All That's Left….
Authors Note: Alright brand new fic. This is a bit of a departure from my other fics. It's has a bit more angst and a smutty quality to it, I suppose. Nothing too graphic but enough to warrant the "M". I guess that's just my general warning to you all. It's intended to be a multipart fic, and I really like where this thing is going but I am not so sure anyone else will so either way please let me know what ya think. This could be considered AU sort of basically in this fic Luke and Lorelai never got back together after they broke up and now its summer. So anything after Say Something didn't happen. Oh and Rory is in New York for a summer internship. She isn't really a focus of this story so its easier if she is away. Oh and lil side note chapter ones title is inspired by the Brand New song with the same name.
Premise: Luke and Lorelai unexpectedly cross paths after 4 months apart and all kinds of chaos ensue.
Chapter 1 "Glory Fades":
A light breeze blew in the crisp air as puffy white clouds filled the sky. The bright sun made everything twinkle and shine, and the sounds of blue birds melodically chirping provided the soundtrack to a perfect summer's day. Lorelai walked briskly through the center of town and failed to notice any of it.
In the four months since Lorelai's last break up she had fallen into a pretty steady routine. She got up every morning at 7 am on the dot. This was no longer the chore it once was because for Lorelai sleep wasn't the luxurious thing it used to be. Now sleeping was just something that had to be done. She had to lay down every night and try to sleep. Try being the operative word because every night was the same exact scenario. She would lay on her pillow exhausted from a long day and will sleep to come. Instead, her mind would go on and on about the same thing, the same man, and the many alternate ways her life could be going if she hadn't screwed everything up so royally. No matter how many sheep she counted, or how many episodes of Happy Days she tried to replay in her head, night after night he haunted her. During the day she could find a million things to divert her attention but night time was the only time where her mind forced her to dwell on the man that got away. Even after she would finally fall asleep he was the star of everyone of her stomach knotting dreams.
So Lorelai would wake up eager to get out of bed and away from her thoughts. She would get ready and go to Weston's for her morning caffeine fix. From there she headed to the Inn and lost herself in guests, and pillow mint emergencies. Then after a long day, she would come back home later than was really necessary and order take out. She would watch The Daily Show and Conan and anything else to distract her from sleeping, until she could no longer prolong going to bed. Eventually the next day would start and her routine began again. Everyday of the week it was the same thing, the exact same routine with very little variation. A few things did mix it up. There was the occasional call from Rory, where Lorelai would find something to babble on about so that Rory would know she was doing okay. For Sookie's sake she would also take the occasional weekend trip to Al's Pancake World or Weston's for lunch or dinner. She did this just so she could honestly tell Sookie she still went out, and hadn't become the dreaded spinster on the couch. Lorelai never mentioned to her daughter or her best friend her sleepless nights. She failed to tell them that after months of trying to get over it, the best she could manage was to be a dulled numbed version of the vivacious person she used to be.
This particular Saturday was host to one of her Al's Pancake World field trips. She skillfully made her way past Luke's diner without a second glance. This was also a part of her routine. She would remind herself she was a strong woman with her own business and a beautiful daughter and she was not going to be the girl who glanced longingly at what she could no longer have.
The second she stepped into Al's she wished she would have glanced a little harder at the diner. She was utterly shocked to see Luke himself at a table in the corner of Al's, intently reading a paper and drinking an iced tea. Lorelai was pretty sure she had stepped into some kind of alternate universe. Luke hated Al's, and going out, and going out to Al's. What in the world was he doing there? And since when did he not work at the diner on a Saturday afternoon? And since when did he read the New York Times? Her mind was racing, her heart was palpitating, and she was praying he hadn't seen her. Lorelai had successfully managed to avoid him for months. She always had a slight fear every time she went grocery shopping that she might run into him, but it never happened. But now here he was in Al's of all places. Here he was in his blue baseball cap, his soft flannel shirt, his days old stubble, and his Luke presence was effectively sucking all the air out of the room.
Lorelai decided quickly that she needed to get out of there before he noticed her. She knew that she was not on his list of favorite people anymore. She also knew that even a short conversation with that man would haunt her even more then she already was at night.
