a/n: well... four days confined in one's house creates boredom. and in boredom, you finish whatever it is you were suppossed to do. and so i finished this chapter. my finger is almost healed (gasp!) and the finger cast is off. im going to miss that finger cast. hahahaha...
i've decided to finally give in to a longer tonks and remus confrontation. so here it is, my longest chapter yet. hope you like it.
review, if you please. 8-)
Tis the season to be jolly. Or so goes the saying.
Everthing's gone by pretty fast. Even if it did seem to take forever for each day to pass, I still can't believe it's just a week to Christmas.
Christmas. The season to be jolly. The season of family, friends, gatherings, and every other piece of happy out there.
Christmas is too overrated.
So apparantly, Leda has changed her thoughts on the wonderful 'Remus is thirty-six years old' situation. Like I predicted, she had gone ahead to question her mother about him. In fact, she even met him in person. Of course, I wasn't there. I wanted to... save myself from embarassment. She met him. A couple of weeks ago, when he came back for his monthly report. I, on the otherhand, was positioned at Hogsmeaded.
Prior to those couple of weeks, I had finally met up again with Eric Morse. We went out for a cup of coffee. We talked. About this and that. You know... the regular stuff. The exchanging of the 'how are you?' 'Fine thank you' 'Hows the work?' 'Family doing okay?' bullshit.
He had told me a few reasons why. Why he left me.
And I must say, I did not agree with the majority of them.
He told me I was too bossy. As if I'm bossy. If I do recall, it was him who was the bossy one. Me - bossy! Impossible. I didn't go around telling him what and what not to wear. I didn't tell him what job to choose. I didn't tell him to stay here instead of going to Scotland. Seriously, I didn't. I mean, it's his choice where he wants to work, isn't it? Even if I did inwardly disagree with him moving to Scotland,I couldn't control the guy.
He had said I was immature. Okay, FINE. I know I may be a bit foolish - I inherited that from my mother. And a bit from Sirius. Besides, we all need a few laughs in our lives. I do remember him being a bit dull sometimes. But nevermind that. I am not immature. I am a fully grown adult. I am cool calm, and occasionally collected. Immature my ass.
And he said we were too young. Boulderdash. No one is ever too young for love. I don't get it! I mean, he's what - three quarters muggle. Hasn't he ever seen those stupid black and white candid shots of those six year old kids, kissing each other? You know, the ones where the boy is always handing the girl a lower while the girl pecks him on the cheek? It still confuses me as to why muggles make their kids do that, but whatever. Those kids - they're literally babies! And look at them posing as lovers. No, there is no such thing as 'too young for love'. But for him, there is. He said his heart wasn't truly in it.
I remember his parting words to me; it was the night before he left. He had come over to my house to break it off. He knocked on my door and invited himself in, plopping harshly down on the couch. It was actually around Christmas time.
'Hey Eric,' I had greeted, trying to put on a cheery face. It was Christmas afterall. I had to look happy. Even if we were on the rocks for a while.
'Tonks, we need to talk.' That was all he had said for a period of time. I just sat there at my new flat I had purchased since selling my parent's house.
The word 'talk' can give off many impressions. It can make you feel sad, happy, excited, curious, contemplative, or dreading. In this case, I wasn't sure of how to feel. In a way, I felt sad, knowing what he was going to talk about. Relief, knowing that I didn't have to be the one to bring it up. Anger in why he had to do it now, of all times. It was a jumble of thoughts.
'You're like my best friend,' he said suddenly, looking up, as his face had been burried in his hands.
I took a seat beside him, but not too near. I was already feeling dtistant towards him. He continued.
'I don't want to lose you.'
I never fully understood the meaning of the line 'I don't want to lose you'. People always say that. And eventually, it is usually the person who says it who does the whole cutting off of the person the line had been said too. Besides, why would he lose me? He too, was like my best friend.
'I know what you're going to say,' I told him, before he could actually say those words. I didn't want to hear them. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to be numb.
'Tonks, I - '
'Why?'
The word 'why' sounds so simple. But can it ever be that simple? No on usually knows how to answer the questtion of 'why' when it is asked in the form I had done so. Instead of explaining why, they'll say rubbish. Like this:
'Because, we're just not there yet.'
