Notes: Co-written with CCS AnGeL00.
"Thanks for inviting me here, Tenten," Lee said cheerfully, plopping onto the floor beside his teammate. "Too bad Neji couldn't make it."
"I wanted a team outing, but two-thirds is still better than none," she replied cheerfully, handing him a bowl of popcorn. "Too bad Neji had to do some family thing."
They chatted amiably, flipping through channels. Every so often, Lee would mention Sakura and turn into a charming shade of red whenever Tenten teased him about it. She was just about to flip past one of the fuzzy channels when it suddenly sprang into focus.
"Is that Neji?" asked Lee, peering at the screen. "With a cape?"
"And a mask. In a leather thong," added Tenten, fascinated. Then, "What is he HOLDING? It's pink and…long."
"The Hyuuga Penis Pump. Increase your size and pleasure," intoned Neji. He looked bored. "Now back to the live presentation."
"…" said Lee.
"…" answered Tenten.
"Oh baby, harder. Who is your daddy?" The actor was saying his lines in a monotone, lying on his back and trying his very best to avoid the camera. Even so, they knew immediately that it was Neji.
"…" said Tenten.
"…" answered Lee.
The screen began to lose focus, and they leapt to their feet, spilling popcorn. "GRAB THE ALUMINUM FOIL LEE!" yelled the kunoichi, scrambling to find a blank tape.
Waving sheets of foil, Lee charged into the room, frantically wrapping the television's antenna and adjusting it until they had near perfect picture. Tenten popped the tape into the VCR and clicked record, just in time to hear their teammate's latest line.
"…did he just say—"
"—'spank me harder, Mommy'?" finished Lee weakly.
"Oh, Stripperman, you're so biiiiig," moaned the girl on TV. "You're so gooooood it hurts. I want you even more, you rabid pumping demon! Give it to me baby! Give me more!"
"STRIPPERMAN?" screamed Lee, doubling over with hysterics.
"RABID PUMPING DEMON?" howled Tenten, rolling on the floor, convulsing with laughter and tears. "Who WROTE that script?"
"It is because of the Hyuuga Penis Pump," Neji reported. "It increases size and pleasure."
"Size does matter," the gyrating girl panted. "Oh, Stripperman, don't stop! It hurts even more when you do!"
"Oh Candy, you are so sweet that I want another one," said Neji, in the same monotone.
"Well, Stripperman," Candy said coyly. "That can be arranged."
Lee and Tenten watched with open mouths as a buxom blonde sauntered into the bedroom. "That's Ginger, my friend," Candy gasped in between thrusts.
"Oh Stripperman," the blonde cooed, "I'm so honoured that you'd choose to have a threesome with me and Candy."
"Come here you sweet thing, and let me try some of your sugar," Neji told her.
"Oh, you want Sugar too?" Ginger asked, snapping her fingers. "Do you want Coco as well?"
"What I really want to see is how many licks it will take to get to your gooey, chewy centre." The Hyuuga prodigy didn't even bother to leer, which made his teammates cry from both shame and hilarity.
"Did someone call me?" a petite brunette asked, stripping aside the scarlet satin curtains from the bed. She was wearing strappy heels and nothing else. "Oh, Stripperman, so this is where you've been hiding," she pouted, climbing onto the bed and joining the other girls. "You've been a very naughty boy. I think you need to be punished."
"Punish Candy," Neji told her. "She was the one that wanted me all to herself."
"Oh, Stripperman, you're so mean," pouted Candy, who shrieked when Sugar jumped her.
"Oh, Stripperman, don't you want to see exactly how sticky and gooey I really am?" purred a coy Ginger, advancing on what seemed like a very bored Neji. "I'm sure you'll appreciate it."
"You first; let's see your cherry lips engulf my lollipop," he informed her. "But you need to suck hard to get most of the flavour."
"Did someone call me?" a girl asked. Ginger brightened.
"Cherry!" she said. "I didn't think you'd come!"
"Oh, she will come all right," intoned Neji. "I will make sure of it."
"HOLY FUCK, I CAN'T BREATHE," Tenten screeched, holding her splitting sides. "I THINK HE JUST KILLED ME!"
"I'VE LEFT THE SPRINGTIME OF MY YOUTH AND ENTERED THE WINTRY DEPTHS OF DEATH," declared Lee, pounding Tenten's floor.
"And he says it all in the same tone," Tenten gasped, sitting upright long enough to notice that the television was starting to blur again. "HOLY SHIT, LEE, WEAR WHAT'S LEFT OF THE ALUMINUM FOIL AND STAND BESIDE THE TELEVISION! WE CAN'T LOSE THIS!"
"WE MUSTN'T MISS THE ENDING OF NEJI'S SHAME!" yelled Lee, frantically moving the roll of foil around his body.
"YES, WE HAVE PICTURE!" crowed Tenten.
"So Stripperman," cooed Ginger, brushing a finger against Neji's chest. "Who did you like best?"