As Lorelai was about to turn around she heard her name being called.
"Lorelai," Luke called to her in that deep gravely voice that she had missed so much.
"Shit." Lorelai whispered quietly, so much for avoiding this particularly awkward situation. Now she had to go over to him and play the we are grown ups and lets be civil even though we broke each others hearts game. Yeah, that game sucked.
"Oh hey Luke," Lorelai said as went and stood by Luke's table. "What are you doing here?"
Luke ignored her question. "Sit down."
"Okay." Lorelai said uncomfortably. She tentatively sat in the seat across from Luke's.
"So it's been a while. How are you doing?" Luke asked casually.
Far too casually for Lorelai's liking. Who the hell was this guy? What happened to the monosyllabic guy who avoided small talk at all costs? The Luke she had known for years.
"Things, things are good." Lorelai said with a strange hitch in her voice.
Luke noticed how visibly nervous Lorelai was. She probably hadn't had the same experience with this sort of thing that he had. If Rachel had shown him one thing with all of her leaving and coming back it was how to be calm on the outside while inside you were a complete mess. It was like his dad always used to tell him, "Lucas, never let them see you sweat." He wasn't going to be immature and ignore her, instead he was going to be cool, calm, and collected.
Luke was a master at pretending. Pretending Lorelai hadn't ripped out his heart. Pretending his lack of customers at the diner wasn't because of his surly attitude. Pretending he didn't need anyone or anything. Pretending that he was enough and having other people in your life was unnecessary. Luke could pretend his ass off when he had to.
"That's good, how is Rory, and the Inn?" Luke asked. He could pretend to be fine with everything that happened between them as well. He would never give away how hurt he was and how much he missed her.
"Both good," Lorelai said still bewildered by this turn of events. "Mind if I ask what you are doing here? I thought you hated Al's?"
"Yeah well things change." Luke said in a tone that didn't just mean his choice of eating establishments.
"They do at that." Lorelai returned with a slight shake of her head. She knew it was probably her turn to ask a question but her eyes were focused on his hands, His calloused big hands. She always thought that he had amazing hands. If she could concentrate hard enough she could still feel the way her skin burned at the lightest touch of his hands.
"So how are things with you?" Lorelai finally asked tearing her eyes away from Luke's hands. She desperately hoped he didn't notice the blush that was surely rising in her cheeks.
Luke looked into her eyes as she spoke, and thought about how beautiful she was when she was nervous. Who the hell was he kidding, she was always beautiful. Piercing eyes, full lips, immaculate skin, she was beauty personified. Without knowing it both Luke and Lorelai silently wished for pretty much the same thing. They wished that all that mattered was her beauty and his hands and what happened when those things collided.
"Same as always," Luke shrugged. He wasn't going to tell her that after four months he still couldn't get over what happened. That for all his pretending he couldn't get past that fact that she had lied to him. Sometimes late at night he would miss her terribly and he would mentally try to forgive her for everything that happened at that awful wedding. The problem was that he never quite succeeded. Images of Christopher and her family danced in his head. They reminded him that he wasn't enough for her, and she didn't even care enough to be honest with him. For a long time she was the only one he truly trusted. And for Luke trust wasn't something that came easily, and it hardly ever came back after it had been broken. He also wasn't about to let her in on the fact that despite all his inner demons he still longed for her, and how conflicted that made his head and his heart.
"Well, I guess not everything changes then." Lorelai sardonically noted. She looked at Luke with his day's old stubble, and his bright blue eyes, and her heart twisted. She was the closest she had been to him in months and she had never missed him more then at that particular moment.
"Yeah, I guess." Luke said noncommittally.
"And the diner is doing well?" Lorelai asked trying to keep focused.
"Diner's fine. People always need to eat. You should come by sometime." Luke said without really knowing what he was saying.
"I should." Lorelai said. Her tone was somewhere between a question and a statement.
"Yeah, we might not have worked out but that doesn't mean..." Luke trailed off. He had been trying to avoid bringing up the subject of them but had slipped without meaning too.
