Don't Fall
By Starrysapphire, Taito Empress

This is a YAOI fic and TAITO. Or to put it more plainly, it's a Tai/Matt fic with SLASH and it's my first Digimon fic (I know that Harry Potter and the Keeper of Friendship was posted first but this one was written first) so please be kind people. This fic also contains attempted suicide, self harm and other nasty things.

Disclaimer - Nothing in Digimon belongs to me, it belongs to some lucky Japanese person who have been kind enough to lend the characters to me for a little while.

NOTE; Some readers may notice the lack of any character from Season 2. Well there's a simple reason for that, when this fic was written, I had never seen any Season 2 (us English people always get everything last, grrrrr, moan, wail, gnash teeth etc, etc). Therefore, I don't really know anything about them and can't write about them (plus I'm very uncertain about their names and everything). So this is sort of an alternative universe fic where Season 2 hasn't actually happened. In case you haven't noticed, this is SLASH, YAOI, whatever you like to call it. It's TAITO or whatever. If that offends you, then don't read. If it offends you and you read anyway, PLEASE don't flame me. I've tried to make it very clear that this is slash, I've said it about three times and I don't want pointless flames.

I was woken up by Kari crying.
It wasn't the first time I'd been woken by her crying since it had happened. But there was something different this time. A different type of sob.
"Kari?" I whispered, rolling over and looking down at her "Kari?"
But she wasn't there. I noticed that the door was slightly open and there was a light on. Frowning, I climbed out of bed and walked out.
Mum and Dad were sitting on the sofa. Mum was hugging Kari who was crying. I felt a violent feeling of deja vu, like I'd been thrown back eleven months.
"Kari?" I said, trying to swallow my alarm "Dad? Mum?"
They all looked up.
"Oh Tai," Mum said "Oh Tai."
"What's happened?" I whispered.
They looked at each other. It was Kari who answered.
"It's Matt," she said, her voice choked with tears "He slashed his wrists. He's in a critical condition in hospital. They don't know..."
Her voice broke off and she began sobbing again. But I couldn't concentrate on that. Not now.
'This is all your fault....'
I ignored the voice in my head.
"Why?" I whispered "Why?"
But we all knew why. The events sparked off eleven months ago...
* * * *
I was woken by the telephone ringing. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock. 2:36AM.
"Kari?" I muttered.
"I'm awake," she replied "Why's the phone ringing so early?"
I shrugged. I heard Mum answer it, curled up and dozed off again.
A little while later, I was woken again, this time by Kari's hysterical sobs. Rolling out of bed, I hurried out. Kari was in Mum's arms, tears gushing down her cheeks. Mum was crying too and even Dad was looking tearful.
"What's happened?" I demanded "What's the matter?"
"Tai," Dad said, his voice quiet and gentle "It's your friend, Takeru Takaishi. I'm afraid he's....I'm afraid....."
"What?" I shouted.
Kari answered.
"He's dead!" she wailed "TK's dead!"
* * * *
I didn't believe it at first. I don't think anyone did. TK was only 13. How could he be dead?
I remember everyone's reactions so clearly. Sora's quiet tears, Izzy's shock, Mimi's hysterics, Joe trying to conceal tears and failing. Kari's bitter tears. My own confused feelings, misery one moment, anger the next, then despair.
But Matt....
When I saw him at the funeral, I was startled. He looked so strange. His face blank, like marble. His body completely stiff and unresponsive. His eyes cold and opaque. Everyone around him was crying or mourning visibly. But he was just standing there, strangely detached.
Afterwards, I walked up to him when he was standing alone by the grave.
"Matt?" I said.
He looked at me.
"Tai," he said.
His voice was completely lacking in any emotion.
"I've come to say I'm sorry," I said "I'll miss him. We all will."
"Yes," he said.
That was all. He turned back to the gravestone.
"Matt," I said slowly "If you want to talk....about anything..."
He shrugged.
"Yeah. Thanks," he said.
I wasn't sure what to do.
"I'll see you?" I said eventually.
He nodded.
I turned to go.
"Tai..." he blurted suddenly.
I turned. For a second, his marble mask had crumbled and I saw a frightened, pleading boy beneath the ice. Then it hardened again.
"Nothing," he said, turning away.
Shrugging, I turned and left him.
I wish I'd stayed now.
* * * *
After that, everything changed. Before TK's death, us once Digidestined used to often meet up, to talk about general life or just reminisce. Oh, we saw each other in school but that was practically it. We rarely even spoke to each other. It reminded us all too much of TK. Matt never spoke to any of us. I hardly ever saw him in school. I heard a group of the kids calling him Marble-Boy. Cruel but probably accurate.
