Summary: A sleek Scandinavian, detention romance, a summer fling, the one girl he never expected, and more. Read all about Sirius Black's twisted love-life and the girls who made it click.

Rated: M of course!

Disclaimer: See Chapter One.

A/N: Look, I updated and it hasn't even been a year! Hoorah!

This is almost the last chapter. The next one will have one last scene and then a lot of stuff about the future – reactions to Sirius's imprisonment, etc. It's partially written already so I'll update it in the relative future, I swear!

If you're still reading after all this time, I sincerely thank you for putting up with my terrible updating habits :)

Enjoy!

Chapter Fifteen

Confession and the Expansion of the World

"How's work coming?" Sirius asked Remus, leaning over the table to peer at Remus's essay.

Remus looked up. "Decent. What brings you here, anyway? I thought you and Prongs were going to spend the evening moping…"

Sirius shook his head. "Nah, Lily showed up and practically leaped into his arms; I couldn't just stay there…"

Remus raised his eyebrows. "For serious?"

Sirius nodded. "For serious."

Peter came back from amongst the stacks, holding a book. "Wait, what happened?" he demanded.

"Lily showed up and pretty much grabbed James by the cock," Sirius explained. "I decided to give them some privacy, but things are definitely looking good on the passing-first-base front…"

Peter grinned broadly. "That's awesome!"

Sirius turned to Remus. "How about you, mate? Passed that threshold with Evetta yet?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "For your information, we aren't even together."

"…Officially," Peter put in.

Remus smiled despite himself. "I'm just not sure if I'm ready to make it official. And I mean… it seems insincere to do much if I'm not fully committed, you know?"

Sirius scoffed. "Oh please! It's not like your lack of commitment is due to… I don't know… a desperate need to add more notches to your bedpost…"

Remus frowned. "Look, the… furry little problem thing is a fucking big deal to the rest of the world, even if you three have gotten over it!"

Sirius brushed that aside with a wave of his hand. "Yeah, yeah, you don't have to get all defensive… But frankly, society should not prevent you from seeking happiness."

"I'm not afraid of happiness, Sirius, I'm just being pragmatic," Remus said tiredly (he was used to this conversation). "Besides, you're one to talk!"

Sirius frowned. "What do you mean?"

Remus looked at him incredulously. "If you're so set on happiness, why are you holding back on Audrey Granada? Don't the ends justify the means?"

Sirius continued to frown. "I can't help it; she makes me feel insecure! I'm not used to that! I refuse to exchange my perpetual self-assuredness for a real relationship!"

Peter laughed. "Well isn't that just saying it has no value to you, if you aren't willing to risk anything for it?"

Sirius stared at him. "Since when did you get all deep?"

Peter shrugged.

Sirius glanced back at Remus. "And is that what you think, too?" he demanded. "Should I be going for this or not?"

Now, Remus shrugged. "I mean… well honestly, Sirius, I don't think I've ever seen you this distraught over a girl. And it's up to you to decide if you'd be happier in the long run getting over it or pursuing it."

Sirius frowned. "And I figured I'd be happier getting over it, since it wouldn't work anyway."

Remus nodded. "So you told us. And if you're sure it wouldn't work, that's your prerogative."

Sirius continued to frown. What he really wanted, he realized, was someone with experience to tell him exactly what to do. He wanted to know if it was worth taking a chance at love that could so drastically backfire. He needed someone who could understand what he was going through.

He wished he could ask Audrey; too bad the situation concerned her.

And then the answer came, so obvious he was surprised he hadn't thought of it before: Claire.

He grinned a bit despite himself. "I have to go…" he said, and then hurried away.

-

Sirius spent the next hour sitting in a deserted guest office, constructing a letter that would do the issue justice. He let his thoughts run wild, writing largely stream-of-consciousness. When he had filled nearly four scrolls of parchment with the epic tale of his current conundrum, he concluded,

So, as you have no doubt intuited, I desperately need your help! Kindly write back and tell me exactly what to do. Okay? Great!

Yours in utmost respect and adoration,

Sirius

He then made his way to the Owlrey and sent the letter off at once.

On the walk back to the Gryffindor common room, Sirius found the corridors to be surprisingly devoid of people, but then again, it was now almost ten. The common room itself was beginning to empty out as students returned to their dormitories. Sirius caught sight of Remus and Peter sitting in one corner.

"Why on earth aren't you two in bed?" he asked with feigned confusion, striding over to their corner and completely ignoring the glances granted him by the few stragglers.

Remus smiled and Peter smirked.

"I reckon they'll fall asleep soon and then we can make our entrance," Remus ventured.

Sirius barked out a laugh. "I sure hope this time is different… I mean, it seemed pretty genuine when Lily pounced on him the way she did, but then again, one never knows with girls…"

Peter chuckled. "I've decided that my only hope in life is for at least one of us to be maintaining a healthy relationship at any given time."

