Dating for six months. Has it really been six months? Lee Dubenko was looking at his reflection in the mirror above the bathroom sink. He ran his hands through his damp curls and let out a long slow breath. Six months. Half a year. And you haven't frightened her off or screwed things up. She hasn't gotten frustrated with your stalling in the intimacy department, hasn't been fazed by the noticeable age difference or the gossipmongers at work. She's even dealt with the wrath of the Sophie Monster and is still talking to you. Admit it, Lee; she's just as crazy about you as you are about her.
"Crazy. I must be crazy. Allie's obviously insane." He muttered as he worked a glob of gel into his hair. "In love. That's what she said. She's in love with me. And what do I do? Stand there like an idiot and stare at her."
It wasn't that he didn't love her in return. He did. Very much so, he was just realizing. Regardless, he just could not bring himself to say the words. The phrase he never thought he'd utter to anyone after Marti died. For once there was a problem Lee Dubenko couldn't wrap his mind around and come up with an answer. He couldn't make his feelings for Marti go away; in fact he didn't want to. He'd always love her. But he loved Allison as well. Maybe not as deeply, maybe not in quite the same way but the redheaded woman had become very precious to him and he didn't want to lose her.
Disloyal to one and grossly unfair to the other. Or is it? There's a reason you never majored in philosophy, Lee. You suck at it. He wiped his hands on a towel and made a face at his reflection. "Now or never, Dubenko. Make up your mind." He turned off the light and walked out of the room.
He and Allison had decided to spend the evening in; she had teased that she didn't feel like being smacked in the face with an appetizer when he originally suggested going out to celebrate. Once again he was mortified at how their first date had started off and apologized. Allison just laughed and left him sitting in his office.
While Dubenko was waiting for her to arrive he busied himself in the kitchen. He opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe while he tried to remember where he had last seen the book of matches he kept around for lighting the fireplace. He was sorting through the catchall drawer and mumbling to himself when the doorbell rang.
"Buttons, a sock, a scalpel…and I don't even want to know how that got in there, batteries, tape, Sophie's charm bracelet and a legion of post-it notes. Where the hell are the matches?" He shoved the drawer closed again and went to open the front door. "Coming."
Allison was standing on the front porch, her arms full and smiling at him. "Told you I'd bring dinner. I hope Chinese is okay." She knew it was. They ate take out often enough.
Taking the paper bag from her, Dubenko let her into the house, kissing her forehead as she squeezed passed him. "Depends on whether or not you have Kung Pao chicken in here."
"Maybe," she remarked lightly as she took off her coat and draped it over a chair. She grinned and turned in a slow circle to show off her calf-length skirt and wraparound blouse when she noticed Dubenko staring at her. "You like?"
"Looks…good on you." He smiled. "What do you mean maybe, Chapman?" He was looking in the bag containing dinner and frowning.
"Oh, fine. I try to seduce you with a sexy new outfit and all you want is dinner. Men."
"Sustenance first, seduction later."
"They teach you that in medical school?"
"No, some wisdom just comes with age and experience."
"Mmm, and you are wise."
"Did you just insinuate that I'm old?"
"You walked right into that one, Lee."
They continued the lighthearted conversation through most of their meal. Dubenko's thoughts, however, were largely focused elsewhere. He had meant what he jokingly said about seduction. Lee wanted her to spend the night with him. He had never denied that there was a great deal of physical attraction where Allison was concerned. For the most part he just failed to act on it. Now he wanted to act and not make a fool of himself in the process.
As he sat there picking at his dinner with disposable chopsticks, Lee let his mind wander. As usual, his thoughts settled on his late wife. His wasn't listening to Allison as she chattered on about her day, he didn't even taste the food he put in his mouth.
Marti had come into the kitchen and dropped her keys on the countertop, the loud noise startling Lee, who had been lost in the stacks of research material that were scattered across the kitchen table. "Sophie's going to go home with the Jansens after the movie, so we have the house all to ourselves tonight." She winked at him.
Lee flipped his hair back out of his face and gave his wife a distracted nod. "Okay."
"Okay? Lee Pavlushshenka Dubenko, are you even listening to what I am saying?" Marti was leaning on the table, her hands planted firmly on the pages her husband was trying to read.
The use of his full name in addition to the fact that she was obscuring his view caught Dubenko's attention. "What, Marti? I heard you. Sophie's going to the Jansens' this evening. What am I supposed to do, applaud?" He gave her an impatient look and tugged the loose pages out from under her hands. "I'm trying to work here, Beautiful."
