Ch 16. Red Warmth
"Pathetic. Truly pathetic." Tao Ren glowered some more at the vases and small-sized sculptures occupying every corner of the guest room in symmetrical fashion, looking indispensable as they were breakable. They beckoned for him to shatter them, enticing Ren with offers of relief from his current irritability. "It's no use thinking about her." One slender piece gleamed forth from the only table in the room. Under what little light there was, it shined lustrous as the smooth side of an oyster shell in sun skimmed water. He ran a fingertip along its sides, feeling the polished surface sooth his mind. The simplicity in its shape didn't seem boastful like the displays on the shelves—the ones he felt like breaking. Hell, even the table it occupied flaunted its carved designs and lacquer finish.
"Don't break what you can't pay for."
"Gaaah!"
"Ooops. Didn't mean to startle you."
"Don't be sneaking up on me and then saying 'oops'! Why are you here? Can't you find someone else to annoy?"
"How cruel!" said Jun while flashing him an appropriately pained expression. She walked over to the nearest windows and pushed the paper screens open. The afternoon light came in to illuminate the crème-colored walls. "You must have forgotten that this is my home and you are the guest. Unless you'd like to be sent back to father's," she trailed, leaving her brother to muse over the rest.
"Don't be ridiculous. I'd get my own place before I go live with that man. It's not like I can't afford it."
Jun blinked at the claim, lashes lightly fluttering. Dully, she retorted, "Your being a freeloader here makes me think otherwise. In any case, what were mulling over just now?"
Shoulders suddenly straightened, Ren scoffed at the remark in a show of distaste. "There was no mulling on my part. That woman could never cause me to mull."
Pensive tapping on her chin commenced. "Hmm. That's interesting," was delivered with plenty of hints that the speaker stood on the brink of smirking.
"Enough with the mystery talk! What's interesting?"
"I only said 'what.' There was no mention of any woman," came innocently a line.
For once Ren was speechless and could only gape at the sibling smirking before him.
"You're so obvious, Ren. Which is why," switching from playful to serious, she emphasized, "you need to be careful."
"I have no idea what it is you're telling me to be careful about." Even he wasn't sure about the sincerity of his own words. Yet, he couldn't have others worrying about him. "Seems your concern is needless, though."
"Asakura Hao is onto great things. He is not someone you want to cross, and certainly not for a woman." With a grave expression on her face, his sister looked older and even worn down. All those years he'd grown up with Jun and her constant teasing, it had never crossed his mind that she would ever be anything but youthful.
Still, other matters vexed him more. "You've been prying, nee-san. I don't like that."
"There was no prying on my part. You may think that you're being discreet, but you're really very obvious with everything you do and feel." She pleaded with her almond-shaped eyes. "Just listen to me on this one. Stay on Hao's good side."
"I already said." His jaws clenched and he couldn't help it. "I already said don't worry about me."
"Ren…"
"We'll leave it at that then."
"But—"
His fist came crashing down on the round table. Its round carved legs wobbled for a bit. "When you were busy running around with him, did I say anything? Did I ever say anything to you about your affair with Asakura Hao?" He glared at the table supporting his heaving body. He hated yelling at his sister and couldn't do so while looking at her.
Through the long fray of his neglected bangs, he saw how Jun clinched her hands together. Her shoulders were pulled in timidly. "That was long over," she attested, low toned. "It had always been in the back of my head even then, that it would never amount to anything good. I already knew I would end it even as things began."
Ren rubbed sorely at the ache forming on his temples. "So we'll leave it at that then."
Jun opened her mouth to protest, and as if she thought better of it, turned her head to the side and glanced at the ground. "Very well."
At midday, Hao began to wonder if his day's work would ever end. By sunset, he found himself feeling disbelief as the last of the papers were filed away. With the reality of his finished work sinking in, he slammed the heavy covers of the record book shut and rose up enthusiastically from his seat. His body was inclined to march briskly across the compounds of his estate, quickly cutting through the maze of rooms—one chamber after another—to reach her.
But inclinations could be controlled. And his years of discipline did exactly that. With dignity, he brushed the wrinkles off his violet-colored attire and tossed the long, disheveled strands of hair behind his shoulders. He'll go to her— but he'll do so with an air of duty. Petty impulses drive the weak, and Asakura Hao had no intention of becoming such.
Breezily, he weaved through the intricate rooms and passages. He knew exactly where she would be: on the western side of the property, like she had always been since their wedding night. She'd be there for sundown, sitting motionless with her field of vision drawn to her lap, as if to contemplate all the lines and folds on her dress.
He paused routinely in front of the western doors, before prying them apart. The divided, white panels opened to a handful of maids on the veranda. Anna sat surrounded in the center. For a moment, his eyes conceived her as a still image painted against the red-dyed sunset.