Sirius snorted. "Please; the last 'healthy' relationship I had was with Astrid Kierkegaard."

Remus grinned. "When was that, third year? Pity she moved away…"

Sirius smiled. "So true."

Remus suddenly looked thoughtful. "Where did you go just now, mate? We waited in the library for a bit but then figured we might as well head back here…"

Sirius smiled more broadly. "Just spilling my soul to Claire… on parchment, I mean. I figure she can offer an insightful opinion on my current… er… situation."

Remus and Peter both smiled. "That's the best idea you've had in days," Remus stated.

-

Halloween arrived three days later, and Sirius had still not heard back from Claire. However, he was no longer as perturbed as he had been over the weekend; every time anxious thoughts began to swell in the back of his mind, he simply repressed them by reassuring himself that Claire would know exactly what to do.

He had Arithmancy on Halloween morning. He hadn't seen Audrey at all over the past two days, except from far away in the Great Hall; he was too busy acting blissfully ignorant of people's frustrations with him to find time to fuel the flames of their discontent.

In the meantime, new gossip was swirling through the student body: for one thing, James and Lily had been inseparable ever since that fateful night.

When Sirius had awoken the next morning, after sneaking into the room around midnight with Remus and Peter, he had felt lighter than he had felt in days as he gazed at his best friend: James and Lily were both asleep, practically wrapped around one another. Lily lay on his chest, her head snug in the crook of his neck, and James' arms were around her. They both looked utterly content.

By the time Sirius had showered, James and Lily had half awoken but were busy cuddling with each other: they had switched to a spooning position and he kept nuzzling her hair and kissing her neck. Every time he did this, Lily smiled, her eyes still closed.

Sirius grinned then. "Good morning, you two," he stated pleasantly.

James and Lily both opened their eyes and looked up. Sirius was almost surprised to see that Lily was looking at him without a trace of rancor.

"Good morning," she murmured with a smile.

Sirius grinned still more broadly. "You don't hate me anymore, then?"

Lily tried to stop smiling, but failed. "I reckon it's just who you are, Black. And I've decided I'll get you a lot farther along through positive reinforcement than through negative."

Sirius raised one eyebrow. "No, really," he demanded. "What happened?"

Lily laughed, and James grinned sheepishly and said, "We had a very very very long talk about it, actually. And she's decided to forgive you forever on the condition that…" he glanced at Lily.

"On the condition that you grow up!" Lily supplemented. She blushed slightly then, clearly unsure of how he would take this somewhat patronizing statement.

Sirius, however, chose not to be insulted. "I'm working on it," he admitted. Glancing at James, he said, "I sent Claire a letter last night, mate… asking her for a few words of wisdom, you know. With any luck I'll have sorted myself out within another week or two."

Lily frowned. "Claire who?"

Sirius felt himself smiling. "Delacour."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "What's she got to do with anything? I thought she graduated."

Sirius laughed then, and after a moment James joined in. "What has Claire Delacour got to do with my quest to find love? What's she got to do with the fact that I'm never satisfied with anything anymore? What's she got to do with my tried and failed attempts to, as you put it, 'grow up'?" He paused for emphasis, and then stated, "Everything."

Lily raised her eyebrow again. "I never pegged you as such a hopeless romantic, Sirius."

Sirius smiled; she had called him by his first name. It was to be one of many times.

"At heart, Lily," he told her, "I've always been a hopeless romantic."

It struck him later that, on the first day they ever talked, Audrey had told him the same thing.

On Halloween, then, Sirius sat in Arithmancy, facing Audrey for the first time. Was it his imagination, or did she look a bit paler than usual, a bit more withdrawn? He felt his heart flutter as she gave him a familiar smile.

"How's it going, pal?" she asked casually.

Sirius grinned. "I've been better."

Audrey raised an eyebrow and tucked her hair behind her ears. "I'd ask if you wanted to talk about it, but I reckon you wouldn't want to with me…"

Sirius nodded. "Correct. In fact, I think I've been trying to avoid you."

Audrey quirked one corner of her mouth down. "It's not for appearances, is it?" she asked slowly.

Sirius barked out a laugh. "For appearances? No, it's not." Of course it wasn't; Sirius couldn't have cared less by this point what people thought of seeing the two of them together.

Audrey surveyed him thoughtfully. "Why, then?"

He gave her a sad smile. "I expect you already know."

She paused for a moment, then smiled sadly back. "That I do."

The trouble, of course, was that spending time with Audrey Granada made it impossible for Sirius to think of anything except how much he wanted to be with her. The only solution, he had decided, was to avoid her until Claire gave him instructions.

In the meantime, he was avoiding girls in general – except Lily, who was, of course, now a constant fixture at James' side.

