A Surprising Turn of Events

Spike walked up to the reception desk, giving Harmony a nod in greeting. "Hey, Harm. Know what this whole meeting things been called about?"

Harmony smiled a hello in return, perkily stapling papers together. "Hey, Spikey! No, I'm not sure what it's all about. Lorne and Wesley, and well, everyone, marched right into the meeting room about half an hour ago. " The stapling paused as she gave Spike a pensive look. "You didn't steal the Viper and crash it, did you? Or steal the Viper and crash it into a schoolyard? Because you know how cranky Angel would get if you smashed up his favourite car. And then he'd be all broody with all the, 'Argh, my car killed school children' and the whole big guilt routine." She gave another heartfelt sigh and shrugged a shoulder. "I was really hoping to skip work early today and he'll never let me if he's in a snit."

Spike took his eyes off the secretaries he'd been watching when he heard a pause in the monologue. "Huh, what? Look never mind, guess I might as well square my shoulders and barge into the proverbial lions den." He tugged on his dusters lapels and strode up to the door. "Wish me luck, yeah?"

Harmony threw him a slightly worried smile and a wave as Spike swung open the doors and waltzed in.

Angel, Wesley, Gunn and Lorne were huddled around the meeting table, stopping their heated discussion quickly and turning to stare at Spike with looks of discomfort.

"Well boys, whatever the news is it obviously isn't good, so why don't you just tell me what's going on." He grabbed a chair and spun it out, throwing himself down into it before resting his hands on the table. "And might I add I haven't nicked the Viper. Or run over school kiddies in it." He shook his head ruefully. "Yeah, never mind that last bit."

The others looked at each other, not knowing where to start. Gunn subtle foot tapping on Wesley's leg became outright kicking until Wesley finally mouthed an indignant 'Ow!' at Gunn and cleared his voice to begin.

"Spike, we've had some unusual reports come in from the security scans that are used when entering the building's premises." He cleared his throat once more and grimly looked at Spike. "I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but, well, we have reason to believe that you're pregnant."

Spike's face was a blank for a second before tuting loudly and rolling his eyes. "Well, how about that then."

Everyone stood about him in a half-circle intently watching for a reaction and were strangely disappointed when Spike just raised his eyebrows and stared back at them.

Gunn bravely spoke up first. "That's it? That's all you're going to say? Spike, your pregnant, like, WOMAN pregnant! Doesn't that freak you out?"

"Charlie boy, I've been chipped, beaten up by Hell Gods, driven insane by a soul, burnt alive and brought back to life by a piece of costume jewellery, and been dumped for a demon which was fifty percent antlers and slime. Of course I'm pregnant. Because god knows fate has royally fucked me over enough times."

There was a small laugh in the heavy silence. "Dru dumped you for a Chaos demon?"

Spike glared over at Angel. "Way to focus on the important things."

"I'm just saying, they're not the prettiest things. Kind of smell to." Angel let out another laugh. "And Dru dumped you for one. Wow."

Wesley decided to jump in quickly before purchasing had to order yet another batch of furniture. "Yes, thank you Angel. Now, Spike, do you have any idea at all how this may have happened?"

Spike shrugged his shoulders. "A Wizard did it."

"I'm serious, Spike. We need to know what happened in order to know how to approach this. Do you have any idea at all?"

"I'm telling you, a sodding Wizard did it." Spike rolled his eyes. "Look, I was at the pub, having a few pints, went to check out the pool table and knocked into some bloke, sent half his beer down him. Next minute there's magic pixie dust coming out of his pocket and I've got a rack out to here and my willy's gone walkabout."

There were frowns all round and discrete internal battles not to cross legs in shared masculine terror.

"So how did you know he was a Wizard?" Wesley asked, curious.

"Because he said, and that's what happens when you spill beer on a Wizard."

"Oh, right."

Spike shrugged his shoulders again. "Got lots of drinks bought for me, got to go into the ladies, for curiosities sake mind, and then after a good nights sleep, it wore off."

'Okaay," Lorne said, "Well the wizard might explain how Blondie Momma Bear –

"Oi!"

" - got gender switched, but how on earth did you end up placing an order in for Mr Stork?

Angel clapped his hands together, rubbing them vigorously. "Well, I'm sure that part's not important. But what is, is trying to…"

Spike's eyes narrowed down into slits of annoyance. "Angel did it! He's to blame! Went over to doss down on his couch and then he got me all drunk and vulnerable and shit, and knocked me up!"

"Angel! Shame on you", Lorne cried out as everyone stared at Angel with varying degrees of horror.

"Oh, please." Angel yelled indignantly. "Got you drunk? When are you not drunk? And then there was the whole staring at me, and touching, and going on about new car smells and getting behind the wheel and giving you a test drive. How is that taking advantage?"

"Yeah right, like you weren't doing your fair share of staring yourself!"

"You came to my door with breasts, Spike. Of course I was going to stare! Especially with that t-shirt barely covering anything." Angel crossed his arms, refusing to look at anybody and muttering. "Bouncing about the place." He lowered his voice even further but the word nipples snuck out.