Not there yet. You hear that? Not there yet. What the fuck did that even mean? How the heck should I know? Afterall,I'm not there yet.
'Is that all?' I asked him, a bit stung by his words. He nodded. So that was all.
The reason why he broke it was because we hadn't been there yet. And I still don't know what it means.
But we've talked since then. We've sorted everything out. He finally explained his reasons. He even laughed a bit when I told him he had said 'we weren't there yet'. And when I asked him what he meant by that, even he didn't know what it meant.
I missed Eric. Just thinking about those seven years we had together during Hogwarts is enough to make me want to go back to him. He always understood me. He always helped me. He never refused to see anything. He never pushed me away. Unlike a certain somebody, he was honest about his feelings. Honest about himself.
But like I stated before; Remus is a done deal. He doesn't want anything to do with me. And I don't know why. I never did anything to him... or so I don't think I did.
"Hey Tonks! Kingsley's back!"
Great. Kingsley's back. Just what I need - more disgusting smirks and unwanted hints about certain subjects.
"Yes, that's great."
I don't know why Leda gets so excited when Kingsley's back. Oh wait, that's right. With Kingsley here, she doesn't have to do as much. And with Kingsley here, she isn't in charge anymore. It's weird - I always thought people liked being in charge. I mean, I'd love to be in charge. But seeing as half the staff thinks I'm a clumsy dork, I don't get the satisfaction of ordering people around.
"Did you know that he and Remus are friends?" she asked, sitting down in front of me. Ever since she met him, she's seen a whole new light in Remus.
"Yes, in fact, I did."
"Best mates, am I right?"
"Right you are."
She gives a sigh and looks into space. I don't want to know what she's thinkning. But I doknow what she's thinking. I know what she thinks about Remus. I know she thinks he's hot. I know how her mind works.
"I can't believe he looks so young! He's so handsome!"
Now that's an odd comment. Remus has grey in his hair. Remus has wrinkles. Remus always has bags under his eyes. To sum it all up, Remus does not look young. Handsome, yes, I agree, but not young.
"He's so nice too!"
Yes, he is nice. Sometimes, he's too nice. I still don't know why he's nice to Snape. All Snape ever does to him is sneer. Or make unfriendlycomments. But then again, that's all Snape ever seems to do. To everybody.
"I asked him to say something in Spanish, and he really did!"
"What did he say?"
"How should I know? I'm not Spanish. But it was so romantic!"
I don't know how she got to thinking it was romantic when she doesn't even know what he said. But whatever - knowing Remus, it was probably a compliment anyway.
"You are so lucky you found him first, Tonks," she said, leaning over my table and giving me a serious face. "If you hadn't, I'd probably be there in his house right now!"
"Yeah, well, I did find him first, so too bad," I replied, feeling a bit possessive. "But weren't you the one who said I should be giving Eric another go?"
"Eric! Who's - oh yeahhh..."
I shake my head incredilously at her. I don't know how she can forget about Eric.
"Well, since you're going off with Eric, can I have - "
"I thought you didn't like older men."
"He's not that much older. It's just ten years..."
"Says the one who kept going on about how thirty-six is a big age difference."
"That's before I met him! He's such a wonderful man."
"That he is."
"So can I have - "
"No, Remus is off limits, thank you very much."
She looks at me with this hurt face. Well, I'm not letting her have him, no matter how good of a friend she is to me. I'll just... have him there, single and whatnot. Just incase.
"You're no fun, Tonks! Why not?"
"Because he's mine."
Well, he is. He just doesn't know it yet.
"You're not together though! I asked him."
I always did hate the way she snooped into other peoples' business. Namely mine.
"We will be."
"You're suppossed to be with Eric!"
"I don't know!"
"Oh fine... I know he likes you anyway."
"Excuse me - "
"... so we followed him into Sniteskeet Lane..."
That was odd. That voice sounds very familiar... no. It can't be. It's not the end of the month yet. Besides, the full moon was just four days ago. I feel Leda's hands grab mine as we both are suddenly silent, listening - or eavesdropping - in on the conversation.
"... disappeared and we lost track..."
This is weird. Really weird. What is he doing here? I thought he had another week to go!
"Then what?"