Arithmancy passed without further incident. Sirius did not speak to Audrey for the rest of the lesson, and pointedly ignored the occasional giggles or whispers he knew were directed at the two of them. Despite himself, he was immensely relieved that Savannah had chosen not to attend class that day; by the end of the period, it was all he could do to maintain his poise.

Afterward, he walked with James, Remus and Lily to the Great Hall, contributing little to the conversation. They sat down at the Gryffindor table and began to help themselves to lunch – today, squash pie, rolls, and roasted ham.

There was a fluttering overhead, and Sirius raised his eyebrows in surprise – he felt himself swell with delight and anticipation as the school owl he had sent out three days previously soared toward him (unusual, given it was lunch and owls usually arrived at breakfast). He grabbed the letter tied to the owl's leg and slit it open quickly with his thumb.

Dear Sirius,

That's all quite fascinating! I would love to offer you my wisdom, but I think I'll be able to do a much better job of it if I can speak to you face-to-face. I reckon most of the guest-offices at Hogwarts have access to the International Flu Network; I'll ask around at the ministry here and see if I can't get my flat hooked up as well, if only for a few hours. That will probably take a while to straighten out, so let's count on chatting in about two weeks, all right?

Talk to you soon, and try to keep your spirits up!

Yours,

Claire

-

In the following two weeks, Sirius had plenty of opportunities to feel depressed. On Wednesday night he strolled down to the kitchens after hours, looking to get some muffins. Much to his chagrin, Audrey was already there, dining on a turkey sandwich.

"Hello!" she said cheerfully, looking up when he came in.

He approached her hesitantly and surveyed her enormous sandwich. "Miss dinner?"

She nodded. "I was strategizing for Quidditch. One of those planning jags, you know? I couldn't just take a break; it would have ruined everything."

He grinned. "Like in sex?"

She laughed. "Exactly… pervert."

He winced slightly; not because she had just called him a pervert (she was obviously kidding), but because he rather desperately wanted to have sex with her.

"You'd think they could hurry up with those muffins," he remarked, looking away.

She smiled knowingly. "Trying to escape?"

He gave her a wry look. "I'm not in a witty enough mood to deal with you right now. I fear I'll disappoint."

She frowned. "Well…you don't always have to impress me…"

He stared at her, finding it hard not to; her dark eyes and hair were just so damn attractive to him. To think he had ever looked twice at any other girl!

She laughed. "At a loss for words already? Sheesh, you weren't kidding…"

A house elf had finally returned, carrying a basket of blueberry muffins for Sirius, as well as a strange-looking fruit.

"What's this?" he asked, taking it as well as the muffins.

Audrey smiled and reached out her hand. "That's for me," she said.

He looked up and handed it to her. "What is it?"

"Una granada," she said, splitting it open to reveal the inside, which was full of red seeds.

He realized what it was, and felt himself grinning despite himself. "A pomegranate?"

She smiled at him. "Claro que si. Quieres un pocito?"

He grinned more broadly. "I never took the nature of your heritage to the logical conclusion that you spoke Spanish," he remarked.

She laughed. "Nah, I'm terrible. Can't you tell from my accent?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "You've got the lisp down."

She laughed again. "All forced. I understand most everything but speaking is a world trickier."

He took a bite of his muffin and felt his heart fill with sorrow that he could not spend every waking moment of every day with this girl. Then he winced internally at how crippling lovesick he was; it was almost embarrassing.

"I never knew granada meant pomegranate," he said, trying not to let his voice catch in his throat.

She laughed. "What, you figured it must mean something dark and mysterious and vaguely unpalatable?"

He smiled sadly. "No, it's perfect."

She pressed a few pomegranate seeds into his hand, and he felt himself shiver at her touch. "It's delicious," she informed him.

He looked up and met her eyes. "I know."

She grinned broadly. "Flirting away, Sirius! We're just friends now, remember?"

He was about to cry and he didn't know why. He ate a pomegranate seed to distract himself. It was delicious, of course.

"I can't do this," he muttered.

Audrey raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"I just… I have to go." He gave her a forced smile and hurried out of the kitchen, leaving Audrey confused in his wake.

He couldn't spend time with her, he told himself as he walked slowly back to his dormitory. He couldn't talk to her. He couldn't look at her. Any time he did, he was reminded of how miserable he was.

He looked down at the pomegranate seeds in his hand. Granada. If only he had known. Not that it would have changed anything.

-

When he woke up the next morning, he realized he needed to apologize to Savannah.

He felt guilty, it was true: he wanted out of this miserable situation of paralysis. He would never get back together with Savannah, he knew already, not when he had tasted love in that single night with Audrey Granada. But Lily was forgiving him on the grounds that he "grew up," and he felt he owed it to her – not to mention to James, who was now anxious that the Quidditch team would start to suffer in the aftermath of all that drama.

