(AN: Huzzah! Next chapter! Umm... but... lame though it is for you Wu fans, I'm afraid Wu gets a bit overlooked here. I know it was supposed to be a Wu chapter, but I realized after I'd started it that I haven't beaten DW5 with enough Wu characters to actually write out a decent segment for them. So... my deepest apologies. I hope it's funnier than the previous chapter, anyway.)

Meanwhile, in the Wu office…

"So, I'm calling this conference because I have noticed that while we do have our share of devoted fans, there are plenty of people who really couldn't care less about us," announced Sun Quan. "Certain authors have been neglecting us in their fanfics or skipping over us to include more of Wei or Shu."

"Yeah, but we have some authors who only write about us!" put in Sun Ce.

"True," said Zhou Yu, "but what do they write? ZY x SC, GN x SSX, LX x XQ… I could go on and on with the combination. Anyone who writes about Wu, only writes about ridiculous couplings!"

Sun Ce looked offended. "What's so ridiculous about ZY x SC?"

"…" Zhou Yu stared at him.

"… wait, that's us isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Damn. But there's a XQ x DQ fic isn't there?"

"No," said Zhou Yu, "and even if there were, what would that have to do with anything?"

Sun Ce shrugged. "I just think it would be a cool fic…"

"Oh just… keep quiet. So, my lord, you were saying?"

Sun Quan cleared his throat. "Yes, so, we need to—"

The doors burst open, and Sun Jian strode in. "So, trying to make the Wu country into your own little show, eh? Step aside, son! I'm the founder here!"

Sun Quan scowled. "Dammit, father! I'm the one who actually matters in the novel!"

"Well as far as Koei games are concerned, you're third in line. So go sit down and keep quiet while I lead the discussion."

Sun Quan grumbled and sat down.

Sun Ce spoke up. "Father, I have some ideas about this. Mind if I start?"

"Well… All right," said Sun Jian. "Fine, what is it?"

"Okay, so first of all, the fans just don't like Sun Quan."

"What?" Sun Quan was outraged.

"Nobody likes him," said Sun Ce. "I mean, who plays as him? There are four members of the Sun family to choose from. You know who gets picked last each time?"

Sun Quan stomped his foot. "Not true!"

"Quan, that's who. I think we need to remedy, first of all, his incredibly dorky appearance."

"What is dorky about it?"

"The beard has got to go. A goatee? Fine. But that beard makes him look… I dunno, just retarded or something."

Sun Quan was red with fury. "Who are you to criticize, you… you…"

Sun Jian nodded thoughtfully. "I see what you are saying, Ce. It's true… Quan was never very popular. Even I don't like him very much."

Sun Quan whirled to face his father. "What?"

"Neither do I," added Sun Shang Xiang.

"Sister, you too?"

"What do you mean, 'you too'? You married me off to Liu Bei to gain a political advantage! You ordered my execution when you found I'd left with him! Don't think I never learned about that!"

"I was angry!" said Sun Quan defensively. "You're supposed to be willing to sacrifice anything for your family."

"Then why don't you marry Liu Bei?" snapped Shang Xiang.

Sun Quan frowned. "Let's get serious here."

"Yeah," put in Sun Ce. "No one would ever marry Quan while he's got that beard."

"Ce! Ugh, I can't believe this… Fine, dammit! I'll ask Koei to change it in the next game!"

"I doubt they will," said Zhou Yu. "After all, you've had the same look time after time…"

Sun Ce offered helpfully, "Maybe he should, like… try for the bishounen thing?"

"No!" cried Sun Quan. "Not that. I refuse!"

"Why?"

"Because! Look at Lu Xun. I don't want to be a victim of the same sort of fandom…"

Sun Ce patted him cheerfully on the shoulder. "Don't worry. No one likes you enough for that to happen."

"… I hate you all."

Sun Jian eyed Lu Xun's midriff. "Hmm. I wonder if we dress Quan like that, show the ladies a little something more, will his popularity go up?"

Zhou Yu shook his head. "Not likely. Look at Huang Gai – he wears almost nothing, and nobody likes him."

Sun Ce grimaced. "I think that's because he wears almost nothing. Which brings me to another point, father – we've got to do something about his lack of clothes. It's really sort of gross. I mean, for the player, having to look at him all the time."

Sun Jian nodded. "Agreed."

"But, like, we could put the Qiaos in swimsuits for their alternate outfits or something."

"Also agreed."

"Excuse me?" said Zhou Yu.

Sun Shang Xiang looked disgusted. "You men! You have no idea what it is that fangirls want. I'll tell you how to make Wu popular!"

"How?" said Sun Ce.

"What do people like about us? The fact that we have lots of bishie boys, and the fact that we actually have more than one woman on our team! Girls like to play video games, too, and they don't want just men in the games. Women can fight just as well!"

"Or at least they like to think they can…" muttered Sun Quan.

"What was that?"

"Nothing…"

Sun Jian asked, "Who would you suggest, Shang Xiang? Other than you and the Qiao sisters, what important women do we have on our side?"

Shang Xiang mused, "There's always the Lady Dowager…"

"Oh GOD! Not mother!" exclaimed Quan.

"Oh GOD! Not my wife!" Sun Jian shuddered.

"Do you want to doom our nation?" cried Zhou Yu.

