I don't own "Slayers" ( I doubt anyone would believe me if I said I did anyway) and I'm not doing this to gain profit.
"Lina Red Riding Hood"
Once upon a time that never happened, or existed for that matter as it is entirely made up, there was a girl named Lina Inverse who had also gained the nickname "Lina Red Riding Hood."
It should be clearly noted though, if a person's health and well being was important to them, then they should not even dare to call Lina by her "other name" because there was a fairly good chance of receiving a year's worth of pain.
She would punch anyone dumb enough to call her "Lina Red Riding Hood." Lina loathed her nickname. It wasn't her fault she only had a silly red hood to protect her from the snow and rain. It was bad enough to look like a child while wearing it, but she refused to get a nickname from it! Lina vowed that if anyone called her that "name" she had the full right to give out punishment.
One day, her mother asked Lina ( and "asked" as in she must do it or else kind of "asked") to bring a basket of groceries to her older sister Luna. Her sister had been too busy to buy them herself. Luna had spent the last week breaking curses on princes who had been stupid enough to insult a witch and ended up turned into a frog as a result.
Lina's first instinct was to grab the basket and make a run for it. Luna was scary and she would rather face a hydra then her. Plus, by running she would get free food. Lina dismissed her plan though, as there was only one thing more scary then Luna, her mother when she was angry.
So to keep her mother happy, Lina agreed. As luck would have it, the weather was cold, so to add to her misery, she had to wear her hood.
Thus Lina in hood and all went on her way and walked through the woods to get to Luna's cottage. The most agonizing part of the whole ordeal was ignoring the delicious smells coming from the basket. They were taunting her!
As it happened, at the exact moment someone else caught the alluring scent of the basket. This individual was a person with a highly developed sense of smell.
His name was Gourry and he was a wolf. Now before you readers jump to the wrong conclusion, Gourry wasn't your stereotypical fairytale wolf who goes around eating little girls, grandmothers in nightgowns, or pigs with no common sense about building a proper house.
Gourry was laid back and good natured. He didn't look like a typical "big bad wolf" either, or a normal wolf for that matter. He looked more like an ordinary man wearing clothes and all, with the exception of being born with a pair of wolf ears and a tail.
Anyway, once Gourry caught the scent, he followed it to Lina who was taking a break and sitting on a log rubbing her sore feet and muttering words that would make a sailor blush.
"Dammit! Would it kill Luna to just get an apartment!"
Gourry crept closer.
"This whole "living out alone in the woods" scenario is so last century! She could at least give me a horse! Granted, I would probably just sell it anyway, but it's the principle of the matter!"
Gourry was right behind her.
"Only a nutcase could possibly..."
"HI!"
Lina jumped and almost squished her basket in the process. When she realized it was just a wolfman, Lina growled and bonked him on the head with her fist.
"Don't sneak up on people like that!"
Gourry rubbed his hurting head. "Ow...Why? I was just saying hi? Is it against the law now or something?"
"I so do not need this." Lina grumbled.
Gourry shrugged and sniffed the basket.
"Hey! Get your nose out of there!" Lina snatched the basket and was tempted to whack him again.
"What's the big deal?" asked Gourry. "You have enough food there to feed an army."
"It's not my food! I'm playing delivery girl and taking it to my sister's."
Gourry blinked and stared at her outfit. "Since when do delivery girl's wear red hoods?"
Lina rolled her eyes. It was always about the red hood!
"Come on!" Gourry wagged his tail hopefully. "Can't you just share a little."
"Hey! If I had a choice in the matter you and I could have a picnic for all I care, but I have to give it to my sister."
The wolf man sighed. "Okay! I get it."
Lina began to walk again. "Well see ya around...un..."
"Gourry. You?"
"Lina."
A light bulb went off in Gourry's head. "Oh! You're that girl...what do they call you?...Oh yeah! Lina Red Riding Hood."
Gourry was the first wolf in history to fly...for 56 seconds after Lina tossed him.
He went high about the tree tops and scared many birds who then decided to go to Florida early this year.
Eventually, Gourry crashed to the ground. He spit out the dirt he'd swallowed and found himself in front of a house. Since this is a fairytale, so logic does not have to apply here, it also happened to be Luna's place.
There was a note attached to the door.
To whom it may concern:
1. If you are a salesman LEAVE NOW BEFORE I SEND MY DOG AFTER YOU!
2. If you are a prince who got turned into a frog, come again next week, and I'll see if I can book you in.
3. If you are trying to go to the Prince's Royal Ball and need a ball gown and/or glass slippers, you would want the "Fairy Godmother's Are Us" store 2 miles back. I DON"T DO FASHION WEAR!