Not to mention to Savannah.

He had understood the emotional damage he had caused countless girls, but he had always brushed it off as mere school trivialities: everyone had somebody cheat on him or her sooner or later, right? Everyone had a relationship end poorly. Better experience it sooner than later. He was really doing everyone a favor, wasn't he? The sooner they got over him and embraced the grim realities of life, the happier every ex would be.

But he still respected Savannah. He knew he hadn't acted it, but he had been deluded – tripped up by a burst of light that pierced the lethargy of his drab, picture-perfect "relationship" with her and caused him to momentarily forget that the present was relevant, too.

For, at the very least, he shouldn't have hooked up with Vanity Linus (but that was always true). And he should have officially ended things with Savannah ages ago, weeks and weeks before starting anything with Audrey.

How did mature adults manage these things, he wondered. Did they foresee the future? Did they know when to end a relationship and when to perpetuate one?

Or were most people equally daft? Did betrayal merely seem prevalent because it was more conversation-worthy than loyalty?

Sirius wasn't sure exactly how to go about apologizing at first, but then he figured he might as well just do what he always did: play it by ear.

He wasn't sure he expected her to forgive him, frankly. She hadn't so much as glanced his way in two weeks, and Quidditch practices were becoming increasingly awkward.

He was reminded of the start of the year, actually. But then it had all built up to them dating again, whereas this time it would hopefully end in a declaration of truce.

In the end, he sent her a letter, to be delivered by owl at breakfast.

Annie –

I owe you an enormous apology and I desperately want to talk to you. I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks and my only wish right now is for us to get onto a better footing. I've been absolutely atrocious to you, but I still respect you more than anything in the world and I really, really, really want you to forgive me.

Astronomy tower at 8:00 tonight? Ten minutes is all I ask.

Pitifully yours,

Sirius

He was almost surprised by how honest the note was. Granted, the phrase "only wish right now" was not entirely accurate – "one of my only wishes right now" would be more appropriate, as he also desperately wished that the Audrey situation would resolve itself.

All the same, he went to the Astronomy Tower at 7:50 that evening and sat down to wait.

When the bells tolled out eight o'clock, he started to wonder if she'd come. If he knew her at all, she would, though: what girl wouldn't want a heart-felt confession of guilt?

Perhaps someone with slightly more rancor in her heart would have refused, but Sirius felt that Savannah was by nature too optimistic a person to turn him down.

She arrived at 8:07.

"I wasn't sure you'd come," Sirius started, (even though he had been quite sure,) standing up from the bench on which he had been sitting and stepping forward.

Savannah merely surveyed him. She looked rather attractive – that was probably intentional. She wore jeans and a clingy wool sweater. Her hair was pulled back in a long, low ponytail. Her makeup was perfect.

"I wasn't sure I would at first," she noted quietly. "But Lily convinced me it was worth it."

Indeed: Sirius had asked Lily (through James) to do this.

"So… what do you have to say for yourself?" Savannah asked, folding her arms.

Sirius was about to grin, but restrained himself.

"Well… I know I've been an absolute git. And I'm sorry, I really am. I've just been getting pretty messed up lately with… well…"

He trailed off, not sure if it was worth continuing. What had truly been "messing him up" were all these discussions about his family, but he wasn't sure if Savannah would be able to appreciate this.

Then again, he probably owed her the truth, appreciable or otherwise.

"Messed up lately with what?" she asked sharply. "With talking to Audrey Granada after I specifically asked you not to?"

He smiled slightly, and she glared.

"No, no!" he said quickly. "Not that. Look, I… Annie… Savannah, there's an awful lot about me that you don't understand."

Her eyes were burning now. "Well I can't understand anything if you won't bloody tell me!"

He stared at her. Was this really worth it? He thought of James, so desperate for Lily to be happy and the team to be united again. He thought of Audrey, so disappointed in him for failing to change. He thought of himself, finally recognizing this persistent contradiction in himself and being ashamed of it.

Oh, to hell with it, he thought.

"Tell you?" he demanded. "Tell you? Well I'm terribly sorry if telling you is a bit harder than just murmuring sweet nothings and tricking myself into being in love!"

She opened her mouth angrily to say something, but he plowed ahead.

"Annie, you know nothing about the real me. You know the Gryffindor me, the Marauder me, the womanizer me, the one that plays Quidditch and loves my friends and school and parties and mayhem. But you know nothing."

He paused for a moment, reflecting on his pretension. She closed her mouth and waited, frowning.

"I'm not often this pretentious," Sirius admitted, looking away. "Or at least, not pretentious in the way I'm about to be. I'll come off as pretentious, sure, but it's never genuine. I never actually care. It's all an act."

