and let his hand fall onto his lap again. No, a part of him said, he had no right. Trying to comfort someone from pain he himself had caused, that would almost have been derision. "Subaru-kun…" he whispered instead. "I'm not a person who deserves your tears."

Subaru silently sobbed, then lifted his sleeves to wipe away his tears.

Seishirou turned his head once again and felt his thoughts being swept away by the warming golden colour of the water.

Subaru caught a deep breath and, turning his head to the sunset as well, he started: "Back there, on the bridge, I felt as if the whole world would shatter around me. Your words… There were so many questions I wanted to ask you. I felt how everything suddenly was slipping out of my fingers, leaving me unable to grasp and keep it. Far too little time in order to face the situation and react. But now, even though I have so much time, I don't even know where to start. And I'm afraid."

Seishirou glanced inconspicuously at him. Softly he asked: "Of getting hurt again?"

Subaru didn't answer.

They sat like this for a few minutes, each one musing about their destiny, about what happened. There was so much about the other person each of them didn't understand. Too many questions about the other's motives and thoughts.

The sun was almost half swallowed by the lake's water, the light getting dimmer, but still making the water glitter in a mysterious way.

"You were the one who brought me back, right?" Seishirou supposed, but added: "Yes, of course it was you. What a stupid question." He lowered his gaze. "I wonder why you did it."

Subaru looked at him. "Because I… because I had to know. If it was true…"

"True? What?" Seishirou turned his head. He supposed to know what Subaru was talking about, but he had to hear it from Subaru himself. Otherwise their conversation would only lead into misunderstandings and pain again. The two of them were too different, too far away to be able to understand each other just by thoughts.

"Your words." Subaru said slowly. "The thing – the last thing you told me."

Seishirou turned his entire body to Subaru, but found himself unable to face him by looking into his eyes. So his gaze rested on his hands which still lay on his lap.

"Subaru-kun." He started.

Subaru felt Seishirou struggling with every single word, carefully thinking about each thought to be spoken. And still… there was nothing fake about him. Not the slightest sign of pretence. His expression was serious.

"There is still something I need to tell you. As I said, there was not enough time back there on the bridge, but there were in fact two things I had to tell you. So I had to choose, and I chose what I actually said. The other thing is…" He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and looked up at Subaru. Their eyes met so directly that Subaru startled, getting the impression that Seishirou was able to look all the way down into his soul; his mind reflected in that one amber eye fixed on him. Seishirou reached out his hands and grasped the ones of his opposite.

"I feel sorry for all the things I've done to you."

Subaru's eyes widened. He stared at the one in front of him, unable to believe what he just heard.

Seishirou looked down again; his glance came to rest on their hands.

Feel…Him? Yes, him. He started to caress the back of Subaru's left hand almost shyly with his fingers.

Subaru swallowed.

"You know… I love you, Subaru-kun, I really do." Seishirou said without looking up. "In fact, you had won our Bet at the very beginning, but I didn't play fairly. As the end of the Bet came closer, I got more and more confused. There was something I felt, but I didn't know what it was or how to deal with it. I only knew that it had something to do with you – and your eyes. And then, there was this incident at the hospital. You know, the mother of little Yuya-kun. When I saw you standing there, in front of the woman with the knife, my mind turned over and stopped. Before I realized what I was doing it was already too late. When I came to myself again, I was scared by my own actions, scared of me being capable to do such a thing like loosing complete control of myself. And scared of you. Because you were the reason of that odd behaviour. You changed something within me, Subaru-kun, and that scared me. So I decided to get rid of you. I ended the Bet just in order to proof myself that I was not the one to lose. That it was true that the Sakurazukamori was not capable of any kind of feelings. So I hurt you. And with every hit I thought to myself 'See, he doesn't mean anything to you. He's not more than glass that breaks if you let go.' And then I was about to kill you. But something prevented it. And that was not your Grandmother. She was only a way for me to pretend that she had been the reason why I didn't succeed killing you."

He looked back across the lake. The sun had almost disappeared and he let go off Subaru's hands.

Subaru looked at him in shock. But outside he stayed calm. He grabbed every single information Seishirou gave him, he saved every little word inside his mind, for at the moment he was not able to come to any conclusions from his opposite's confessions. He was not able to analyze any of it right at the moment. He was only able to listen.