Oh, there's a new voice. That one is suppossed to be here. Not exactly HERE on this floor though.
"I dunno... just came here to report to you."
"Does Kingsley know?"
"He will, once I tell him."
Why am I ducking behind my cubicle? No one can see my head anyway. And why is Leda ducking with me?
"He's here!" Leda whispered, looking excited and nervous at the same time.
"Why are we whispering?" I hissed back, confused.
She ignores my comment, standing up. Straightening her clothes, she gives herself a once-over and smiles, waving at me.
She steps out of my cubicle bravely. "Hello, Remus! What a suprise to see you!"
"Oh - my - god..." I muttered, groaning as I did so. I can't believe she just did that. She is such a booger.
"Oh, uh... hello, Leda, is it?" he asked, a bit nervous and taken aback.
"Yes, it is!"
"Well, then, it's a pleasure to see you again, Leda."
Maybe I should get out there too, and say hello. I mean, a hello can't hurt or anything.
"Leda, shouldn't you be working?" said a deep, slow voice. Oh great. Kingsley's there. Maybe a hello can hurt.
"Contant vigilance, lass! And you're here, hiding around!" came a gruff voice. Okay, so now Moody's joined the queue. Wait a tick - how did he know she was hiding? It's his stupid eye. Damn that eye! Wait! He can't know I'm here.Unless he can see me right now...
Might as well show myself before he makes me look like an ass.
I walk out of my cubicle stiffly, to find a small crowd of people consisting of Kingsley, Moody, Arthur, Remus and Leda. And now, myself.
"Tonks," Kingsley acknowledged, giving me a nod.
"Kingsley," I greet back, inclining my head. Since when was Kingsley so... so...I don't know. His usual greeting is to sneak up behind me with a cheeky remarkalready planned out.
"Constant vigilance!" barked May-Eye, wagging his stupid finger at me. Dumb old nag.
"Oh, give it up, Mad-Eye! We're all alert," Arthur said, sounding a bit annoyed. He smile at me.
"Hello Nymphadora," Remus said quietly. I glance up at him to see a small smile on his face.
"How've you been?" I asked him, shuffling my feet on the floor.
"There have been... better days."
"Back this soon, huh."
"Well, I figured since it's near Christmas, why not take an early break on things?"
"Anyway," Moody said, breaking into the conversation. "We were just discussing about things, before you two decided to show up."
"Gosh, Mr. Moody," Leda scoffed, rolling her eyes at him. "No need to get all touchy."
"What's wrong?" I asked, looking at the four men infront of me. They seem uneasy. As if something bad's gone.
Kingsley shot a look at Leda. She wasn't part of the Order. Even if her mother is, for some reason, they don't trust her with their information.
Seeing Kingsley's glance, Leda rolls her eyes and scoffs,and starts to stalk off before Remus called her back.
"Come back, Leda. We're not telling you to go away or anything."
With this comment, her face lights up. Ah yes, of course. Anything Remus says will make her day. Mad-Eye still looked at her warily. He is so paranoid.
"What's wrong?" I asked again, bringing them back to situation.
"They're suspecting Dung."
... Now that's new.
No need to ask who 'they' are. The Ministry is really starting to piss me off to the moon. I mean, sure, I know Mundungus is a crook. But he's not THAT bad. Besides, he's good - he's on our side. He wont do anything too rational...
"We're trying to hide him," Arthur told me, but he seemed nervous. "We don't trust him fully."
"What do you mean you dont trust him fully?" I asked, my eyes narrowing at him.
"Well, you know Dung. When he's threatened, he'll do just about anything to get himself off the hook."
"What do you mean by 'anything'?"
"He might tell the Ministry about us. About our plans. Our inside information."
"No he won't - he's not that stupid - "
"I refuse to shield him." This comment came from Remus, who suddenly had a hard face on. His arms were crossed and he seemed to be chewing on his tongue.
"Why - " I questioned, but he cut me off.
"He's been stealing from Grimmauld place."
Dung has been stealing? From Grimmauld palce? From the Ancient House of Black! From SIRIUS! From Harry! I mean, even if I have no other connections with the Black family, I'm still part of it too! That means he's been stealing off me and my mother as well! That's why Remus is so hard on him. Because he's taking what's left from Sirius. I wonder if Dumbledore knows about this.