"Yes, Stripperman; we were all so well pleased, but we want to know who pleased you the best," chimed in Sugar. Candy and a girl that was presumably Coco nodded their heads. Neither Tenten nor Lee could see what Cherry was doing with her hands.
"I can not decide. I think we are going to have to do it all over again," he told them, and the screen faded out just as Tenten and Lee asphyxiated themselves with laughter.
Tenten arrived to training the next day, but not after a night of very scary dreams about horny candy and Neji the Sexy Superhero. She and Lee were the first to arrive ("He had a busy night," Tenten managed to tell Gai, biting her lip so hard she drew blood) but Neji appeared soon after.
"Hi," Tenten squeaked out, not daring to meet Lee's eyes, for she knew she would double over laughing. "Did you… have a good night?" Her stomach was starting to hurt from holding in her laughter.
Neji blinked. "As well as could be expected."
Lee coughed to hide his snigger. "Did you have any dessert? I've heard there are lots of sweet, gooey, chewy things to try."
"You know I'm not a fan of sweets," Tenten had to stab herself with her kunai to keep from busting out laughing. She collected herself and looked at him straight in the eye. "You didn't even have a craving for sugar, ginger, cherry, cocoa, or candy?" Her willpower dissolved completely and she fell over clutching her stomach.
"What's going on here?" Gai asked, looking down at Tenten who had tears streaming down her face. Even his prized student had lost control!
"Ask Captain Cun-" Tenten couldn't even finish her thought without bursting into more peals of laughter.
"…" Neji said again.
Gai looked over at Lee. "Neji stared in a pornography video as Stripperman with four women," Lee told Gai; the colour drained from Neji's face. "He wore a thong and EVERYTHIIIIING! Tenten and I taped it!"
"And if anything happens to us," Tenten panted when Neji activated his Byakugan, "that tape will get out to EVERYONE."
Gai blinked. "You were watching PORNOGRAPHY? GAI KICK OF SHAME AND EMBARRASMENT!" Gai high kicked Lee as hard as he could. "You and Tenten aren't even dating! I'm shocked at you Lee!"
Even embedded into a tree, Lee was doubled over with hysterics. "But N-neji was so funny! He had no expression the whole time and all the girls had to do everything!"
Gai gasped. "NEJI I AM SHOCKED AT YOU!" Neji felt even lower, if possible. "IF YOU MUST ENGAGE IN INTERCOURSE PLEASE LEARN TO DO IT PROPERLY!"
"…" Neji said again. WHAT?
"When you are with a woman… or four, you must learn to please her before you PLEASE YOURSELF!" Gai posed. "HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?"
"It was five," corrected Tenten in between gasps of laughter. "Five girls and Captain Neji."
"STRIPPERMAN!" Neji burst out. They could at least get the damn name right!
"While I commend your stamina and creativity, I am very upset with your lack of delicacy," Gai did what he thought was an erotic pose, hands over his crotch. "Now I will show you the mysterious art of PLEASING A WOMAN!"
"..." Neji snorted. "Like you'd have much experience."
"Of course, I do! During the peak of my youth, the flowers of the village would seek me out, burning for me upon hearing of my commendable stamina," Gai proclaimed. He placed a hand on Lee's shoulder. "Before long, Lee shall rise as the next Great Wall of China: he shall go on and on for miles on end. Now, Lee, Tenten, please come here." They did as their teacher asked, still hiccupping with laughter. "Now Lee, lay on the ground and Tenten straddle him. Yes, climb on him like that."
Neji's mind broke right then. Especially when his teammates ACTUALLY DID AS THEIR TEACHER SAID.
"Now Tenten, please simulate the rocking motions as one would during intercourse." Neji couldn't breathe. "MAKE SOUND EFFECTS! YOU'RE NOT THRUSTING INTO A DEAD BODY LEE! SHE IS A LOVELY, HOT, WET-" Neji hurt. Neji not able to make thought. Brain melted.
"Oh my GOD, STRIPPERMAN!" Tenten yelled.
"IT'S SUPER STRIPPERMAN, CANDY! LEARN IT RIGHT OR I'M GOING TO DO SUGAR INSTEAD!"
"CALL ME YOUR SWEET CANDY, SUPER STRIPPERMAN! CALL IT LOUD!"
"OH SWEET CANDY YEAH!"
"FIND MY GOOEY CENTER NOW!"
"YOU ARE IN THE PRIME OF YOUR LIFE!" screamed Gai, egging his students on. "THE PRIME OF YOUR SEX LIFE! YOU SHOULD HAVE PASSION! FURY! AND MOST OF ALL! YOU SHOULD BE THUMPING THE CRAP OUT OF ONE ANOTHER! WHILE TREASURING HER INNER FLOWER AND HIS STEM!"
As if Neji wasn't mortified enough, his three hundred and fifty-nine degree vision informed him that three bodies were approaching their… training. He felt sorry for them—now he would have to kill them.
"…" Shikamaru said intelligently when he saw Tenten and Lee going at it fully clothed.
"…" Ino agreed.
"…" Chouji was choking on his chips so badly he was turning blue.
