Hogs, Warts, Deaths, and Eaters Ch. 7

Voldemort: Dark Lord or Desperate Housewife?

Albus Dumbledore sat at his wooden desk, scribbling on some important paperwork and muttering to himself.

"Are you even listening to me?" asked Severus Snape, standing up and leaning over Dumbledore's desk. Dumbledore made no sign that he even heard Snape. "Voldemort has apparently decided to pause in his attempt to destroy Harry Potter! Don't you realize that this is the perfect opportunity for us to strike! His guard is down and right now, he's more interested in knitting potholders than taking over the world. I'm telling you, Dumbledore, we must act now!"

"Hmmmm…" said Dumbledore in deep concentration. Snape smiled: apparently Dumbledore was finally listening. "I think this could be a seven…but a nine would also work. What do you think, Severus?" Snape looked down and realized what the "important papers" were that Dumbledore had been working on.

"Sudoku?! You're playing Sudoku at a time like this?! We need to be making a plan!" Snape shouted.

"Well, you interrupted me. I finally made it to a puzzle with four stars!" He folded his hands together and peered at Snape. "Besides, it seems to me like Voldemort is now more of a desperate housewife than a Dark Lord anyway. So what do we have to worry about?" Snape just stared at Dumbledore and turned to leave.

As he placed his hand on the door to leave, Dumbledore called, "And it just so happens, Severus, that I do have a plan…" Severus looked at him, intrigued. "Next Friday evening is our monthly Order of the Phoenix meeting. And I have finally decided that we are going to…" Snape wondered what it could be: would they plan to kill Voldemort, take out a few Death Eaters, or aid the Ministry of Magic? "…play Twister!!!" Dumbledore shouted and beamed with joy. Snape just groaned and walked away.

Meanwhile, back at Malfoy Manor, Voldemort was glaring evilly. He had just found a patch of dust on the armoire he had already dusted three times. From beneath his robes, in the place where his wand should have been, he withdrew a large feather duster. After eradicating any last traces of dust, he hurried back downstairs with a new spring in his step, his white apron swinging in front of him.

He had so much to do today. What with the daily cooking and cleaning, how was he to make time for doing Bellatrix's hair, color coding Draco's robes, or watching Martha Stewart demonstrate how to make a chandelier from a tiki torch, a few pipe cleaners, and a pineapple? Perhaps Draco's wardrobe could wait until tomorrow….

The other Death Eaters were gathered in the study. They had been discussing what could have possibly lead Voldemort to his current state and how in the world they were going to get back their old Voldemort.

"I think," Wormtail said seriously, "that if we just provoke him enough, he'll go back to normal!"

"I've got an idea," Lucius said as he pretty much just reworded Wormtail's argument. "If we could say or do something to him that would get him really angry, he may return to his normal state." The problem with this plan, however, was that none of them wanted to volunteer to have Voldemort really angry with them. Before anyone else could voice their opinion, there came a strange chanting noise from outside. The Death Eaters pulled back the curtains to see what was causing the commotion….

"So when we looked out the window," Wormtail recounted to Voldemort, several minutes later, "we saw…we saw…Oprah!" Voldemort merely continued to knit on his latest project – a secret potholder for Harry Potter. "And she brought back up! Her really powerful friends! There was Tina Turner, John Travolta, Sidney Potier, Maya Angelou, Halle Berry, and that Gayle woman that nobody's ever heard of." Out of breath, Wormtail paused. He, along with the other Death Eaters, was hoping this news might snap Voldemort back to reality. Voldemort, however, continued to knit as he spoke.

"Oh. Perhaps I should go bake them some cookies." Everyone just looked at each other and silently left the room. A few minutes later, Severus Snape arrived.

"My Lord, I believe that now may be an opportune time to strike. Dumbledore has let his guard down. You should go after the boy."

"You mean Harry?" Voldemort smiled. "Oh no. I've decided I'm not going to try to kill Harry Potter any longer. From now on, my goal is to rid the world of my new worst enemy – cell phone companies…all of them…as soon as I finish all of this housework of course!"

"About that," Snape continued, deciding this would surely provoke Voldemort into action. "I just had a conversation with Dumbledore and he seems to no longer see you as a threat. He says you're not a Dark Lord anymore but more of a…desperate housewife." Snape cringed, waiting for the blow. Voldemort jumped up, enraged.

"WHAT?! How dare he! I'll get him back if it's the last thing I do! He will suffer for this! … Just as soon as my homemade blueberry muffins come out of the oven!"

Next time: Snape reluctantly attends the OotP meeting and is forced to play Twister while Voldemort and Oprah have their final showdown.