Draknal: Alright! It's time for another fic by me! I am still working on my other fic "Fate of the Fang" but I am having some difficulty getting the plot and real events to blend. So for now, I came up with the idea for an INSANE humor fic. There is some coarse dialogue. This is a humor, it's meant to be funny, so don't flame me please. This would be my first humor fic, and I hope you guys like it!
Karla: Draknal doesn't own Fire Emblem or any of the characters, just the plot.
Draknal: On to the fic!
Christmas Insanity!
By: Draknal
Chapter One: The Discovery and the Maiming
Eliwood and his troop were on their way to the Dread Isle to fight Nergal and save the world.
They were on Fargus's ship and were crossing the sea from Badon.
"Ah, I love this time of year" said the group's tactician. His name was Jordan. He had short spiked brown hair, calm brown eyes, and a green traveler's cloak.
"What's so great about it? It's cold. I hate cold." Hector was always complaining about something.
"Well, for one thing, it's almost Christmas!" the tactician exclaimed.
"Oh, yeah. I guess with the whole "save the world" thing going on, we forgot about that."
One person in the group was confused about this. "Christmas?" asked Nils. "What's that?"
The tactician nearly fell over. "WHAT! You don't know?"
"Jordan, you have to remember, Nils isn't from around here. He doesn't know what it is." Said Eliwood.
"Oh, well Christmas is a wonderful time of year when we all get to share warm greetings with each other. We get to spend time with our loved ones. And we get presents! A magical fat man named Santa Claus brings presents to all the good people of the world!"
Nils eyes lit up with excitement. "Really? That sounds like fun. But, do you have to be good?"
"Yes, or else you get a lump of coal. Being good all year round will get you just about anything you want!"
Nils looked a bit puzzled. "But, couldn't you just go and take the presents?"
Jordan gasped. "NO! Stealing is not a good thing! Shame on you for thinking that! Besides, it's not like Santa would just fork over what it is you want."
He looked back at his now gathering troop.
"Anyway, you would have to actually find the location of Santa's Secret Workshop. Then you'd have to get past his army of elves. And then you would have to beat Santa Claus himself."
Nils was intrigued. "You said that he was a fat man, so that shouldn't be too hard."
"Ah, I said a fat magic man. Believe it or not, he's an Archsage. He's actually Athos's brother."
Eliwood popped up. "Wait a minute. He doesn't have a brother. If he did then wouldn't we know about him?"
"Well, he's actually Athos's half brother. Too long a story to explain. But, Athos chose the path of 'person who saves the world' while Santa or Saint Nick, chose the path of 'person who brings joy to the world'. Actually he prefers being called Nick, not Santa or Saint Nicholas."
"He does fly in a sleigh though, doesn't he?" asked Lyn. "That's what I've always heard."
The tactician let out a sigh. "No, he uses a Warp staff to trvel around the world at amazing speeds. How else would he get around so fast?" he said in a matter-of-fact tone.
Nils walked off to talk with Dart.
"Wait a second. Jordan, how would you happen to know all of this?" asked Hector.
"Uh… I don't. It's…just uh… I heard it from someone else… Yeah! That's it!"
"Okay," said Hector.
Jordan was amazed at how dense Hector could be some times.
"He lies!" hissed Nils, who now reappeared. He was wearing a patch over his left eye and was wearing a pirate hat.
"Nils, has Dart been telling you pirate stories again?" asked Jordan.
"Yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, YOU ARE LYING! You know all of this because you know where Santa IS!"
The tactician gulped nervously. "That's absurd Nils. How would I know where he is?"
All eyes turned upon him. He didn't like the looks on the faces of a few people of the group.
Serra turned to the tactician who was now sweating bullets. "Well, if you tell us, then we can go see him for ourselves and get what we want."
"Why would you want to do that?" he asked a bit worried.
"Well, even though some of us are good ALL year round, we just aren't happy with what we get come Christmas. It would only be fair if we went to see Santa and took what we deserve."
"Enough chat!" yelled Nils "GET HIM!"
The tactician made a break for it.
'Crap, please tell me this is not happening,' he thought to himself.
Fortunately for him, the only people who knew about this were Eliwood, Hector, Lyn, Serra, Nils, and Dart. It couldn't get too bad right?
He went to the two most responsible people on the ship, Kent and Fiora. He figured that if they sided with him, they could talk some sense into the rest of the group.
He ran into their room, completely out of breath. They were in the middle of a conversation about a new policy which would separate male and female warriors who were getting too close to each other.
"Jordan, is everything alright?" asked Kent.
He explained the situation to them. It didn't seem to have any effect on them though.
"Jordan you're just under a lot of stress. Go and rest. We'll see to it that you are not disturbed."
"Thank you Kent." With that he left and went to his room.
'Some rest will do me good. I'm sure this is all just some crazy dream or something. It'll all be over after a bit of sleep.'
A bit of sleep ended up doing more harm than good. While he was resting, some of the troop snuck in and ambushed him.