That little fucker...
"Exactly," Remus said, looking at me with satisfaction. "You know what I mean."
"Remus, he's still part of the Order,"Arthur told him, trying to sound as if it were just a small problem. Stealing is not a small problem. Especially when the stealing is done to a person who is no longer with us. A person who treated him like a friend.
"No, I won't have anything to do with him," Remus stated, looking away from us. "He stole from Harry! From SIRIUS!"
"Remus, we know - "
"Then why are you still hiding him!"
"Because we risk too much if we don't!" Kinglsey cried harshly, looking at Remus with an exasperated expression. "Can you get anyn louder!"
Knowing he was fighting a losing battle, Remus grunted. Well, I'm with him on this one. He's stealing from the Ancient House of Black! Does Harry know?
"The Ministry are on his tail," Arthur continued, as if nothing happened. "We predict he'll be caught very soon."
"Let him, he deserves it," I muttered, more to myself. But everyone heard.
"Thank you!" Remus exclaimed, gesturing at me. "See! She agrees with me!"
"Will you two just can it!" Moody cried, waving his cane everywhere. "We're not risking anything. If it means keeping Fletcher safe, then we'll do it - even if he did do a bad deed. We're not letting the Ministry know anything."
"Funny, since we work for the Ministry," Leda said dryly, twirling a strand of her hair with her finger. "So if you guys don't want the Ministry to know,if you're all for going against thethem,why are you still working here?"
"For pay, for more information, and for recruiting," Kingsley answered.
"Ahhh..."
"So we just came in here to inform you on it," Remus said, uncrossing his arms, his previous anger seeming to simmer.
"I should get going," Arthur said, checking his watch. "I'm due at Diagon Alley in ten minutes. I hate going out there and arresting people at this time. Not only is it Christmas, but it's freezing!"
He dashed off before any of us could bid him farewell. I'm so happy that he got a promotion. Not only is he the most deserving person, but he seems to enjoy telling people off. He doesn't get much opportunity to yell at someone, since Molly's the one doing all the yelling. I just wonder if he has any connections with that Percy son they have.
"Staying for the holidays, then, Lupin?" Mad-Eye asked, his magical eyes swivvelling towards Remus. Leda - as usual - makes a gagging sound. Moody looked around at her with the same eye, and she grins at him.
"Of course. I mean, it's Christmas," he shrugged, tucking hid wand inside his robes. "I don't exactly feel jolly down in the underground anyhow."
"Where are you going?" Kingsley asked, glancing at me. I roll my eyes.
Remus didn't catch the exchange. "Molly's invited me over. I don't want her thinking I'm being rude by not showing up, so I guess it'll be at the Burrow."
"What about you, Tonks?" Kingsley asked, smirking again. Luckily, he wasn't facing Remus while he did this. Moody too, adapteda small smirk.
"I don't know," I answered uncomfortably. "Probably go give my dad a visitat his grave. And then a trip to St. Mungo's for my mum..."
"Well, that's very sweet of you," Moody said gruffly, then turned his head towards Kinglsey. "Come on, Shacklebolt. Got somethin' to discuss with you. And you too, Miss Jones. You two have been quite careless this past month..."
Kingsley and Leda exchange bewildered looks. Kingsley even made a rude hand gesture at Mady-Eye, who, of course, saw it.
"Wanna keep that finger, Shacklebolt?"
Kingsley gives a sigh as he and Leda disappear into Kingsley's office with Mad-Eye, leaving behind myself and Remus.
"You've gotten thinner," I said, looking at him. He looks paler too.
He winces at my comment. "You've gotten... well, your hair's still... brown."
That's true. My hair, as dull as it had ever been, has not been changeable. I hate it.
"Suits you," he said, smiling at me.
"No it doesn't!" I exclaimed, hitting him softly on the arm.
"You could always result to using that stuff muggles use. Hair dye, they call it."
"Yeah, well, I'm not as pathetic as to use hair dye that probably will fade after a few washings."
"I've missed you, Nymphadora."
He missed me! I never knew that... Well, now I do. And it's a good feeling.
"Of course you missed me," I said, placing a hand on my chest. "I'm a very missable person."
"One of the most I've ever met."
