Disclaimer: Pretty much anything you come across in this here fic, aside from those which I mention, belongs to Jo Rowling, and not myself. I, admittedly, got the idea for this fic from Limelight. Nabbed a little bit from Douglas Adams.
From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans
September 1st, 1976
3:45 PM
Finally September first! I swear, if I had to go through one more day of Petunia planning her bloody wedding to that git Dursley, I'd have decapitated myself with my wand. When I told this to Ambrosia, she asked me if I meant that I'd use a spell or if I'd merely use my wand as a blunt stick to do the deed. I suppose I'd have done whichever is least painful.
The man is just so extraordinarily average (and there would be the basis of his appeal to her, I assume.) Also, he looks as though he'll swell up any day now. If he isn't careful, he's going to pack on a bit (or a lot) of weight.
The image of my stick of a sister being wed to a man the size of a baby beluga is a very amusing one.
Emmeline Vance is our new Head Girl, and Barry Ryan made Head Boy. It's a wonder Barry's head hasn't exploded by now- being both prefect and Hufflepuff Quidditch Captain couldn't have been easy, and now he's got even more authority. I'm really glad that Dirk Cresswell made prefect this year- he's a great kid, Professor Slughorn introduced us last year.
The candy cart lady will be around before long (note to self: find out her name. I've been interacting with the woman for five bloody years, it's ridiculous!) and after which I'll probably let Ambrosia, Jane and Megan convince me to play Exploding Snap even though I think it's dreadfully idiotic. Of course, it may just be that I'm bitter because I singed my eyebrows that one time in fourth year.
The things I do for my friends.
A Notice From… The Headmaster's Office
Welcome, staff, to a new year! I'd just like to remind you all that you must be sitting at your place at the Head Table at 8:00 sharp, with of course the exception of Minerva, who must greet the first years.
While I'm at it, I'd also like to remind Professor Kettleburn to not have quite so much bubbly as he did at the Farewell Feast, as he got a nasty bite from a knarl after offering the creature some of the aforementioned bubbly. It's for your own good, Jacob.
Yours, Albus.
Things the Marauders have found in their room since returning to Hogwarts that they were unaware of leaving (as dictated to Remus J. Lupin, alternatively known as Mr. Moony)
-five unmatched socks
-Mr. Wormtail's Transfiguration homework from third year that he never handed in
-Approximately 150 candy wrappers (all empty)
-three broken quills
-Mr. Prongs' ABC gum that he insists he shared with Deborah Finch (Mr. Padfoot voices extreme disbelief to this pronouncement)
-A cracked Remembrall that we're fairly certain belongs to Mr. Wormtail
-The body of Patrick the Puffskein, may he rest in peace
Mr. Prongs would like to say that he finds it absurdly anti-climatic that the first class of sixth year is this boring.
Mr. Padfoot is in complete agreement with Mr. Prongs, and wonders what Mr. Dumbledore was thinking when he hired this idiot.
Mr. Moony is of the opinion that Mr. Dumbledore is getting a tad desperate, and would like to remind Mr. Prongs that he meant to say "anti-climactic," as anti-climatic means that one is against the weather.
Mr. Prongs wishes to point out to Mr. Moony that it is raining outside and perhaps he meant what he wrote.
Mr. Moony thinks that you should stop passing notes and start TAKING notes, as this stuff may be on a test someday.
Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that no one takes notes.Mr. Wormtail wishes it said that both Mr. Moony and Mr. Wormtail copy down what Professor Drednaught says.
No you don't, you're passing notes.Mr. Prongs feels the need to reprimand Mr. Padfoot for not beginning his sentence with his nominative, and regretfully informs him that he will have to suffer the consequences.
Mr. Padfoot laughs in the face of danger.
Mr. Moony wishes to point out that Mr. Padfoot has also scooted his desk a good foot or so away after writing that.
Mr. Wormtail thinks we should put this parchment away before we're seen.
A Notice From… The Desk of Professor G. E. Drednaught, Defense Against the Dark Arts
Cause for Notice: Disciplinary action.
Notes: Students Black, Sirius; Lupin, Remus; Pettigrew, Peter; and Potter, James were caught passing notes in class. Suitable punishment: separate detentions, helping Mr. Filch.
Hey, Lily.
Ambrosia, I'm trying to take notes!
Nonsense, you haven't taken notes in History of Magic since third year.
Is there a point to this?
Yes, of course!
Well?
Priya Joshi and Sanjiv Patil have finally started going out!When did that happen?
This summer, I only just found out!
Hey, if they get married, she'll be Priya Patil.
Hope she likes P's.
Mr. Prongs has just had an extremely brill idea.
Mr. Padfoot is of the opinion that if Mr. Prongs thinks his own idea is brill, then it probably isn't.
