Compromising Positions: A Series of Inordinate Events

Author: Kate McCaye

Category: Humor

Pairing: Some S/J UST scattered randomly throughout

Rating: T overall, for safety, although each story will be rated accordingly

Summary: I have a long list of stories (some written, some partially written, some just jotted down in one sentence summaries) that fall under the heading "Compromising Positions." I've posted one of the longer ones, but many are much shorter. The shortest ones are going to be posted here as individual chapters, although they're actually really more like individual stories. Yay or nay? Let's try...

Title: Compromising Positions: Ergo... Urgo

Rating: K+

Setting: Takes place during Urgo, after Hammond confines them to the isolation quarters but before they meet Urgo for the first time.

A/N: While the phrase that loosely connects all of these stories ("This isn't what it looks like") doesn't actually appear in this story, in my head SG1 would be saying it after they're not under Urgo's influence, once they realize how silly they looked... and Hammond does describe the entire Urgo situation as SG1 being "compromised," so... it sort of works. I guess... Or that could just be the rationale I used when I decided to merge this series with that pesky Urgo story that's always been lurking around in my head.

Ergo... Urgo

Hammond watched as SG1 was escorted to the isolation quarters, to be placed under guard just as he had told them they would be. Despite their collective opinion that there was nothing wrong with them, Hammond somehow knew that wasn't the case. With SG1, things were never that simple.

Just because Fraiser didn't know what it was yet did not mean that whatever it was wasn't going to get worse. So far they had ransacked the commissary's dessert supply and attempted to overdose on coffee, and when he had sent them off to the isolation quarters they had behaved more like a pack of grumpy teenagers being grounded than anything else.

Exactly what he needed, of course. "Doctor... watch them carefully," Hammond instructed the only person remaining in the briefing room, Dr. Fraiser.

"Yes, sir," Fraiser replied, getting to her feet and leaving the room at a brisk pace.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"I'm starving," Daniel complained.

"Me too," Sam whined.

"I'm bored," Jack put in.

"I require both sustenance and entertainment," Teal'c added.

"God, how long have we been in here, it feels like forever!" Jack demanded.

Sam lifted her arm, checked her watch, and replied, "Thirteen minutes."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Janet watched the flagship team of the SGC through a small black and white monitor. All four of them were lying on their backs on the ground in the middle of the isolation quarters, forming a giant X on the ground, their heads all close together. She could tell they were talking to each other, but out of respect for their privacy, she wasn't monitoring their conversations constantly.

Out of curiosity, she turned the volume up, and it turned out to be just in time. Without moving from their positions on the floor, they started singing (and doing) the Hokey Pokey, which looked even sillier than normal since when they put their feet and hands 'in,' they were really sticking them straight up in the air. And Teal'c just looked down-right goofy 'shaking it all about,' even on the floor.

Janet knew she should probably be combing through their bloodwork and x-rays for some tiny, previously overlooked anomaly that could explain this behavior, but she just couldn't bring herself to stop watching them.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Jack jumped to his feet so quickly that he made himself dizzy. "Woa, head rush."

"You okay, sir?"

"Yeah, it was actually kinda fun. Try it, Carter." He grabbed both her hands and jerked her up to her feet. She laughed and stumbled a bit, and they both pulled Teal'c to his feet and looked at him expectantly.

"I feel no different," he informed them.

"Aww, bad luck, Teal'c," Sam said sympathetically, patting his massive forearm as Jack hauled Daniel to his feet. Together, the four of them set out on their new mission. None of them noticed that they hadn't actually discussed this 'mission' out loud with each other.

They went to the door and banged on it until their guard opened it. "We're hungry," Jack informed the Airman on duty.

"Sorry, sir, you've got to stay here."

"Then bring us something to eat."

"And drink," Sam added.

"Right."

"All right, sir, I'll get someone to cover my post and go to the commissary."

"No, we want pizza," Daniel told him. The Airman looked at him incredulously. Like he was really going to take orders from a civilian archaeologist... please.

"Don't look at him like that, you heard him," Jack snapped. "We want pizza. And beer."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Fraiser," Janet said as she answered the phone in her office. She listened to the Airman on the end of the line and said, "Absolutely not. I don't care how much Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter 'order' you, you are not going to pick up pizza and beer for them. Or anything else that's not already on this base, for that matter."

She slammed the phone down and went to get herself some aspirin. Why couldn't SG1 ever come to her with a simple complaint, like a cold or a paper cut or something?

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"I'm authorized only to bring you food from the commissary."

"Fine!" Jack barked. "Then I want pie... you might want to write this down."

He waited while the Airman located pencil and paper and continued. "I want an apple pie... not a piece, understand? AN apple pie. With vanilla ice cream. And milk. Carter?"