With one brief tilt from Hao's chin, the maids gathered the untouched meals around her and took their leave. He heaved a long, drawn out sigh as soon as the others were gone. Instead of ignoring him like he had expected her to do, she returned his gesture with an immediate turn of the head. The look she shot him chilled.
"It's been two weeks. Will you speak to me now?"
"Even if it is to argue?"
"Yes. Even if it is to argue."
"I decline." As if to prove her point, she turned to face the opposite direction.
"Don't do that, ne?" His fingers found their way through the long golden strands draping her shoulders. He rested a chin there and watched the sun-streaked sky with her. "Are you really still mad at me?"
She laughed aloud. "Still mad at you? What did you expect?"
"I suppose I did force you to marry me...in a sense. At any rate, aren't you tired of being mad at me?"
"Not at all."
"Well, I'm tired of you being mad at me."
"A tough life you have."
"But at least you're speaking to me now."
"Then I'll stop." She felt herself resigning to Hao's warmth on her back.
"You'll only become bored."
"So I'll be bored then."
"We talk in circles a lot." Somehow there was sadness in his voice.
"Yes, we do." She had gone soft. That she knew. The hardened exterior that had only seemed natural before was becoming difficult to maintain now.
"It's okay to let your guard down once in a while. It's only me." Those words seemed to echo. She got up to leave. "Have you ever seen your own mother's face?" he asked suddenly with desperate eyes looking up at her. Astonished by the unexpected question he threw at her, she shook her head without realizing it. He used the quiet moment to stand up on his feet, to gaze out at the colored sky. "Aside from sketches and paintings, I have never once seen my own mother's face. I'm told I look like her. So then I wonder. Wonder why those portraits of her look nothing like the face I see reflected back at me. To say I look like her and then to give me pictures of a woman who bears no resemblance...I think how unfair, having only something so unreliable. But still—I cling to what little I have of her."
"You still have a father," Anna heard her voice say, her own eyes entranced by the vibrant red reflecting off his hair; it seemed to burn itself into her eyes
"What's strange is, though I've had over twenty-two years to think of that man as my father...I still can't get used to it. He's just too far away on that throne. " He turned back to her with a serious, penetrating look. "You're special, Anna. I had that feeling when I first saw you, but I hadn't really known it till you spoke. You say little, but you understand a lot about the nature of people." There was not much for Anna to say, but her mind raced with all the truths Hao spoke of. She felt herself stepping away. "Being perceptive of others, but always standing apart—is lonely and cold. Isn't it, Anna?" Her foot caught on the edges of her robe and brought her tumbling forward.
But strong arms caught her. "You're nearly the same as me, Anna. Carrying all that loneliness by yourself. But I can unload some of that burden for you and you can do the same for me." She couldn't stop him from leaning into her, to have their foreheads met and her pliant lips brushed against his and the words, "You're the only one I need."
In that instance, she threw away all sensibilities. Maybe she would come to regret it later. But, it was now that she was breathing, feeling wonderfully free in his touch.
There was something dreamlike in the passing of columns along the way. A surprising softness as his feet padded against the walkway. Gently he set her down upon the cushions of the bedding. And she, exhaling at the cool air wafting over her belly as the sides of her robes parted, welcomed him.
She hadn't wanted to be feared. She hadn't wanted to be admired. She just wanted to feel warmth.
And simultaneously she prayed.
For it to never burn her.
Ren couldn't help it. Against his better judgment, he sought her again. It would be for the very last time, he promised himself. In the night he set out, donning robes as deep a blue as midnight. He moved efficiently like a feline in the dark, his eyes nearly glowing green.
Little thought was given to whether he would find her alone at this hour, but he was sure Hao had been called away for the evening. At the back gates he used an old trick on the guards—throwing rocks in the opposite direction to divert attention—and easily crossed over.
Stone paths green with moss greeted him on this side of the wall. He chose the way without hesitation, simply navigating the way based on his familiarity with Hao's estate. Their days of friendship may have diminished recently, but his mental map of the place certainly hadn't. He trusted Anna could be found on the western side, where Hao's chamber should have been.
Ren's assumptions proved correct; Anna's profile could be seen against the windows of the largest chamber on the western wings. Her low and unmoving silhouette gave suggestion of a student, head bent forward, diligently studying the finest selections of prose or poetry.
Ren paced irritably in front of the terrace a bit, switching his view between the ground and the window cyclically, until finally settling on throwing pebbles at her door. It only took a couple of tries before the panels slid apart and spilled light like liquid gold, its streams of deep sunny color suffusing over the ground and ending reach just before his feet. The insects grew louder in their chirps.