One day, I ran into him at the library. He was sitting, staring down at a book.
"Matt?" I said, sitting down next to him.
He didn't even look up. I looked at him and nearly had a heart attack. His face was drawn and pinched and white as paper. His eyes were slightly glazed and looked huge in his face.
"Matt!" I said, barely keeping the shock out of my voice.
This time he looked up.
"Tai," he said. For a second, I thought I saw something in his eyes. But then they became closed again.
"What's happened to you?" I said, unable to stop myself "You look terrible!"
He didn't say anything, just stared at me. I could practically feel myself shrivel up underneath his cold glare.
"I'm sorry," I said awkwardly "I didn't mean that the way it came out. You know me. I never think."
"No," he said.
I stared at him. I desperately wanted to help but how could I?
"Matt..." I began.
He stood up.
"No wait!" I yelped "Don't go! I didn't mean to upset you!"
"Just leave me alone," he hissed. I trembled at the venom I could hear in his voice. He turned and stalked out of the library. For a second, I just sat there. Then I sprang up and rushed out.
"Have you seen Matt?" I asked the nearest kid. He stared at me blankly.
"Ishida Yamato?" I said desperately "Tall, blonde. Looks slightly femmine?"
"Him?" the kid said "He went into the bathroom down there."
I nodded my thanks and rushed into the bathroom.
It was empty except for Matt. He jerked round when I opened the door, his eyes looking wider than ever. He shoved something quickly behind his back.
"Matt," I said "Please. I'm really sorry I offended you. I want to..."
My voice trailed off. Matt was standing at the sink. The water was running. But not quickly enough. I could see the strange pink stains on the white enamel.
"Matt?" I whispered.
Then I walked quickly forwards. Before he could get away, I grabbed his arm and pulled it out from behind his back.
What I saw made me gasp.
Matt's sleeve was rolled up and it was a mass of scratches, recently healed cuts and scars. Blood was welling from a new wound. He was clutching the knife in his hand.
"Matt!" I gasped again. Removing the knife, I quickly ran the cut under the water and wrapped it up in paper towels. Matt just let me. He was shaking slightly.
"You should go to the nurse," I said "It needs proper attention..."
"No!" he snapped. Then quieter "No Tai. Please. It'll be all right, I swear. I'm good at it now. It's not too deep. It doesn't need stitches or anything. Just leave it."
"How can I leave it?" I asked "You're hurting yourself Matt. I can't just let you do that!"
"It's not your business Taichi," he said.
I looked at him. His mask was back in place but his eyes were full of desperation and fear.
"Please don't tell," he whispered "Please. I'll stop. I will. But you mustn't tell anyone. Please."
I dithered helplessly. What could I do? I wasn't sure what Matt might do to himself if I told anyone.
"All right," I said at last "But I want you to promise that if you feel like doing this again you'll talk to me. I'm always ready and available. Always. It doesn't matter what time or anything. I don't want you to hurt yourself."
He looked at me and nodded. I turned to go.
"Tai."
I turned. He was staring at me. His mouth was moving but he didn't seem to be able to say what he wanted to say.
"Yes?" I said gently.
"What if you were friends with someone," he said suddenly "Really close friends. And then you realised that your feelings went deeper than that only you didn't know how to tell them because you were afraid of what they'd say?"
I stared at him. He stared back.
"I don't know," I said eventually "I guess I'd tell her and hope that even if she didn't feel the same way, she'd be nice enough to still be friends with me."
Matt nodded. His eyes seemed to be closing up again. Once again I turned to walk out. I had my hand on the doorhandle when he whispered;
"But what if it's a guy?"
I stiffened all over. A guy? That was different. Was Matt saying....
"Are you saying....." I asked.
"No!" he said "I'm not saying anything. I'm just hypothesising. That's all."
I didn't know what to say. I just stared at him. As I did, his eyes closed up completely.
"Forget it," he said "It doesn't matter."
He pushed past me and walked out, leaving me trying to puzzle everything out.
* * * *
Present day.
He looked very small in the hospital bed. We weren't allowed to go in, had to look though an observation window. His parents were sitting in there, looking pale and drawn. 'We' was the Digidestined.
"Why would he do this?" Izzy asked for the umpteenth time "Why?"
"I don't know Izzy! Okay?" I yelled.
Sora put her hand on my arm.
"Calm down Tai," she said softly "I know you're upset and angry, but this is a hospital."
I sighed.
"You're right Sora. I'm sorry Izzy. I just can't take this."
Kari pressed her hands against the glass, staring in.
"Poor Matt," she said softly "He must have been so unhappy to do this."
