I am ULTRAFIC! Here to bring you comedy, angst, yaoi, yuri, action, drama, fantasy, tragedy, dark, romance, and other good varieties of fanfic and/or songfic. However, the following anime-mangas do not belong to me-Fullmetal Alchemist. The previously stated anime-mangas belong to-Hiromu Arakawa. Please enjoy the-fanfiction and or songfiction and thanks for using favorite disclaimer since 2008. Brought to you by Lightning Briefs! NOTE-I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, 2008, or Lightning Briefs. I do however own ULTRAFIC, and if I see it on your fanfiction without permission from me, you are toast. I also do not own the ...for Idiots series, Fruits Basket, any characters beside Motoko. Raven is my sister. Ichigo is my friend. I do not own the Hanshin Tigers, either.
Part 1-The Blunderful Beginning
MOTOKO-Hey kids! It's I, your humble author, here to tell you to go back and read that disclaimer. Already did? READ IT AGAIN! This is my first fic, so please don't throw bricks through my window or steal my fresh fruit just yet. If you really don't like it, please rate it, review, and tell me why. That's the 3 first steps to making a better fic-RRW, rate, review, why. Why don't you start by telling me what you thought of this message and disclaimer, eh?
RAVEN-Eh? Who says 'eh' anymore?
ICHIGO-It was...weird.
MOTOKO-...
ROY-It was good, but how come you didn't mention me?
MOTOKO- I did. (points to words Fullmetal Alchemist) See?
EDWARD- I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist!
MOTOKO- I thought he was the Fullmetal Alchemist (points at Al)
ROY- But you just said you thought I was the Fullmetal Alchemist.
MOTOKO- Fullmetal Alchemist? I thought that was just a figure of speech.
EDWARD- I'M THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!
MOTOKO- They let someone as short as you into the military?
(Edward picks up Al's head and throws it at Motoko)
ALPHONSE-My head...
MOTOKO- Hey! How dare you throw the Fullmetal Alchemist's head! (to Al) I am so sorry sir! (picks up head) Wait...you don't have a head! So you must be...
EDWARD- I think she's beginning to understand now.
MOTOKO- You must be the Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang!
ROY- No, I'm the Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang.
ROY FANGIRLS- He's so charming!
MOTOKO- So..who's the Fullmetal Alchemist...(points at Raven) Is it you?
RAVEN- I'm your Oneechan, baka.
EDWARD- IM THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!
MOTOKO- Pipe down, pipsqueak. I'm tryin' to solve a mystery, here!
EDWARD- WHO YOU CALLIN' SO SMALL YOU NEED A MICROSCOPE TO SEE! I'LL RIP OFF YOUR LEGS AND STICK 'EM ON YOUR HEAD!
ALPHONSE-Brother, she didn't say anything like that.
MOTOKO- I didn't?
EVERYONE- ...
MOTOKO- Oh...I didn't! Let's see... (picks up Fullmetal Alchemist for Idiots) According to this...the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric...
EDWARD- ...yes...
MOTOKO- Is dead!
(eerie silence)
RAVEN- (crickets crickets)
EDWARD- Uhh...
MOTOKO- Ohh...this is a Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction!
EVERYONE- YES!
MOTOKO- So who's the Fullmetal Alchemist?
ALPHONSE- (points at Ed) He is.
MOTOKO- Really? Cool. Why didn't anyone tell me the first time I asked?
EDWARD- I DID!
MOTOKO- Yes, but you see, according to the Fullmetal Alchemist for Idiots book I am an Alphonse Elric fangirl, so I actually listen to him!Yaaaay!
(Motoko hugs Al)
MOTOKO- Ow! Steel hurts!
RAVEN- Let me see that book. Hmm...it says here that I am an Ed fangirl. It goes on to say that there are an estimated 1million Ed fangirls throughout the known world
((that would be an educated guess by your author...if I was educated. So it's just a normal guess))
(Raven jumps at Ed)
RAVEN- Wheeeeeeeeeee!
(Raven chases Ed around the studio)
MOTOKO- No! Stop! I rented out this place to write my fics! I just paid my last payment and have my insurance application in my hand right now! Because I haven't mailed it yet! So I'm not insured!
ICHIGO- (picks up book and hits Raven on head) I don't need a book to tell me that I'm a fangirl! I LOVE YOU KYO!
(mysterious angry-looking orange cat walks by)
ICHIGO- KYO!
(Ichigo chases orange cat around studio)
MOTOKO- INSURANCE! AS IN, NONE!
(orange cat disappears)
ICHIGO- I think he changed back...
EDWARD- Changed back! Into what?
ICHIGO-A person!
EDWARD- Is anyone here not a fangirl?
(Ed, Al, and Roy raise hands)
RAVEN- Well, that's a big relief.
MOTOKO- Yeah.
ICHIGO- Sure is.
(Roy puts hand down)
(everyone turns to stare at Roy)
ROY- What? ...WHAT!
MOTOKO- I am suddenly filled with eerie questions...
(eerie music sounds)
MOTOKO- I DIDN'T SAY EERIE MUSIC CUE!
(eerie music stops)
MOTOKO- Well, since 2/3 of the fangirls here destroyed my rental, I say we destroy the paperwork that proves I was ever here to avoid all collateral damage costs!