4. If you are my sister Lina bringing my groceries, I decided to take a vacation and will be back next week.
Signed,
Luna Inverse
Gourry growled annoyed. This was crazy! Lina's bringing all this food for a sister that isn't even there! What a waste of good food!
Then an idea popped into his head. Maybe there was a way for him to get the food after all.
Later, Lina dragged her feet up to Luna's front step. "She better appreciate this."
Knock! Knock!
"Come in!"
Lina wrinkled her nose. Luna's voice sounded husky. Did she catch a cold?
Lina entered.
She dropped her basket. Her body could barely move.
There was a bed in the middle of the room. Laying in the bed was Gourry. In a nightgown with a cap.
Gourry smiled and greeted in a high pitched voice. "Hi Lina..."
"GOURRY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!"
The wolf squirmed. "Er...what are you talking about..I'm your sister Luna."
A vein was throbbing in Lina's forehead. "GOURRY!"
The wolf sweated. Not even food was worth pain!
"Okay! I give! It's me Gourry!"
"I can see that!" Lina snarled. "What I don't understand is why you are wearing my sister's clothes!"
Gourry sheepishly tucked his hand behind his head. "I thought you would give the basket to me if I pretended to be your sister. So, I pretended to be sick so you couldn't tell the difference."
Lina took deep breaths. "Gourry...do you honestly think I can't tell the difference between a wolf in drag and my own sister!"
"Um...no...but I was mad with hunger. I had to give it a try."
Lina could feel her anger cooling off. "So where's Luna You didn't eat her did you?"
Gourry stuck his tongue out in disgust. "EW! What can of wolf do you take me for? Of course not! She went on a vacation."
Lina stomped her foot. "Great! Now what am I supposed to do!"
Gourry wagged his tail happily. "I have a suggestion!"
Right at that moment, the mighty hunter Volun, (or that's what he called himself) was walking through the forest. "Ha! Ha! I the mighty warrior Volun am afraid of nothing! No beast can defeat me!" he sang while making some poor innocent squirrels deaf.
Suddenly, a scream was heard. "Hark! I hear a fair maiden in distress! This is a job for the mighty hunter Volun!"
He ran towards the source and found Luna's house. How, nobody knows, since Volun has a lousy sense of direction, but it's a fairytale so it doesn't have to make sense.
Using his supreme hunter instincts and knowledge, which would fit inside an acorn, Volun deduced the maiden to be inside. He charged and kicked the door down.
"Never fear young maiden! I, the hunter Volun, have..."
"GOURRY HOW COULD YOU HAVE EATEN THE ENTIRE CAKE!"
Gourry gasped for air, but most folks would have trouble breathing if a girl was strangling them. "You looked away.. that says you're done!"
"Who says that!"
"Uh...excuse me.." Volun felt very confused. Instead of a girl being tied screaming for her life, the girl was sitting on the floor with a wolfman and having a picnic.
The odd couple turned to his direction. "What do you want pal? We're busy at the moment if you haven't noticed?"
Volun racked his brain. This wasn't how things were supposed to go!
Then it hit him.
"I get it! That wolf has tricked you into a false sense of security by inviting you to a picnic! However, his real agenda is to gobble you up the moment you turn your back on him!"
Lina and Gourry exchanged baffled expressions. Who was this clown and what circus do you call to have him picked up?
Volun laughed. "Lucky for you though, Im the mighty hunter Volunm is here to rescue you from this evil beast!"
He reached for his axe. "I shall slay this beast and..."
WHACK!
It can be officially said that having a large sink thrown at you can break A LOT of bones in your body. The hunter Volun can vouch for this.
Lina slammed the door and brushed her hands free of the dirt left over from throwing the sink. "Damn! Why do weirdoes and salesmen always come when you're eating!"
Lina sat down and bit into an apple.
Gourry sat there and just stared at her.
"What?"
"Lina, where did you get that sink? It came out of nowhere."
She took another bite. "Plot convenience."
So, Lina and Gourry finished their meal. Soon after, it became a regular routine for Lina to bring a basket of food with her and have a picnic with Gourry.
As for Volun, he woke up and seeing the beast was gone realized that he must've defeated it and the battle was so tremendous it was blocked from his memory.
As for Luna, she came back from her vacation with a nice tan, but she wondered why there was wolf hair all over her nightgown.
THE END
Author's Note: I"m not sure what made me think of this. The main reason I made Gourry into the wolf was that I've never really liked how wolves were always the bad guys in fairytales and so I decided to make fun of the stereotypes of fairytales to have a little justice.