"The doctors said that he'd been hurting himself for some time," Izzy said "There were wounds all over his arms."
"I should have been nicer to him," Joe said "I should have phoned or something."
"Will you all stop talking about him like he's dead!" I snarled "He's not! He'll be fine! You'll see!"
Everyone looked at me. I groaned and rested my head against the glass. Tears began pushing at my eyelids as I stared at Matt's prone body, small and white, like a marble statue. Kari put her arms round me.
"I'm sorry Tai," Sora said softly.
"Yeah," Mimi agreed "It must be really hard, especially with your relationship being how it is."
I looked at her.
"Huh?"
She blushed. The others all began to look sheepish too.
"Well, you know," she said awkwardly "What with Matt's feelings for you, I figure this is particularly nasty..."
I stared at her, my stomach turning to ice.
"You mean....Matt likes me?" I croaked eventually.
Mimi's face turned from red to white.
"You didn't know?" she whispered, sounding horrified.
I shook my head.
"Oh," Mimi said. She covered her mouth with her hand "Oh no. Tai, I'm sorry, I just figured you knew. I didn't mean to blurt out a secret."
"That's okay," I said, turning back to the window. So Matt had been talking about me in the bathroom that day. When I'd seen him....
I banged my head against the window, tears streaming down my face.
"Tai, don't!" Kari said, trying to hug me again. I pushed her away.
"This is all my fault!" I sobbed violently "All my fault!"
"Don't be silly Tai," Sora said "Of course it's not your fault."
"Sora's right Tai," Joe said "Just because you didn't realise that Matt liked you doesn't mean that this is all your fault."
"No!" I sobbed "It is my fault. It is. I knew he was hurting himself and I didn't say anything! I just let him carry on and didn't say anything! This is my fault!"
I slid to my knees, still crying.
"Tai, I think you should go home," Izzy said gently "You're over-tired and over wrought. You can't do anything here. Just go home, get some rest. We'll call if anything happens. I promise."
"No," I said "I can't leave. Not now. This is my fault. I have to stay, help Matt."
"We'll phone if he wakes up," Izzy said "You aren't doing any good here Tai."
I obeyed him. Kari took me home and even tucked me up on the couch like I was her little brother.
"Kari," I asked "Did you know?"
She paused.
"I suspected," she said at last "TK...." she broke off, swallowed and then continued "TK said that he thought that Matt liked you and Matt had sort of hinted but we weren't sure and as far as I knew, you didn't feel the same so we never discussed it with Matt."
I nodded and sank down into the pillows, closing my eyes. Kari paused. Then she whispered, loud enough to be heard, but quiet enough so I could pretend I hadn't heard if I wanted;
"Do you love Matt? Or even just like him in that way?"
I paused for a moment.
"I don't know," I whispered eventually "I just don't know Kari."
She nodded and left the room, leaving me sinking into a deep well of confusion and guilt and despair.
Did I love Matt? I didn't know. I had always been close to him, even if we had fought and argued in the Digiworld. I'd always relied on him, even if he hadn't know it. And as we'd got older, I had noticed how good-looking he was, in a vague way.
But love? That was something else. That was big and a major lifestyle choice to boot.
I'd been tired before but the confusing thoughts tipped me over the edge. Curling up, I fell into an uneasy sleep.
* * * *
I was dreaming. I knew I was dreaming but I couldn't wake up. In the dream, I was back in the Digital World with Argumon and all the others around me. We were fighting something, but I couldn't see it. Everything was shrouded in fog. Then TK began to walk into the fog.
"TK!" I shouted "Stop! It's not safe there!"
He turned and smiled at me.
"Don't worry Tai!" he called "I can take care of myself!"
"But TK!" I called "We need you here."
"Nah," he said "You'll do great. See ya!"
"WAIT!" I yelled.
But he was gone, swallowed up in the swirling fog.
"TK!" Matt shouted from beside me "Wait for me!"
I grabbed his arm.
"Matt!" I yelled "You can't go too! I need you here!"
"Sorry Tai," he said, pulling away "TK needs me more. You know that."
He began to walk into the fog. I dived after him.
"Wait!" I nearly screamed "Matt please! Don't leave me! I need to keep you here! You can't go, not yet!"
He looked at me.
"But TK..." he said, sounding uncertain.
"You know he can take care of himself!" I said "Please don't leave me."
For a second, I thought he'd stay. Then he shrugged.
"Sorry Tai," he said, sounding regretful "I didn't want it to be this way. But it's too late. See you soon."
"NO!" I screamed but it was too late. Matt was swallowed up in the fog.
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
"Tai! Tai wake up! Tai!"