"And then there was your sister."

Subaru tensed at the last word. He looked straight at Seishirou.

"She told me to kill her because she wanted the two of us to live and because she intended to cast a special spell on me. That was right after the moment when I had been confused and scared the most. I couldn't understand why, again, I had acted in such a strange way by letting you go a second time and so I decided to finish it up once and for all. I thought by killing your sister I had a second chance in actually proofing myself that I didn't care for you at all. But I guess killing her and killing you was not quite the same. After seeing her corpse lying underneath the Sakura Tree I realized what I had done. I had made you want to kill me. I had broken your heart and your soul, soiled the purity of your mind…

I thought it would be best if I just forgot about everything, just left everything behind. I thought it would be best if I declared the Bet as a failure and locked it away somewhere inside my mind. But I couldn't stop thinking of you. I couldn't stop realizing more and more what I had done to you. And so I finally understood that I had not only destroyed your and your sister's life."

It was dark now. The sun had totally disappeared. The moon was shining bright, and it was its light which was now being reflected be the water.

"I thought it was your wish to kill me and I saw that this was fair. It was the only way for me to be punished. From that day on I had only one wish. I wanted to… to die in your arms. That was all. That was all I ever wanted to be happy. But after you fought so weakly every time, after you didn't make any attempts on killing me, no matter how much I irritated you, I decided that the only way for me to die through your hands was to invoke your sister's spell." He looked up to long for Subaru's eyes. "And that's the whole story I have to tell you. The most genuine version I can offer."

Subaru couldn't hold back his tears anymore. Seishirou's words come over him like a giant wave, something that swallows him and sweeps him away. In his head there was only one question hammering: Is it true? Is it true this time? Or once again nothing but a sick game to hurt me even more?

Seishirou seemed to know what Subaru was thinking right now. But that was okay. Even if he could not expect from Subaru to ever trust him again, at least he had said what's been on his mind for so many years. He felt relieved. Even if he couldn't imagine the outcome of all this.

It certainly was honest, one part of Subaru's mind decided, as he looked into the depth of that one beautiful amber eye, that was looking back at him without that usual smirk. But he didn't care after all. After all this years of pain and suffering, after all he'd just heard a few moments ago, after all he had been through… He just felt like…

…clinging to Seishirou's shoulder and crying his heart out.

The gesture was so sudden and unexpected, that Seishirou stared at the onmyouji almost in panic.

Subaru clutched his opposite's left shoulder with both hands, settling his forehead against Seishirou's shoulder-blade. Still, it was not an embrace. He was crying in pain that had been locked inside his fragile heart for such a long time. His face was damp and red, so were his eyes.

Seishirou looked at him in shock with his eyes opened widely in surprise and confusion. He wasn't able to understand why Subaru would cry out his tears to him of all people, to him, the cause for all his suffering. Was it because Subaru might still be in love with him after all? But then, how could he possibly be in love with his sister's murderer and the one who destroyed his whole life?

He didn't know how to react to Subaru's action. After all, he was the Sakurazukamori, the one supposed to be incapable of feelings. And with that kind of behaviour he had no experience. There was something inside him, some kind of desperate urge to wrap his arms around the younger man, to comfort him and to make him stop crying. To tell him again and again that he was so sorry for what he'd done. But he had no right to touch him. No right to comfort him at all.

Seishirou blinked down at the figure trembling, sobbing and crying as if this actually was the End of the World.

Hesitatingly he lifted his right hand and slowly moved it towards his opposite's back. Gently he settled his hand there, pulling him closer, but not embracing him. That would have gone too far for him, he thought.

The longer they remained like that, the guiltier Seishirou started to feel. It had been obvious, of course, that the things he'd done to Subaru had made him suffer gravely and for a very long time, broken his heart and his mind, reduced the emotional boy to a shadow image of himself, made him linger around in deep pain musing about a reality which could not be changed.

But… had Seishirou really put him through such great pain that made Subaru cry like that without even being able to stop again? Seishirou closed his eyes and softly leaned his head against the other's, feeling the younger man's soft hair brush against his cheek.