ICHIGO- Aye!
(next shot is Motoko, Raven, Ichigo, Al, Ed, and Roy walking into the sunset. Dramatic, eh? Suddenly, Motoko falls over knocking everybody except Roy Mustang into a nearby stream. No, Roy continues walking like he's in some sort of fancy shampoo comercial)
MOTOKO- Awaaaaah!
BYSTANDER #1- What happened?
BYSTANDER #2- Did the Hanshin Tigers win or something?
EDWARD- ROY MUSTANG...! I KNOW THIS WAS YOUR FAULT!
MOTOKO- No, it was my fault.
End of chapter 1-The Blunderful Beginning
Conspiracy alert-I have been charged with attempts to own Alphonse Elric, conspiracy to attempt to own Alphonse Elric, and jay-walking. But I have never tried (or made a conspiracy to try) to own Fullmetal Alchemist, because if I do, the rightful owner Hiromu Arakawa will beat me up after band practice. I also do not own eBay.
Part 2- Terrible Toaster
(Edward is trying to master the art of toast making. Because Fullmetal Alchemist takes place around 1910-1920, toasters have not yet been invented where he comes from.)
EDWARD- Damn this thing! How do I get the toast out! It's really hot!
(Edward shoves fork into toaster slot to try and pull toast out)
MOTOKO- Edward! You should never shove a fork into a toaster! Forks go into electrical sockets, you use a butter knife for toasters!
EDWARD- Why's that?
MOTOKO- Because the electricity particles from the wires in the toaster are conducted by the metal of the fork, the fork acting as a sort of bridge between the electrons and your hand, will travel up through the metal fork and electrically shock you.
EDWARD- Okay...but why would a butter knife be any different?
MOTOKO- Duh. Because butter knives are made out of butter, not metal. Everyone knows that.
EDWARD- So then how do I get it out?
MOTOKO- Sometimes I just quickly reach my hand in and pull the toast out.
EDWARD- Okay...I could try that...
(Edward puts his metal arm in toaster)
MOTOKO- NO! YOU FOOL!
BOOM.
EDWARD- OOOOW!
MOTOKO- See. I told ya. I says "Don't put metal in the toaster" and you go and put your METAL arm in the toaster. While it was still on. Why was it still on?
ALPHONSE- Brother? Are you okay? I heard a crash in here.
(Edward now has animated hi-lighter yellow style lightning bolts zapping off his automail arm)
EDWARD- Yeah...I'm fine. It kinda burns, though. Maybe if I put water on it...
MOTOKO- I would highly advise against that.
ALPHONSE- What were you two doing in here, anyway?
MOTOKO- We were trying to make toast...but we can't get the bread out of the toaster. Can you help? But don't put your hand in the toaster, because metal makes toasters mad.
(Al pulls up the little lever on the side of the toaster that makes the toast come up higher and pulls the toast out.)
ALPHONSE- Here.
(Al hands toast to Ed)
EDWARD- How'd you do that?
ALPHONSE- It's not that hard.
EDWARD- (To Motoko) Why didn't you tell me you could do that?
MOTOKO- You never asked.
(Edward attacks Motoko)
EDWARD- HYYYYYYYYYYA!
MOTOKO- YAAAAAA!
(Motoko jumps on oven)
(Raven, Ichigo, and Roy enter kitchen)
RAVEN- What happened here?
MOTOKO- The toaster attacked Ed and then Ed attacked me.
ICHIGO- So...you were just making toast?
RAVEN- SACRED TOAST! IF EDWARD MADE THIS TOAST, THAN IT IS THE MOST SACRED OF GRAIN PRODUCTS! NOBODY TOUCH THIS TOAST!
EDWARD- But...it's my toast...
RAVEN- (HIIIIIIIIISSSS) NOBODY TEARS ME AND MY EDWARD APART! NOT EVEN EDWARD!
(Ed jumps on oven with Motoko.)
(Motoko jumps off oven)
ICHIGO- Wait! How many fangirls did you say Ed has?
RAVEN- (Checks previous chapter) About...oh,... exactly 1million.
ICHIGO- We could sell this piece of toast on for a million dollars!
RAVEN- NEVER!
MOTOKO- I know! We could genetically altar the toast's DNA and make an army of raidoactive toast!
RAVEN- That's the stupidest idea yet!
ICHIGO- Kinda is...
(Ichigo, Motoko, and Raven begin to argue over wether to put the toast up for sale on eBay, make a shrine with it, or make an army of radioactive toast monsters)
ALPHONSE- Uh...
RAVEN AND ICHIGO AND MOTOKO- (HIIIIIIIISSSSS!) YOU THREE STAY OUT OF THIS!
MOTOKO- (puts on helmet) Yaaaay! (hugs Al)
EDWARD- IT'S MY TOAST!
RAVEN-I LOVE THIS TOAST!
ICHIGO-eBAY!
MOTOKO- GENETIC MONSTERS!
EVERYONE ELSE- NO!
(arguing comtinues)
(Roy Mustang, who has not said anything this whoooooooooole time, picks up toast and eats it.)
ROY- Good toast.
EDWARD- MY TOAST!
RAVEN- MY LOVE!
ICHIGO- MY MONEY!
MOTOKO- MY MUTANTS!
ALPHONSE- My sanity...