Bollocks.
Mr. Moony advises both you lads to tread carefully.
And?And that's all.
That's pretty crap advice, Moony. But since I'm such a kind, forgiving soul, I will advise you to stay out of the Common Room tonight.
Do we want to know why?Hmm… any chance we still have those balloons from Padfoot's birthday party?
No, Wormtail… I don't think we want to know.
A Notice From… The Student Authority Center
Prefect Issuing Notice: Evans, Lily
Student Receiving Notice: Potter, James
Cause for Notice: Disruption of student study in Gryffindor Common Room.
Suitable Punishment: Lines.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Potter-
It is my regret, as Head of Gryffindor House, to inform you that both James and Sirius (who, I have been told, is now in your care) have already had cause to receive disciplinary action in these few days since the start of term. James two, Sirius one.
I am hoping that you will be able to convince them to put an end to- for lack of a better word- marauding. They are smart boys- they simply lack restraint.
Best,
M. McGonagall.
I will not throw water balloons indoors.
I will not throw water balloons indoors.
I will not throw water balloons indoors.
I will not throw water balloons indoors.
I will not throw water balloons indoors.
I will not
Evans, can I do something else? This is boring.
Unfortunately, Potter, it is my job, and not yours, to decide what your punishment is. You have 95 more repetitions to go. I don't want to be here all night, so get to it.
Okay, A) Have you ever noticed you use a lot of commas when you write? And also, B) I only have 94, thank you.
"I will not" and then stopping isn't a full repetition. Now stop writing me notes and get to work.
Potter, when I tell you to stop writing me notes, it isn't an excuse to talk to me.
Maybe I just like the sound of my own voice.
That doesn't surprise me in the least. Get to work Potter, before I make you.
I will not throw water balloons indoors.
I will not throw water balloons indoors.
I will not throw water balloons indoors.
Moony!
Mr. Moony wishes that you would not pass notes to him, as he's trying to learn, and would also like to remind you that last time we passed notes in class we were given detention.
Mr. Padfoot is hurt that Mr. Moony believes Mr. Padfoot would only bother him with trivial things. This is important. Also, that was the time before last, not last time. Losing your memory, Moony?
Whatever. What is it?
Look at Prongs!
Why?
What's that he's doing?
Gawking at Lily. Good things she's taking notes (rather like I'D like to!)
Does Mr. Prongs always breathe like that when he looks at Miss Lily?
It doesn't appear that he's breathing.
That's what worries me.
Should we do something?
Of course not, Wormtail. If he passes out, she'll obviously run to his side and nurse him back to health.
Oh, is that what she'll do? Mr. Moony is rather under the impression that Miss Lily, compassionate as she is, will merely laugh at Mr. Prongs' unconscious form.
Of course you would think that, Moony. But I, unlike you, am a lurve genius. Mr. Padfoot does not expect others to share his deep understanding of the workings of the heart.
Deep understanding of the mickey, more like…
Hey, Evans.
Yes, I realize you're trying to study, which is why I thoughtfully wrote you this note instead of breaking your concentration by speaking to you.
No need to shout.
Potter, what do you want?
Fancy a snog in the Astronomy Tower?
A Notice From… the Deputy Headmaster's Office
It is now illegal to throw study materials of any kind. I would have thought this would be a given.
- M. McGonagall.
Hospital Wing: Patient Log
Name of Patient: Potter, James
Injuries: Broken jaw
Cause of Injuries: Hit with a copy of 'Numerology and Grammatica'
Name of Patient: Evans, Lily
Injuries: Strained bicep
Cause of Injuries: Throwing a heavy object (suspected to a be copy of 'Numerology and Grammatica')
Name of Patient: Black, Sirius
Injuries: None, complains of a busted gut
Cause of Injuries: Laughter
From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans
September 4th, 1976
10:34 PM
James Potter is the biggest prat I have ever met. I'm going to kill him. I am seriously considering homicide. It's his fault that I'm writing this entry with my left hand- I strained something when I threw my copy of Numerology and Grammatica at him. At least I broke his jaw…
Hmm. Thinking about causing him bodily harm makes me feel better. Does that made me a sadist? Ah well, I can't really care about it right now. I'd much rather consider some ways to get revenge on Potter.
I'll have him hung, drawn, and quartered. And whipped. And boiled... until... until... until he's had enough. And then… and then I'll do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will JUMP on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do...
Potter just asked me if I'm feeling alright, because I started laughing halfway through writing that. And as much as I hate to admit he could be right about anything, when one laughs while writing down ways to torture someone else (even if that someone else is James Potter) all signs point to sadism.
This cannot be the way to emotional satisfaction.
SUGGESTIONS WELCOME!