It felt so good, but it felt not right, not allowed. There was still something inside his mind that told him that he had no right even to attempt to comfort Subaru in any way. And still…

…it felt so good…

The shivering and trembling of the fragile figure that suddenly was so close seemed to calm Seishirou. He felt his body relax, his hand starting to stroke the other's back, whose hands were still holding onto his shoulder as if this was the only piece left for him to grasp before being swept away by the raging storm of reality. The sobbing did not clam down; it almost seemed as if there was no power on Earth that could ever make it stop again.

Even if there were so many things that separated the two of them, even if this gap between them was widened by pain and murder, even so… for this moment… he wanted to forget. He wanted to remain like this forever, without past, without future. Just like this.

"It's alright, Subaru-kun" he whispered. "It's alright. No need to hold back."

Subaru felt the pain he had had for all those years coming over him again; the words of the man next to him stirring so many emotions that had been locked away inside him. It had been a long time since he had cried for the last time. It had been too terrible to cry. But at this moment… everything went too fast, too unexpected… And now there was that familiar aura, a familiar person, a familiar voice.

And a touch on his back in such an unfamiliar way. A way he almost had forgotten about. A caring way.

They stayed like this for a long time. For almost half an hour. And Subaru's tears didn't stop falling.

Seishirou was afraid that Subaru might get himself hurt if he continued crying like that… But there was no way for Seishirou to stop him.

Subaru had to stop himself. When he felt that he had cried enough.

That was alright with Seishirou. Time didn't matter anymore. Not now. They had all the time in the world, unlike after their confrontation at the Rainbow Bridge. But now, they had as much time as they wanted.

Eventually, Subaru's sobbing subdued.

He became calm all of a sudden, his body stopped trembling.

Seishirou opened his eyes and smiled softly.

Subaru still didn't let go off Seishirou's shoulder. He did not move, nor did he say anything.

For a moment Seishirou wondered if Subaru might have fallen asleep.

"Look, Subaru-kun, the moon…" Seishirou finally let go off Subaru and turned his body once again to the lake.

The moon made the water sparkle in the same way the sun had, but this time the glitter seemed to be rather of silver than of gold.

Subaru lifted his head to glance across the shining water of the lake.

Seishirou blinked at him. His eyes were totally red and glassy. No great surprise after crying for over half an hour. They still were wet, and the moon's light made them sparkle as well.

He truly was beautiful. Like an angel. A lot more mature than the shy sixteen year old boy he'd once known, whose cuteness seemed to have changed into real beauty.

Subaru felt himself relax as his eyes rested on the pale shining circle up there in the sky. It was a pleasant light, not glaring, but gently sending down its glow as if its sole purpose would be to make the lake's surface shine like a sea made of thousands of little stars.

It made Subaru feel better to think about that, even if it was trivial. It distracted his mind from all the mixed-up thoughts in his head. He felt as if he could dive away into another world, where there was no pain, no sorrow and no confusion. Only that glitter.

"It is so pretty…" Subaru finally whispered.

Sitting there on the bench next to Seishirou made his heart feel relieved in some kind of way. It was the first time after so many years that he had this kind of feeling. The feeling of familiarity, of something or someone he already knew and who already knew him. Someone, who knew what kind of person Subaru really was, who could understand Subaru's way of thinking and acting, and someone, who knew Subaru's past.

Even if it was Seishirou. His supposed nemesis, the killer of his sister, the one who destroyed his life.

He was also the one person that had been, together with Hokuto, the dearest to him, a friend and soul-mate, even if his heart was right the contrary of his own.

They had also a lot in common. Both of them were "not normal", not like anyone else.

And both of them were lonely. Maybe that was the one thing which had brought them together under the Sakura Tree almost sixteen years ago. The thing, which made them feel connected to each other so deeply.

Opposite and soul-mate, Seishirou was both to him.

He turned his head to face the other man whose eyes had been on him all the time he'd been watching the moon. He struggled inside. One part of him told him that it was almost crime to have that kind of feeling towards someone who had been the source of all his and his sister's pain. That all that had happened was the other man's fault and his alone.

But the other part of Subaru, the pure and selfless part of him, won. In a slow and soft tone he said: "Thank you, Seishirou-san."

Seishirou looked at him, puzzled. "Why would you thank me? For destroying your life? You're welcome. I'm good at those things." he said cynically.

