Mamoru fumbled for the door knob. His vision was hazy, the aftereffects of trying to will away the pain that was burning a deep, scorching hole into his hollow heart. Gulping down air, he cleared his throat and welcomed the darkness that awaited him when he opened the door to his loft. He flickered on the lights and was disturbed by what it uncovered.
Rei sat solemnly on the couch, waiting for him. She didn't bother to turn her head at his presence, choosing to continue looking straight ahead with a grim expression marring her face. If the light had jolted her, it didn't show.
"Where have you been?"
Unfazed by her the frigidness of her tone, Mamoru made his way to the corner bar and poured himself a drink. He allowed the bitter liquid to soothingly burn its way into his chest. It only served to reinforce the feeling of void.
"I was out."
She was quick to lose her cool façade. Red silk whirled with her as she abruptly got up and purposely made his way to him.
"You were out?" She lashed out, incredulously staring at him. "You left me at the club by myself, Mamoru!"
Annoyed, Mamoru roughly unbuttoned the collar of his dress shirt and made his way into the bedroom. He wasn't surprised when she followed suit.
"Were you with her?"
Mamoru abruptly froze in the midst of taking off his blazer. After a few moments of silence, he continued to undress without answering her.
Rei shook with uncontrollable rage. They had already been through this. Mamoru had chosen her and agreed to put his past life behind him. And that included the naïve brat that had stuck to him like glue. But she knew that instigating him and insulting the other woman would only anger him, and so she did what had always worked before.
Slipping off the straps of her gown, Rei let the liquid silk fall to her feet like a waterfall. She knew that she had garnered Mamoru's attention by the stiffening in his posture. Walking purposely, seductively toward him, she softly pushed him into a sitting position on the bed and straddled him. When he made no move to put his hands on her, she placed both of her hands onto his shoulders and calculatingly arched her body into his. She felt his arousal growing. Internally satisfied with the power she held over him, she placed her hot mouth onto his and was rewarded with his immediate response.
Wasting no time, she hastily found the buckle to his belt and ran a hand over his wondrous length. She quivered with delightful anticipation.
She gave a shriek when she found herself on the floor.
"What are you doing?" Outraged, she grabbed her recently discarded nightgown and covered herself.
Mamoru's only response was burying his head into his hands.
'She will get over you...'
With quivering hands, he reached to zip up his pants.
'She will go on...'
He quickly buttoned up his shirt.
"MAMORU!"
'She will find someone else...'
And he was out the door.
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Mamoru stared. It was pitch dark and a single lamppost illuminated the large estate in front of him.
She was in there, he knew. But was she sleeping, dreaming, crying, thinking? He didn't know.
And it killed him.
There was a time, when he would know every single thing that happened in Usagi's life. Those were the days where he would angrily rebuke her if he found out that she had not let him know about things as little as a paper cut. Those were the days that he would give up everything to have back.
His heart ached with all that he couldn't say, couldn't do, and couldn't change.
He had given her up, thinking that they would both be happier this way. His father's unyielding pressure on him had taken its toll and he had succumbed under pressure. If he had stayed with Usagi then he would have been forever carrying the burden of being a disappointment as a son and Usagi would indirectly suffer as well. She didn't deserve that, and so he had made the decision for both of them.
Along the way, he had grown closer to Rei. As the daughter of prominent socialites, Rei was beautiful, intelligent, and well-bred. His father had insisted that they spend time together, and Mamoru did in fact find some happiness in her company. Even while with Usagi, he had selfishly felt attracted to the woman that his father was so blatantly advertising to him.
He was a fool.
Usagi deserved better than a man who had willingly kissed and held another behind her back. He hated himself for it. Despised himself for what he had allowed to happen. And so he had let Usagi go.
And when he did, he had the opportunity to welcome Rei's advances without guilt. It had been rough and wild. Passionate and seductively animal like. Having sex with Rei was an adrenaline rush and he hadn't been able to get enough. He had buried himself in her and reveled in her cries of pleasure.
And then in the morning, he had stared up into the ceiling awash with regret and sickening dread.
Usagi would never forgive him.
But he had contented himself with the fact that she was forgiving…that she would be unable to cut all ties with him.
What a fool he was.
Word had spread fast.
And Usagi had withdrawn completely from him. Refused to speak or see him. Refused to acknowledge him. The pain in her eyes ate away at his soul.
Closing his eyes from the dark remembrance of all his sins, Mamoru remembered why it had been better to let her go. He deserved the darkness. He deserved to live without the only woman he would ever love. Because he had succumbed to the ruthless need save face with his father, to save face with a woman who had so openly seduced him…he deserved to have his place in his own hell.
But Usagi's refusal to have anything to do with him was unbearable. He needed the assurance of her presence like he needed air. He had prepared himself for her anger and hurt, but still had selfishly held onto the idea that one simple site of her each day would make his life minimally livable.
'She will find someone else...'
Clenching his fists, Mamoru ignored the thin trails of blood that he drew. Minako had been right. He knew that Usagi would eventually move on, but a part of him had hoped that she wouldn't. He wasn't blind. He knew that men fell over for her; when they had been together, it became second nature to him to cast icy glares that warned other men to not let their gaze linger overly long at her form.
Unwanted images of Usagi in the arms of a faceless man intruded into his thoughts. Kissing, holding, and making love.
His blood boiled.
He and Usagi had never taken that ultimate step. They had came close, but he had stopped them from progressing. She was so innocent…so untainted…he hadn't wanted to ruin that. With Rei, he took and conquered. The pleasure was there, the satisfaction was there, but there was no tenderness, no warmth, no love.
Knowing Usagi was a virgin rested his soul a bit, but not for long. One day, she would allow another man to have her.
He couldn't accept that.
Looking at the darkened window that emitted moonlight into Usagi's room, Mamoru vowed under all the stars under the darkened sky.
He wouldn't accept it.
He'd kill if he had to.
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