"Well, I've missed you too, Remus."
"Really? I didn't know I was missable."
"Well, to me you are."
Oh wow. Can this conversation get any cheesier? Not that I'm not enjoying the cheesiness going on. I mean, I'm quite flustered about this.
"So, how's life at the Ministry? You always seem to have interesting stories," he said, looking at me expectedly.
At least it's starting to be like old times again. Easy conversations.
"It's been stupid," I told him, leading him back to my cubicle. He sits down on my guest chair. This is why people should have guest chairs.
"Stupid?"
"Oh, you know. Getting the wrong people, gossip on Stan Shunpike - oh wait - it's Florean now..."
"Can you believe they got Florean? Just when I thought you Ministry folk could get no thicker."
"Hey!" I cried, though smiling. "I'm not stupid! I just get them to pay me while I do nothing."
"Alright, fine. Just when I thought the Ministry - minus yourself - could get no thicker."
"That's better. Anyway, it's literally pointless being here. All I do is sit around, read, have nice littleconversations hereand there- such as this one - and I don't know... that's basically it."
"And you're getting paid?" He asked me, with a shocked face.
"Keep your panties on; we don't get paid that great any more. They're using up all the money to get useless things off Frend and George."
"Meaning... ?"
"Oh, thos stupid hats they have. The ones that block hexes and stuff."
"Wait a bit - buying off Fred and George! Rubbish."
"I know, what is the world coming too? I asked myself that just this morning."
There's a small comfortable silence as we both look at the other. I always liked talking to Remus. Well, I've always liked being around him. Even when there are silent moments, they're the comfortable kind.
"How have you been?" I asked him, nowhanding him a cup of tea I had summoned.
He paused for a bit. "It's been difficult."
"What does that mean?"
"The werevolves down under... they're still being manipulated."
"Manipulate them back!"
"I can't. They're terrified of - "
"Tonks! I was just looking for you!"
Both our heads whip up to see Eric standing there. He then looked at Remus, noticing him for the first time.
"Oh gosh, sorry, I didn't know - " Eric started to explain, but Remus had stood up.
"It's alright," he said quietly. "Really. I should be going anyway."
He made for the exit of my cubicle but I had called him back.
"Wait!"
"Yes?" he asked, turning around.
Okay, I don't know why I did that. I have nothing to say right now. Or, now that Eric's here. ButI just really,reallywant him to stay...
"Stay a while won't you?" I said, looking at him pleadingly.
"I need to go. I have to report back to Dumbledore."
"But - "
"It's been a pleasure talking to you, Nymphadora. How long it's been."
And with that he leaves without looking back. Without saying a goodbye. Without anything.
"Tonks?"
Eric sits down in the seat that had formerly been Remus'. I look up at him, a bit annoyed.
"What, Eric?"
He sensed the tone in my voice. "I'm sorry - is this a bad time?"
"Well, he's gone anyway. Did you want something?"
"I was just going to ask you; what are you doing for Christmas?"
"I don't know. Nothing."
"Going to anyone's palce or anything?"
"Nothing means nothing. So no."
"Oh... right..." he faltered, looking down.
I feel a pang of guilt for addressing him in such a cold manner. "What's up?" I asked, trying to sound more cheerful.
He took this as a good sign, which it was suppossed to be. "I was justing wondering... would you like to spend Christmas with me?"
Well, I can honstely say that this was surprising. I really had nothing planned for Christmas except to give my parents a visit.
"I dont know, Eric..."
"Please, Tonks? My family's off on vacation, and since we both have nothing to do, why not just do nothing together?"
He always said that. Every year during Christmas time back when we were in school, we'd always spend Christmas together. My father was already gone, my mother was always busy. His parents - rich as royalty - were always away on vacation. He never chose to go with them. He said it was pointless, seeing as they always went to places he wasn't interested in.
"I'll need to get back to you on that."
"Oh... right. Well, that's all I came here to say. I'm expected at a meeting in five minutes with the Minister. I'll get going..."
"Yeah... see you."
He's gone. Good. Now I can wallow in whatever emotion I'm feeling. I don't know if I should go spend Christmas with Eric. I don't know exactly what I want to happen with Eric. I want Remus back. I want him sitting here in that chair, talking like a few minutes ago. I want him back. I want things back to when they were good.
