Summary: Short bit of stupid nonsense. SG-1 is nekkid. Yep. Nekkid.
Category: Humor/Stupid (that's a category I made up, there should be a Stupid category)
Season: Five, no spoilers
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Minor language, nudity (like you can see it!)
Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.

A/N: This one's stupid. Really stupid. But I couldn't help it. You've been warned.

Debriefed by iamdragonrider

Colonel Jack O'Neill walked confidently into the temple, his team in various poses around the cavernous space. Major Samantha Carter was bent over some alien device in the center of the room, various tools and instruments in her hands and nearby as she tried to figure out what the thing was. Dr. Daniel Jackson was standing by one of the walls, carefully dusting at some of the inscriptions, his brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to puzzle out just what the alien language said. Teal'c stood to one side of the doorway, in a relaxed alert position, staff weapon held in one hand, ready to defend his two scientific teammates should the need arise. O'Neill had just returned from a brief perimeter check and nodded that everything was ok. Teal'c inclined his head briefly, returning the nod and signaling that everything inside was all right as well.

Satisfied, Jack walked to the front of temple, where a large altar type arrangement stood, passing Carter on the way. She didn't even note his passing. Amused, he smiled to himself. She was totally in scientist mode. Somewhat bored, Jack continued to the big altar. It had some interesting looking pictures on it, not that he'd tell Daniel that he found them interesting.

Several feet from the altar however, Jack felt the floor beneath his left boot give slightly. With a curse, Jack leapt back, and noticed the tile he'd just tread on had sunk into the ground. At first he though maybe it was just a loose panel, but then there was a grinding noise, and a steadily building hum.

"Uh, sir?" Carter's hesitant query had him whipping around. His 2IC was standing up, and backing away from the doohickey she'd been studying all morning. It was now glowing with a blue light.

"Carter, what have I told you about turning these things on?"

But she shook her head, holding up her hands, still staring at the device. "I didn't sir, I swear I haven't even touched it. I can't even figure out where the power source is."

"Jack, why is that floor tile lit up?" Daniel had stepped away from his wall, and had moved closer to where Sam was; his gaze was trained on the floor tile that Jack had inadvertently stepped on however.

Jack looked down at the tile near his feet and swore. "Shit. I just thought it was loose. It must have activated the thing when I stepped on it. Ok people, lets get out of here, move."

Sam looked like she wanted to argue, but she took one look at her CO's face and gave it up as a lost cause. Abandoning her gear, she had only started to head to the exit with the rest of them when there was a bright flash.

For a moment, none of them could see anything but glaring white, despite squeezing their eyes closed and throwing their arms over their faces for protection. Jack was aware of a tingling sensation all over his skin. While not uncomfortable, it was not particularly pleasant either. It lasted for several moments. The light dimmed. There was a soft stirring, like a breeze, and then he became conscious of feeling a bit colder than he had felt previously. In fact, it was downright drafty. Reluctantly, Jack opened his eyes, and glanced down at himself, confirming his suspicions.

Not a stitch on him.

There was a very feminine yelp nearby, and he turned to catch a blur of pale white skin and golden hair, as it dove behind a similarly attired, or should he say un-attired, Daniel.

"Sam!" cried Daniel indignantly, trying to cover himself with his hands, as he made the mistake of trying to turn to see the woman behind him. He was rewarded with a sharp elbow to the ribs, which quickly brought him to his senses. Daniel's cheeks turned an impressive shade of pink, and the blush traveled down his neck, in fact it traveled all the way down to his… ah hem. Jack averted his eyes as Daniel mumbled a hasty reply to the person now concealed behind him.

"O'Neill, all of our weapons and supplies are also missing." Teal'c was suddenly standing in front of Jack, in all his glory, making no effort to cover up anything. Jack blinked, realizing belatedly, that he himself hadn't done anything much to cover up, not that he had much to cover up with besides his two hands, there didn't seem to be a single loose item in the room.

"Now why the hell would the thing do that?" They'd run across all sorts of machines in their years of going through the stargate, but this was the first one to zap all their clothes and gear off their bodies, not to mention every object from the room.

"Jack, the inscriptions I was translating seemed to indicate that there was some sort of cleansing ritual, and that only the body was sacred enough to enter the temple. Everything else would be removed once the ceremony started." Daniel moved to pinch the bridge of his nose, and frowned, as his fingers encountered nothing. Jack realized the man was missing his glasses. Great, that was just great. Daniel took a step towards the wall again, and Sam squawked, moving with him.

Glaring at the machine, Jack made up his mind. "Ah no, hold it Danny. Ok, we're out of here." Jack took in Carter's position, still behind Daniel. "Carter, you watch our sixes." The words were out of his mouth before he even thought about them.

"Yes sir." Her reply emerged with a bit of a squeak, and Jack decided to ignore it, striding off in the direction of the gate.

"But Jack…" Daniel tried to protest.

"Ah! No buts Daniel! It will be dark soon, my ass is freezing, we have no food, no weapons, we're going home, and that's final." Daniel did not try to argue again, suddenly seeing the logic, and a whole lot more than he wanted to see, as Teal'c came to stand nearby.