She frowned again and seemed about to say something, but he again continued before she had the chance.

"Annie, when I was six years old I'd sit around the dining hall table with my cousins and listen to lectures from my father about how wizards deserved only the best lot in life, deserved to crush muggles and… and mudbloods and all who stood in our way, and how the Blacks were the best, the very best, toujours pur as we were. And we'd all repeat before eating, 'Je suis une Black, je suis toujours pur. Pur toujours.'

"And I bought it, Annie, I bought it! And when I was ten I was finally allowed to attend the Twelfth Promenade, which you wouldn't know anything about, but it's essentially a dark, cultish, dangerous, miserable ball where little kids play eerily symbolic games like 'Mud Hunt' while the adults bask in their glory as the best of the purebloods, the elite few, and brag about their success in being spectacular.

"And then I turned up here and got sorted into Gryffindor, can you believe it? And all of the sudden I realized that everything I had ever known was a lie, and that meant I had nobody: no parents, no cousins, no brother. I used to have a real brother, Annie, did you know that? You talk about your older sister and how happy the two of you are, and it makes me almost remember those days when Regulus and I would sit on the drawing room floor playing with wooden toys beneath the Black Family Tapestry, devoid of all the relatives who had betrayed our purity of blood, who had broken that dinnertime pledge. And we had ugly wooden toys that were muggles, and elegant ones that were wizards, and the muggles were killed and tortured and forced to serve the wizards, because we knew that was right.

"And I say it makes me almost remember because I never let myself get too far into the memories. I'm afraid of them.

"So picture me at Hogwarts, Annie, suddenly without family, without my cousins, without anybody. And my own mother blasted my name off the tapestry and kicked me out of the house, my father nearly died two years ago and I didn't find out until I read about it in the Prophet, my brother won't even look at me unless I hit him with a Bludger in Quidditch.

"And I refuse to care. Because everything they stand for is wrong, is evil, is not who I am or want to be.

"Then one day I meet Audrey Granada, and suddenly I'm able to talk about all of this and realize that ignoring it all these years had turned me into who I am today: I'm loyal, sure, and I'm talented and whatever the hell else everyone says about me, but I'm also apathetic as fuck when it comes to things that don't matter to me, and I've got a whole lot of sorting out to do, all told.

"So I can't help but get carried away with Audrey Granada, Annie. She brought out the best and the worst in me. I adore you and your sheltered childhood, I always have! But I'm dealing with an awful lot right now, trying to sort myself out, and I've made quite a few mistakes.

"So please, please, please," he looked her in the eyes, and saw that she was crying silently, "please forgive me."

Savannah merely stared at him, tears still running down her cheeks.

"I… I never knew," she murmured. "I wish you could have told me before… though, I mean, I suppose I see why you couldn't…" She frowned, and Sirius leaned forward and wiped her damp eyes with his sleeve.

"Thank you," she mumbled. She glanced down at her watch, then back up at him. "This took longer than ten minutes."

He smiled slightly.

"I forgive you."

He leaned forward, kissed her on the cheek, and whispered, "Thank you."

They walked back to the common room together, shook hands, and left for their respective dormitories.

-

He was finally able to talk to Claire toward the end of November. They had exchanged several letters back and forth, ultimately determining the exact time of their meeting.

The fateful evening arrived. Sirius's body was in a guest office, leaning on the ground toward the fireplace. His head was in Claire's flat in Paris.

"Hey there!" Claire said cheerfully, sitting down on the floor to talk to him.

"Why, hello…"

He gave her a once-over despite himself. She was wearing cute silk pajamas and had pulled her hair back in a messy bun. She looked hot, as usual.

"Where's your boy?" he asked.

She laughed. "Hector? Out at the office; he won't be back for another hour."

Sirius grinned. "Oh Claire… how I've missed you…"

She laughed. "Likewise! But from the sound of your letter, you've got bigger fish to fry now…"

Sirius barked out a laugh. "In a manner of speaking, yes."

Claire nodded. "And you want me to tell you what to do, is that it?"

He nodded, too. "Yes!"

Claire shrugged. "Well, do you love her? You letter went on and on about the specifics of the situation, but avoided those few simple words…"

Sirius realized this was true. He hesitated. "I mean… I could, you know?"

Claire shook her head. "No. Elaborate."

Sirius attempted to put his dilemma into words. "I mean… she's really incredible… she knows me so well, it's almost unbearable… I want to spend every day with her, but I'm afraid she'll grow bored of me… I'm driving myself out of my mind, basically…"

Claire chuckled. "That's wonderful, Sirius!"

He laughed, surprised. "It is?"

She nodded. "Yes! If that's how it truly is, I think you should go for it."

He raised his eyebrows. "You do?"

She nodded again.

He narrowed his eyes. "Elaborate!"

