TITANIC: The story of Jack, Rose, Cal and Maury Polvich

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters of Titanic. Nor the Spice Girls. Let alone Maury Polvich show or Riverdance. So don't ask.

CHAPTER 1. No Autographs Please.

First, a message from Old Rose Calvert:

Okay, you people are always asking me about some boat named Titanic. Well, let me ask you something: what the hell makes you think I'll remember everything that happened 84 years ago? I'm 101 years old, I can't even remember what happened 5 minutes ago! But since you made me, I'll tell you about the boat Carnival–I mean Titanic. Well Titanic was a big boat 1912. I went on it you see...

Flashback

April 10, 1912...

It was a lovely day, and the people were just crazy with happiness and excitement. Everyone was standing around the ship, admiring how big it was. Well, out of all the people there, one guy, Jack Dawson and his friend, Lenny was looking up at the ship. Suddenly a car came behind them and hit Lenny and Jack ran away.

The driver, Lovejoy came out of the car, followed by Rose's mother, Ruth. Ruth said, "My such a large–oh dear, someone's under the car!"

"I told him to get out the way," said Lovejoy.

"But Lovejoy, you told him in German!"

"I did, didn't I?"

Now Rose, a beauty then, jumped out of the car angrily. "You call this big! I know I've seen bigger!"

"No you haven't Rose," said Caledon Hockley, Rose's handsome but evil fiancé.

"Who cares!" said Rose. "And anyway, I had a dream last night, and it was about the boat sinking!"

"This boat will not sink. Why it's unsinkable!"

" Yes you will say it's unsinkable 10,000 times and then this ship will hit an iceberg and go to a watery grave!"

"Rose! You told the ending! Freakin' idiot!"

"Oops! Oh well, I'm sure everyone's heard it before anway!

Inside the Titanic

Rose storms into the room while reading the book A Series of Unfortunate Events (where did she that book from?) Because she is not looking, she walks straight into the wall, banging her head.

Rose throws the book out the window while screaming, "This is all your fault!"

Cal comes into the room: "Rose stop screaming! Speak softly, will you!"

"Hell no!"

Cal rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath.

" Did you just call me a Nazi?" asked Rose.

"A what? What's a Nazi?"

"Oh I forgot," said Rose. Nazis won't be around until 20 years from now"

"Rose, stop this, understand!" Cal was becoming impatient.

"Now children quiet down," said Ruth walking into the room.

"Just teaching Rose a lesson," said Cal. "Stop the crap understand Rose!"

Rose sighed. "Yes ma'am."

"Good."

Ruth was rather confused and disturbed by Rose calling him "ma'am".

Just then, Lovejoy walked in. "There's some crazy boy out there screaming, "I'm King of the World!"

"That's strange,"said Cal, " Because everyone know I'm king of the world! Hey everyone I'm sooo rich and important! Worship me! I'm sooo much better than the likes of you!"

And at that, Cal put on his sun shades and his T-Shirt that says "No Autographs Please!"

And Rose could only roll her eyes.