Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it doesn't belong to me.

Well lads, I've done the math.

What math?

Our math.

We have math?

Yes. Exactly every 17.4 times we break a school rule, we actually get punished.

Haha- the law cannot touch us!

Keep in mind, Padfoot, that despite this mathematical truth you still have a detention every night this week.

We're prodigies. And I'm astounded at you, Mr. Moony, for actually instigating a note-passing for once.

By george, Mr. Prongs, you're correct!

Indubitably.

What brings on this sudden penchant for mischief in our most responsible of friends? Is it getting to be that time of the month, Mr. Moony?

No. And that's not funny. To answer your question, I find Astronomy to be a rather trivial subject, and I don't know how you convinced me to take NEWT Astronomy. It's totally unnecessary.

Because Prongs decided we all have to take as many classes together as possible.

I agree with Mr. Moony. If we want to spend time together, why didn't we all drop this class? Astronomy is boring.

But this is what your whole family is named after. It isn't at least slightly amusing to constantly hear your name?

No, because I always think Professor Sinistra is talking to me and she isn't.

How terrible. And we're taking Astronomy because it gives us an excuse to come up to the Tower with the ladies.

What ladies, Prongs? The only lady you'd want to take up to the tower is Lily.

And if memory serves, she threw a BOOK at you last time you suggested it.

Which broke your jaw.

Don't cloud the issue with the facts. Lily loves me.

She just doesn't know it yet?

Exactly. I always knew you were smart, Mr. Moony.

From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans
November 24th, 1976
7:47 P.M.

An excerpt from a conversation just held between Potter and myself:

Him: "So, Evans."

Be still me heart. What a charmer. What scintillating wit.

Me: "What do you want Potter?"

… granted, not very witty either…

Him: "Only the pleasure of your company. I was thinking you might like to go out with me this Saturday."

Now, at this point I started laughing. I couldn't help it.

Me: "laughing No, you didn't."

And of course he's all confused.

Him: "Oh, but I'm pretty sure I did."

Me: "No, you didn't. Because you're not stupid."

Him: "Why thank you."

Me: "An insufferable git, yes, but stupid, no. And you'd have to be stupid to think that, given our history, I would ever, barring a piano or a safe falling on my head, want to go anywhere with you, ever."

And then he just smirked at me in that smug way and left. Ugh.

His failure to be discouraged in the face of constant rejection must surely be a sign of mental illness. I mean, only a bloke who is absolutely starkers (i.e. Potter) would continue to ask out a girl (i.e. me) who has never once said yes to him after two years' worth of attempts.

It would be almost endearing if he wasn't such a smarmy wanker.

Goals:

1. Avoid Potter
2. Look into the symptoms of mental retardation and/or dementia to see if Potter is actually suffering from some sort of illness, in which case I suppose he should be pitied, not scorned.

But I'm not going out with him, even if he is mad. Insanity does not balance the scales.

3. While I'm looking at psychiatry texts, take a look at self-actualization… continue on the path to emotional satisfaction, regardless of the advances of the Tactless Wonder.

Hey Moony, let's play word association. I'm bored.

…Fine. You'll start?

Sure. Ready?

Go.

Sauerkraut.

What?

Who?

No, "what" wasn't my word, it was an exclamation.

That violates the rules, Moony. You shall have to be punished

I'm more worried about your mental health than my punishment.

I'm sure I don't know who you're talking about.

What kind of a person starts on the word "sauerkraut?"

A dashing, handsome, and utterly brilliant type, I'm sure.

And how do you measure that, Mr. Padfoot?

Well, how do you follow up to a word like sauerkraut? You can't. And thus, I win.

You pick your words in advance to confuse your competitor?

Precisely.

That violates the very basis of word association. Thus, YOU must be punished. And far more severely than I.

…Curses. Foiled again.

A Notice From… The Deputy Headmistress

Cause of Notice: Investigative action

Notes: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were found hanging upside down outside the Great Hall. Mr. Black was sporting green skin, and an extra set of arms. When asked how it happened, they would say only that they were being "punished." While this is likely another one of their little in-jokes, measures should be taken to make sure there was no foul play from any student involved.

Mars looks bright tonight.

This is Astronomy, Wormtail, not Divination.

Obviously. I'm just saying. It's aligned with Alpha Centauri in an odd way, too. Look.