She laughed. "I mean… you're afraid she'll hold more sway? That's like me and Hector; you know I always technically held more sway, especially in the beginning, but I love him so much it doesn't matter! And if you love her, and she loves you, even if you let her win she'll always want everything to be in your best interest… you know?"

He tilted his head to one side, then the other. "Do you love him all that much, Claire?"

She laughed. "This isn't about me!" Then she thought for a moment, and said, "Here, think about it this way: if we had gotten together – you know, in that alternate universe – you technically would have held more sway than I did. And you know, that's why I was afraid of it at first! I was so used to being the one in control! But then…w ell, Hector aside… I realized that if you care enough about a person and have good intentions, the fact that in the beginning you hold more power grows irrelevant. Eventually the time will come for compromise, and if you get past the first few compromises with everyone's best interest at heart, you're fated to become equals."

He frowned. "Really, or are you making that up?"

She laughed. "Really! I promise."

He sighed, then. "I think I'm afraid of love, Claire. I fell in love with you but I could never actually have you, so it was a… a safe kind of love. But now I'm contemplating the real thing, and it terrifies me."

She shrugged. "You love your friends, don't you?"

He smiled complacently. "You know what I mean."

She smiled, too. "I mean… well, Sirius, l'amour est une chienne! But it's almost all you'll ever need, you know? Why not sacrifice everything for it?"

He smiled genuinely then. "Love is a bitch… that is so very, very true."

She laughed. "That's not even literal, you know. Chienne doesn't mean 'bitch' the same way it does in English; it's just a female dog."

He shrugged. "No worries." Then he grinned. "Anyway, this has been enlightening. Claire, je t'aime, but now I have to go find the other girl I love and confess everything to her."

Claire laughed happily. "Seriously?"

He smirked at her and tossed his hair out of his eyes. "Always."

-

She was in the library; he had brought the Marauder's Map with him for just this purpose. Sirius strolled casually through the stacks until he found her at a secluded table in a far corner – the same table, fittingly, that they had sat at that first time they had spoken.

"Good evening, Audrey," he said with a wry smile.

She stared at him. "I gather you've come to tell me something important?" she ventured. "Or is this just a casual encounter, despite the fact that you haven't looked twice at me since you abandoned me in the kitchens two weeks ago?"

He merely grinned and tossed his hair out of his eyes. "Audrey," he said slowly, "this may well be one of the most mature things I have ever done in my entire life."

Her dark eyes widened. "Are you over me, finally?" she asked. "Did you find another girl? Can we be friends again and forget anything ever happened?"

He frowned. "Now why would you want that?"

She bit her lip thoughtfully. "Well, I've quite missed you," she admitted.

.

He nodded. "I've quite missed you as well."

She looked up at him. "I haven't touched another boy in three weeks, though I'm not entirely sure why."

He shifted uncomfortably. "Well, apart from one slight mistake with Vanity Linus, I haven't either."

She wrinkled her nose. "Did you really have to do that?"

He nodded. "If you must know, I couldn't stop thinking about you."

She raised one eyebrow. "So you shagged someone else? Is that how it works?"

He nodded again. "For the less mature and more confused among us, yes."

She smiled imperceptibly. "Why are you here, Sirius?"

He grinned then. "You really want to know?"

She nodded.

"Guess."

She pursed her lips and twirled a strand of dark hair around one finger. "I have no idea. Just tell me."

He took a deep breath, and said, "Well, if you must know, I think I've fallen in love with you."

She blinked. Then she slowly began to grin. "In love, did you say? Because I've loved you for months now… but in love? Really?"

Sirius felt himself beginning to grin more broadly than he had ever grinned in his life – but then he faltered. "Er… is there a difference?"

Audrey nodded. "In love means that only that person, that singular person, can satisfy you. But you can love many people."

Sirius smiled then. "Yes, Audrey, I am in love with you. I see what you mean, though – I love my friends, certainly, but I'm not in love with them." He paused for a moment. "Except James, perhaps."

She was grinning at him by this point. "I can't say I'm stunned, but I am a bit surprised at you, Sirius! In love with me, truly?"

He nodded. "I can't help it," he said. "After James, you are the only person in the world who has truly made me look at myself and want to change."

She nodded thoughtfully as well. "You're the only person I ever felt was worth changing, and I still don't entirely understand why."

Sirius hesitated. "Er… sorry to beat around the bush, but can we be together? Please? I know I've been a bit of an arse and taken weeks to figure myself out, but now that I've admitted it to myself, I don't see how I can go through the next few months of my life happily unless I've got you all to myself."

Audrey smiled at him. "Do you really think it will work?"

He nodded. "Well, I had a long chat with Claire, and she convinced me it's quite possible."

Audrey burst out laughing, then. "Claire? Claire Delacour convinced you, the second love of her life, that you should allow yourself to fall for me, her least favorite person in Great Britain?"