My eyes snapped open. Mum was bending over me, her eyes wide.
"You were screaming," she said softly "Are you all right?"
I nodded, trembling. Then I looked at her.
"The hospital," I said "Is there any news?"
She shook her head.
"Nothing yet. Visiting hours are over and Kari's staying the night with Sora. She said something about you maybe wanting time on your own. Matt's parents promised that they'd phone immediately if there's anything."
She turned to go.
"Mum," I said "How did TK die?"
She stiffened.
"What?" she said.
"How did he die?" I repeated "I've never asked."
"Tai," Mum said softly "I really don't think...."
"I want to know," I said "Please. I want to know."
She sat down by me and stroked my hair.
"TK was over at Matt's house," she said quietly "You know. The new place that they moved into recently. Mr Ishida had gone out to work for a while. They were playing outside on the balcony."
She paused.
"We don't really know what happened," she said "We only know what Matt told us and he wasn't very forthcoming. He says that he went inside for a moment. He came out just in time to see TK fall off the balcony rail."
Tears began to push at my eyes again.
"Matt phoned the ambulance straight away but...." she stopped, seeing my face "Oh Tai, I'm sorry. We didn't like to tell you children, thought you'd act strange around Matt. All us adults knew but..."
"You should have told me!" I shouted, tears running down my face again "I could have helped him! Instead he's in hospital, dying, because no one tried to talk to him!"
I turned and stormed out of the house, leaving Mum calling my name behind me.
* * * *
I wandered around aimlessly before ending up at the hospital. I knew visiting hours were over but I sneaked in anyway. Matt's parents were sleeping on chairs outside. Creeping past and avoiding all doctors, I sneaked into Matt's room.
His curtains were slightly open and a shaft of moonlight had spilled onto his face. He looked so pale and small and thin. Not like the Matt I knew and....
And what? Liked? Loved?
"Matt?" I whispered "I don't know if you can hear me. Visiting hours are over and it's family only anyway so I have to whisper."
Matt didn't even flicker but I carried on.
"I want to say I'm sorry Matt. I want to say how sorry I am about everything. I'm sorry I wasn't more use. And I'm sorry about what happened to TK. Mum told me the truth. I know how it must feel, that you probably blame yourself for his death. But it wasn't your fault. Truly."
I wasn't sure how to carry on and stared at Matt's shadowy face. It was so still. So still...
"Tai..."
I nearly jumped out of my skin. Matt spoke! He'd woken up!
"Matt!" I whispered, inching closer so I could see him better "Matt, how do you feel?"
He ignored the question, just stared at me out of his shadowed eyes.
"You don't understand," he whispered, his voice bitter "You don't know."
"Don't know what?" I asked.
Nothing. He turned his head away.
"Matt," I said. Suddenly I reached over and gripped his hand. He tried to pull away but I hung on "Maybe I don't understand. So help me. Tell me."
"She didn't tell you the truth," he whispered.
"Who?"
"Your mother. She doesn't know...." he broke off with a violent shiver "...what happened to TK."
"Then you tell me the truth," I suggested gently, still holding his hand "Tell me what happened to TK."
So he did. He described it so well, it was like I was there, watching silently as it unfolded.
* * * *
"Wow Matt!" TK said "This place is the best!"
"Well, it's not bad," Matt said "I suppose it's better than the last apartment."
"Wow, you've got a balcony from your room!" TK yelled. Rushing over, he opened to door and ran out.
"Take care TK!" Matt called from his room where he was sitting on the bed "There's a broken tile near the door. You'll hit your head on the railings if you fall. Dad's going to fix it sometime but until then we have to remember that it's there."
"Sure!" TK said, carefully avoiding the tile. He peered over the edge.
"It needs a bigger rail," Matt mumbled to himself "It's only a small balcony anyway. Tiny."
Giggling, TK scrambled up onto it.
"TK!" Matt said "Get off that!"
"Look Matt!" TK called back "No hands!"
He waved his hands around, gripping on with only his knees.
"Stop it TK!" Matt yelled.
"Woah!" TK yelped as he slipped slightly. He squeezed the rail tighter with his knees but refused to grip with his hands, still showing off. Leaping up, Matt ran out to grab TK.
He'd forgotten about the loose tile.
As he tripped, he instinctively flung out his arms to catch himself. His hands shoved violently against TK's body. TK, already unbalanced, couldn't catch himself in time.
"TK!!!" Matt screamed helplessly as TK tumbled off the rail "NO!!! TK!!!!!!!!"