Huh. That is odd. You know, according to our old Divination text-

You REMEMBER something from the text?

I have an eidetic memory, Padfoot, it's not my fault. Anyway, according the text, the alignment will cause earthquakes, floods, and maybe even split our planet in two like a meat cleaver through a head of lettuce.

Is that a direct quote?

Not exactly.

Well, in all fairness, that does seem like the sort of event you'd want to mark on your calendar. Thanks for the warning about the coming apocalypse, Wormtail.

Any time, Padfoot.

Dear Diary,

I live in an insane asylum.

These people should all be heavily medicated, put in their own padded cells with straight jackets and only come out once a day for socialization in a rec room with hand puppets and Ping-Pong tables.

Hmm.

Query: how does one use a hand puppet, or play Ping-Pong for that matter, while in a straight jacket?

Lily's reading a few books on psychology now, I think I'll ask her.

…

Apparently, only the REAL crazies use the jackets, and they don't get to socialize.

Note to self: try not to go bonkers, because then you have to be both insane and lonely.

Though I suppose if you're truly insane the voices in your head can always keep you company.

Love, Ambrosia

So, what d'you lads think for Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff's match on Saturday?

I'd go with Hufflepuff. Barry Ryan's a great captain, and a damn good Chaser.

Bollocks.

Oh, be quiet Prongs. You just don't like Ryan because Lily likes him.

Lily does NOT fancy him!

I said likes, not fancies. And she certainly like him better than you.

You're delusional. Lily and I share a deep and profound bond that she has merely failed to notice.

Sure. And it's Padfoot who's delusional.

You shut up too, Wormtail. Moony, surely you're on my side?

I abstain from commenting.

So you don't think Lily and I share a deep and profound bond?

I'm sure Lily feels very deeply and profoundly for you, Prongs.

Ha!

I'm just not sure those feelings are ones of affection.

You wound me with your words, Moony. Anyway, I'm going with Ravenclaw.

Ha.

You're that confident?

Damn straight.

Fine. We'll make a bet of it.

Alright. I bet you a gazillion- nay, a FLOPPITY JILLION galleons that Hufflepuff will win on Saturday.

You are so on.

This cannot end well…

Gringotts Bank Transaction Sheet
27 November, 1976
7:02 PM

A request was received for the amount of a "floppity jillion" galleons to be transferred from vault 537 (Black, Sirius) to vault 713 (Potter, James). Research into the sum is being implemented.

From the Diary of Lily Catherine Evans
November 28th, 1976
10:14 PM

This sucks.

Hufflepuff lost their Quidditch game to Ravenclaw, which put Barry Ryan in a bad mood, and since he's Head Boy, he gets to take it out on us prefects.

Of course, the Ravenclaws got stuck with the worst load of work, but now Remus and I have to do two extra late-night patrols each month, and let me tell you, walking around at 3 in the morning in the FREEZING hallways, opening closet doors and breaking up snogging sessions is not my idea of a good time.

Aren't Hufflepuffs supposed to be FAIR?

And of course I just KNOW that I'll be the lucky one to come across, say, Sirius Black trying to get to second with Babs O'Toole in the third floor corridor room that has the funny trapdoor that goes nowhere.

Oh, wait, he and Babs broke up. So I suppose he'll be with some other bint when I come across him, then.

Not that Babs is a slag. She's actually quite nice. Atrocious taste in men, but… nice. She also thinks that James Potter has "pretty eyes."

Excuse me while I projectile vomit.

10:20 PM

You know, just to play Devil's Advocate… I suppose, from a purely objective standpoint, it could be argued that Potter does have pretty eyes. They're hazel, so they've got these flecks of green and tan, but there's this rim of blue around them that you can only see if you're standing really close that is interesting to look at.

…this changes nothing. Pretty eyes and mental illness do not a boyfriend make.

1. They Will Kill Each Other Within a Week: 16 bets
2. Snogging in the Closet In a Week: 30 bets
3. Kill Each Other Within a Day: 5 bets
4. Snogging in the Closet In a Day: 5 bets

Fascinating results… could it be that the tenacious Miss Evans is weakening?

Author's Notes: I know, I know, this chapter was far too short for such a long wait. School's been on me like a two-dollar whore. I promise that the next wait won't be so long. Pinky swear.