"For a brilliant man, you are entirely too dense sometimes, doctor." She emphasized his title and tugged on his hair for good measure. "We. You and I, have the whole, as in the entire, house to ourselves tonight. No interruptions. No Sophie. No reason to not make love right here on the table should we choose to do so. Now do you understand me?"
Dubenko tilted his head and gave his wife a lopsided grin. "The table? Really Marti, we eat off this table—"
She smacked his arm playfully. "Shut up and come upstairs with me. Unless you'd rather work on," she waved her hand over the table, "whatever the heck this is."
"Success rates and methodologies for reattaching severed limbs. It's really very interesting and the advances made it the last ten years alone have been…" he trailed off as he noticed the annoyed look on his wife's face. "And I see that you really don't care about that."
Marti simply turned on her heel and walked out of the room. He could hear her footfalls on the stairs and pushed himself away from the table to follow.
"Earth to Lee, come in Lee." Allison was giving him a concerned look. "Is something the matter? You seem so far away all of a sudden."
"Just thinking."
"About?"
"You. Me. Us." Those three little words managed to convey so much as he took her hand in his across the table. "Us."
If ever there was a time for subtlety and finesse, this is it. He searched her face for any signs of what she was thinking. Still holding her slender hand in his, Dubenko rose from his chair and came around to Allison's side of the table. "I just realized that I never properly said hello. Come here." He tugged her hand until she stood up.
He placed her hand on his chest before wrapping one arm around her waist. Pulling her close, Dubenko slid his fingers into her soft hair and cupped the back of her head. "Hi." His voice was soft as he lightly brushed his lips against hers. Slowly, tenderly he deepened the kiss, all the while never taking his eyes off of Allison. He liked to watch her expression change as he kissed her.
Her eyes fluttered open as he pulled back, breaking the kiss. "Hi, yourself."
They had retired to the living room, bringing with them their glasses and the half finished bottle of wine. Dubenko had located the matches, on the mantle of all places. The orange glow of the fire bathed the room in a warm light. They had moved the coffee table to one side and were sitting on the floor, backs against the sofa as they talked and watched the flames dancing in the fireplace.
Setting her nearly full glass on the table, Allison turned to look at the hazel-eyed man who was currently plucking at threads in the carpet and staring off into space. She placed her hand on top of his nervously active one. "Lee, now what are you thinking about?"
His mind had again wandered and he had been thinking about the last time he had really made love, not the last time he'd had sex. There had been a few casual dalliances in the past five years, even a one-night stand shortly before he had left Virginia, but none of that meant anything to him. No, the last time he had made love had been with his wife.
She was lying on her stomach, sprawled across their bed. Marti propped herself up on one elbow. She grinned at him as he stood in the doorway. "So good of you to join me, doctor."
"Marti—"
"That's Mrs. Dubenko to you." She interrupted with a wink and a sly smile.
"You've never been addressed as Mrs. Dubenko a day in your life." Dubenko leaned against the door as he studied her. She had undressed and was wearing only her tee shirt. It barely covered the top of her thighs.
"Would it kill you to work with me here, Lee?" She sighed in exasperation. "Will you come over here?" She patted the bed.
Biting his lower lip while trying not to laugh, Lee Dubenko did as he wife asked and sat next to her on the bed. "Happy now, Mrs. Dubenko?"
"No." She looked up at him, wide eyed and with a pout on her lips.
"And just what is it that I can do to make you happy, Beautiful?"
"I want you to touch me. Put those skilled surgeon's hands to good use."
He did as Marti asked, lying down next to her and running his hands along her body. He loved the feel of her, smooth skin and plump flesh. Pulling his wife into his arms, Dubenko kissed her and buried his face in her hair. He inhaled deeply, enjoying the way she smelled faintly of soap and talcum powder.
"I love you, Mrs. Dubenko." He murmured against her neck.
Laughing, Marti replied, "You ruined that fantasy already, Lee."
He snorted and nipped at her earlobe. "I must be such a disappointment to you. Whatever do you see in me, Martina?"
"The love of my life? A brilliant, kind and gentle man? A wonderful lover and companion? The fact that I have never once in the fifteen years we've been married regretted a single moment of my life with you?"