Sirius nodded. "Indeed she did."

Audrey looked at him with utter sincerity, then. Her dark eyes were wide and shining. "In that case, Sirius, I suppose we have no choice."

And she stood, climbed across the table, and kissed him fully on the lips.

-

When Sirius awoke the next morning, he lay in bed with his eyes closed, drowsy and content. And then he remembered, and his heart started pounding, and he opened his eyes, not remotely interested in dozing, wanting only to get up and greet the new day.

Audrey lay beside him, still asleep, curled away from him under the blankets. He wrapped one arm around her and pulled her close, and he felt her half awaken and squeeze his arm sleepily.

He wouldn't let her sleep. He kissed the back of her head until she had no choice but to roll over to face him, and then he started kissing her face and didn't stop until she started laughing and sat up to look down at him.

"Good morning," she observed.

He grinned. "Good morning."

She ran a hand through her hair and pulled back the drapes. Sunlight pierced through the dusky confines of the canopy bed. Audrey squinted at the ornate clock on the wall. It was nearly noon; the room was deserted. Good thing it was Saturday.

She turned back to him. "Looks like your roommates up and left. What are we supposed to do all alone in an empty room?"

He continued to grin. His felt such euphoria he was at a loss for words. "I love you," he remarked casually.

She nodded. "So I've heard. And you know, I reckon I love you back."

He smiled happily and brushed his hair aside with one hand. "Funny old world, isn't it?"

She nodded again, and grinned. "Such a funny old world."

Eventually they dressed and walked downstairs for lunch. The school noticed; they received more than a few glances and ostentatious whispers. But Sirius's caring had officially decreased to zero. So what if everybody knew he was happy? So what if people questioned his ethics? Now it wasn't simply a matter of envying his notoriety: it was a matter of envying his unadulterated joy.

-

And so the days passed pleasantly as Christmas vacation grew ever closer. Things were overwhelming idyllic. Sex was wonderful. The occasional argument or dispute was ultimately resolved.

Lily didn't like Audrey on principle, but the two were civil to one another. James and Remus and Peter treated her with a requisite level of respect. Sirius supposed that the situation could have been smoother, but given the circumstances, he figured everything was as amicable as he could hope for.

"Besides," he told Audrey one night as they lay in bed, "by the time we get married or whatever, they'll have completely gotten over the whole Slytherin Skank thing and we'll all be the best of friends!"

Audrey laughed. Her friends didn't like Sirius, either, but they were more afraid of offending Audrey than of their own prejudices. Sirius personally found all Audrey's friends to be utterly hilarious, as their attempts to be civil to him were wincingly awkward.

And then reality struck.

"Voldemort's really gaining power, mate," James told him one evening as they sat on their beds. "My dad told me it's getting really bad, more and more muggles are disappearing and they reckon he's using the Imperius Curse on a fair number of Ministry blokes…"

Sirius nodded. "So I've read. And I reckon my family's right in the thick of it, you know? Or even if they aren't they'll want to be… Did you know my cousin Cissa's marrying Lucius Malfoy?"

James raised one eyebrow. "That's rough, mate. I hope they don't make you attend the wedding…"

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "I should hope not. But I reckon they wouldn't want me there, anyway…"

James nodded thoughtfully. "Anyway, mate, I reckon we should join whatever Dumbledore's working on once we get out of school."

Sirius nodded, too. "And stick together no matter what, right, Prongs?"

James smiled. "Always, Padfoot."

-

The word came one day before they were set to depart for the holidays.

Lily, who had just squeezed into the seat beside James, frowned at the letter in his hand. "Who's that from?" she wondered aloud. A moment later, another owl swooped down and dropped one on her plate, too.

Sirius slit open his own envelope and began to read.

Dear Mr. Black,

Please come to my office at 5:00 pm sharp tonight.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

Sirius glanced at Remus's letter next to him. "Do they all say the same thing?" he asked.

Remus glanced at Sirius's letter in turn. "Looks like it."

"I wonder what it's about?" said Lily thoughtfully.

James scoffed. "It's obvious, isn't it? He wants to get us involved in fighting Lord Voldemort. We're all of age now, aren't we?" He glanced over at Sirius.

"I wonder who else has got an invite?" he mused.

James frowned. "Peter, for sure. Probably a few more Gryffindors as well… Annie, I wonder?"

Sirius glanced toward the Slytherin table despite himself. He felt sure that fighting Lord Voldemort was not Audrey's cup of tea. In fact, he was quite certain that she would want to avoid involvement on either side of the war at all costs.

"I'll tell you one person who won't be getting a letter," he remarked. "Snivellus."

To he surprise, Lily took in her breath sharply.

Sirius glanced at her. "What?" he asked.