"Grilled cheese with the toast burnt. Oh, and tater tots. And blue jell-o. And water, coffee, and iced tea."

"Thirsty?" Daniel asked, before placing his order. "I want pancakes..."

"Sir, it's six o'clock in the evening," the Airman stated.

"I know that, but there were pancakes at breakfast so presumably there's still pancake mix around somewhere..."

"I want some pancakes too," Jack said. "And lots of syrup."

"Yeah," Daniel agreed. "And a banana... and one of those big sugar cookies... and a tuna fish sandwich. And coffee. Lots of coffee."

"I will have what O'Neill, Major Carter, and Daniel Jackson are all having, as well as a watermelon and a cheeseburger."

The Airman gaped at them all, wondering if they were just pulling his leg... actually, was it possible this whole 'mysterious alien influence Fraiser couldn't identify' was just some sort of prank? They all looked so serious though...

"And after you get all that find out who you've gotta sleep with around here to get a Playstation hooked up!" Jack barked as the Airman finally headed off down the hall, muttering to himself.

"I bet Sam could hook up a Playstation for you, Jack," Daniel said innocently.

Sam and Jack both gaped at him.

"I don't know why I said that," Daniel said, blushing bright red.

"You're just hungry, Daniel," Sam finally decided. "It's making you cranky. All of us. I'm starving."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Janet watched as SG1 plowed their way through the eclectic dinner they had requested. Well, at least they were all quiet for the moment... although it was slightly disconcerting the way they kept sharing their food... not that she'd never seen them sample each other's meals before, but it generally required at least a little eye contact. They were passing forkfuls of food to each other and reaching out for them automatically, without looking up from their respective plates. And Janet had now officially watched Sam eat more in one sitting than the Major usually ate in about a week.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

After 'dinner,' they all wanted more dessert. The Airman was all set to run off and get it too when Janet came scurrying down the hallway with her arms full of board games. "No more food for a while, guys, you've had enough," she said firmly.

"Aw, come on, Doc, lighten up," Jack tried as Janet set the stack of games on the table.

"No, Colonel. And when that coffee's gone, that's it as well. You can have some nice, delicious water."

"Oh, joy," Sam and Daniel said sarcastically and simultaneously. Janet looked at them suspiciously.

"What?" they both asked. They looked at each other. "Stop it. You stop it. Hey!"

"Ack!" Jack interrupted. "Both of you stop!"

Teal'c went over to the pitcher of water and chugged it.

"I think we're going to need some more water," Daniel told Janet.

Janet left, muttering, 'What the hell is the matter with them?' It was a half-exasperated, half-serious question.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"This game is taking forever," Daniel whined. They were teaching Teal'c to play Monopoly, which of course hadn't taken long to teach, but was taking forever to play.

"You're just mad because you're losing," Jack said calmly, straightening his large stack of money for emphasis.

"Anyone can win this game, Jack, it's just dumb luck."

"Actually, that's not entirely true," Sam commented. "While there is a certain amount of luck involved..."

"Carter!"

"Sorry."

"Daniel Jackson, you have landed on my railroad property once again," Teal'c stated. "You owe me $200."

Daniel grumbled and forked over some Monopoly money.

"Let's play something else, this game is boring."

Surprisingly, everyone agreed. They made their way through Scrabble, checkers (playing in teams), and all the card games Jack and Sam could think of, stopping just short of playing strip poker. Jack suggested it. Surprisingly it had been Teal'c who shied away from the idea the most vocally. Everyone was surprised at first but then realized he didn't want to risk exposing his symbiote pouch to them for so long. Jack had to admit, the idea hadn't occurred to him at the time, but now he was a little relieved.

"What's the next game in that stack?" Jack called.

Daniel, who was putting the other games away, called, "Trivial Pursuit."

"Nah, next!" Jack called.

"Why can't we play Trivial Pursuit?" Daniel asked.

"Because Teal'c won't know any of them, Carter will only know the science questions, you'll know a little bit more because they divide history, science, and people and places, but I'll still beat all of you because I know the sports questions and the entertainment ones."

"Well, the only other game here that we haven't already played is Twister."

"Bring it on!" Jack called.

"What is a Twister?" Teal'c asked.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

General Hammond entered the infirmary. "Dr. Fraiser, do you have any news about SG1?"

"No, sir... I've just personally gone over all of their bloodwork for the second time. I can't find anything wrong with them, sir, but something has to be affecting their behavior."

"Are you certain of that, Doctor? People do get cravings occasionally, and..."

"Oh, I'm certain, sir... have a look for yourself."

Janet angled the monitor that displayed the isolation room so that Hammond could see it. He blinked in alarm. "Are they all right?"

His flagship team was lying in a tangled heap of arms and limbs in the middle of the isolation room floor... where was the guard who was supposed to be making sure nothing happened to them?

