DISCLAIMER: 'Naruto' is not mine - that happy honour belongs to Kishimoto Masashi!

Note from PrincessTsunade: (sigh) Hello all, Toothpaste's dog secretary here …

I hope – I think – you will really enjoy this chapter, this is a lot better than the last and yes, I have nitpicked through it – honestly some of the comedy scenes (err, which is about ALL of the chapter …) was so HILARIOUS!!

On my sister's behalf I'd like to say thank you to you all for your continued attention! I hope this has you ROFL!!

Chapter Five: Revenge

"Sasuke, I don't understand this. What are we doing anyway – ouch!"

I prodded Naruto in the ribs as we reached the house. I briefly scanned over it, checking each window to see if Itachi was pointing a gun at me from one of them. It didn't look like it.

Well, not yet anyway.

"Come on," I said quietly, dragging Naruto over to the side of the house. I stepped over two garden gnomes Itachi had brought with him – they had Akatsuki cloaks and were holding samehedas – and then wished I'd stepped on them instead of over. Resisting the urge, I walked stiffly past them towards the side wall. Naruto chuckled softly at the gnomes and followed, tripping over the hose.

I stopped at the side wall and was about to leap over, when I heard a scuffle on the other side, then silence.

I paused for a second, listening quietly. Beside me Naruto shuffled uncomfortably, looking embarrassed. I turned to hiss at him to shut up, then only I realised I was holding his hand.

I let go quickly, flushing bright red, and looked away, hastily. I stepped a little to the right hand side where the side gate was, heaved myself up and looked over.

There was no one there.

I raised my other leg onto the wall and held my hand palm up to Naruto, telling him to wait.

As I did so I lost balance, lost my footing and with a small wave and surprised look I toppled over the wall, right into the arms of Uchiha Itachi.

"YOOOW! LET GO OF ME JERK!!!!!!"

"YOOOW! YOU'RE BLOODY HEAVY!!!!!

Itachi lost balance and went crashing into the wall. My head banged against the wheelbarrow full of soil and it leaned over dangerously.

"NOOOO!"

Itachi grabbed for the handles. I grabbed for the handles. We both missed, yelled in shock and rolled over to either side just in time as…

Naruto's blonde hair rose on the other side of the wall. Two chubby hands, an expectant face. Before I could finish rolling over to one side he'd jumped down from the wall, landing crouched right under the wheelbarrow.

"Hi guys! Did I –?"

With a deafening crash the wheelbarrow cascaded forward like a lorry, sending a spray of soil over Naruto before flattening him. A cloud of dust so thick I couldn't see my own hands rose into the air as I lurched sideways, arms struggling and scratching at anything I could feel. I started coughing and sneezing and blowing my hardest. I accidentally mixed up my breathing pattern and got a mouthful of dust right up my nose.

Spluttering like a madman, I felt what seemed to be the upturned handle of the wheelbarrow. I shifted my leg under me, which was slowly falling asleep as it was pinned beneath my weight, so quickly that I scraped my knee, but I didn't care.

I knelt on my other knee and with all my might lifted the wheelbarrow off Naruto's head. At first I thought he'd disappeared. Where was that irritating bright blonde hair?!

Then only I realised the idiot had been camouflaged; layers and layers of dust had covered his usually bright orange shirt, and his hair was no longer visible.

He scrambled up to a crawling position and gave an unexpected, almighty shake, sending a cloud of dust into my eyes and mouth. I raised my arm quickly to defend myself, succeeding only in catapaulting backwards – I felt my head connect with someone's jaw, heard an accompany crack and groan of pain.

Sitting up again blindly, feeling my head spin, I flailed my arms, trying to get my eyes into focus …

After a few minutes, I had regained the use of my sight, and everyone could breathe again. Itachi looked pitifully at Naruto, and I immediately realised that his makeup was washed off and everything was back to normal–except for the little pot plant in place of his ponytail. I sniggered helplessly at the sight of the little bouncy shrub on his big head. Naruto stared in absolute disbelief at him, his jaw almost hitting the ground.

"Awww," Itachi said politely, eyeing Naruto. "You poor thing. Why don't you take a bath, eh?"

My eyes popped. Itachi being nice? Itachi being nice?!

Oh crap. If Naruto takes a bath, that means he'll go …

If he goes, I'm alone with Itachi …

If I'm alone with Itachi …

Say no, say no, I urged silently. Don't leave me with him.

But did Naruto say no?

Did he think of me getting killed?

Oh, no. Of course not. That would require too much effort …

As I watched, he grinned–a big, cheesy grin.

"Yes purr- lease," he answered.

Itachi leapt up lightly and nimbly for someone who just got squashed twice – with a wheelbarrow then his little brother. He motioned to Naruto – who resembled nothing short of a walking mound of dirt and would ordinarily have scared the living crap out of any passers-by – to follow him took him inside the house, to show him the bathroom. Itachi didn't look at me once, as Naruto padded after him.

I stood up gingerly, my stupid foot still feeling the effects of the numbing, and staggered after them as quietly as I could, and headed towards the kitchen. I was standing there undecided like a moron, when I decided, what the heck. I need all the strength I can get …

I opened the fridge, dragged out the bottle of soymilk, and poured it into a glass. I was just raising it to my lips when there was suddenly a hand gripping the back of my neck.

I choked.

"What. Were. You. Thinking?"

The voice was practically a low growl.

It was Itachi.

"I was giving you a haircut," I spluttered.

Oops.

The grip on my neck tightened.

