A/N: Hi guys, thanks for reading this:D

Disclaimer: I'm not JKR, my initials are TRS.

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Acting mean. It's a coping mechanism. Well, kind of. Shit. I always put myself in these sorts of situations.

And to make things worse, I'm always thinking about it. I live my life like a movie. A very long, boring movie I suppose but a movie nonetheless. I'm always thinking about different situations, and what I would say in each of them to make myself a more perfect person.

You know that saying, that everything looks perfect from far away? I prove it right. Well, I'm not the only one, but you get the picture.

I live my life like. … like a lie almost. Whenever something goes wrong, I just act like it didn't happen. I forget about it, because after all, it happened in the past. I don't like to dwell on what imperfect things have happened in the past. My past, not others' pasts, or the world's past. But in a perfect person's life, imperfection is not quite welcome.

I'm always reading. I love it. It's an escape, and an individual activity. I love individual activity. I'm not antisocial by any means, but after living with the same people in the same rooms for quite a while, it gets to you. You need alone time to have a nervous breakdown or a good cry or hearty laugh – the kind that give you a belly-ache. And when you read you can learn about other people's live. Some people are so amazing; it's astounding what some people can do. That's what McGonagall always says. "It's astounding what people can do when they put their mind to it."

It truly is astounding, but unfortunately not all of these things are good. If everyone did put their minds to keeping the world a just, ethical, moral place – well then we would lose a lot. We would lose jobs – there would be no aurors or policemen, in the muggle world. Policemen are the funniest creatures in the muggle world, the non-magic world. They ride around on bicycles or in cars trying to catch people doing things against the law. But the funniest thing is that they dress in bright blue uniforms and separate themselves in a way from the rest of society. They scream, "Be careful now! However, once I leave the vicinity, you may continue you mischief or bad-doing." Aurors keep secret; it makes more sense.

Muggles don't always make sense. I'm so very glad, so grateful that I was introduced to the wizarding world. There are some truly astounding people in this world, and yes, it is a totally and completely different world.

I respect some people so much. But like the typical, trite fear of rejection you read about so much in those classic novels, people do not always reciprocate the emotion. Or even try to. Or go out of their way to reciprocate the opposite emotion, which makes me angry and thus causes me to act mean. I can't help it. I'm not one to hide my emotions easily. I can't act normal when trying not to act happy; I have to go to the extreme, the opposite end of the spectrum. I have to be mean.

To me, respect is more important than like or dislike, love or hate, whatever trivial opinion someone can have about another person. It's earned so you cannot demand it from someone, and I have no plan to.

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Acting stupid, it's a coping mechanism. Well kind of. Shit. Why do I always get into these sorts of situations?

It's like one of those things, those sappy things that you read about in storybooks. A lot of girls I know read those peculiar, silly story books. I tried reading one once to understand why they are "so interesting" to some people. No depth. No rhythm. No voice. Pointless, pointless wasted time on such things.

Reading is a gift. It can teach you a lot. Serious things, fun things. For me, knowledge gained from books about equals knowledge gained from real experiences. Knowledge that is, but not emotion.

Emotion, what do I have to say about that. Sometimes they take control of you, that is certain. It's such a peculiar thing to have. You have, it seems, negligible control over it. More specifically control over showing it, versus having it. Emotions are odd because they have a mind of their own. And for me it takes all of my mind to act like they don't exist.

A lot of my life consists of acting. I'm quite good at it now, actually. It's just hard to show how you really feel, to convey what you really think. Every one wants that respect. I'm afraid, terribly afraid, that if I discontinue acting, people will begin to see me in such a different light.

That's why I don't show my true colors. Because I don't want to lose … I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose that respect. What little respect I have I suppose. It's the one and only thing I'm paranoid about.

We're like a fucking painting. People, I mean. We have true colors, and the lighting is important, and we show off emotion and people look you up and down and judge you on your exterior and then, only then, do they learn about you and some judge you on your interior. But only some. Why only some? I ask myself every day.

I respect those people who do, who judge you on your interior or at least try. But it scares me. It's like a paradox. I'm always acting, it's a barrier. People can't respect me because they don't know me and thus are forced to judge me on my exterior.

I've always hated art.

A/N: Thank youuu I would love advice/help to better the story.