That conversation we just had together. Look how great the atmosphere between us was. Look at how easy it was to talk to him! Why is it that people just have to disturb things? Why is it that people have to 'accidentally bump in'? Why is it that it had to be Eric? If it were someone else, I doubt it that he'd leave. Not that I'm mad at Eric or anything... It's just that - I don't know! I want Remus back, and I want him back now.
"So what happened?"
Why is it that I always seem to be interrupted when I'm deep in thought! Merlin it's pissing me off!
"What?" I asked, looking up to see my inquirer. Of course - it's Leda. And behind her, that Epona Garland. As if this day couldn't get any worse.
"Whats happened?" she asked again, sitting down in the chair. That chair sure has been busy today.
"Nothing," I mumbled, darting furtive looks at Epona. I don't want that woman in here. She doesn't need to know nothing. She'll go and spread it every where. It's bad enough that Mad-Eye, Kingsley, Arthur and Leda know. I don't want anyone elseknowing.
"Go away, Epona," Leda demanded, pointing towards the exit. "You're not suppossed to be here anyhow."
Epona gives her cut-eye as she stalks away.
"And don' think about using hearing charms or those Extendable Ears, Epona!" Leda called out. "I know a good hex to start you off with if you do!"
"Thanks," I said, picking myself up from the table. I need some thinking time.
"Anyway, what's going on? I saw Remus walk out by himself," she said, resting her arms on the table. "He walked pretty slow. Like he was deep in thought."
"Eric came in."
"Oh..."
"And then Remus left."
"Ahhh."
"Eric wants me to spend Christmas with him."
"So you going to spend Christmas with him?"
"Who knows? Probably. I have nothing better to do..."
She gives me a hard stare. I don't like her stares. They're uncomfortable. As if she's reading your thoughts. She was always good at divination. So good it even creeped Trelawny out. And Trelawny scared the living daylights out of us.
"So you're going to Eric's?"
"I guess so."
"Can I have Remus?"
This girl is very... no comment.
"No," I told her flatly, rolling my eyes for what seems to be the hundredth time today.
"Why not?"
"Because he's not yours."
"Well, you're not making any claims to him either!"
"Fine! He's mine. And as I stated previously, he's off limits."
"You are such a party pooper, you know that?
"Aren't you engaged?"
She gives me a surprised look. "Oh yeah! I forgot..."
"Unbelieveable. You're unbelieveable, Leda Jones."
"Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt to have a small fling here or there."
"Fling away, for allI care. Just don't fling with Remus."
"Fine, fine. I'll stop bothering you about him. I promise to leave him alone."
She gets up to leave, looking not a bit wounded. I guess she was serious about the flinging. I don't blame her though, being engaged to a complete stragner and everything. It must be harsh. I wonder if he looks anything close to pretty.
"By the way," she added, sticking her head back to the entrance of my cubicle. "Kingsley asked me to give you this!"
She tosses me a piece of folded up parchment, and skips off to her own office. She has an office whislt I have a cubicle! But anyway, to the parchment...
I unfold the parchment to find a note. Yep, that's definitely Kingsley. His ugly loopy, all-too-proffessional handwriting, with is super-good-looking-proffessional signature.
DearNymphadora,
Missed me? I know you did. Tell me what you two talked about. And even if you don't, I'll find out anyhow. Remus is easily persuaded.
Merry Christmas, my little dwarf.
- Kingsley Shacklebolt
Little dwarf! I am NOT a dwarf! I'm not small or fat! Just because Kingsley happens to be a feaky six foot, five inched giant, doesn't make me small. Besides, five foot and six and a half inches isn't short. I'm taller than almost every female here in the entire building.
Anyway, it's time to think about Christmas plans. Like it or not, it's going to be one heck of a... different holiday this year around. I'll probably skip Eric's and just spend the time alone. I need time to think things through. I need to think about the future. I need to be contantly vigilant - even though I don't want to. For all I know, I could die tomorrow, what with Voldemort on the loose as it is. But hey - it's Christmas time. Christmas is about love. I'm sure even Voldemort can give us a break at this time of year.
What can I say? Tis the season to be jolly. Or so goes the saying.