"That's lovely, Angel," Wesley said dryly, "And perhaps you'd like to stop there."

"Oh bloody hell!"

"What is it?"

"My jeans!"

"Your…jeans?"

"Yeah, just bought the bloody things, didn't I," Spike said glumly. "Brand new and fifty bucks. Christ, I'm going to get too fat to wear them aren't I? Going to end up in tracksuit pants with egg down the front of my sweatshirt, shuffling around in slippers and crying when I can't get the right flavour of ice-cream."

Wesley sighed. "You're pregnant, Spike, not geriatric."

"God, I hope the baby doesn't take after you, Angel. It'll be some huge monstrosity with a monobrow and a forehead you could rest your beer on. And that's just if it's a girl."

"I don't have a monobrow", Angel yelled. "And please, like it will be any better off taking after you. You'll end up giving birth to a couple of cheekbones and a lower lip."

Spike slowly blinked as comprehension sunk in. "Birth?" He suddenly sprang upright in his seat. "Birth! Bloody hell, how on earth does that work out?" Spike's eyes darted about with increasing horror as he slowly turned white, then green, and then white again. "That's it, I'm cutting the sodding thing out now."

Wesley wearily ran a hand over his face. "Spike, you're not cutting it out. At least not at this stage. We need to find out more about this, see what you are in fact carrying. Whether it's demon or human or a combination of both."

Spike slunk further down in his chair. "Great, more scientists poking and prodding, just what I need."

Lorne gave Spike a sympathetic look and tried to change the subject onto a slightly less lab-based topic. "So my glowing little muffin cake, have you thought about names?"

Gunn winced slightly, waiting for the ranting, and quite possibly, the raving. He was surprised though when Spike swung in his seat towards Lorne, leaning over with a serious look on his face.

"I was thinking maybe John or Elizabeth. Good solid English names, you know. Something traditional."

"You're naming it now?" Angel said with a dubious raise of his eyebrows.

"Well, yeah," Spike retorted. " If I name it it's less likely to make me want to rip my guts out with my own hands and flush it down the loo." He patted his stomach fondly. "Isn't that right, Elizabeth."

Angel kept his head down, his voice quiet. "You can't call it Elizabeth."

"I see, and why can't I call my fucking baby what I want?"

"Because." He lowered his voice to an angry hiss. "Because it's Buffy's name. It's too creepy."

"You total git! Her real name is Buffy, not Elizabeth. For whatever bad taste reasons that's what's on her birth certificate." Spike leapt out of his chair, a finger of indignation waggling at Angel. "And furthermore Buffy has green eyes not blue! You moron. Oh, Buffy is my One True Love. Wanker!"

"What are you on about?"

Spike threw his arms up in the air in frustration and sat back down again. "Oh, nothing."

"Wesley, can hormones kick in five seconds into a pregnancy?"

"Fuck you."

"Trying for twins now are we?" Wesley muttered as he rearranged his papers.

"Look, this isn't getting us anywhere. We need to get Spike down to the lab, get him checked out," Gunn raised a placating hand. "Quickly and with the minimum of prodding. And find out what we're dealing with here. Agreed?"

Lorne laid a reassuring hand on Spike's shoulder as he saw his increasingly dejected face at the thought. He gave a nervous laugh and patted Spike's slumped shoulder. "Don't worry my little bun warmer, there's always a good side that can be found to any situation."

Spike raised his eyes to give Lorne a dirty look. "Let me see, I'm up the duff, I live in a mouldy shoebox, I've got no regular income coming in, I can't drink or smoke for nine months and…" Spike waved his hand about fumbling to come up with a fifth. "And I'm unwed!"

"Have you completely lost it," Angel asked in horror.

"I'm just saying, how's it going to be when I have to sit down little Johnny and explain to him that he's a bastard. Taking after your side of the family in that regard I'd reckon."

Gunn snorted. "I think Johnny's gone to have enough issues when it find out his parents are two dead male vampires" He paused for a second in awe. "Man, that's going to be one hell of a messed up kid."

"Uh, hello!", Angel snapped. "Johnny, Elizabeth, whatever the hell's in Spike's stomach, is going to turn out just fine."

Spike let out a small groan, shuffled back into his chair and rubbed a hand across his forehead. Lorne looked at him with concern. "You feeling alright?"

"Feeling a bit off. Probably just a bit hungry that's all." He suddenly frowned. "Hey, you don't think this is hurting the little nipper, me being peckish?"

Angel looked up the ceiling, clenching his jaw. "Spike, stop the act and just…" With a heaving sigh he stopped and changed direction. "Look, just stay there, I'll go get you some blood." He hoisted himself out of his chair and strode out of the door as Spike weakly raised his hand in thanks.

Spike perked up in his chair and shot the rest of the gang an evil smirk as the door swung shut. "Well, would you just look at that. There really is a good side to all of this after all."