They put a sack over his head so he couldn't see and dragged him out to the main deck.
Only after he was being held down by some of the group, was the sack taken off.
'Oh no… they didn't…'
Oh yes they did. Now quite a few more were gathered then just the previous six.
About three quarters of the group were there. Nils stepped forward.
"Har har har… Well matey, it seems we've bested ye. Now you'll be telling us the location of the Secret Workshop, or else we'll be forced to keelhaul your carcass off the boat until ye do."
"What?" asked some of the gathered members.
"It means, we'll drag him under the water by using weights and a rope until he tells us where to find Santa!" said Nils angrily.
"Oh…"
"I'm not saying anything…" answered Jordan. Then he turned his head to the side as if to ignore Nils.
Nils laughed. "Oh, a quiet one eh? Well, we have ways of makin ye talk."
He pulled from his pocket a long, chewy looking, green piece of candy.
The tactician's eyes went wide. OO
"No, not that… WHERE DID YOU GET MY TAFFY!" Jordan was outraged.
"We got it from your stash in Merlinus's tent." Nils chuckled a little. "Amazing what some people will do for a little bribe."
"Merlinus you TURNCOAT!" Jordan was furious at being betrayed, again.
The chubby transporter appeared. "Sorry, young tactician, but they promised that I would get a bigger tent from Santa. They said that giving them the taffy would get you to reveal the location on Santa's Workshop."
"Now then, landlubber. Tell us or else…"
"Or else what!" he asked.
"Serra." Nils turned to the pink haired Cleric, who now had a pair of scissors out.
He handed her the taffy. She then cut a piece off and it dropped into the sea.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The tactician was horrified.
"You little bastard! I'll kill you if it's the last thing I do!"
"That is going to cost you. Do it!" Nils turned towards Serra again.
'Snip'. Another piece fell into the cold dark water.
"Stop! Please! No more!" begged the tactician.
Nils looked him in the eye. "All you have to do is tell us where the workshop is…"
"Okay! I'll tell you!"
Nils smirked. "Go on."
"The North Pole, the workshop is at the North Pole!"
Nils frowned. "FOOL! They have informed me that everyone knows he lives at the North Pole! Do you think me so stupid!"
He grabbed the taffy from Serra and threw the whole thing overboard.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The tactician was in pain again. He longed to lunge at the little bard and beat him to a pulp with his flute. But because he was being held down by Hector, Raven, and Eliwood, he was in no position to do anything.
Nils withdrew another piece of taffy from his pocket, only this time it was red.
"No, not the cherry… That's my favorite!" Jordan looked like he was about ready to cry.
"I want specific locations! Where exactly at the North Pole is he?"
The tactician was struggling to get away from the people restraining him.
"I don't know! I honestly don't know!" he almost sounded convincing.
"Oh" said Nils. He turned around and began walking away. Then he stopped. "LIAR!" He ran at the tactician and began pummeling him with his flute.
Then he grabbed the taffy and proceeded to eat it. Unfortunately for him, he had an allergy to cherries that he didn't know about. He turned green in the face and ran to the side of the ship. Loud gurgling and vomiting sounds could be heard.
After he was finished with his little episode, Nils ordered that Jordan be tied up, hands bound together behind his back, and his ankles together.
'I have to stall for time, so I can try and get some help, or escape.'
"Hey, what would you guys want from Santa anyway?"
Erk answered first. "I want the biggest can of Serra repellant he has. Last year he gave me a magic tome to attack Serra with, but guess what he got her. A Barrier Staff! So she was still able to annoy me!"
Jordan turned to Serra. "What about you?"
The pink haired she-devil took a moment to think. "Hmm… I know! I would want a dog collar with an unbreakable chain! That way my Erky couldn't run away from me!"
Soon everyone was just going around saying what they wanted.
Kent and Fiora both wanted the perfect gift for each other, but they didn't know what it was. They figured Santa would just have something that would be good.
They were too busy talking about Christmas presents to notice the tactician waddling away towards the railing of the ship (waddling because his ankles were still bound, as well as his hands).
He got to the edge of the railing when they finally noticed they were short one tactician.
'Let's see, I can either stay here and be tortured or jump into the water and either die from impact, drowning, or even the cold temperature.'
"He's gonna jump!" screamed Nils. "Get him!"
Everyone rushed to get him. Right before they could lay a hand on him he jumped.
Jordan knew how far the drop was and didn't want to have to witness the impact. So he closed his eyes. However, he never hit the water.
He decided that something had stopped him from his descent, but what. He opened his eyes and his jaw dropped.
Farina was on her Pegasus and was holding onto the tactician. Her Lance had skewered the cape of his cloak.
She winked at him. "You're not getting away that easily."
"What could you possibly want that you're money couldn't buy!" he asked.
Farina gave him an innocent smile. "Why, more money of course!"
She flew over the boat and dropped him onto the deck.
Everyone jumped at him at once. They tied up him even more than he already was, and threw him onto the deck.