"Yeah right, Sasuke. Now I'm going to–"

I don't know why I did it. Maybe I watch too many of those old black-and-white comedies … come on, you have to admit, they have some pretty good ideas …

All I know is, my arm flung upwards like a sideways pendulum., And naturally with my arm went the bottle of milk …

Well, I didn't really see what happened, but I can imagine that Itachi just got a Cleopatra-style milk bath. And ice–cold milk bath.

There was a spluttering, gagging and coughing, and some weird sounds as if he'd got it the wrong way up his nose. Then his grip loosened dramatically … Naturally that was all I needed.

Once I was free I didn't waste a second. I bolted out of that kitchen so fast I almost could have left my eyeballs behind.

Well, it would have been fast except that I didn't take into account that the kitchen floor had been turned into an ice-rink.

I was about to make for the hall, slipping on the icy milk and landing straight on my arse with a yell. I scrambled to my feet and then really bolted, stumbling around bends and doors.

I bolted through the hall and was just about to exit through the other door when Itachi flew in through the bead curtain, banging into me and knocking the breath out of me. I fell back on the giant vase, knocking it against the patterned carpet. Flowers, silken flowers of all shapes, colours and types cascaded onto the carpet behind me, making me stumble.

"GAH!" I yelled, surprised.

"CRIKEYS!" Itachi yelled, surprised.

We just stood there, staring at each other and suffering from mental shock.

But I was the one who recovered first.

And then I suspect that being in Naruto's apartment, and in the dobe's company must have given me a severe attack of … Naruto-itis …

I picked up the vase beside me and donged him over the head with it.

Fragments of china fell on either side of him like a curtain, dropping to the floor. The remains of the vase, which was the size of a seashell – better yet Itachi's brain – was still clutched in my hand. The Naruto-it is got worse, because suddenly I found that I had walked up casually, dropped the pieces on his head and stood there, watching. He just stared blankly black at me, arms loosely by his side.

I guess it was about then that it sunk in what I had just done …

I ran.

Through the corridor, past the stairs and indoor glasshouse, and was just turning into the laundry when the study phone rang.

Swearing, I turned back to answer it. I had to. It was probably mum ringing to check up on me, and I DID NOT want her coming all the way from Paris to find Itachi and I having a catfight.

I snatched up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi Sasuke! How are ya?"

It was Tsunade-sama. My eyes almost popped.

"Tsunade-sama-"

"Well, I kind of need help here, and I've decided that you, Sakura and the brat can-"

"Tsunade-sama, I-"

"Yeah, for pay, of course, but besides that, I can barely-"

"Yeah, just Tsunade-sama, I really-"

"And that brat Kakashi won't even look, he's too busy reading that Come Come Paradise thing he stole off Jiraiya-"

"TSUNADE-SAMA!" I YELLED.

"And I-oh, yes Sasuke?"

"I need help here," I said quickly. "It's Itachi. He's trying to kill me – again. I mean, literally, kill me."

"Awww, isn't that so sweet of him?"

"I-WHAT?"

"I said, 'Isn't that sweet of him?'"

I glared at the phone.

"Um, hello Tsunade-sama? Is that you? Or is it Shizune? Even better, is it Ton-Ton?"

There was a weird silence on the other end.

"It's me," Tsunade said huffily.

"I just said Itachi's trying to kill me."

"I know."

"What – I mean, what is so sweet about blue murder?"

"I never said it was sweet!"

"You so did!"

"Did not! I never said those words!"

It just occurred that Tsunade must have been drinking Sake. I shook my head and continued.

"Anyway, please come."

"Why?"

"Look, just please?"

Tsunade sighed on the other end.

"Oh I don't see why not. I guess it's better at your place than in this stuffy little office with Jiraiya planted at the window checking out every bimbo in the street and Orochimaru writing a poem about the prevention of shark-killing and the Do's and Don'ts about having a pet shark."

I stared blankly at the phone again.

"Have they had too much Sake?"

Tsunade laughed.

"No, I have," she confessed.

"I can tell." Before she could screech at me I spoke again.

"Anyway, please hurry. He's still suffering from mental shock but he's willing to kill."

"Ooh, I haven't seen Itachi in a while. Well then, I'll just prise Jiraiya off the window so he doesn't scare off all our female customers and bribe Orochimaru with heaps of paper to finish his poem so he can lay off my computer. Well then, see ya, Coming round soon."

And she hung up.

I stared at the phone desperately. It seemed like Tsunade was my only link to civilisation. Here, Itachi was trying to kill me for

cutting his specially shampooed hair off and giving him a makeover, squashing him under a wheelbarrow, breaking our mother's expensive vase over his head … and meanwhile, in Tsunade's office, Jiraiya was apparently perving again and Orochimaru was…he was what?

Just then I heard a scuffle at the door of the study. I immediately threw myself behind the artist's chair and looked frantically around. I picked up the only thing I could find for self defence – a large, white, slim, stiff paintbrush, which I held in front of me like a sword.

Some sword, especially when Itachi entered with a hunting knife.

"Oh Sasuke!" He called in a singsong voice. " I've got something to show you!"

Yeah, like hell you have …

I barely breathed, and he didn't seem to be moving either. I remembered eared how easily he had detected me when I'd tried to creep up on him … holy crap … now I'm in for it …

I don't often pray for miracles. But right then, I could have done with one …

Hurry up Tsunade, I thought hard. Hurry up and come.

Gosh, where was she when you needed her?

Where was anyone when you needed them?

And it hit me.

NARUTO!