The playful light in his eyes turned serious. He hadn't expected her to respond that way. "Marti…"
"It's true, Lee, you know that. We've, I've, been so blessed. I have my health, my career, the best husband a woman could ever hope for, and our daughter…god, I can't believe she's in high school now. She's amazing. And here we are, ready to do this whole parenting thing all over again. Life couldn't be any better." She snuggled into his chest.
Rolling over so that he pinned Marti beneath him on the bed, Lee studied his wife's face intently. "You left out the part where we make love, Marti." At that, he kissed her and spent a considerable part of the afternoon lost in his wife's arms. He marveled at how lovely she was as he moved above her, within her. He never got tired of making love with her, feeling her closeness, hearing her soft cries of pleasure. I do that. I make her feel that way. He couldn't help thinking as she cried out one last time.
As they snuggled together in the middle of the rumpled bed, Dubenko ran his fingers through her hair, traced her facial features with his fingertips and trailed light kisses across her skin. "Marti, I've been thinking." He spoke softly, his lips to her ear.
"Oh no, stop the presses. Alert the media. Dr. Lee Dubenko had a thought!" She laughed softly and took his hand in hers.
"I'm serious, Martina."
"You always are. What's on your mind, honey?" Marti looked at him curiously.
He placed a hand on her belly, caressing it as he spoke, "I've been thinking about switching career tracks, spending more time at home. When Sophie was little, I missed so much. I was never here and if I was, I was sound asleep. I don't want to make that mistake again—"
"Lee, don't be so hard on yourself. You were in your second year of a grueling surgical residency. Of course you were busy. You worked a hundred and twenty some odd hours a week, not including call time? Do you think I didn't understand?" She placed her hand over his. "Sophie and I have never felt neglected or unloved, you have to know that."
"I have the tenure, Marti. The title of professor and I do enjoy teaching. I'd have the time to do my research and still have a set, predictable schedule. I wouldn't be tied to the hospital the way I am now, at the beck and call of a pager."
"You love practicing medicine too, Lee. You are a remarkable surgeon, hell that's all you ever talked about when we first met. Do you really want to give that up now, while you are at the top of your game?"
"I love you and Sophie more. I love this baby more." He patted her stomach. "I want to spend my time where it matters. With my family. I spend so much time taking care of others, that sometimes I don't feel like I take care of my own. That's not a pleasant realization."
"If you really want this, honey, then I do too. I just don't want you to regret—"
"Regret what? Being here? Being a husband and a father?"
"It's just such a big change…"
Lee Dubenko never would have imagined that three days later, his life would undergo a change much more drastic than the one he had planned.
He regarded her with a look that was full of conflicting emotions. Guilt, desire, confusion, longing--they all flashed behind his frameless glasses as he chewed on his bottom lip. His fingers still plucked at the carpet despite Allison's efforts to subdue the action.
"You can talk to me, you know," she said softly as she brushed a few stray curls off his forehead, letting her fingers trail through his unruly mane of hair. "I can tell something is bothering you, but I just don't know what."
Dubenko continued to gaze at her; he quirked his eyebrows briefly, licked his lips and then shook his head. "Allie, I…it's nothing. I just don't know what to say."
She looked away, and when she finally spoke, her voice was barely a whisper. "Do you want me to leave?" She pulled her hand away from his.
"What? No. I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay." He swallowed hard. "I want you to stay the night." There, you've said it. The ball is in her court.
Allison smiled at him, her eyes shining. "Lee, do you mean that? You want me to stay here. With you. Tonight?"
"I wouldn't have said it otherwise." Both of his hands were now tugging at the carpet as he glanced around the room. Now what? Now what do I do? What if I can't see this through? I haven't even…not since Marti. He reached for his glass of wine to avoid saying anything else for a moment.
Allison, apparently deciding to take matters into her own hands, moved so that she was straddling his lap, facing him. "Hi."
Dubenko's lips twitched into a smile briefly. "Hi. Allie—" She interrupted him with a kiss, firm and square on the mouth. He brought his hands up to the ties on her blouse and absently played with them while studying her face. He liked the way her nose was upturned just the slightest bit, and he always wanted to trace the faint pattern of freckles that were scattered across her cheeks.
She cupped his face between her hands and leaned forward until their foreheads met. "Lee, you know I love you. I love your weirdly eccentric habits. I love the way you'll toss out obscure information at seemingly random moments. I love that even when I have no idea what you are going on about, I can't help but be enthralled due to your enthusiasm for the subject at hand. I love that you are, in turns, the most brilliant, charming, sweet and self-deprecating man I have ever known. I just love you."