"They're fine, sir... it's a game," Janet explained, turning up the volume for the general. Four distinct laughs were emanating from the tangled pile.

"Okay, okay, I think we should make Sam be the spinner this time, since she's obviously the most flexible!" Daniel declared.

"She's also the most squashed at the moment!" Sam's muffled voice travelled up from the heap.

SG1 slowly disentangled themselves and got to their feet. They all looked very ruffled. Hammond could now see that they were standing on a mat with multi-colored circles on it.

"They're playing Twister... I brought them a bunch of board games to keep them diverted... it's so strange, sir, it's like they have the attention spans of children, which granted isn't that unusual for Colonel O'Neill, but as for the rest of them..."

"Why the games though, doctor?"

"Well, it is keeping them relatively happy, sir, and before I took them the games all they were doing was harassing the Airmen for dessert and coffee."

"I see."

"That's the last game though, so I'll probably have to think of something else soon. Maybe they'll crash from the sugar in their systems soon."

"It sounds more like they're having a slumber party than anything else, doctor," Hammond commented as they watched Daniel collapse on top of Jack and Sam and everyone started laughing again.

"Yes, sir, I was thinking the same thing. On that note, maybe I could set up a movie for them."

"That might be a good idea, doctor. And please, find out what's wrong with them."

"Yes, sir."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"I think I have a lot of work I should be doing," Sam commented casually.

"Me too," Daniel agreed.

"They won't let us leave the room, there's nothing you can do about it," Jack said with a shrug. "But I can't play Twister any more. My back and knee hurt. Anyone want to give me a massage?" he asked hopefully.

"No sir."

"I'll pass, Jack."

"I will give you a massage, O'Neill," Teal'c said calmly.

Sam and Daniel did impressive goldfish impressions at their largest team member.

"Uh... o...kay," Jack finally agreed.

Teal'c put one hand on Jack's shoulder and started his 'massage' and Jack squealed and jumped away.

"Thanks, all better!" he called, rubbing at his poor shoulder. "God, that was like a Vulcan death grip or something," he muttered to Carter, who was giggling.

"I thought you didn't watch sci-fi, sir," she challenged, still laughing.

"Well, I... I mean everyone knows about... oh shut up," he grumbled.

Janet entered with an Airman wheeling a television cart. "Movie time, children!" she called cheerfully.

"What are we watching?" Daniel asked, going over to the love seat, the only really comfortable piece of furniture in the room, and grabbing a seat. Sam, Jack, and Teal'c all eyed the space next to Daniel and made mad dashes for it; nobody wanted to end up sitting on the floor. Janet watched the three of them trying to elbow each other out of the way.

Teal'c and Jack finally both managed to wedge themselves in on the small sofa with Daniel, although Janet wasn't sure they'd ever be able to get up again, they were so tightly packed. Sam gave up struggling with Jack and Teal'c and zeroed in on Daniel, the only one she actually stood a chance at physically moving.

"Daniel, come on, let me sit there."

"No way."

"Daniel... please?" she tried, turning on a dime from tugging at his arms and shoving at his shoulders to giving him a sweet smile.

"That look's not going to work on me, Sam, go try it on Jack."

Janet looked at Daniel in surprise. Those kinds of comments were something that everyone always avoided.

Sam, smart girl that she was, changed tactics. She turned to Janet and said, "Could I have some popcorn during the movie?"

"Sure, Sam," Janet replied as she popped the tape in the VCR.

"I'll share with whoever lets me sit on the couch," she offered.

"There's a nice spot right here, Carter," Jack offered, patting the overstuffed arm of the sofa. She finally gave up and perched on the armrest, resting her chin on her knees.

"You look like a... Danny, what are those little bugs called that roll up into little balls..."

"Pill bugs?" Daniel suggested.

"Roly-polies!" Jack said at the same time.

"They're the same thing," Daniel said.

"No they're not..."

"Yes, sir, actually, they are," Janet said quickly, wanting to avoid an argument. "Okay, I'll go get your popcorn, Sam."

"Thanks, Janet."

"Can I have some too, please?" Daniel asked, giving her a puppy-dog look. Well, at least he wasn't asking for more coffee.

"Okay, but I've only got two bags left, so you'll have to share."

"You keep popcorn in your office?" Jack asked. "How come you've never shared before?"

"Because then you'd always be in my office, Colonel," Janet replied mildly.

"Good point," Jack and Daniel both said. They looked at each other and shrugged.

"Jan? Can I have a Diet Coke too, please?" Sam asked.

"All right."

"I want regular," Jack said quickly. "Please," he added.

"Okay. Popcorn and drinks. Teal'c, do you want ginger ale or something else?"

"Ginger ale would be most refreshing, Dr. Fraiser. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Okay, before I go, does anyone want anything else, because this is the last time I'm asking."