"Yeah, well, maybe. I should probably be going. I will let you read in peace." As Lorelai spoke she felt a distinct shift in the air. She didn't know what was going on but the way Luke was talking to her coupled with the look in his eyes was making her more and more panicked.
"You just got here." Luke reasoned.
"Yeah, well I decided I am not so hungry anymore. You know us girls always changing are minds." Lorelai lamely tried to joke.
"Well, I am about ready to go myself. I will walk you out." Luke responded. He wasn't sure what he was doing. He just knew he wanted to prolong being with Lorelai even if it was just for a second longer.
"Okay." Lorelai said quietly. She wasn't sure what was happening. She wasn't so sure she wanted to stop whatever fate was seemingly bringing to her.
The drive to Lorelai's house had been completely silent. Lorelai wasn't even sure when she had agreed to let Luke drive her home. All she knew was she had driven home in Luke's truck, and the entire way home the truck was filled with a powerful unbreakable tension. For some reason she knew that this tension was not one that would be diffused with words, so she had remained uncharacteristically silent. Now to add to the weird factor Luke hadn't just dropped her off, he was walking her to her front door. Luke and Lorelai both independently noted that this day seemed to be spinning rapidly out of control for both of them.
Lorelai jumbled around with her keys. The task of opening her front door had never been so hard. She could feel Luke's intense gaze on her and it was literally making her shaky. Finally with a bit of effort she managed to get the front door open. She quickly turned around and was face to face with Luke.
"Thanks for the ride." She whispered.
Then before either one of them knew what was happening their lips were on each others. Luke didn't know if he had started the kiss or if she had and that's about as far as his head went before all he could do was focus on nothing but Lorelai.
They stumbled inside kissing each other wildly. Lorelai managed to kick the door closed while she grabbed on to Luke flannel for support. His lips crushed hers, putting everything into their kisses. The love, pain, desire, hurt, anger, and need that neither one knew how to express with words. Some where in the back of Lorelai's head she knew this might not be the greatest idea but for the first time in months she felt alive and for the moment that's all she needed. He was all she needed.
Luke's baseball cap was the first item of clothing to hit the ground. Then Lorelai began to furiously unbutton Luke's flannel shirt. Once she slipped it off of him, Luke returned the favor and pulled Lorelai's shirt over her head tossing it on the staircase. Luke then swiftly moved to remove Lorelai's bra. She was pretty sure that she had heard the distinct sound of material tearing in his fevered effort to remove the article from her body. She tried to muster up some sense of caring but once she felt Luke's lips on her body all else was forgotten. Lorelai stared into Luke's eyes for a moment while she pressed her hips into his. She grabbed his hands and pinned them to his sides. She could feel how ready he was for her and she knew after months apart she was just as prepared. She went back in towards his mouth and teased his lips for a moment before biting his lip a little harder then necessary. There was some not so nice part of her wanting him to feel the pain she caused. He was as always giving as good as he got. He released his hands from hers and then grabbed her wrists. He lifted them above her head and pressed himself into her with more force propelling her to hit the wall with a thud. Lorelai reached between them and fumbled only slightly before unbuttoning and unzipping Luke's pants. She briefly looked upstairs towards her bedroom.
"The bedroom." She moaned.
"To hell with the bedroom." Luke grunted as he pushed her skirt up to her waist and shifted himself closer to her. He needed this; he needed her right there, right now.
"The couch?" She questioned looking towards her living room and noticing it was closer.
"To hell with that too." Luke whispered as he haphazardly moved her underwear to the side and quickly thrust himself inside of her.
Lorelai moaned piercingly as a rush of sensations hit her. Luke gave her just a second to acclimate before he once again began to push inside of her.
"This works too." She gasped.
Lorelai wrapped her arms around Luke's neck to steady herself as his pace increased. She forcefully brought her mouth to his and immediately Lips, tongues, and teeth intertwined. They were both flooded with sensation and completely in the moment. Lorelai legs hitched higher and higher up Luke's body and soon Luke could do nothing but let himself go. His hard release put her over the edge and Lorelai shrieked Luke's name as her mind went pleasantly blank.