He looked at her, wanting to answer her overwhelming declaration with one of his own but the words wouldn't come. "Allie, I…I, um. I don't know what to say." He panicked as he watched her face fall, her bright smile crumble and felt her hands slip away from his face.
"You could tell me you love me, Lee." The fear of rejection was written all over her countenance. "You could tell me how you feel. You could tell me why it is that you remain so emotionally distant. You could tell me to go to hell, just tell me something."
Dubenko reached up and removed his glasses, rubbed the bridge of his nose and glanced at Allison before fixing his gaze on the blazing fire behind her. When he finally spoke, his voice was even and controlled. "I was married for fifteen years to the most amazing woman, I had always thought that I'd spend the rest of my life with her. She was my world. Marti, Sophie, my career. Life was perfect. Surreal even. And then it was gone. She was gone. I had Sophie but I didn't really know what she needed from me. I did the best I could. I threw myself into my career. I retreated to the only place I found comfort—work. And I stayed there."
Lee looked at Allison, saw the silent tears trailing down her face and he swallowed hard before continuing. "I never thought that I'd find someone like Marti, someone who loved me for who I am, in spite of or maybe even because of my quirks as you called them. And here I am, with you. You're telling me that you do love me like that and I can't help but wonder how the hell I got so lucky, not once but twice in my life."
He reached out and traced the wet lines on her cheeks, let his finger glide over her soft skin and follow the contours of her face. "You want me to tell you how I feel, and I'm trying to, Allie. I've been trying to figure out just how I feel for so long now. I feel torn. I love Marti, as strange as that may sound to you, I still love her and I know part of me always will. I've tried to let her go, to move on with my life but I keep coming back to the fact that I still love her and I miss her every single day."
He pulled Allison closer, held her so that her head rested on his shoulder. He brushed her hair out of her face, gently moving the strands that stuck to the shed tears wetting her skin. Ducking his head, Dubenko lightly kissed her temple. "I'm sorry I'm making you cry. That's not my intent. That's why I haven't said anything. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to be unfair to you. I care about you. I want you here. I just don't know if you still want to be with me after everything I've said. And that scares me. I don't want to lose you." He kissed her again and rested his head on top of hers.
"Lee, I know you still love your wife. I'd be a blind fool if I didn't see that. I've never thought I'd replace her. I don't want to. I couldn't. I just want there to be room in your heart for me too." She sat up and looked at him. "Is there a place for me, Lee?"
"Right here." He hugged her close. "And you already have a place in my heart. You have for some time now." Kissing her once more, Lee Dubenko made up his mind. "Come upstairs with me, Allie--I want to show you just how I feel about you."
"Mmm." Allison stretched her arms over her head and smiled before snuggling against Lee's chest. "So that's how you feel, is it, Dr. Dubenko?" She kissed his shoulder and looked up at him.
Dubenko smiled softly and traced the shape of her lips with the tip of his index finger. "If you didn't understand the initial lecture, I can always try to explain it to you another way. Perhaps a diagram would help?" He began tracing his fingers over her bare skin as he continued. "Pheromones, which are simply airborne chemical signals that are released by an individual into the environment and affect the physiology and behavior of the opposite sex—"
"So are you saying that it's just physical attraction? And stop that! It tickles!" She pushed his hands away from her stomach.
"Are you denying that there's chemistry between us?" His hands moved to her ribcage, poised to tickle her on purpose this time.
"No. I've thought you were attractive ever since I first met you. Stop changing the subject." She pushed his hands away again.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled the younger woman against his body. "I wasn't changing the subject. You interrupted me. Shall we continue or will it suffice to say that along with the very obvious physical attraction, there is also a substantial amount of emotional attachment?"
"Well, I definitely feel that obvious physical attraction," she grinned as he pressed himself against her.
"Allison," his voice was thick with emotion as he stared fervently into her eyes, "I love you." He brought his mouth against her parted lips, preventing her from saying anything else, and kissed her deeply.
Some time later Lee Dubenko was lying in bed, watching the sunrise through his bedroom window. Allison was sound asleep next to him, her body tucked against his side. He was thinking about many things: life, love, loss and whether or not he was really ready to start over again. Then he looked down at the relaxed face of his sleeping lover and realized that he already had.