Everyone was quiet for a few moments. Then Sam piped up, "Can you bring me a blanket too?"

Janet made an irritated sound at the back of her throat and went to go get all of their crap for them. She already had one teenager at home, she didn't need to be put in charge of four more here... and the more demanding they were the less time she could spend trying to figure out what was causing all of this in the first place.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Any luck, Doctor?" Hammond asked as he entered the infirmary again.

"Well, with determining what's causing their behavior, no sir, but they have been fairly quiet for the past hour and a half."

"The movie worked?"

"Yes, sir. They're watching Jurassic Park... it was the last video in the library that Teal'c hasn't watched yet."

Hammond came round to her side of the table to see his team on the monitor for himself. "Doctor, did you authorize this?" he asked sharply.

"Authorize what, sir... oh dear." Janet had been so busy with their medical records that she hadn't looked at the monitor for some time, finding it easier to keep it turned down low enough not to distract her but to where she could hear if they started getting restless again.

Sam was no longer perched on the arm rest. While it was hard to be certain, since all four of them were snuggled under the blanket Janet had brought for Sam, it looked like she was sitting half on Teal'c's lap, and half on Jack's.

Hammond left without saying anything. Janet hurried after him. She felt very much like a busy mother who had finally got all of her children to bed for the night, and she really didn't want Hammond getting them all riled up again.

Hammond walked into the isolation room and frowned immediately. Not one of the four people on the sofa meant for two acknowledged his entrance. While he wasn't as formal as most Generals were, he still expected people to at least sit up straight when he entered a room, but SG1 – even Carter, hadn't even looked away from the television.

He stood in front of the television with his arms crossed. That got their attention, but still, nobody moved. "General, you're blocking the tube!" Jack objected.

Janet paused the movie. "Sir... they're comfortable, I think they're about to fall asleep," she tried quietly, pulling him aside so SG1 wouldn't overhear.

"Doctor, my Second-in-Command has his Second-in-Command in his lap."

"She's also in Teal'c's lap as well... and Daniel's got his legs stretched out over all three of them," Janet pointed out. "Sir, the movie's already halfway over, please. Let's just leave them be and hope that none of them gets a second burst of energy any time soon."

"All right, Doctor, but I want an explanation for all of this as soon as possible."

"Yes, sir."

They started to leave.

"Janet!" Sam and Daniel chorused, while Jack called, "Doc!" and Teal'c said, "Dr. Fraiser," all at the same time.

"What?" she asked, turning back to them with a wince.

"Can you turn the movie back on?" Daniel asked.

She punched the Play button on the VCR and left them. They were so going to owe her for this. All of them.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"No!" Janet moaned as a loud noise from the Isolation room caught her attention. The nice, peaceful, cozy cuddly team she had left happily watching Jurassic Park was now having a loud, violent pillow fight with the sofa cushions.

This was the last straw. She wasn't doing this anymore. She made a couple of quick pit-stops and made her way to their room. Her heels clicking rapidly on the concrete floor, she hurried to the Isolation quarters and entered at full steam, dodging a flying cushion and yelling, "FREEZE!"

Everyone stopped where they were and looked at her. Sam was standing on the coffee table with a pillow raised over her head, on a frozen but direct path to Daniel's head. Jack and Teal'c were on the floor, Jack holding Teal'c in a loose sleeper hold that Teal'c was doubtlessly seconds away from escaping before Janet had entered.

"What is WRONG with you people!" Janet demanded, exasperated.

They all looked at each other and shrugged. "There's just not a lot to do in here, Janet," Sam tried to explain.

"It was just a rhetorical question... but I can't take this anymore. I can't babysit you and figure out what's wrong with you at the same time. So everyone listen up! Put the cushions back on the sofa, NOW."

They all scurried to comply.

"Now. Colonel, sit down on the couch and play with this," Janet ordered, handing him his Gameboy, which had been one of her pit-stops.

"Sam, take your laptop over to the desk in the back corner," Janet instructed, handing over the machine as she spoke.

Sam looked down at her laptop, then grinned at Janet. "Thanks!"

"You two go sit at the table and play chess," Janet added to Daniel and Teal'c, handing Daniel Cassie's magnetic chess set.

She waved the Airman standing guard into the room. "Take all of these games and the television out of here," she told him.

When SG1 started to complain, she held up her hand. "Your way didn't work, it just made me want to come in here and shoot the lot of you, so we're trying it this way. Everyone stay where I've put you and just... focus on what I've given you to do, until I come to get you for bed. Understood?"

"Yes," they all mumbled.

"And you can all think about how badly you're going to want the surveillance footage of yourselves back for safekeeping, and what it might take to persuade me to hand it over."

Janet turned and left them alone.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Fifteen minutes later...

"BOOOOOORING..."

Jack looked up. "Who said that?"

The end.