"I think you're doing it wrong," Ino finally said, walking towards the dry-humping couple and pulling Tenten off of Lee. "You're not finding your rhythm so that leads to premature orgasms. Let me show you." She took Tenten's place and began going at it with such ferocity that everyone else's eyes bugged out. "You also have to scream much louder than that," Ino informed Tenten, panting a bit with exertion. "OH YOU ARE SO GOOD, DON'T STOP—what's the pseudonym you're using?" she asked Lee.
"Super Stripperman," he told her.
"OH YOU ARE SO GOOD, DON'T STOP SUPER STRIPPERMAN!" screeched Ino. Her voice rang in the training area.
"So what's this about?" Shikamaru asked Tenten, mesmerized by his teammate's rolling hips. Chouji couldn't take his eyes off them either.
"We caught Neji in porn," offered Tenten, giggling at the thought itself. "After watching a commercial about a penis pump."
"When you're in the missionary position," lectured Ino, switching positions with Lee, "you can also use your legs to control the rhythm. "And flex the muscles in your gluteus maximus with each thrust; it increases pleasure."
"I thought that your hands were more useful for that sort of thing," argued Gai. Ino snorted.
"That's what all men think. Watch," and she began to demonstrate for them. "Guys, sometimes, your tongue is the most important organ you can use in sex." Chouji, Shikamaru, Neji and Gai's mouths dropped open.
"That's hot," Tenten finally ventured.
The males nodded their heads in tandem.
"Chouji, Shikamaru, get over here," Ino finally said, pushing Lee off of her. Lee looked like he was about to fall over, his expression was so blissed out. "While we're here, we might as well show them what a proper threesome looks like."
"Ino, I don't think that's a good idea…" started Chouji.
Ino sighed, exasperated. "Get over here," she commanded. Shikamaru and Chouji walked towards her very slowly, as if they were in acute pain. "Now," began Ino, positioning her teammates, "this is the basic formation. What you want to do is find a rhythm between your hips and mouth. Sometimes, it's easier to use your hand the first few times instead of your mouth."
"There were definitely a lot of hands and mouths last night," Tenten said slyly, looking at Neji. He refused to christen that comment with one of his own.
"But remember Neji," Ino said seriously, disengaging herself from Chouji and Shikamaru, much to their evident disappointment, "when in doubt, lie on your back. The girl can always take over." She paused. "Unless there's more than one. Then you need to start learning how to multitask."
"I'm sure Stripperella—"
"It's Stripperman," interrupted Neji crossly.
"—can figure that out. He's still in the springtime of his youth, and I'm sure," and Lee smirked, "he has many more chances to practice."
"I have an idea, my pupils!" boomed Gai. "Why don't the three of you practice together? That way, I'm sure that Neji will be ready for his next shoot!"
"I'll join in. We can have a foursome," offered Ino. "I'll even teach you about using food and aphrodisiacs and that sort of thing. Chouji," and the blonde kunoichi stuck a thumb over her shoulder in the general vicinity of her teammate, "makes me feel like a plate, but good foodplay shouldn't do that."
"Hey Neji," said Tenten, her eyes dancing, "is there a Hyuuga Vibrator to go with the Hyuuga Penis Pump?"
"…yes," he admitted.
"Oh, and toys are always useful when you've got so many people involved," added Ino. "Good thing your family is practically the kings of the sex industry; we can probably get these things for free, or at least, discounted."
Lee crowed and pumped his fist in the air. "I will finally learn the art of pleasing a woman! I am leaving springtime and entering the heat of summer! Gai-sensei, this is such a wonderful idea!" cried Lee.
"Lee!" replied Gai, tears streaming down his face. "I'm so proud of you! I hope you don't disappoint!"
"…" Neji couldn't believe that they were actually being serious about this. "My uncle could offer you guys a contract," he heard himself say. He was surprised that his melted brain wasn't leaking out of his ears.
Ino pursed her lips. "Depends," she finally said. "But I wouldn't say no if the price was right."
"What about us?" whined Chouji.
"You can join us!" chirped Tenten. "The more the merrier!"
"I'll leave you to your orgy," Gai chuckled. "Ahh, what it is to be young again."
Neji watched in perfect dismay as his teacher disappeared from sight. "Now," Ino said with a catlike smile and advancing on him. He backed up until he hit a tree. "I want to see how good Stripperman really is."
"Not fair!" said Lee. "I wanted Ino-san to finish me!"
"You'll get your chance," Shikamaru told him dryly. "But it'd be nice to have someone new," and he eyed Tenten.
Pleaseletthisbeadreampleaseletthisbeadream, chanted Neji, closing his eyes before Ino latched her mouth on his neck.
"Neji-sama," a maid said, shaking him. "Neji-sama, it's time to get up. Your uncle is asking for your presence."
Neji's eyes flew open, and he nearly fainted with relief. It had been all a dream. "Tell him I'll be there in a half hour," he informed her. She bowed and left.
"Stripperman," he snorted to himself, getting out of bed. "I should've known it was a dream." He stopped short and felt the blood drain from his face.
Sitting on his dresser was a pink penis pump.