Yuusuke, my poor boy. I miss him so much. I know he was never really here, but now he's gone forever and I don't know what I'll do without him. It's my fault, I know. I was always drunk or gone. He must have been so cold and alone at the end.

I know he blamed me, too. I know that my drinking hurt him so much. That's why he couldn't stand coming home at the end of the day, why he got in trouble to get me to notice him. But I always loved him so much, how could I not notice him? He was never home because I drank, but I drank because I couldn't stand to see him fall, couldn't stand watching my happy, loving boy slide into delinquency and sadness, anger, pain. I was so weak and now he's so far away.

Keiko wrote and said she wished she could have made it. Now I see how much my son mattered to her, now that she's found someone "better" who'll have her. Kuwabara, the boy with whom Yuusuke fought so much, cried throughout the entire funeral, his girlfriend hugging him worriedly, herself crying, the entire time. Shizuru just stared at Yuusuke's picture, her face blank, but her cheeks covered in tears. Kurama has tried to be so strong for me these past weeks, but I could tell he was very close to breaking down the whole time. At the funeral he seemed to be unable to speak, bowing respectfully to me and then to Yuusuke before he had to leave. Even that boy Hiei bowed to me slightly before following Kurama out of the room.

At first, the police told me that Yuusuke killed himself, but when they couldn't find the gun with which he supposedly committed suicide, they said he must have been killed by one of the people he had alienated, and admittedly there are many such people. Poor Kurama, still trying to soothe me, thought I believed Yuusuke would come back to me again and came to the apartment with Hiei to try to convince me otherwise. But I already knew Yuusuke wouldn't come back again. I had already lost my second chance, used it up so frivolously, as though I thought I'd have forever with my son. No, I knew he wouldn't come back; it was that he was murdered that I didn't believe. I know Yuusuke killed himself and I know how he did it without leaving behind a gun. I was never as ignorant about Yuusuke's abilities as they seemed to believe. He was my son. How could I not have known? And he felt so bad at the end that he would turn his gift into his demise.

How could I have failed so horribly at being a mother? My poor boy, gone forever. I haven't touched my liquor since I found out. But it's too late now. Far too late to help him.