"Is your vision well enough without your visual aid Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel blinked, taking in the sight of the massive Jaffa warrior, who seemed to have no shame with regards to his body. In fact, the Jaffa seemed to have nothing to be ashamed of. Fighting a blush, Daniel forced his eyes to remain above the waist. "Uh, yeah, Teal'c, they're fine." More than fine. Too fine. In fact, as a soft body bumped into him from behind for the umpteenth time, he thought being blind without glasses might be better actually. Daniel quickly fell in behind Teal'c.

All of them stumbled a bit more than usual, since they were all too busy trying not to look at certain things. Well, except for Teal'c, who seemed to be amused by his companions, and Jack, who was on point, the lucky bastard. Fortunately, the gate wasn't far, and was quickly in sight.

Jack stopped in the pathway and Sam literally ran into Daniel again. She looked everywhere but at her CO's six, even though she was technically disobeying an order. Well, he had ordered her to watch their sixes right? She peeked around Daniel, and then ducked back as Jack turned to speak. "Ok, kids, here's the plan we dial up and ask them to send some clothes through to us. Shut the gate down and wait for them to send the supplies."

The words were no sooner out of his mouth than the ground started shaking, hard enough to literally knock them all to the ground. It shook for several minutes. Behind them, several large stones fell from the temple.

When the shaking stopped, Jack looked back over his team, wincing at the tangle of naked limbs, like some sort of drunken game of Twister. Fixing his eyes on a nearby shrub, Jack demanded, "Carter, what the hell was that?"

"I don't know sir, when the device activated, it must have caused some instability in the planets' crust, triggering an earth quake. The area may not be safe for a while." As if to prove her words, the ground trembled again.

Wasting no more time, SG-1 scrambled to their feet, and made double time to the gate. Daniel dialed out, and then they realized they had no GDO, and no radio.

"Sir, I can send a radio signal with the MALP." She was already moving to the machine, and Jack adverted his gaze as she ducked behind it. Before long, she'd done something from behind one of the panels and the little camera came to life, panning around the clearing. Jack moved forward, so as not to present too much of a view. Suddenly, he realized that getting them to send clothes would be out of the question.

"This is General Hammond of the SGC, who am I speaking with?" The tinny disembodied voice transmitted through the tiny speakers was unmistakable and carried a wealth of authority. Jack winced unintentionally.

"Uh, General sir, we seem to be having a little bit of a problem here." Jack swallowed nervously.

"Colonel O'Neill? Is everything all right? Do you require assistance?" The General's voice was concerned now.

"Uh, yeah, General, we're fine. Its just, well, we've lost the GDO, and were wondering if you'd open the door for us."

Jack could practically see the General's eyebrows straining to reach his nonexistent hairline. "You lost the GDO?"

"We didn't mean to." Just then, the earth bucked rather forcefully, tilting the MALP. The wormhole flickered slightly and Carter cried out as she was knocked to the ground, connecting painfully with the DHD. Daniel was also thrown to the ground and Jack landed hard on one knee with a colorful curse. Teal'c somehow remained standing in defiance of the planet.

"Sir, we need to get out of here!" There was a note of urgency in Carter's voice, and a line of blood on her forehead. Jack dared not let his eyes travel lower. Daniel moved to help her up and fortunately blocked his vision, but then again that was not necessarily a good thing. Jack swallowed, dragging himself back to his feet.

"Colonel, Colonel O'Neill, what's going on?" The voice of General Hammond was calling through the MALP, and worry was evident in the normally controlled tones.

"We're fine sir, its just things are getting a little shaky here, and Carter thinks we need to get out of here. Request permission to come home, sir?" The ground trembled again, another aftershock, and Jack winced as a large tree branch fell not far from the clearing.

There were several moments of silence, and Jack wondered if they'd get permission after all. Finally, Hammond's voice came over the speaker. "Very well, permission granted, you may come through the gate SG-1, a security detail will be meeting you in the gateroom."

Jack frowned. This would be one for the SGC Christmas party. "Ok kids, let's go." As if happy to see them go, the ground shook again. Carter let out a squeak again, and stumbled into his back, and he jumped at the contact of her soft skin against his.

The trip through the gate was a lot colder than he remembered. And the metal ramp a lot more uncomfortable under his bare feet. Belatedly, his hands moved to cover his private regions, as he took in the larger than usual security force in the room. There was a strangled noise behind him, and soft flesh was suddenly melded to his backside. "Carter, do you mind?" he growled under his breath. This was so not helping.

"Sorry sir." The whisper was desperate, and the pressure eased marginally.

Teal'c was standing impassive, hands behind his back. His eyebrow rose at the whispered exchange. Daniel was on Jack's other side, and slightly behind, also doing his best to conceal, and using Jack's body for the small amount of shielding it could provide, the coward. Jack wished he'd thought of it first.

There was a cough at the end of the ramp. Look cool. Act like nothing at all unusual was going on. Just a normal mission for SG-1. "Ah, General, I'd salute, but, uh… " Damn, that wasn't what he'd meant to say.

General Hammond blinked, but recovered quickly. "Actually, Colonel, I'd prefer if you'd didn't. Report to the infirmary. I'm looking forward to this debriefing. Its not every day that SG-1 shows up having been debriefed already. Dismissed." The General did an about face, and left the gate room.

Jack stared after the man, dumbfounded. "Did he just…"

Daniel blinked, squinting. "Uh, yeah, he did."

They were so never living this one down.