In the space of a second, Lily's face flickered through several emotions – Sirius had trouble discerning any particular one – and then she said, "Nothing."

He would only truly understand several years later, when Lily had fully forgiven him for all the emotional malfeasances he had committed at Hogwarts, that she, too, knew what it was like to be disappointed and disillusioned by someone you had once loved.

For he, of course, had undergone that same trauma – he, too, had family members who were disgusted with him and siblings with whom he secretly wished he could still get along. He, too, had childhood friends – in his case, cousins – who had taken a completely different path and failed to look back until it was far too late.

It would take years for Sirius to realize that this, perhaps, was what James – the child of privilege, the beloved only son – had grown to love in both of them (perhaps without even realizing it himself): that both Sirius and Lily could go through familial hell and emerge, clear-headed and optimistic, on the other side.

But in the meantime – at 17 – he had not yet realized any of this.

-

There turned out to be very few people meeting in Dumbledore's office that night. Savannah and Lily were both there, and the Marauders, and a small cluster of people from other houses. And Alice Robins, though she would not be of age until January.

Dumbledore explained to them all about the Order of the Phoenix. He made it very clear that participation was optional, but emphasized that he had called this select group here because he felt they would have the most interest in joining up once leaving school.

The meeting made them all feel strangely. When Dumbledore finished his speech, everyone in the room sat or stood in tense silence for a few moments until James asked cheerfully, "Can we make T-shirts, sir?"

The tension was broken; everyone laughed.

"That would be an excellent idea, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore replied, his blue eyes twinkling.

As Sirius and the other six Gryffindors made their way back toward their common room to freshen up before the end-of-term feast, Sirius found himself feeling immensely excited. Finally, finally, the opportunity to do exactly what he had always wanted: prove his family wrong. Take it to the next level. Rebel against everything that had ever corrupted him, and try to ensure that it never corrupted anybody else ever again.

"It's like we've suddenly entered the real world, isn't it?" he murmured to James.

Savannah shuddered. "I don't like it," she remarked. "Half of me doesn't want to get involved at all… I just want to be with my family and stay safe and out of everything."

Sirius glanced at her, pondering what an appropriate response to that would be. Lily, however, got there first.

"Well, I'm signing up as soon as I'm out of school," she stated simply.

"Me too," James added. "I mean, think about it! We'll get to fight on the side of the just, and wear cool T-shirts, to boot!"

Lily smiled at him and squeezed his hand.

"I can't wait til I'm 17…" Alice remarked.

Sirius smiled. "We'll get you a T-shirt for your birthday."

He couldn't help but feel tremendously rejuvenated by all this talk of counter-insurgency. Already he found himself longing to get out of Hogwarts and embrace this new world. Thoughts of danger never occurred to him – this was everything he had ever set out to do.

It was funny – the only girl he had had a relationship with thus far whom he could see being remotely interested in joining the Order of the Phoenix was Tara Nevan. Claire would not join; it was not her country's war, after all. Savannah was proving to have cold feet; she did not have enough invested in the wizarding world worth fighting for, and she had nothing to prove to herself or her family. And Audrey would not see the merit in fighting for a cause when neutrality served one's safety so much better.

Sirius found himself wishing Audrey were more passionate about the anti-Voldemort movement. He knew she looked down upon Voldemort's actions; she had told him herself that she "wasn't a big fan of subservience, and had seen what the toujours pur upbringing could do to a kid" – or something like that – but Sirius felt certain that she was too pragmatic to genuinely consider joining an organized cause.

He wasn't sure how he felt about this. He still loved Audrey like mad – but this, right here, was one crucial thing that needed to be addressed. Under normal circumstances, in a normal world, he knew that issues as enormous as deciding whether or not to risk one's life for the security of the entire society would never come up – in that normal world, he and Audrey could happily be together forever, never needing to reconcile their contrasting views on heroics. But in this colder, harsher world, they would inevitably have to go their separate ways.

This realization made him sad. Not regretful, not pessimistic – merely the deep-seated sorrow of innocence seeping hastily away.

That, and determined.

He realized that, at some point in the very near future, there would be no girl for him after all: there would be only James and Remus and Peter, and perhaps Lily, too, and Dumbledore and Alice Robins and others he had not yet met. And the Order of the Phoenix. Love was a bitch, and in this brave new world, it would only serve to complicate things. It would be a hindrance, a crippling weakness. Loving in wartime meant too much vulnerability, meant danger for those he loved and for those who loved him.

He hoped Audrey would get out – go to Cadiz, or perhaps Granada, her namesake, where she could eat pomegranates every day and speak with a lisp.

Then maybe someday, when this war ended and Voldemort had been vanquished, they could live together in a world where upbringing, lineage and political sympathies were mere talking points, and not matters of life and death.

---

Review and I'll love you forever,

Simone