Having followed the flow of light with her eyes, Anna's face flickered with an indiscernible emotion when her vision landed on him. Pond water rippled off in the distance.
"What's with the face, ojou-chan?" He couldn't help sporting a cocky grin. Seeing her slip of surprise—at least what he ended up interpreting it to be—instilled a sense of satisfaction in him.
"You again." Anna watched sternly as Ren proceeded up the steps, decreasing the distance between them.
"You're miserable as usual, Kyouyama."
"And you're still a whelp, Tao."
"Tch. I can let that one slide, but eventually you'll need to learn your place."
"Learn it yourself first, so you don't make such claims whilst standing on somebody else's property."
With one bold leap, he practically came nose to nose with her. Anna reacted by pulling her head back. "I didn't come here to banter with you," he stated coolly, brows drawn together.
"So then—" broke in the voice from the side. "What did you come here for?"
Everything inside Ren—breathing even—halted for a second. Then a frog croaked, and the crickets that had seemingly hushed themselves to eavesdrop, chattered happily again. "Hao," he seethed, not needing to turn his head to make certain. The named person lightly stepped in to claim the space between him and Anna. Unconsciously, Ren conceded his position. Why hadn't he heard Hao rounding about the corner?
"Good to see you, Ren; it's been awhile. You chose an odd time to visit though, don't you think? Not that I mind. I just hope you use the front door next time." There was nothing friendly about Hao's grin, at least not coupled with that dangerous glint in his eyes.
"Tch. Don't be so uptight," Ren attempted indifferently.
"Uptight?" Hao gave a hearty laugh. "How 'bout some tea then? I can't have you dubbing me as a bad host too." His burning eyes declared it a challenge rather than an invitation.
"Drinking tea is better than standing around." They had the makings of a safe conversation, but Ren found himself talking through his teeth. Ren knew Hao too well to relax.
"Well said." Hao motioned for them to follow. "Come this way. You too, Anna." His voice was kind, but the demand for obedience was undisguised.
"I'd rather not," she said, feet stubbornly rooted to the doorway.
With the smile still fixed on his face, Hao returned to her side. "Ren came all the way here to visit us. Let's treat him properly. Ne, Anna?" He patted her shoulders possessively. Ren noted how such simple an action caused her face to go white for a moment. His jaw clenched at the thought of this headstrong Anna responding in fear. Never had he felt such a sharp urge to pummel his friend!
But it was Anna whose small hands slapped Hao's away. "Don't touch me," she seemed to snarl.
To Ren's amusement, Hao retreated a few steps, his face colorless in the amount of time it took him to relinquish, "Alright. Alright. Get some rest—" The doors slammed out the rest. "Well, Ren" Hao said, turning back to him, the old composure having already settled back in. "Some tea then?"
The tea would certainly taste bitter.
Ren nodded his head anyway.
Anna lay unsleeping in the frittering dark. It hadn't been her intention to wait for day to break; it just happened that way. Each blow the winds dealt the door had her rousing out of sleep's comfort. Drifting off became pointless.
She listened carefully to the outside world, her heart quick to beat at the slightest notion of footstep on the floorboard. Things remained that way for awhile. Wind and rustling was all she could hear. The crickets had stopped their chattering for quite some time now, and the fact that they'd been incessant seemed long ago.
Light had seeped in gray through the paper windows when she heard him. He came about as a drunken man would. Stumbling-like and heavy footed, as if he was zigzagging and unable to decide which way to fall. She peered from her blanket, making out shadows at the door, one in the form of Hao who was bumbling between standing and leaning. Her suspicions for his drunkenness were obviously confirmed. She supposed alcohol would have been more interesting than tea anyway.
Hao partook in some sort of internal dialogue between two seemingly opposing sides in front of her door. The side that drove him to knock for admittance appeared to win at first, but before his knuckle could make a sound he immediately withdrew it, this time shaking his head exaggeratedly as he stumbled away.
The winds stopped after that.
Anna happily drifted off to sleep.
oOoOo
A/N: Wow. I finished this chapter. Finally! You guys have no idea how many different versions I wrote for this. My thanks go out to you all. Especially thanks for the ones who nudged me (and kicking me too) to update. We all know it's something I've gotten pretty slow at. LOL, I've almost gotten just as bad with replying to emails. Kat and Shaza (you know the pressure to update is on you, right Shaza?) should know that well. Oh yeah, Rukiaprincess needs to be thanked too. Having her read over the drafts kept me from half-assing on certain parts. She did it by way of guilt. "It's obvious you don't like to write about certain characters," she said. Yikes. I really didn't want that to show. I hope it doesn't now.
I'll be slaving away on my other fic now. Those other set of readers has been quietly nudging me too.
--March 15, 2006