Shang Xiang was outraged at this reaction to mention of her mother. The room devolved into chaos.

(Shu office)

Meanwhile, in the Shu office, some of the uproar down the hall was audible. Zhang Fei took a swig of his wine and burped. "Thank goodness we aren't pansies like that Sun family, eh? Real men know how to teach women their place!"

Yue Ying glared at him. "If I didn't respect my husband's wishes to keep the peace I'd show you how women teach men to hold their tongues…"

"Urp… See what I mean? Yue Ying follows her husband's commands. That's how a good woman should be! He says shut up, she shuts up. He says bend over, she—"

Liu Bei grabbed Yue Ying and held her back. "He's drunk! He's drunk! Please, pay him no mind. Zhang Fei! Mind your manners!"

The Shu leader couldn't help wondering where his strategist was, and how long before he'd be back. Hopefully, he'd return before either his wife or the second brother ended up dead…

(Imperial Palace, ChengDu)

Within the imperial palace, Zhuge Liang had come (however unwillingly…) in answer to the Emperor's summons.

Liu Shan exclaimed happily, "Minister father!"

Zhuge Liang kowtowed. "Your Imperial Highness."

"Please stand up, minister father. No need for such formality. I am so happy to see you! There are some troubling matters I wish to discuss!"

Zhuge Liang frowned, remembering the last questions Liu Shan had asked him in court. "If they are not matters of state, perhaps Your Imperial Highness would be willing to accept this humble vassal's offer of dinner at my residence tonight. That way, we will be assured privacy, and no matter how inane your questions, I will be able to answer them. If we can get that out of the way, perhaps next time you hold an assembly of officers you will not need to ask them—"

Liu Shan interrupted with, "Will you be wearing pajamas?"

"Good Heavens no! My wife will be present, Sire, and—"

"I see! You don't want her to see you in your pajamas."

This was a bit too inane even for the brilliant Zhuge Liang to find any sort of sense behind it. He sighed. "… exactly Sire. You are exactly right. Now, as I was saying, my wife will be present, so—"

"So I shouldn't wear my pajamas, either!"

The Shu strategist rolled his eyes. "… Yes, Sire. And since my wife will be present, you will be able to send your guards away. I would rather they not be around to hear whatever unspeakable things you wish to say to me…" He shuddered at the recollection of the end to his last conversation with the Emperor.

Liu Shan nodded eagerly. "Oh, things! I wanted to talk to you about thingies."

Oh, God… thought Zhuge Liang. "… yes, Sire. Tonight, we'll discuss all of that." He was much disturbed by how excited Liu Shan looked, and wondered if he'd made a terrible mistake…

Later, at the Prime Minister's residence, Liu Shan arrived and Zhuge Liang dismissed the guards. When they were alone except for Yue Ying, Liu Shan said cheerfully, "Did you know I got new pajamas?"

"I suspected as much. You seem very excited about them," replied Zhuge Liang.

Liu Shan nodded. "I got them from some nice person from Koei! They're RoTK pajamas, and they have my father on them, and you, and peaches, and some girls dancing with pretty fans… I wore them to court yesterday."

"I see. Very interesting." Zhuge Liang stifled a grimace at the mental image of Liu Shan attending court in peach pajamas. He made a note to get that Koei employee fired, and sent Yue Ying out with it.

Liu Shan continued, "The same nice person also sent me some books with drawings of you and father and some of our friends… and enemies, too, I think. All fighting."

"Naturally," said Zhuge Liang.

"Naked."

"What?"

Liu Shan beamed. "He said it was 'hentai' or 'doujinshi' or something. What does hentai mean, minister father?"

Zhuge Liang scowled darkly. "In this particular case, it means 'eternal shame upon the Liu family, and all those connected to it.' If you come across any similar doujinshi, Sire, you should have them destroyed, and behead the person who shows it to you!"

Liu Shan looked hesitant. "Uh… okay."

Zhuge Liang sent off a note amending his earlier orders. Change to: assassinate the person who gave Liu Shan the pajamas.

Liu Shan said, "But… don't you think the people at Koei will be mad if I order them to be beheaded?"

Zhuge Liang considered that. "… for once, Sire, you speak wisely. One must be tactful in the modern age. Do not have them beheaded; inform me of the incident and I will have the offender crushed under a bullet train in a tragic and unfortunate accident."

The emperor nodded. "Okay. But can I keep the comic books?"

"No."

"You don't think we should keep them for our records?"

"No."

"… phooey."

Zhuge Liang cleared his throat. "Right, now Sire, it is time for me to try to teach you about the Empire, and what you ought to be doing. In the first place, to answer your questions about the Han and edicts. Edicts are imperial orders. You issue them, and people must obey."

Liu Shan nodded thoughtfully. "So, if I dictate in an edict that the Prime Minister has to—"

"No, no, no – let's not make edicts about the Prime Minister." Zhuge Liang shook his head quickly. "In fact, forget what I said about edicts. Just… do as I say, and we'll manage."

"Okay," said Liu Shan happily.

"Don't listen to the eunuchs. Ever. I don't even know why we have eunuchs. They always seem to turn bad."

Liu Shan was struck by an idea. "If Minister Father was a eunuch, there would be one good one!"

"… …" Zhuge Liang was at a loss for a reply. His eyebrow gave the faintest twitch.