After getting his bearings back Luke untangled himself from a completely astonished Lorelai. When Luke let her go Lorelai slowly slid down the icy cold wall she had been against. Luke looked at her and then moved to the side of her allowing himself to feel the freezing wall on his sweaty back while he settled down next to her.
He put an arm around Lorelai and she put her head on his shoulder. For a few minutes neither of then spoke. Neither of them knew what to say. Finally Lorelai broke the silence.
"That was um…unexpected." Lorelai finally whispered.
"That it was." Luke said focusing intently on some spot in the living room. "Lorelai, I don't know if I can, I mean so much has, I didn't mean to…" He started not even completely sure where he was going with it.
Lorelai knew exactly what he was trying to say, and it killed her.
"Luke, I know." Lorelai whispered sadly before removing her head from his shoulder.
"I should probably go." Luke said as he got up from the wall and began to gather his clothes.
"Or you could stay." Lorelai hoped she didn't sound as desperate as she felt. She didn't want him to leave. She knew what it meant if he left and she didn't know if she could handle the repercussions.
As Luke rezipped his pants Lorelai suddenly felt very naked. She smoothed her skirt back down and reached on to the bottom stair for her shirt. She quickly threw it back on never leaving her position on the wall.
He was staring at her intently as if choosing his words very carefully.
"Well, I really should check on the diner." He finally settled on saying.
"Oh." Lorelai disappointedly sighed. "Okay."
"Back to reality," Luke said with a heavy sigh. As he buttoned up his flannel shirt and placed his cap back on his head.
"Yeah, back to reality." Lorelai said unconsciously hugging herself tightly. She was fighting desperately to keep the tears out of her eyes.
Luke opened the front door and turned back towards Lorelai.
"Lorelai, I wish…" Luke trailed off.
She knew what he meant. She wished it too. Wished things were different. Wished that what they had just done changed something.
"I know Luke me too." Lorelai quietly uttered.
"I'll call you." He said quietly as he slipped out the door.
The door seemed to slam with finality and Lorelai could no longer manage to keep her tears at bay.
She wiped furiously at her face as the tears came in a steady stream. Finally, she got up from the wall and made her way upstairs. She knew one thing for sure she definitely wasn't numb anymore, but she wasn't sure this was any better. She made her way into the bathroom and undressed once again.
She turned the hot water on fully and stepped into the steaming shower. The water scalded her skin and she welcomed the burn. Her mind began to drift to what had happened downstairs. It was so unexpected, but she had needed Luke and he had needed her too that was evident. However, she knew with just as much certainty that what had transpired was not a 'lets get back together' kind of event. She tired to come to some sort of decision about what exactly had happened. Okay she knew what had happened, she would probably have a bruised back to show for it, but she needed something on a more philosophical level. It was hard to wrap her mind around because everything seemed foggy to Lorelai. She felt like the steam of the shower was swallowing her whole. She felt foggy inside her head, and saw the fog literally surround her body. She tried to concentrate on what had transpired. She knew it was impulsive, and great, and stupid, and when Luke had said he would call her, he was just being polite. However, she also knew she had missed Luke so much and four months of being without him was changing her in ways she hated. She also couldn't shake the slightly dirty feeling she had. What her and Luke had done felt illicit and that was something she had never really experienced with him before. She didn't know what the hell to do. So she just let the steam of shower fill her up, and just like when she was trying to sleep, she futilely attempted to will her mind to concentrate on that one really funny episode of Happy Days.
Outside of Lorelai house Luke sat in his truck staring blankly ahead. He felt simultaneously invigorated and disgusted with himself. What in the hell had just happened back there? Well, he knew exactly what happened back there, but he just felt like it couldn't possibly have been him who had done it. He wasn't a love them and leave them kind of guy. He was also not the kind of guy who said the phrase "love them and leave them" clearly he was going insane.
Luke didn't know what to do. He simply didn't know how to forgive Lorelai for what she had done, and at the same time he simply didn't know how to live without her. He knew that those two facts combined were how they had reached this particular point. He wished he knew what the hell he could do about any of it.
He finally managed to turn the key in the ignition and at the very least leave Lorelai's house behind him.