Subaru turned away his gaze, back to the calming moon. "Thanks for telling me the truth."

Seishirou looked away as well. "Why are you so sure that it is the truth? What if it was a lie again? A lie to break everything that's left of you? To crush your innocent heart once and for all? How could you even think of ever trusting me again?"

Subaru winced. He felt a sudden danger around him. Like a mistake he made in saying his last sentence.

Seishirou was right. It could be one of his insane games again. It had to be. For why would he act so nice all of a sudden if not in order to hurt his prey even more? Subaru bit his lips at the thought that he had again started to see the kind veterinarian in the Sakurazukamori.

But only an instant later, he composed himself again as the reason why he had started to trust Seishirou during the last half of an hour came to his mind. Relieved, a tiny smile flitted over his face and he answered optimistically: "Because you gave your life for my sake. And you couldn't have anticipated that I would attempt to bring you back."

Startled, Seishirou met his gaze.

Subaru felt glad that he had found something that ensured him that all the things that had happened the last moments ago were actually true, no pretence, no game. Surely, giving one's life would be a bit too much for a game and especially for the Sakurazukamori.

Suddenly Seishirou's expression softened and he started to smile. "You're right." he said. "That's a good reason." He was looking deeply into this one emerald-green eye fixed on him. The deep, sparkling colour he'd always been admiring since the eyes of a pure and innocent little boy looked up a Sakura Tree and met the killer's eyes.

Subaru felt his mood improving to levels he didn't even think of for nine endlessly long years. Somehow, he was kind of scared by it. But it felt good. Very good. He suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to smile as well.

But something stopped him. No, it would take a lot of time until his heart had thawed and made him able to smile or even laugh again.

He brought himself to allow a lessen version of the grateful and emotional smile he used to have as a teenager.

And it felt great. It made him feel like flying through the deep blue sky, or simply like being human.

Seishirou suddenly noticed a change in his expression. He couldn't tell exactly what it had been, but it made him look softer, less sorrowful and aloof.

But that sudden feeling of joy Subaru might be feeling right now was also dangerous.

Seishirou lowered his head. "Still, Subaru-kun. The intention behind an action doesn't change the action itself. Hokuto-chan's still dead. And I am still her killer."

Subaru took a deep breath. He didn't want to lose everything he had right at the moment again.

He seemed to think carefully about his answer and then he finally said: "If I had been at your place, then maybe I would have done the same."

"Subaru-kun…" Seishirou only stared at him in confusion.

Subaru clenched his fists. "I don't understand you, Seishirou-san. I'm not you, and I'll never be. I don't know what you think when you act, I don't know what you intend when you talk. But… when one realizes that everything one had believed in turns out to be possibly wrong, one actually gets very confused. And then one wants to proof oneself that nothing has changed after all. That everything's still as it should be. And so, one does things that no one else might understand. Things, other people might condemn, because they don't understand what this person truly feels and why he acts this way. So I guess if I had been the Sakurazukamori and had been told my whole life that I was not capable of any human emotion, I wouldn't have acted much different."

Seishirou was quite surprised. Subaru really hadn't changed at all. Always trying to understand another person's feelings, even if they are so difficult to understand as the Sakurazukamori's. He rested his left hand on Subaru's shoulder. "I missed your way of thinking."

Subaru looked up, questioning.

Returning his gaze, Seishirou chuckled.

"You still are so kind-hearted."

"Sakurazuka-san?" a voice suddenly said from behind.

The two men on the bench turned around.

A nurse looked at Subaru. "I'm sorry, but the visiting hours are already over."

Then she glanced at Seishirou. "Please follow me inside. It's time for your medicine."

Seishirou got up, Subaru's eyes moving with him. "Thank you for visiting me, Subaru-kun." he said politely.

"Seishirou-san…" Subaru didn't find the words he was reaching out for.

Seishirou understood and smiled at him. "Maybe one day… we could become friends again."

Subaru's eyes widened in surprise, then, only an instant later, he smiled slightly and lowered his head out of shyness. "Yes…" he whispered. "That would be great…"

His gaze rested on the two frames as they walked up to the brightly illuminated building of the hospital and vanished somewhere into its lights.

Yes, that would be great.