He watched as TK fell slowly though the air, hitting another balcony rail and bouncing off it before hitting the pavement, six stories below, his small body crumpled on the pavement. For a second Matt stood there frozen. Then he leapt up and ran to the phone, all ready knowing, deep down, that it was too late and TK was dead or dying. And it was all his fault.'
* * * *
I sat there, staring silently at Matt. He was beginning to shake violently.
"I killed him Tai!" he whimpered "I killed TK. I killed my own brother!"
"No Matt," I said, finding my voice "No, it was an accident. You couldn't help it."
"I knew about the broken tile! I knew about it!" Matt cried "And I fell! I should have been more careful! I should have..."
His voice broke off and he began to cry, violently sobbing. For a second, I hesitated. Then I pulled him upright and cradled him in my arms as he cried.
"I'm so sorry," I heard him say under his tears "I'm so, so sorry."
I didn't ask what he was apologising for. I just held him, pressing my face into his blonde hair, trying to soothe him. Eventually he relaxed slightly and his tears slowed slightly.
"I couldn't tell anyone Tai," he croaked "I couldn't. Mum and Dad would kill me. They would. They'd blame me. And I knew Kari would if she found out and so would the others. I couldn't talk to anyone! I had to sleep in the same room as the balcony death-trap, knowing what had happened and being unable to do anything! And everything was so horrible without TK. It was like standing beside a cliff and trying not to fall over the edge all the time! And it wasn't just that! Normal life things just seemed so hard! Friends, work, the remainder of my family......everyone thought I should be behaving in certain ways and I didn't know how to be! And then I knew you..." his voice broke off suddenly and I felt him twitch in my arms.
"You knew I what?" I asked softly.
He paused and I thought he wouldn't answer. Then eventually he whispered the answer so softly that I could barely hear it.
"I knew you didn't want me."
I stared down at the top of his head which was shuddering slightly. Before I could say anything, Matt continued, words spilling out of him. I got the impression that he'd wanted to say them for a long time.
"I always knew I was different Tai, even when I was eleven. I looked up to you and admired you more than anything. I thought you were beautiful. Only even then I knew there was something wrong with my feelings so I covered them by always arguing with you and fighting you. Then we left the Digital World and I had no real excuse to be near you. I missed you so much. And I got older and everything intensified and I knew what it meant. But I couldn't tell you! How could I ever tell you? And I knew that everyone thought that being like....like that....was wrong and how could I ever admit to it? So I hid it more and more and then TK died and then there was just...."
His voice broke off in more violent hysterical sobs. I rocked him tightly in my arms, waiting for him to continue which he did.
"There was no one I could talk to, no one! I accidentally let Mimi know once but she promised to keep it quiet..."
I couldn't help wondering if Mimi had broken her promise or if the others had just guessed but I didn't say anything, just let Matt continue.
"And I was in so much pain and I couldn't say anything! And then one day when I was cooking, I accidentally cut myself with the vegetable knife and it helped and I kept doing it to get rid of the pain."
"What made you..." I stopped, trying to think of a tactful word - possibly the first time I've ever bothered.
I didn't need to though. Matt knew what I meant.
"It was all just so hopeless!" he wailed and I had to shush him in case one of the hospital staff heard him and came to find out what the noise was about.
"There was no one Tai," he said, his voice quiet again "No one. In the Digiworld, I had Gabumon to talk to. He helped me before I was swallowed up by the darkness. This time, there was no one. Not even TK. I didn't know how to save myself, to pull myself back from the edge. Not this time."
I sat there, still staring down at his head. I realised how close Matt had come to the edge when he'd left us before in the Digiworld. Only this time, he'd dropped into it.
"Oh Matt," I whispered "You could tell me. You can tell me anything. You know that."
He looked up at me, his azure eyes still filled with unshed tears, trembling at the corners
Then he was tightly pressed against me, his mouth hard on mine.
I was so startled, I pulled away. He flushed.
"Sorry," he whispered "Sorry."
For a second, I just stared, my mind full of doubts.
Then I leaned forward and kissed him.
We just clung to each other, kissing passionately. I wasn't focusing on anything else, just Matt in my arms. Then he pulled back.
"I don't want you to do this because you're sorry for me," he said in a passionate whisper.
He looked so like the old Matt that I'd known, I couldn't help smiling.
"Matt," I said softly "You know me. You know I'd never ever betray you like that. I love you."
He stared at me. Then he smiled. The first smile I'd seen from him for eleven months. I grinned back.
This touching moment was ruined when I had to throw myself under the bed to avoid being caught by a nurse who had come in to check that everything was all right.
The End

Well, that's the end of this part. If you want me to continue please REVIEW. Oh and also, please don't flame me pointlessly. I did warn you.