Nils once again stepped forward. "Oh, a valiant effort, I'll give you that. But you failed! I didn't want to do this, but now you give me no other choice."
"What are you going to do, harm more inanimate objects to get me to talk?"
"Oh, you wish. Instead we're going to have to stick you in a room with…"
"Don't even finish that sentence… You wouldn't DARE put me in a room with the pink haired devil Serra!"
"Devil! Why I never!" Serra said in a sarcastic tone. "See if I bother healing you in the future. Can you guys imagine, me a devil?"
Everyone averted their eyes and started to whistle.
"No, not Serra. We are going to send you in a room with…"
Several members of the group moved out of the way to reveal…
Florina!
Jordan burst out laughing. "HAHAHA! Oh my god! You're kidding! Are you retarded or something! She's deadly afraid of men! What's she gonna do? Scream at me till I die?"
"Oh no Jordan, we have something that will change that."
Lucius came out from the stairway to the lower deck.
"LUCIUS! NOT YOU TOO!" Jordan was shocked that the mild mannered Bishop of Elimine would also turn against him.
"You're always such a nice person, how could you not get what you want at Christmas?"
Lucius didn't respond at first. Then he mumbled something under his breath.
"What was that Lucius?"
"I said… Santa thinks I'm a girl!"
Jordan couldn't hold back a laugh. "Well it's not like he gives you thongs and bras and things like that."
"…No comment."
oO
"Well how does this pertain to me and Florina in a room?"
Lucius pulled from his robes a Staff. It was a gold Staff with a Blood Red orb on the end of it. Jordan instantly recognized it as a Berserk Staff.
They cut Jordan's bonds and shoved him into a cabin. Then they put in Florina. Right before they closed the door, Lucius cast the Berserk spell.
Red energy flowed forth from the staff and engulfed Florina. For a minute, her eyes turned red, then they went back to normal.
Then before the rampage to come started, Nils and his group closed and barred the door.
At first nothing happened. Then they could hear Jordan trying to talk to Florina.
"Florina? Please think about what you are doing. Don't hurt me. I didn't mean what I said about you earlier."
Florina didn't respond.
Silence fell upon the room. Then all of a sudden there was a loud crash.
'BOOM' 'SMASH'
It was followed by Florina yelling, no, shrieking, "DON'T RUN BITCH! DON'T RUN! IT'S ONLY GONNA HURT MORE WHEN I CATCH YOU!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!" The tactician was clearly in a great deal of pain.
At one point in time, a Lance impaled itself in the door.
Nils was laughing maniacally. "You still have time to save yourself! Just tell us what we want to know!"
"FLORINA! NO! AAAAAAAAAACCCCKKK! MY LEG! NO NOT THAT! I NEED THAT! MY SPLEEN!"
'SMASH'
"ARE YOU STILL MOVING! I'LL JUST HAVE TO BREAK YOUR SPINE WON'T I! THEN I'LL GET YOUR LEGS!" Florina yelled.
They heard the handle of the door jiggle, but then it stopped and they instead thought they heard fingernails on the floor, which meant Florina was dragging him away form the door.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Silence…
They could hear Florina yell again, but Jordan didn't respond.
"Holy hell, I think she killed him," said Eliwood.
"One of you open the door," said Nils.
"You do it!" said Serra, "you're the leader!"
In the end they decided to draw straws. Poor Hector… He drew the short straw.
He walked over to the door and proceeded to slowly open it. He peeked inside.
"Guys, I don't see him. There's broken furniture, some torn cape shreds, a few weapons impaled in random objects…"
Then Hector saw the limp body of the tactician. He was on his stomach, with Florina on his back, bending his leg into a most uncomfortable position. It looked like it was about ready to snap.
"Scream one more time for help and I'll break your leg!" Florina was still in the mood to hurt him. "Go ahead!"
Hector closed the door again. He turned around to the gathered crowd.
"Uh, Nils, we can't get any information from him if he's dead. You might want to do something about this."
Nils and some other members of his group peered inside the room. Florina was no longer in the process of breaking his legs, no she was standing above him with a very heavy looking desk above her head. She was gonna drop it on him!
"Oh no!" said Nils. "Okay, we need to stop her from doing anything rash, but we can't let him escape again. If we use a restore staff on her before she drops the desk, then we should be able to…"
'SMASH'
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!"
"Damn, too late for that. Oh well…" said Nils.
Then they heard Florina scream.
"EEEK!"
They ran into the room to see Florina sitting in a corner. She looked about ready to cry.
"W-What happened? S-Someone hurt Jordan." Florina said in her meek tone.
Apparently she had no memory of decapitating the tactician…
Draknal: That had to hurt...
Guy: What do you have against that guy?
Draknal: Nothing, it's just funny seeing people suffer in strange ways.
Raven: At least you included us in this fic.
Draknal: Yup! If you reviewers have any suggestions to further things I could do to the tactician then let me know! I will add anythig that is given to me.
Karla: R&R! No flames, or we'll track you down and kill you. Besides, this is a humor fic.